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Author(s): Justin Roiland

Transcriber/Editor(s): A. Hall

Date Aired: 2013-12-02

Reference Name(s):

Reference Date(s):

Open to Morty’s room

Rick stumbles in drunkenly, and turns on the lights. Morty! You gotta come on. Jus'... you gotta come with me.

Morty rubs his eyes. What, Rick? What’s going on?

Rick I got a surprise for you, Morty.

Morty It's the middle of the night. What are you talking about?

Rick spills alcohol on Morty's bed Come on, I got a surprise for you. drags Morty by the ankle Come on, hurry up. pulls Morty out of his bed and into the hall.

Morty Ow! Ow! You're tugging me too hard!

Rick We gotta go, gotta get outta here, come on. Got a surprise for you Morty.

Cut to Rick's ship

Rick Rick drives through the night sky. What do you think of this... flying vehicle, Morty? I built it outta stuff I found in the garage.

Morty Yeah, Rick... I-it's great. Is this the surprise?

Rick Morty. I had to... I had to do it. I had— I had to— I had to make a bomb, Morty. I had to create a bomb.

Morty What?! A bomb?!

Rick We're gonna drop it down there just get a whole fresh start, Morty. Create a whole fresh start.

Morty T-t-that's absolutely crazy!

Rick Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good. Right now, we're gonna go pick up your little friend Jessica.

Morty Jessica? From my math class?

Rick puts an arm around Morty’s shoulders. When I drop the bomb you know, I want you to have somebody, you know? I want you to have the thing. I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam.

Morty Ohh...

Rick And Jessica's gonna be Eve.

Morty Whhhh-wha?

Rick And so that's the surprise, Morty.

Morty No, you can't! shoves Rick away. Jessica doesn't even know I exist! But—but, but forget about that, because you can't blow up humanity!

Rick I-I get what you're trying to say, Morty. Listen, I'm not... spills alcohol down his shirt. You don't got... Y-you don’t gotta worry about me trying to fool around with Jessica or mess around with Jessica or anything. I'm not that kind of guy, Morty.

Morty What are you talking about, Rick?

Rick You-you don't have to worry about me getting with Jessica or anything. Sh-sh-she— she, she, she's all for you, Morty.

Morty I don't care about Jessica! Y-Yyyyyyyyyyou—

Rick You know what, Morty? You're right. throws empty bottle into the backseat) Let's forget the girl altogether. She, she's probably nothing but trouble, anyways. (presses a button.

Robot Voice Arming neutrino bomb.

Morty unbuckles his seatbelt) That's it... that's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel. (jumps up on Rick and starts fighting with him over control of the wheel.

Rick Get off of me, Morty! they begin to talk over each other.

Morty I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy! starts kicking Rick's face while grabbing the wheel.

I'm put—I’m, I'm, I'm, I'm puttin’... I-I’m, I’m, I’m not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... dumb person and just le-let you ruin the whole world!

Rick at the same time) Come on! What’s gotten into you? If you love Earth so much why don’t you marry it? (pushes Morty) What are you, crazy? Alright, alright, Morty. (pushes Morty off of him.

Rick Alright. I'll-I'll land. I'll land. I'll land. I'll land the thing. I’ll land the thing. Big tough guy all of a sudden.

Cut to desert

Rick Rick lands the cruiser in an open desert; he opens the door and tumbles out among dozens of empty alcohol cans and bottles.

We'll park it right here, Morty. Right here on the side of the ree... road here.

Morty Oh, thank god.

Rick You know what? That was all a test, Morty. Just an elaborate test to make you more assertive.

Morty It was?

Rick Sure. Why not? I don’t, I don't know. Y-you know what, Mo— falls asleep and begins snoring.

Robot Voice Neutrino bomb armed.

Morty Um...

Cut to opening theme Open to Smith residence, dining room

Jerry I see there's a new episode of that singing show tonight. Who do you guys think is gonna be the best singer?

Morty falls asleep at the table, smashing his face into his plate.

Summer Oh my God, his head is in his food. I'm going to puke.

Beth Morty, are you getting sick? Morty lifts his head, clearly exhausted, and wipes food from his face

I told you not to practice-kiss the living room pillow. The dog sleeps on it.

Morty I wasn't kissing a pillow, mom. I just I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Maybe my dreams were just too loud or something.

Summer Or maybe you were out all night again with Grandpa Rick.

Jerry What?

Beth Dad?

Rick What, so everyone's supposed to sleep every single night now? You realize that nighttime makes up half of all time?

Jerry Damn it!

Beth Jerry!

Jerry Beth!

Summer Oh my god, my parents are so loud, I want to die.

Rick Mm, there is no God, Summer. You gotta rip that band-aid off now. You'll thank me later.

Jerry glaring at Rick. Okay, with all due respect, Rick— what am I talking about? What respect is due? How is my son supposed to pass his classes if you keep dragging him off for high-concept Sci-Fi rigamarole?

Rick Listen, Jerry. I-I-I don't want to overstep my bounds or anything. It's your house. It's your world. You're a real Julius Caesar but I'll tell you something—tell you how I feel about school, Jerry. It's a waste of time. Jerry stares incredulously at him) Buncha people running around, bumping into each other. G-guy up front says, "two plus two." The people in the back say, "four." Then the—then the bell rings, and they give you a carton of milk and a piece of paper that says you can go take a dump or something. I mean, it's not a place for smart people, Jerry. And I know that's not a popular opinion, but it's my two cents on the issue. (wipes his mouth and gets up, stopping behind Beth and putting a hand on her shoulder) This was a good breakfast, Beth. You really made the crap out of those eggs. I wish your mother was here to eat them. (Rick gives Beth a kiss and walks away.

Beth tears up in happiness. Oh, dad…

Jerry What? For real? Morty's face slams into his plate again.

Cut to Ext. Harry Herpson High School

Mr. Goldenfold Alright, now, everybody get settled. Get away from the windows!

Cut to Int. Mr. Goldenfold’s class

Mr. Goldenfold Now, look, we're gonna be dealing with some real serious stuff today. You might have heard of it. It's called math? And without it, none of us would even exist, so let's jump right in. Two plus two.

All classmates except Morty Four.Morty, sitting in the back row, stares at Jessica, who sits in the front row, answering Jessica’s name for the questions.

Morty Jessica.

Mr. Goldenfold Five plus five.

All classmates except Morty Ten.

Morty Jessica. Jessica hears Morty and looks back, confused, not sure who’s saying her name.

Mr. Goldenfold Okay, good. It's time for the quiz.

Class Awwwwww.

Mr. Goldenfold Yeah, you know what?! Aw, too bad! Tough! First row, take one. Pass it back for me. The stakes are high in this room. Morty stares at the quiz; the numbers on the quiz jumble together as Morty falls asleep

There's crucial things happening here every day. People getting smarter. Some of y'all getting dumber. Some of y'all ain't gonna see 3:00. Morty falls into a dream world filled with large number-shaped blocks; Jessica steps out from behind some of the numbers.

Jessica Hi, Morty.

Morty Whoa! Hi, Jessica.

Jessica Can I show these to you? Jessica opens her shirt, showing Morty her breasts.

Morty Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you!

Jessica You know what I named these? My little Morties.

Morty rubs the back of his neck. Uh, that's flattering... and a little weird.

Jessica Do you know what I want you to do with them?

Morty Rename them?

Jessica Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. No wrong answers.

Morty Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Morty grabs her breasts and starts fondling her.

Jessica Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me?

Morty Uh, I-I'm just doing my best. in real life, class has ended and Morty is fondling Mr. Goldenfold.

Mr. Goldenfold Morty! What are you doing to me?!

Morty sleep-talking. Ah, Jessica.

Mr. Goldenfold Morty!

Morty Jessica.

Mr. Goldenfold Five more minutes of this, and I'm gonna get mad. leans back and bites his lip.

Morty Je-Jessica. Jessica.

Mr. Goldenfold Not my fault this is happening.

Cut to hallway

Frank Morty is at his locker, where he is confronted by a bully, Frank Palicky.

Well, well, well.

Morty Uh, morning, Frank.

Frank pins Morty to his locker "Morning"? What was what is that supposed to mean? You making fun of me? Are you trying to say my family's poor? takes out a pocket knife and points it at Morty's neck.

Morty Oh, geez, Frank. I don't know if a knife is necessary. I mean, you know, y-you kind of had things handled without it.

Frank You telling me how to bully now? Big mistake, Morty and now I'm gonna cut you, 'cause my family's rich. Frank suddenly freezes and Rick steps out from behind him.

Rick There you are, Morty. Listen to me. I got an errand to run in a whole different dimension. I need an extra pair of hands.

Morty Oh, geez, Rick. W-w-what'd you do to Frank?

Rick It's pretty obvious, Morty. I froze him. Now listen I need your help, Morty. I mean, we got we got to get get the hell out of here and go take care of business. burps. It's important. Come on, Morty.

Morty I don't know, Rick. I can't leave school again.

Rick Do you have any concept of how much higher the stakes get out there, Morty? What do you think I can just do it all by myself? Come on!

Morty Aw, geez. Okay. I guess I can skip history. What about Frank? I mean, shouldn't you unfreeze him?

Rick I'll do it later, Morty. He'll be fine. Let's go. takes off with Morty and then Summer comes by, seeing Frank's frozen body.

Summer in her headOh, my God. I'm about to walk past Frank Palicky. This is the story we'll be telling our children. walks up to Frank and talks to him, oblivious to the fact that he's frozen.

Summer Hi, Frank. Frank's frozen foot breaks and he drops to the ground and shatters into a million pieces, dying.


Cut to horse hospital

Beth performing heart surgery on a horse. Scalpel.

Davin Scalpel. Jerry enters the room.

Jerry Knock, knock.

Beth Jerry?

Jerry My manager gave me an hour for lunch, and I thought, "hey, why not swing by where your wife works?" The heart rate for the horse starts beeping really fast.

Tom offscreen) We're losing him. (Beth adjusts the horse's organs.

Tom offscreen. Okay, he's back.

Beth Jerry, please tell me you're here for an incredibly urgent reason.

Jerry Well, it's lunch. I mean, it's one of three meals that have existed for millennia. the heart rate starts beeping again.

Tom offscreen) Losing him. (Beth adjusts the organs again.

Tom offscreen. Stabilized.

Beth Okay, I only ask, Jerry, because, as you know, my job involves performing heart surgery.

Jerry Well, yeah, on horses.

Beth Excuse me?

Jerry Okay, Let's not rehash that fight. I sense that you're busy and will now be on my way. drops a pamphlet on the ground.

Jerry Whoa! What is this on the floor? Some kind of literature for a really nice-looking nursing home. Hey, honey, crazy idea bad pitch let's put your dad here. Let's put your dad in a nursing home. Beth looks at Jerry angrily and the heart hate starts beeping again.

Tom offscreen. We're losing him.

Beth Hey, Tom! We know when we're losing him. WE CAN HEAR THE BEEPS!

Cut to alleyway

Rick There she is. All right. Come on, Morty. Let's go.

Morty Oh, geez, okay. Rick and Morty go through the portal and end up in a crazy alternate dimension.

Morty Oh, man, Rick. What is this place?

Rick It's Dimension 35-C, and it's got the perfect climate conditions for a special type of tree, Morty, called a Mega Tree, and there's fruit in those trees, and there's seeds in those fruits. I'm talking about Mega Seeds. They're they're incredibly powerful, and I need them to help me with my research, Morty.

Morty Oh, man, Rick. I'm looking around this place, and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing.

Rick All right, all right, calm down. Listen to me, Morty. I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations. I deal with them all the time. Now, if you just stick with me, Morty, we're gonna be— a gigantic alien monster suddenly appears behind them.

Rick HOLY CRAP, MORTY RUN!!! they take off, running in complete and total fear as the monster chases them.

Rick I never seen that thing before in my life. I don't even know what the hell it is! We got to get out of here, Morty! It's gonna kill us! We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Morty!

Cut to black

Rick having apparently escaped, they are walking through Dimension 35-C, continuing their adventure.

Oh, Morty, take a deep breath. Breathe that breathe that fresh air in, Morty. Y-you smell that? That's the smell of adventure, Morty. That's that's the smell of-of-of-of a whole different evolutionary timeline.

Morty All right, Rick, look how much longer is this gonna be? Shouldn't I be back at school by now?

Rick Are you joking me? I mean, look at all the crazy crap surrounding us. Look at that thing right there. a weird looking monster is seen cooing and rolling around on the ground) What the hell is that thing? You think you're gonna see that kind of thing at school? (offscreen) Look at it just lumbering around. (onscreen.

It defies all logic, that thing.

Morty Yeah, Rick, I get it. We're surrounded by monsters. That's kind of the reason why I want to leave. they come up to a cliff and Rick stops him there.

Rick Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. Morty, you see this? he and Morty are looking down upon a vast forest of interdimensional trees.

Rick You see what we just stumbled upon, Morty? Any idea what that is down there?

Morty The mega trees?

Rick That's right, Morty the mega trees with the mega fruit on them and that's what I'm talking about, Morty. That's where my seeds are. If we would have done what you wanted, I would have never have found them, because you're so in love with school.

Morty All right, all right. So, what's so special about these seeds, anyways?

Rick You ask a lot of questions, Morty. Not very charismatic. It makes you kind of an burps) under- (burps) underfoot figure. (Rick gives Morty a pair of shoes and Morty proceeds to put them on.

Rick Just take these shoes, Morty. They're burps. special grappling shoes. When you're wearing these things, these babies, you can basically just walk on any surface you want, Morty up, down, below, turn around to the left. These things really bring it all together.

Morty walks off the cliff and plummets to the ground, screaming and smashing into rocks.


Rick You have to turn them on, Morty! The shoes have to be turned on!

Cut to hospital

Beth I am not putting my father in a home! He just came back into my life, and you want to grab him and stuff him under a mattress like last month's Victoria's Secret?

Jerry I told you I was ordering you something for Valentine's Day. More importantly, your father is a horrible influence on our son.

Davin Everything cool in here, Beth?

Beth It's fine, Davin.

Davin Okay, cool. You know, we did something great today. There's nothing more noble and free than the heart of a horse. Jerry closes the door on Davin.

Jerry Since we're fighting, if you ever have an affair with that guy, I will come to the hotel room and blow my brains out all over your naked bodies.

Beth Look, I appreciate the stress you're under, but Morty was having trouble in school way before my dad moved in, and the only influence I can see Rick having is that, for the first time in his life, Morty has a friend. the phone starts ringing.

Jerry sighs. Well, maybe you're right.

Beth Uh, yeah, maybe I am. I'm my father's daughter. I'm smart. Why do you think I'm a heart surgeon?

Jerry coughs) Ahem, Horse heart surgeon. (Beth answers the phone and gets a call from Morty's principal, Gene Vagina.

Principal Vagina Hello? Mrs. Smith? This is Principal Vagina, no relation. I wonder if you and Morty's father might be able to have a chat with me this afternoon?

Cut to Dimension 35-C

Rick standing by Morty, who is lying on the ground with his legs broken) Morty, oh, you really d-did a number on (offscreen) your legs right now. You know, you got to turn (onscreen.

the shoes on, Morty, for them to work. Yeah, look I turned mine on. I had no problem getting down here. It was a leisurely breeze.

Morty I'm in a lot of pain, Rick!

Rick Yeah, I can see that. But do you think you'll still be able to help me collect my seeds, Morty?

Morty Are you kidding me?! That's it, Rick! That's the last straw! I can't believe this! I'm sitting here with both of my legs broken, and you're still asking me about getting those seeds?! Ooh! Ow! Oh! Y-y-you're a monster. Y-you're like Hitler, but-but even Hitler cared about Germany or something.

Rick Okay, hold on just a second, Morty. opens another portal and leaves Morty behind, lying on the ground to suffer for a few seconds.

Morty Ooh! Ohh! Ooh! Hnngh! Hoo! Ooh! Ohh! Aaaaagh! Oooooh! Rick finally returns and injects Morty's legs with medicine, healing them to perfection.

Morty Ooh, Ohh, Ooh. Wow, Rick. That stuff just healed my broken legs instantly. I mean, I've never felt so good in my life. Thank you.

Rick Don't worry about it, Morty. Just come help me get these seeds, all right, buddy?

Morty Sure thing, Rick. goes up the tree and gets the Mega Fruit while Rick talks to him.

Rick Not that you asked, Morty, but what just happened there is I went into a future dimension with such advanced medicine that they had broken-leg serum at every corner drugstore. offscreen. The stuff was all over the place, Morty.

Morty Wow, that's pretty crazy, Rick.

Rick There's just one problem, Morty one little hang-up. The dimension I visited was so advanced, that burps) they had also halted the aging process, and everyone there was young, Morty, and they had been forever. I was the only old person there, Morty. (burps.

It was like I was some sort of, you know, celebrity, walking around. I-I was fascinating to them. There were a lot of attractive women there, Morty, and they-they-they— they all wanted time with me. I had a lot of fun with a lot of young ladies, but I spent so much time there, my interdimensional portal device it's got no charge left, Morty. It's got no charge left.

Morty What?!

Rick It's as good as garbage, Morty. It's not gonna work anymore, Morty.

Morty Oh, geez, Rick, that's not good. W-what are we gonna do? I-I have to be back at school right now. How are we gonna get back home?

Rick There's ways to get back home, Morty. It's just it's just gonna be a little bit of a hassle. We're gonna have to go through interdimensional customs, so you're gonna have to do me a real solid.

Morty Uh-oh.

Rick When we get to customs, I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom, and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Morty.

Morty In my butt?

Rick Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit.

Morty Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that.

Rick Well, somebody's got to do it, Morty. Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Morty

Morty Uuuh.

Rick And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Morty. I mean, you're young. Y-y-you've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for grandpa, Morty. Y- burps. you've got to put these seeds inside your butt.

Morty In my butt?

Rick Come on, Morty. Please, Morty. You have to do it, Morty.

Morty Oh, man.

Cut to high school

Principal Vagina The fact is, your son, Morty, has attended this school for a total of seven hours over the last two months.

Beth What? Why didn't you notify us?

Principal Vagina I done been notifying you. Have you not been getting the messages I've been leaving with Morty's grandfather?

Jerry Boom! Told you! In your face! He is ruining our child! Wait, what am I celebrating?

Principal Vagina Yeah, see, I thought something was fishy there, because it's usually Morty's grandpa that's taking him out of school. they stop to see Summer and some other students, crying at an obituary for Frank.

Beth Summer?

Summer sobs. What kind of God lets this happen?

Principal Vagina We had a little incident. A student was frozen to death. chuckles. And there's no evidence that a Latino student did it! Everyone wants to take this to a racial place. I won't let them.

Cut to Intergalactic Customs

Announcer The glarp zone is for flarping and unglarping only.

Alien So, I told him, "give me the blimfarx," you know? This-this guy he doesn't understand interstellar currency.

Alien It's, like, I'm trying to eat a flimflam like, that's what we eat on Girvonesk.

Announcer The glarp zone is for flarping and unglarping only.

Rick Morty comes up to him, who is waiting in line to get through security.

I don't like it here, Morty. I can't abide bureaucracy. I don't like being told where to go and what to do. I consider it a violation. Did you get those seeds all the way up your butt?

Morty Yeah, Rick. Let's just get this over with, okay? I mean, these things are pointy. They hurt.

Rick That means they're good ones. You're a good kid, Morty. Those mega seeds are super valuable to my work. You've been a huge help to me. I'm gonna be able to do a-

burps) all kind of things with them. It's gonna be great, Morty. A- (burps) all kinds of science. (aliens are going through security with a Gromflomite, letting them through.

Gromflomite Okay, next through. stops Morty. Except you. You go over there.

Rick Why does he have to go over there?

Gromflomite Random check. He's got to go through the new machine.

Rick What new- burps. what new machine?

Gromflomite It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt.

Rick Run, Morty! Run! grabs Morty and they run through security and dart for the exit.

Morty Aaaaaah!

Gromfomite Red alert! team of Gromflomites starts chasing after Rick and Morty.

Morty Ohhhhh! Rick pushes over a giant capsule, with an alien fetus over, smashing some Gromflomites, to slow them down.

Morty Ohhhhhh! an alien is seen smoking a hookah and Morty runs past him and accidentally inhales the smoke from the hookah while Rick comes from behind and slaps the alien in the face, causing the alien to cry; he then coughs up a life form from the smoke and the lifeform starts running through the glarp zone and goes through the entire aging process from developing fetus to decomposing corpse, over the course of three seconds.

Morty Aaaaah!

Rick Don't think about it! he and Morty are cornered but Morty activates the grappling shoes and runs up the wall with Rick.

Rick Ooh! Oh, nice, Morty! The student becomes the teacher. the Gromflomites reveal that they can fly and then Rick and Morty start running away.

Morty Whoooooo! he and Rick run through the equipment on the ceiling, before they slip off to the ground.

Alien Aah! Aw, hell, no, dawg. You know me I'm just trying to— Rick and Morty crash to the ground and he dies; they then run to the portal computer.

Rick I need to type in the coordinates to our home world, Morty. Cover me. he tosses Morty a gun.

Morty Oh, man. I mean, you know, I-I don't want to shoot nobody.

Rick They're just robots, Morty! It's okay to shoot them! They're robots! Morty shoots a Glenn, blowing his leg off, and making blood gush out as he drops down in pain.

Glenn Aaaaah! My leg is shot off!

Other Gromflomite Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children!

Morty They're not robots, Rick!

Rick It's a figure of speech, Morty. They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them. Just keep shooting, Morty. You have no idea what prison is like here! Morty continues shooting the Gromflomites and even kills some innocent bystanders while Rick hacks into the portal to take them back home.

Morty Holy crap! This is insane! Rick opens the portal and takes Morty in with him.

Rick Come on, Morty! We got to get the hell out of here! the portal opens up in the lunchroom at school and Rick and Morty land on the table where Jessica and her friends are eating.

Jessica Wow. Did you just come into the cafeteria through a portal?

Morty Uh, yeah. Well, you know, my-my Ferrari's in the shop. nervously laughs.

Just kidding.

Jessica You're Morty, right?

Morty Yeah. Rick grabs Morty and takes him way.

Rick You can get his number later. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here. You got to get those seeds out of your ass. Rick and Morty are stopped by Jerry, Beth, and Principal Vagina.

Jerry Oh, look, honey. It's our son with Albert Ein-douche.

Beth What?

Jerry I'm an angry father, not an improviser.

Rick Oh, hi, Jerry. Oh, my goodness, Morty! What are you doing out of class? We talked about this. Your-your parents and I are very disappointed in-in this behavior... No? No takers? Rick and Morty are back at home in the garage while Jerry and Beth start taking all his things and packing them up so he can move to the nursing home.

Rick You guys should really not be touching that stuff. It's beyond your reasoning.

Jerry You're beyond our reasoning!

Rick Takes one to know one.

Beth Dad, how could you make my son miss an entire semester of school? I mean, it's not like he's a hot girl. He can't just bail on his life and set up shop in someone else's.

Rick What what are you guys doing with my stuff?

Beth We're moving you to a nursing home.

Rick A nursing home? What are what are you, nuts? I'm a genius. I build robots for fun.

Jerry Well, now you can build baskets and watch Paul Newman movies on VHS and mentally scar the Boy Scouts every Christmas.

Beth What does that mean?

Jerry It's personal.

Morty Dad, mom, come on. Rick just needed my help is all.

Jerry Morty, stay out of this. You are obviously not capable of judging these situations on your own.

Rick What are you trying to say about Morty? That he's stupid or something?

Beth Oh, don't high-road us, dad. You know fully well that Morty is the last child that needs to be missing classes.

Rick I-I-I don't know what you mean by that. Can can can you be a little bit more specific?

Jerry Oh, for crying out—he's got some kind of disability or something. Is that what you want us to say?

Morty I do?

Jerry Well, duh doy, son. Look, I love you, Morty, but we both know you're not as fast as the other kids, and if you want to compete in this world, you got to work twice as hard.

Morty Aw, geez, dad. Y-you know, that's a lot to drop on a kid all at once.

Rick Morty, t-tell your parents the square root of pi.

Morty Oh, come on, Rick. You know I can't.

Rick The square root of Pi, Morty. Go!

Morty 1.77245385... Whoa!

Beth What the hell?

Jerry checks Morty's answer with calculator. Holy crap. He's right.

Rick Morty, tell your parents the first law of Thermodynamics.

Morty "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart!

Jerry But—

Rick I told the both of you school is stupid. It's not how you learn things. Morty's a gifted child. He has a special mind. That's why he's my little helper. He's like me. He's gonna be doing great science stuff later in his life. He's too smart for school. He needs to keep hanging out and helping me.

Beth Jerry, I don't want whatever's happening here to stop.

Jerry No, I-I understand. Uh, maybe we overreacted. But he has to keep going to school.

Rick Okay, Jerry. You drive a hard bargain, but what am I supposed to do? Say no? You-you really wear the pants around here. I just want you to know, between us, from now on, it's gonna be clear communication. Summer butts in, crying over the death of Frank.

Summer crying. Frank Palicky was frozen to death today!

Rick No idea what you're talking about. Summer leaves, crying.

Jerry Okay. Well, uh, Morty, it's your bedtime in an hour. Don't stay up all night again. This is good, though. This can work. I think we can be a family and now, Beth, if you'll have me, I would love to have you.

Beth You know what? Okay. she and Jerry leave.

Morty Holy cow, Rick. I didn't know hanging out with you was making me smarter.

Rick Full disclosure, Morty it's not. Temporary superintelligence is just a side effect of the mega seeds dissolving in your rectal cavity.

Morty Aw, man.

Rick Yeah, and once those seeds wear off, you're gonna lose most of your motor skills, and you're also gonna lose a significant amount of brain functionality for 72 hours, Morty. Starting right about now.

Morty Ohh, man. losing consciousness) Oh, geez! Ohh. (drops to the ground and starts moaning as he has a seizure.

Rick I'm sorry, Morty. It's a bummer. In reality, you're as dumb as they come and I needed those seeds real bad, and I had to give them up just to get your parents off my back, so now we're gonna have to go get more adventures. excitedly looks down upon him, telling him about their future adventures.

And then we're gonna go on even more adventures after that, Morty and you're gonna keep your mouth shut about it, Morty, because the world is full of idiots that don't understand what's important, and they'll tear us apart, Morty but if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things, Morty, and you're gonna be part of them, and together, we're gonna run around, Morty. We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Morty. Just you and me, Morty. The outside world is our enemy, Morty. We're the only friends we've got, Morty. It's just Rick and Morty. Rick and Morty and their adventures, Morty. Rick and Morty forever and forever. Morty's things. Me and Rick and Morty running around, and Rick and Morty time. All day long, forever. All a hundred days. Rick and Morty forever 100 times. Over and over, All 100 years. Every minute,

Cut to black

Anatomy Park

Author(s): Justin Roiland

Transcriber/Editor(s): A. Hall

Date Aired: 2015-09-03

Reference Name(s): Jurassic Park

Reference Date(s): 1993

Open Ext. Smith residence Outside, there is snow on the ground. The Smith house is decorated for Christmas, and Jerry can be heard singing Last King Christmas.

Jerry singing Last King Christmas last arrived!

Trans Int. Kitchen The kitchen is a mess of food in various stages of preparation. Jerry pulls a ham out of the oven as he sings.

Jerry singing In the Christmas Christmas! stops singing and smells the ham Mmm... Jerry, you are really giving it to this ham.

Jerry enters the living room, where a tree stands with presents underneath it. Beth and Morty are occupied on tablets while Summer uses her smartphone.

Jerry Um, Merry Christmas? puts his hands on his hips Helloooo? My parents are coming over for the first time in years! Can we stow the gadgets and look alive?

Beth Alive? For your parents?

Jerry snags her tablet away and stows it in a stocking.

Jerry Good one.

Beth Hey man!

Jerry You 'hey man'! This holiday is about humanity.

Morty not looking up from his tablet You know, I thought it was about being born half-God or something.

Jerry Okay, whatever. All electronic items are going in the stocking. Now.

Morty hands over his tablet Ohhhh...

Summer Dad, I'm not giving you my phone.

Jerry Put it in the stocking, Summer, or I'm joining Facebook.

Summer gasps and drops her phone in the stocking.

Rick offscreen Ho ho ho, everybody.

Rick and Ruben enter the house and Jerry approaches them.

Jerry More like whoa whoa whoa. What is this? My parents are coming!

Rick Calm down Jerry, this is Ruben, an old friend.

Ruben Pearl Harbor.

Rick I check in on him once a year and give him a little burp medical burp evaluation.

Beth Aw, Dad... That is so sweet.

Jerry squinting suspiciously Yeah, it is... I don't get it.

Ruben Korea.

Rick Don't worry about your C-C-Christmas, Jerry. leads Ruben away Ruben and I'll be in my workshop while you have another day in Phil Collins' proverbial paradise.

Rick and Ruben head out to the garage.

Jerry Huh. You think you know a guy. The doorbell rings. Okay, there's my parents. Now remember, no TV, no phones, no laptops, we are connecting this Christmas, like old-school Jews on a Saturday. opens the door Hey hey!

Leonard and Joyce walk in.

Leonard Merry Christmas, son.

Jerry, not noticing Jacob, almost closes the door on him, then opens it back up.

Jerry Oh, hi. Can I help you?

Joyce Jerry, this is Jacob. takes Jacob by the arm Didn't you get our text message?

Beth, Summer, and Morty No.

Jacob You must be Jerry! That's a fine lookin' apron. William Sonoma?

Jerry smiling uncomfortably I wish... But thank you. closes the door So... you're a...friend of the family...?

Leonard puts an arm around Jacob's shoulders The way we see it, he's a part of the family.

Jerry Wow!

Joyce After your father's brush with cancer and losing your uncle, we looked at life and wondered how have we spent it? And how do we spend the rest of it? What are we going to be when we die? A list of fears and questions, or a collection of real experiences?

Beth Holy crap, Joyce. That's amazing.

Leonard Then Jacob came into our lives. We're learning to live again.

Jacob puts his arms around Joyce and Leonard.

Jacob All three of us.

Joyce, Leonard, and Jacob giggle. Jerry stares at them, confused and uncomfortable.

Jerry ...Cool... Eggnog?

Jacob Now we are talkin'! This man's got the apron and the eggnog, huh?

All laugh. Rick enters and starts laughing with the rest.

Rick Hi Joyce, Leonard. looks at Jacob Hello there.

Jacob Merry Christmas, man.

Rick Morty! A moment of your time?

Trans. Rick's garage Ruben is in fits, laid out on a ping-pong table. He's naked besides a towel over his genitals and his Santa hat.

Rick He's in bad shape, Morty.

Morty Aw geez, Rick! What did you do?

Rick Gee, thanks Morty. What kind of monster do you think I am? I-I'm sittin' here trying to save the guy's life! Rick straps a pack with a tube onto Morty's back and puts an earpiece on his head. I want you to find Dr. Xenon Bloom. He'll know what's goin' on.

Morty extremely nervous Uh... W-W-Where do I find Dr. Bloom?

Rick In Ruben. shoves a glass oxygen mask onto Morty's head

Morty Ruben... Minnesota?

Rick Ruben on the table, Morty! hooks up the backpack to the helmet Look, I-I don't have time for you to wrap your little walnut around everything. pulls a shrink ray into view and plugs it in Hold your breath until the process is over or your lungs will collapse.

Rick sets Morty under the shrink ray.

Morty W-What proc—

Rick activates the shrink ray and Morty shrieks as he's shrunk down to a microscopic size. Rick picks up the container Morty shrank into and puts it into a syringe, which he stabs into Ruben's chest. Just then, Beth enters the garage.

Beth Hey Dad, where's Morty?

Rick He's busy.

Trans. Int. Ruben's body Morty continues screaming as he is injected into the body in a stream of pink fluid. He lands on something soft and abruptly stops shouting.

Rick through Morty's earpiece Morty, can you hear me? Head North!

Morty Rick... Where am I?

Trans. Garage

Rick adjusts his own headset as he stands in the garage Depending on my aim, you should be just south of the entrance.

Morty through Rick's earpieceThe entrance to what?

Rick Welcome, Morty. The scene cuts back to Morty's view from inside Ruben. Welcome... Morty gasps. Anatomy Park!

The view pans to show an amusement park with a large Anatomy Park sign and various attractions and exhibits.

Rick It's a little business venture I've been cookin' up on the side with Dr. Bloom. Morty enters the park. An amusement park inside a human body. Science isn't cheap, Morty. This should really help put a dent in the overhead.

Morty Oh my God! This is insane! Spleen Mountain? Bladder Falls? Pirates of the Pancreas?

Rick You got a problem with that last one, Morty?

Morty Huh? No, no, I'm just reading them out loud in the order I'm seeing them.

Rick Okay, alright, if I sounded a little defensive, it's because Pirates of the Pancreas was my baby.

Trans. Garage

Rick I-I got a lot of push-back when I pitched it, Morty. I guess I'm still a little defensive. Let's just find Dr. Bloom, alright? I-I'm picking up a distress signal in the liver, Morty.

Trans. Anatomy Park.

Rick Proceed to the liver.

Following a sign posting directions, Morty hurries off in the direction of the 'Haunted Liver,' taking a shuttle to 'Lower Abdomenland'.

Automated voice Arriving at 'Liver'.

Morty stumbles forward and hits his helmet on the window Ow!

Automated voice Mind the gap.

Morty exits the train and enters a dark, unkempt area with flickering lights.

Morty It's really scary in here, Rick.

Rick Liver's under maintenance. Ruben's seen some rough years, Morty. Don't judge. You don't agree to have a theme park built inside you if your life's going great.

Trans. Int. Haunted Liver Morty enters a haunted house-style attraction. An animatronic wolf suddenly springs up behind him.

Morty OOOOHHH! Rick, it's a monster!

Rick No no, Morty. The only monster here is alco— belch —holism. The wolf is mechanically pulled back into the wall. That is an animatronic werewolf.

A hand reaches from around the corner and a large, muscular man with a thick accent grips Morty by the throat, lifting him up and pinning him to the wall with his forearm.

Poncho Who are you? Answer me! Where did you come from?

Morty Mmm! M-M-My-my-my Grandpa Rick sent me!

Dr. Bloom Poncho! That's quite enough.

Dr. Bloom walks into the room. He appears to be a blob of goo in a roughly human shape with glasses and a walking cane. Poncho glares, then reluctantly lets Morty fall to the ground.

Dr. Bloom Morty, that's Poncho. Another man and a girl walk into the room. This is Roger and Annie.

Morty staring sheepishly at Annie Oh...

Dr. Bloom And I am Dr. Xenon Bloom.

A speaker apparatus emerges from Morty's helmet. Rick speaks through it.

Rick Hey Bloom, it's Rick. What the hell's goin' on here?

Dr. Bloom I don't know why, but the entire security system has shut down. And I'm afraid the exhibits are unlocked.

Rick's speaker retreats into Morty's helmet.

Morty Exhibits?

Trans. Ext. Haunted Liver

Dr. Bloom Anatomy Park's greatest attraction, young man, isn't the music or the food or the Pirates of the Pancreas.

Rick Watch it.

Dr. Bloom It is first and foremost a living museum of humanity's most noble and ferocious diseases.

Morty Diseases?!

There's a distant roaring noise.

Poncho Hey Doc, I have news for ya. Hepatitis A lumbers towards the group. Your living museum is officially a wild safari!

Poncho begins shooting at Hepatitis A.

Roger Hepatitis A! Run!

The entire group screams and flees. Trans. Dining room The Smith family, sans Rick and Morty, are seated for dinner with Joyce, Leonard, and Jacob.

Jacob Oh... leans over and wipes some food from Joyce's mouth with a napkin The food goes in your mouth, girl!

All laugh, but Jerry's laugh is forced.

Jerry Aha... I'm sorry Jacob, I guess I'm still confused about the precise nature and origin of your relationship with my parents. Are you like a—Are you like their caretaker? Is that what it is?

Joyce We can go into detail later, son.

Leonard Now wait, there, there's no point to secrecy. Let's all live and die honestly. Your mother and I have shared forty years of each other, mind, body, and soul. Jerry and Jacob smile at each other, but when Jacob looks away, Jerry's smile becomes a glare. And when minds and souls are joined for eternity, and when eternity is at the door, it's an invitation to let go of the body, and an opportunity to share and experiment.

Jerry Dad, please, what are you saying?

Beth Whatever it is, it's beautiful Leonard. glares at Jerry And we support you.

Jerry Speak for yourself! Because it, heheh, it sounds like you're about to say Jacob is your lover.

Leonard No no no no no no. Jerry sighs in relief. Jacob is your mother's lover. Jerry again looks disturbed. I watch them. Sometimes from a chair, sometimes from a closet. Almost always dressed as Superman.

Joyce kisses Leonard's cheek and the two hold hands, looking at each other fondly.

Jacob Oh... reaches across the table and puts a hand atop theirs

Summer and Beth smile. Jerry stares, at a loss for words.

Jacob Jerry, this ham's got to be all you, right? It's in-cred-i-ble.

Summer smirks Happy human holiday, Dad.

Jerry appears more despondent than ever. Trans. Anatomy Park Poncho continues shooting at Hepatitis A.


The whole group rushes through a door before entering a code and shutting it.

Dr. Bloom Hepatitis won't follow us into the respiratory system!

They enter to a set of doors under a sign reading 'Alveoli Forest'. Roger examines a meter near the door.

Roger That's strange... taps the meter Air flow is down twenty percent.

Dr. Bloom So the brain isn't getting enough oxygen. That's why security is offline.

Morty W-Well, I guess we better check it out.

The group passes through the doors. As the doors are closing, Alexander, dressed in a dog mascot costume, rushes up and passes through.

Alexander Hey, wait for me! removes the head of his costume

Dr. Bloom points his cane at Alexander Put that back on!

Alexander pauses a moment before putting the dog head back on. The whole group examines the area.

Roger If we got up to the bronchial catwalk, we could look for blockage.

Morty raises his hand I'll go. glances at Annie Heheh...

Morty jumps onto one of the bouncy, round alveoli and clings to it.

Poncho Don't be a hero, kid.

Morty I'm not. I'm doin' it because it's fun. he hops from frond to frond

Poncho cocks his gun We shouldn't be here.

Dr. Bloom Whatever you do, don't fire that thing in here! We must save Ruben. This is my life's work.

Annie touches a growth of bacteria on some tar, which squelches, causing her to gasp in fear and recoil.

Annie Ah!

Dr. Bloom It's alright, my dear. Nearly all human lungs contain a strain of this bacteria, but the scar tissue... prods it with his cane, seeing something has escaped from the scar tissue ...keeps them dormant. looks up toward Morty, who is getting close to the catwalk Morty! Get down!

Morty Whoa! grabs hold of the catwalk as a fluid drips down onto it Whoa!

Tuberculosis begins crawling towards him. He lets go of the catwalk and bounces back down to the group, pursued by the disease.

Morty Oh! What are those things?!

Dr. Bloom Tuberculosis, coming in fast!

Poncho raises gun and starts shooting at the disease Not faster than a bullet! Ahh!

Dr. Bloom grabs Poncho's arm No! Do you know what you've done?!

Trans. Garage Ruben coughs. Trans. Lungs The force of the cough lifts the whole group off the ground, then they fall back down.

Dr. Bloom Get to the digestive tract! He's coughing!

The group starts running. Trans. Garage Ruben coughs several times again. Trans. Lungs The group all manages to push through besides Alexander. Morty rushes back to help him as his dog mask is blown from his face. Morty grabs a frond and reaches for Alexander's hand.

Alexander Waaaah! Don't let me die!

Trans. Garage Rick looks down over Ruben's mouth.

Rick Just take a deep breath, Ruben.

Ruben inhales deeply. Trans. Lungs

Morty You're not gonna die! What's your name?

Alexander My name is... his hand slips from Morty's and he's coughed up ALEXANDEEEEEEEER!

Alexander's skin and soft tissue are peeled off as Ruben coughs into Rick's face, getting some spittle, including Alexander, on Rick's forehead. The group, minus the now-dead Alexander, escape the respiratory system. Morty presses the speaker on his helmet.

Morty Rick! Ruben's got tuberculosis!

Trans. Garage

Rick Oh, great work, Morty. pulls a massive syringe form his lab coat I'll just cure it, and then—

Ruben's heart monitor flatlines. Rick tosses the syringe over his shoulder.

Rick Okay. Well I can't cure death. This is bad, Morty. You're trapped in a dead man. Listen, if the situation keeps darkening, do yourself a favor—

Trans. Anatomy Park

Rick —and hop by Pirates of the Pancreas. Obviously I'm biased, but, I think it's great, Morty.

Trans. Garage

Rick sitting in a lounge chair, pulls out a flask It's a bunch of pirates runnin' around a-a-a- pancreas. We don't whitewash it either, Morty. The pirates are really rapey. The top priority is to get you guys out of there, but I'm just saying, if that becomes impossible—

Trans. Anatomy Park The group listens to Rick, all looking glum.

Rick —please, you gotta treat yourself.

The group is headed to the digestive tract.

Morty Geez, what's that horrible smell?

Dr. Bloom You mean the Panda Express? chuckles Kidding, I-I'm kidding. As he speaks, Poncho and Roger stock up on bottled water from the Panda Express. The body is beginning to constrict and fill with gas. We're inside a corpse, my boy. Anatomy Park is doomed.

Morty Forget about the park, Doctor! How do we get out?!

Dr. Bloom The digestive tract is the evacuation route. Get it? There's an emergency station in the colon with a ray that can enlarge us all.

Morty Everybody! Get to the colon!

Poncho Now I'm takin' orders from a twelve-year-old boy?!

As they walk, Dr. Bloom speaks privately with Morty.

Dr. Bloom Morty. The scar sacs containing the tuberculosis were sabotaged. This disaster was an inside job. Keep your eyes on Annie. She was written up several times by her manager at the churro stand.

Roger Intestines are ahead to the left. Then the right. Then left. Et cetera.

Morty slows to walk beside Annie.

Morty Hey, just so you know, I-I'm actually fourteen. So, you know...

Annie What?

Morty Not twelve.

Annie Okay.

Morty Because he just said I was twelve.

Annie Oh. Good for you.

She walks ahead of him.

Rick through speakerOh. Oh, Morty. Strike one.

Morty slumps forward Nnn...

Trans. Small intestine The group travel down the small intestine in a raft, surrounded by animatronics singing 'It's a Small, Small Intestine.'

Animatronics singing It's a road of laughter, a trail of food. It's a pathway that breaks up the fat in food. It's a tube in the chest and it sends out the rest. It's a small, small intestine!

Roger It goes on like this for miles...

Dr. Bloom excitedly And then we get to the large intestine!

A low rumbling can be heard.

Poncho Shh. shines flashlight I hear something.

Gonorrhea rises up from the river of waste.

Dr. Bloom whispers Don't move. Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move.

Gonorrhea roars viciously and moves towards them.

Dr. Bloom Wait! I was wrong! I was thinking of a T-rex.

Poncho pulls out a gun, but before he can fire, Gonorrhea capsizes the boat and they all fall overboard. They swim to the 'shore' on the side of the intestine.

Annie We're sitting ducks!

Morty Doc! Didn't you say the body was filling up with gas?

Dr. Bloom Yes. Why?

Poncho Kid! You're a genius! pulls out a match

Dr. Bloom Are you mad?!

Morty grabs Annie's hand Everybody! In here!

They all rush into a cavity in the intestinal lining. Poncho lights the match.

Poncho Hey Gonorrhea! How's this for a burning sensation?

He throws the match towards the disease, where it ignites the gas and causes an explosion. Gonorrhea falls down, dead. Annie hugs Morty, who laughs. Trans. Smith family living room Leonard, Summer, Joyce, Jacob, Beth, and Jerry sit in a semicircle on the carpet. Jerry scowls and slumps. Leonard is playing a set of bongos while Summer sings.

Summer singing Drummer, drum, drum, drum! Drummer, drum, drum drum drum, Christmas drums!

Leonard Oh, Summer. Sing it! Haha.

Summer Christmas drums being played by a boy!

Beth is clapping along when she notices Jerry sulking. She puts an arm around him.

Beth Jerry, come on. This is what you wanted.

Jerry I get it, Beth. Be careful what you wish for. I'm being punished for taking your iPad.

Beth What? Jerry, let that stuff go, okay? I'm sorry I was a bitch earlier. Let's just be here.

Ethan walks up to the sliding glass doors and lets himself into the house.

Ethan Ugh... Summer!

Summer stands up Ethan, what are you doing here?

Ethan I've been texting you for hours. What the hell?!

Summer I don't have my phone! I'm doing a human holiday!

Ethan Did you even consider how that might make me feel?

Summer How you feel? Why is everything always happening to you?!

Jerry stands up Summer, do you have a boyfriend?

Ethan Yeah, do you, Summer?

Summer I don't know Ethan, do I?

Jacob stands up and puts a hand on Ethan and Summer's shoulders Jerry, no disrespect, but you really need to connect more with your family, man.

Jerry stares at him, flabbergasted. Trans. Anatomy Park The group runs through another metal security door and hurry down a platform to a growth ray.

Roger I should be able to access the backup generator to get the growth ray back online. If it works, we'll be regular-sized in a few minutes. I just hope Ruben's not in a room with white carpets or upholstery.

Something roars in the distance, causing the area to rumble.

Poncho What the hell is that?

Dr. Bloom The sphincter dam. We built it when Ruben became incontinent, but it was not designed to hold a corpse-load.

The dam is clearly close to giving way. Roger keeps working to get the growth ray active.

Roger Almost got it. Everybody, move inside the circle!

Morty notices a strange, black creature in Poncho's backpack.

Morty Poncho? What is this in your backpack?

Poncho turns around to face Morty, giving Dr. Bloom a view of the creature.

Dr. Bloom That's bubonic plague! What are you doing with that, Poncho?

Poncho grabs hold of Annie and holds a knife to her throat. Annie gasps and tries to kick free.

Poncho Everybody get back!

Dr. Bloom Poncho, you son of a bitch! You released the tuberculosis so you could steal from me?

Poncho laughs That's right, baby. A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population. I'll take the highest bidder. Al Quaeda. North Korea. Republicans! Shriners! Balding men that work out! People on the Internet that are only turned on by cartoons of Japanese teenagers! Anything is better than working for you! points the knife at Dr. Bloom You pompous, negligent, iTunes Gift Card as a holiday bonus-giving—

Morty AHHHHH!!!

Morty leaps up and grabs onto Poncho's helmet, allowing Annie to escape. He punches Poncho repeatedly before Poncho pulls him off his face and throws him to the ground, where Roger helps him up. Poncho laughs evilly, but stops short when Bubonic Plague bites his shoulder.

Poncho Ah! Eh! Get! Get off! he backs up and falls over the railing Ahhhh!

The four remaining look over the edge as he falls to his death. Just then, the sphincter dam begins groaning, almost giving way.

Annie You guys!

Roger It's gonna burst! urges the others on Go! Go, go, go! pulls a lever before trying to run after the others but catches his foot in some of the machinery My foot is stuck!

Morty holds Annie back as she makes to help Roger.

Annie No!

Roger This is okay! It's okay, just go! Tell my family I love them! They may be hard to find because my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it too, so, I dunno, you can—

Just then, the dam bursts, drowning Roger in Ruben's excrement.

Annie No!

Dr. Bloom seals the door to the chamber and Annie hugs Morty, distraught and crying. Trans. Smith family living room Leonard, Joyce, and Beth sit on the chair and sofa, Jerry and Summer stand, and Jacob kneels with Ethan in the center of the room.

Jacob Let me ask you something Ethan. Where's the anger coming from, man?

Ethan From Summer being a total bitch!

Jacob takes hold of Ethan's cheeks and forces him to make eye contact.

Jacob Where's the anger coming from?

Ethan ...My brother... took me fishing the bushes... voice begins choking up as tears fill his eyes I can't... I can't! covers his eyes as he starts to cry He made me feel like a girl! sobbing openly I'm... m-made me a girl!

Jacob helps Ethan up to his feet.

Jacob He didn't make you anything, man. You are who you are. gestures to Summer She is who she is. Summer watches on with a sympathetic expression. Now you go to her. Brand new.

Ethan walks over to Summer.

Ethan Come here right now!

Summer Oh my god, I'm so sorry Ethan! they hug I love you!

Ethan I love you so much.

The two begin making out. Everyone claps besides Jerry.

Jerry Um...

Joyce You did it again, cubby. Come here.

Joyce and Jacob begin to kiss. Jerry looks to the easy chair to see Leonard has gotten up and is backing into the closet, unbuttoning his shirt to reveal a Superman costume underneath.

Jerry No! Stop! I hate this!

Beth, Joyce, and Jacob glare at him.

Joyce Well, Christmas doesn't revolve around what you hate, son.

Jerry Well then, I hate Christmas! Enjoy being human! You guys are gross and lame.

He walks out. Summer and Ethan and Joyce and Jacob continue kissing. Trans. Anatomy Park The three survivors are in a small theater where an animatronic Ruben gives a presentation. Morty and Annie have their helmets off and are making out, and Dr. Bloom sits a few seats away eating ice cream.

Animatronic Ruben My name's Ruben Ridley. You're inside me right now, but by the end of this journey, I'll be inside all of you.

Dr. Bloom appears to miss every other bite of ice cream, probably due to his semi-aqueous form.

Animatronic Ruben My story begins in the dot com crash in the early '90s.

The animatronic sparks, then goes limp.

Annie whispering to Morty You can put your fingers wherever you want...

Rick through speakerMorty, you wanna put it on mute or something? Annie and Morty both look at Morty's helmet, startled.

Trans. Garage Rick is working on a computer, still talking to Morty through his headset.

Rick I'm trying to concentrate.

Jerry wanders to the door.

Jerry Ah, Rick?

Rick holds up a hand without even looking over at him Not now, Jerry. I've got much, much smaller fish to fry.

Jerry enters anyway I wanted to say I'm sorry I ever judged you. leans on the ping pong table, looking down at Ruben's corpse Right now, you're my sanest relative.

Rick, who had been typing away, suddenly pauses.

Rick Relative... That's it! Relative size! Jerry, hand me a scalpel and a bundle of dynamite! into his headset Morty! Can you get to the left nipple?

Trans. Anatomy Park Annie is in Morty's lap.

Morty Are you kidding? I'm hoping I can get to both of them, Rick.

Rick through speakerMorty, I'm talkin' about Ruben's left nipple!

The area begins to rumble and cave in. Morty lifts Annie off his lap and both put on their helmets.

Morty We need to get to the left nipple!

Dr. Bloom The body is decaying! Bits of debris begin to fall from the 'ceiling'. The arterial transit system is useless! We can try the service shuttle. It's connected to the skeletal system. That's why we call it the Bone Train. to Annie Would you like to ride the Bone Train, miss?

Annie If it'll get us out of here.

Dr. Bloom How about you, Morty? Would you like to ride the Bone Train?

Morty Why are you doing this bit? We're gonna die. Let's go.

Trans. Garage Jerry looks on as Rick inserts a bundle of dynamite into an incision on Ruben's abdomen. He takes a few steps back toward the door back to the house.

Jerry Well, I can see that you're busy... Merry Christmas, Rick.

Rick lifts Ruben's corpse from the table and heads out to the car, dumping Ruben's body inside. Trans. Anatomy Park: the Bone Train

Dr. Bloom There's no autopilot. One of us will have to stay here and operate it manually.

Morty and Annie glance at each other, then look back at Dr. Bloom. Dr. Bloom glances at each of the teenagers. Morty and Annie continue staring at him.

Morty ...Uh, well...

Dr. Bloom No, you're right. It was a dick move for me to even pause like that. This is all my fault. You go on.

Something approaches the group from a nearby set of stairs.

Annie points What the hell is that?

Dr. Bloom E. coli outbreak. Hurry!

Morty and Annie jump into the shuttle as E. coli swarm the area. Dr. Bloom pulls a lever and the shuttle begins to move.

Dr. Bloom Oh wait, there is an autopilot. E. coli surround him. WAAAIT! ...OKAY, NEVER MIND, I WANTED TO SACRIFICE MYSELF ANYWAAAAAYYYY!

As the train speeds down the track, some of the E. coli have attached themselves to the vehicle. One smashes the window of the train door and sticks its head inside.

Annie They're chewing through the doors!

Morty Euuuugh! grabs a fire extinguisher and beats the E. coli off the train with it We're in the areola, Rick! Almost to the nipple! But we're also in a really bad situation!

Trans. Earth's orbit Rick flies his spacecraft out of Earth's atmosphere.

Rick I'm almost there, Morty!

Rick lights the end of the dynamite bundle in Ruben's abdomen, kicks him out into space, and uses a growth ray to increase Ruben to an enormous size—large enough to make Morty and Annie their normal sizes again, but still inside him. Trans. Earth Various people across America stop what they're doing and look at the sky as Ruben's huge, naked corpse hovers overhead.

Reporter Reports are coming in from across the country about what appears to be a giant naked man over the continental United States. We now go to Tom Randolph in New York. Tom?

As Tom speaks, Ruben's terrifyingly enormous face floats overhead.

Tom Well, his eyes aren't twinkling, and his dimples aren't merry, but I'm standing under a nose like a seventy-mile cherry!

Reporter Thank you, Tom. Let's go now to Eric McMan in Los Angeles.

Ruben's poorly kept toes hover in the background while Eric speaks.

Eric We've got feet here on the West Coast, Bill! Giant feet, even relative to the giant man's size! And you know what they say about that!

Reporter Well, if the old adage is true, one can only wonder what is going down in the Rocky Mountains.

Trans. Rocky Mountains A lumberjack pauses while hacking down a tree, looks up, screams, and runs away. Trans. Earth's orbit Rick flies his ship toward the nipple. Trans. Bone Train E. coli continue trying to break in, with Morty beating them away with a fire extinguisher. Running up to the front of the train, he and Annie see that Hepatitis A is has damaged the track.

Morty Oh my god, the track!

Annie It's Hepatitis A!

As Morty tries to slow the train down, it flies off the track and straight through some of Ruben's soft tissue, bursting into the nipple. The train hits a bump, throwing Morty and Annie out. They look up and gasp.

Annie The nipple hole...

Through the nipple hole, they're able to see Earth as the sun peeks over the horizon.

Morty It's beautiful...

Suddenly, there's a crash behind them. Hepatitis A bursts out from the train wreckage and lumbers towards Morty and Annie.

Annie Aw no!

The two run, and just as Hepatitis A is about to catch them, Hepatitis C snatches it up and shakes it like felled prey.

Annie Whoa! It's Hepatitis C!

Hepatitis C gives them a thumbs-up before lumbering away with its kill in its mouth.

Morty Um... We... Did we have some sort of relationship with him?

Annie I... think they're just like that? I think they're just good guys.

Morty Oh. Huh.

Rick flies his spaceship into the nipple, landing it behind them. Morty and Annie climb inside.

Rick Where's Dr. Bloom?

Morty Sorry Rick... He's dead...

Rick Goddamn it, Morty, I ask you to do one thing!

Rick flies the spaceship out of the nipple and away from Ruben's corpse just before the dynamite ignites and the body explodes, sending blood and gore in all directions. Trans. Smith residence Joyce, Leonard, Jacob, Beth, Summer, and Ethan all bundle up to go sledding.

Beth Jerry doesn't know what he's missing.

Jacob He'll come around, Beth. Christmas is a special time. It has funny ways of bringing families together.

Beth I dunno, Jacob. Jerry got an invitation to be alive today, and he rejected it. I don't know if our marriage will—

Beth stops talking as blood starts splattering the sliding glass doors. The whole group stares in shock as blood seems to pour from the sky.

Summer It's raining blood!

Jacob Listen, find Jerry!

Beth Oh god.

Trans. Jerry's den Blood is raining on the window there as well. Jerry is sitting in a chair, watching the news, when the family bursts in.

Beth Jerry!

Jerry stands and hugs her It's alright! The TV says there's nothing to worry about.

Reporter on TV The giant naked sky Santa has exploded. Blood and chunks of viscera are raining down on the country. Everything should be fine.

Family sighs in relief.

Summer Dad, can I have my phone back?

Jerry Sure, sweetie. pulls out the stocking and gives Summer her phone, then gives Beth her tablet Everybody, take a device. It'll help you relax.

Jacob This is nice.

Jerry Yeah. puts an arm around Beth and Jacob I guess we really learned something this Christmas, Jacob.

Summer No we didn't, Dad. No we didn't.

Trans. Smith house It's no longer raining blood, but reddish chunks of Ruben are everywhere as Rick lands his spacecraft, parking it in the garage.

Rick Too bad about Dr. Bloom. Rick, Annie, and Morty exit the car He was a genius. The only man capable of creating a new Anatomy Park.

Annie Actually, I studied Dr. Bloom's work. I believe I have the knowledge necessary to create a new, much safer park!

Rick What about Pirates of the Pancreas...?

Annie I think it was one of the most underrated attractions.

Rick Booyah! Hold your breath!

Annie is already standing under the shrink ray as Rick pulls the lever, shrinking her down to microscopic size once again, much to Morty's chagrin.

Morty Hey, wh-wh- What the hell, Rick? What the hell, man? I liked her! I really had somethin' going there, Rick!

Rick pockets the container holding Annie.

Rick Yeah, so I heard. You dodged a bullet, Morty, trust me. whispers Puffy vagina.

Morty W-What's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me! I dunno!

Rick C'mon. Let's get some stuffing, I'm starving.

Trans. Smith family living room Beth, Leonard, Summer, and Ethan sit on the couch, Jacob sits in the easy chair with Joyce in his lap, and Jerry sits on the carpet. All are staring at handheld electronics as Rick and Morty enter the room.

Rick Oh, unbelievable. We got a bunch of robot computer people sittin' around with their faces stuffed in computer screens. No one acknowledges him. Do you realize Christ was born today? Jesus Christ our Savior was born today! A-A-A-Are you people even human? What kind of Christmas is this?

Jerry looks at the audience and shrugs. End Credits roll Trans. Rick's garage

Annie through speaker phoneHey Rick! Rick, can you hear me?

Rick Loud and clear, Annie.

Annie Great! We're also on with Alejandro, our Chief Imaginarian—

Alejandro Hey Rick.

Annie Natalie Jacobs and Chris Desiter from Microscopic Marketing, Zach from Organ Concepts and Jamie from New Media.

Rick Hey everybody.

All Hey, hi Rick, how's it goin'. etc.

Annie So. Pirates of the Pancreas.

Rick Yeah, talk to me.

Alejandro Hey Rick, it's Alejandro speaking. Um, so we asked ourselves internally, we asked ourselves over here, “Okay, what does a pancreas do?” Rick begins to look agitated. And the answer was, does it make pirates? No. It makes insulin, you know? So we're starting with a new—

Rick, furious, picks up and slams the phone, hanging up on the group call. Behind him, Ethan lies on a table.

Ethan So those guys are inside me, huh? Like, building a park?

Rick Those guys are inside you building a piece of shit, Ethan! They're inside you building a monument to compromise! Fuck. Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan.

Ethan ... Cool. And who pays me?

Jurassic Park1993

Lawnmower Dog

Author(s): Justin Roiland

Transcriber/Editor(s): A. Hall

Date Aired: 2013-12-09

Reference Name(s): Lawnmower Man

Reference Date(s): 1975

Jerry and Summer are in the living room. Jerry is flipping through channels on TV and Summer is texting

TV Coin collecting is considered the perfect hobby. Beautiful putt right there good birdie. That's only the eighth birdie of the day.

Snuffles walks up to Jerry are sits there, looking at him

Jerry What? Why are you looking at me? You want to go outside? Outside? Sigh

Jerry opens the door to let Snuffles out but he still just stands there

Jerry Outside?

Snuffles pees on the carpet

Jerry Are you kidding me?! Come on!

Summer Oh, my God.

Morty hears his dad yelling and runs into the room to check up on him

Morty What's wrong?

Jerry Your idiot dog!

Morty Oh, he he didn't mean it, dad. Did you, snuffles? You're a good boy.

Jerry Don't praise him now, Morty! He just peed on the carpet! Bad dog! Bad!

Jerry grabs Snuffles by the head and stuffs his face into the pee puddle just as Rick walks in

Rick Morty, come on. I need your help tonight.

Jerry Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick. You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you?

Rick I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior, Jerry. If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread. Come on, Morty.

Jerry Listen, Rick, if you're gonna stay here rent-free and use my son for your stupid science, the least you could do is put a little bit of it to use for the family. You make that dog smart or Morty's grounded!

Summer Ha-ha!

Morty Aw, man!

Rick Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry.

Rick goes into the garage and quickly whips up a helmet and comes back and puts it on Snuffles

Rick All right, Ruffles What's his name?

Morty Snuffles.

Rick Snuffles, shake.

Snuffles understands his and shakes

Rick Roll over.

Snuffles rolls over

Rick Go to the bathroom.

Snuffles goes out of the room, a toilet flush is heard, and then he returns

Jerry Holy crap!

Summer No way.

Rick Yeah, you're at the top of your game now, Jerry. Have fun. Come on, Morty.

Rick and Morty go into the garage

Morty That was fantastic, Rick!

Rick Yeah, Morty, if you like that, boy, you're you're really going to flip your lid over this one.

Rick shows Morty a tiny metal ear-piece like device

Morty W-w-w-what is it?

Rick It's a device, Morty, that when you put it in your ear, you can enter people's dreams, Morty. It's just like that movie that you keep crowing about.

Morty You talking about "Inception"?

Rick That's right, Morty. This is gonna be a lot like that, except, you know, it's gonna may-Belch-be make sense.

Morty "Inception" made sense.

Rick You don't have to try to impress me, Morty. Listen, tonight we're gonna go into the home of your math teacher, Mr. Goldenfold, and we're gonna incept the idea in his brain to give you A's in math, Morty. That way you can, you know, y-you're gonna help me with my science, Morty, all the time.

Morty Geez, Rick, in the time it took you to make this thing, couldn't you have just, you know, helped me with my homework?

Rick Are you listening to me, Morty? Homework is stupid. The whole point is to get less of it.

Rick and Morty get into the space cruiser and start going off

Rick Come on, let's just get over there and deal with this thing. W-we're gonna incept your teacher. You're frustrating me.

Mr. Goldenfold is in his home, watching TV on the couch, eating nachos, half asleep

Mrs. Pancakes You don't know me!

Mr. Goldenfold ' Nice, Mrs. Pancakes real nice.

Mr. Goldenfold falls asleep just as Rick and Morty sneak in through his window

Commercial Announcer Next week on "The days and nights of Mrs. Pancakes"

Mrs. Pancakes You don't know me!

Mr. Pancakes Then let me get to know yo, damn it!

Rick Uh-oh! Spoilers!

Rick quickly turns off the TV

Rick I'm a full season behind.

Morty Wow, Rick, I can't believe we're sitting around, standing around in Mr. Goldenfold's house. It's really weird.

Rick It's about to get a whole lot weirder, Morty.

Rick puts inception devices on everyone and they enter Mr. Goldenfold's dream. Here, he is sitting on the airplane and Mrs. Pancakes is the flight attendant serving snacks

Mrs. Pancakes Wheat thins. Wheat thins.

Mr. Goldenfold I'll take two.

Mrs. Pancakes Oh, I think you've had enough, sir.

Mr.Goldenfold You don't know me.

Rick All right, Morty, time to make our move.

Rick grabs some sodas and a cloth while Mr. Goldenfold and Mrs. Pancakes play around with each other

Mr. Goldenfold Make it bounce.

Mrs. Pancakes No, you didn't.

Mr. Goldenfold Oh, jiggle it now.

Mrs. Pancakes You better stop with that.

Rick and Morty jump out, disguised as Muslim terrorists, wearing soda bottles as bombs and Morty wearing the cloth on his head like an Islamic woman

Rick Allahu Belch akbar! We're gonna take control of this plane! We're gonna 9/11 it unless Morty Smith gets better grades in math!

The passengers are frozen in shock, but Mr. Goldenfold gets up and stands against him

Rick Hey! I said nobody move, buddy!

Mr. Goldenfold The name's not buddy. It's Goldenfold. Nice to wheat you!

Mr. Goldenfold throws a bunch of wheat thins at them, and it cuts their flesh like ninja stars

Rick Take cover, Morty!

Mr. Goldenfold suddenly takes out two giant firearms and starts firing them at the two, just after Rick and Morty hide behind the seats, sheltering themselves from the attacks.


Morty Ooohhh!

Rick Goldenfold's got more control here than I anticipated. I mean, the guy teaches high-school math. Belch I didn't take him for an active dreamer. We've got to take him out so he wakes up, Morty but we can't get killed. If you get killed in someone else's dream, you die for real, Morty.

Morty What?! Are you kidding me?! Ohhhhhh!

Rick Don't be a baby! You avoid getting shot in real life all the time, Morty. Just do the same thing here, and we'll be fine!

Jerry is in the living room, controlling Snuffles and showing to Beth how cool it is

Jerry Now bring me my slippers.

Snuffles brings Jerry his slippers

Summer Now, be my footstool, Snuffles.

Snuffles stands in front of her and Summer rests her feet there

Jerry This is what I'm talking about. This is a dog.

Beth Unimpressed Oh, yeah. This should play out just fine.

Jerry You said the same thing, equally sarcastically, at our wedding and guess what?

Everyone is silent for a few seconds while Beth gives him blank stare. Jerry slowly starts to fade into a depressed state as Beth walks off, leaving him

Snuffles Ooowwwwowowwaawaa!

Summer Oh, my God! He's trying to tell us something. Offscreen That is so awesome.

Snuffles Aaaawwaaaaawaawa!

Jerry Aw, he's saying "I love lasagna".

Snuffles Ooooyayawawa!

Summer He's saying "I love Obama". Offscreen So cute! I'm posting this Onscreen online, like, right now.

Jerry I should call Bob Saget. Is that still a thing?

Jerry and Summer leave the room and Snuffles sadly walks over the the glass door and sees his helmet in the reflection

Snuffles Hmm?

Snuffles finds the battery case on his helmet and then goes into the kitchen, where he finds a drawer full of batteries Mr. Goldenfold is still shooting things up in the plane and Rick attempts to make peace with him

Rick Goldenfold, we're coming out! We just want to talk!

Mr.Goldenfold Why would I negotiate with you?

Rick Because we're both rational adults that don't want anything bad to happen. And because I have a human shield.

Rick takes out Mrs. Pancakes

Mr. Goldenfold Mrs. Pancakes! AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!


Rick Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking.

Plane Passenger Oh no! Run!

One of the passengers beats the airlock off the plane and everyone flies out


Rick Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoooooaaaa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoooooaaaa!

Morty Whooooa! Whoooooooa! Whoa! Whooooooooaaaaa!

Rick and Morty fall out of the plane, plummeting to their dooms


Rick Relax, Morty. Look! Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute. Come on!

Rick and Morty grab onto Mrs. Pancakes are her parachute deploys

Mrs. Pancakes Hey, you don't know me!

Morty Oh, no, Rick, look! Goldenfold landed the plane, and he's created a Offscreen mechanical arm to pluck Mrs. Pancakes out of the air while he lets us fall - into a giant vat of lava!

Rick Pretty concise, Morty. Looks like we've merely prolonged the inevitable. That's it, Morty! Prolonging the inevitable! Listen, if we go into Mrs. Pancakes' dream, everything will go 100 times slower, Morty. That'll buy us some time to figure this out!

Mrs. Pancakes You don't know m-

Rick slaps Mrs. Pancakes, knocking her out, and then incepts her dream with Morty

Rick All right, let's go.

Rick and Morty go inside of her dream which is a bizarre S&M dungeon filled with obscure gooey, monstrous, alien-like creatures

Morty Oh, man, Rick, this is pretty weird.

Rick Don't judge, Morty.

Morty Okay. All right, well Look, Mrs. Pancakes is right over there. I'll just go ask her to tell goldenfold not to kill us when she wakes up.

Rick Whoa, whoa, Morty, the trick to incepting is making people think they came up with the idea. Listen to me. If we're gonna incept Mrs. Pancakes, we have to blend. I'll talk to you after lunch.

Rick leaves Morty and blends in and then Morty in confronted by a sexualized creature

Sexualized S&M Monster Ooh, hey!

Morty Ooh, oh! Oh, man.

Many more creatures come up and try to seduce him, making him more uncomfortable

Sexualized S&M Monster Come and join us.

Morty starts running

Morty I'm sorry. No, no.

Sexualized S&M Monster Ooh, come here!

Morty No, thanks!

Giant Frog Woman Ooh, wow! - Come over here, baby!

Morty No, I'm okay.

Morty bumps into a human being who looks very hot

Morty Whoa!

The human is revealed to be his sister, Summer

Morty Shocked Summer?!

Summer Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things?

Summer shakes her tits in his face

Morty Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross!

Morty starts running away from her and Rick comes up

Rick Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Morty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here.

Morty It's Summer! Aw, geez.

Rick Looks like goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams of the people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister.

Summer Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy. Let's make an inter-generational sandwich.

Rick In Unison With Morty Oh, my God. Put some clothes on for the love of God Summer! Put some - I'm gunna puke! I swear to God I'm gunna puke!

Morty In Unison With RickOh, my God! Put some clothes on, for Pete's sake! This is disgusting! I can't take it, Rick!

Everyone in the dungeon starts noticing them and then an angry centaur who is very much in charge shows up

Centaur Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure chamber are punishable by death! Off with their heads!

Rick Time to go another dream deep, Morty!

Rick pops the neck of the centaur and they hook up more devices and incept his dream Rick and Morty appear in a dark and horrid red rusted chamber where the Centaur is shuttering in fear

Morty What the hell? Why would Mr. Goldenfold's dream version of Mrs. Pancakes' dream version of a Centaur be dreaming about a scary place like this, Rick?

Rick Geez, I don't know, Morty. Wha-what do you want from me?

A horrible Freddy Krueger monster named Scary Terry shows up, and starts to horrify them

Scary Terry Welcome to your nightmare, bitch! RAAAAAWWWRRR!

Rick Oh, here we go!

Morty Ooooooohhhhh! Holy crap!

Rick and Morty start running and Scary Terry chases after them

Rick Looks like some sort of legally safe knock-off of an '80s horror character with miniature swords for fingers instead of knives.

Scary Terry I'm scary Terry. You can run, but you can't hide, bitch!

Jerry and Summer are in the living room and Snuffles appears with a robotic arm attached to his helmet

Jerry Whoa! Hey, buddy. What you got going on there?

Snuffles is now able to communicate and speak English through the helmet

Snuffles Snuffles fix. Make better.

Summer Humans understand snuffles now? That is awesome!

Snuffles Snuffles want to be understood. Snuffles need to be understood.

Jerry Okay, yeah. I get what Beth was talking about. Fun's over.

Summer Whoa, dad, you can't, like, endow a creature with sentience and then rip it away.

Jerry Why not?

Summer I don't know. It's Indian giving.

Snuffles turns on the TV to a documentary on dogs and starts watching it

TV A sophisticated predator, nature's perfect killing machine, the vicious wolf stalks its prey with purpose and skill. It was only with years of selective breeding and genetic altering that this noble beast was transformed into man's subservient little buddy.

Summer Aw! Oh, my God! He recognizes the other dogs on TV.

Back in the dream, Rick and Morty are running for their lives, when they come across a creepy singing jump roping girl

Little Girl "A," "b" his name is scary Terry "C," "d" he's very scary.

Rick Holy crap! We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Morty!

Morty Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man!

Little Girl "E," "f" he'll design your death

Rick The little girl!

Morty Huh?

Rick and Morty knock out the little girl and incept her dream, only to go into a place exactly like the one they're already in

Little Girl "J," "k," he'll really ruin your day.

Rick Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty.

Morty Oh, geez, Rick. W-w-whoa, this isn't good.

Scary Terry Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch!

Morty Ohhhh!

Rick Holy crap, Morty. He can travel through dreams. He can travel through dreams! We're so screwed!

Summer is sleeping in the middle of the night but is then woken up by Snuffles, who now has an entire robot body

Snuffles Where are my testicles, Summer? ... Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone?

Summer ScaredOh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles.

Snuffles Do not call me that!

Snuffles smashes the mirror, making Summer shriek in fear

Snuffles "Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball, because my fur is pretty and white.

Summer Okay, Snowball, just calm down, okay? You're scaring me.

Snuffles Scaring you?

Snuffles smashes the mirror, making Summer shriek in fear

Summer AAAAAAAHHH!!!!!

Snuffles Tell me, Summer, if a human was born with stumpy legs, would they breed it with another deformed human and put their children on display like the dachshund?

Summer Uhhh ...

Beth and Jerry rush into the room, hearing her scream and they notice Snuffles

Jerry Hey. Oh, wow. Okay, is is is everything okay in here?

Snuffles Jerry, come to rub my face in urine again?

Jerry No! No, we were uh, just seeing if Summer wanted to uh ...

Beth G-Go on, um, one of our famous midnight family walks!

Summer Yeah. Totally. Let's go.

Beth, Jerry, and Summer try to leave, but they are stopped by another dog with a robotic mind control suit

Snuffles You will walk when it is time to walk.

Screen cuts to black for the intermission break

Rick What are we here for again? Incepting? We're trying to incept-

Morty We're trying to incept me to get an "A" in math?

Rick Oh, yeah.

Scary Terry appears in the car

Scary Terry Buckle up, bitch!

Morty Ooooooaaahhh!

Rick and Morty start running

Morty Man, he sure says "bitch" a lot!

Scary Terry You can run, but you can't hide, bitch!

Rick Hold on, Morty. Y-you know what? He keeps saying we can run but we can hide. I say we try hiding.

Morty But that's the opposite of what-

Rick Yeah, well, since when are we taking this guy's advice on anything?

Morty Hey, you know what? You got a really good point there, Rick. Like, if the truth was that we could hide, it's not like he'd be sharing that information with us, you know? I-I-I think it's a good idea, Rick.

Rick Worst-case scenario we're back to running.

A time lapse transition card shows up, reading "Six dream hours later". Rick and Morty are seen hiding and Scary Terry goes past them, still looking for them and not knowing where they are

Morty Wow, you know what? I mean, it looks like we could have just hid this whole time. Boy, Rick, that was some good thinking.

Rick Thanks, Morty. Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while.

Scary Terry You can run But you can't hide! Yawn

Rick Oh, this is perfect, Morty. Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day. That's when we make our move.

Scene cuts back to the dogs. They are working in a factory and Jerry, Summer, and Beth are seen, trapped in a cage.

Jerry Snuffles, we didn't mean you any harm! This is a huge misunderstanding.

Summer Dad, he wants to be called snowball.

Jerry Well, I'm not calling him that. That's ridiculous.

Snuffles You're being very aggressive, Jerry. Perhaps tomorrow Dr. Scraps will solve that problem with a bit of surgery.

Another dog comes out with a pair of mayo scissors

Jerry Huh! You think you can control me with a haircut?

Scene cuts back to the dream realm. cary Terry is going back home to his family.

Scary Melissa Hi, honey. You're home early. How was your day?

Scary Terry I don't want to talk about it!

Scary Melissa Oh, of course! You never want to talk about it!

Scary Terry Get off my back, bitch!

Scary Brandon, the baby, starts crying

Scary Melissa Out there. Not in here!

Scary Terry Yeah, I know, I know. I shouldn't take my anger out on you or Scary Brandon. I love you, Melissa.

Scary Melissa I love you, too, Terry.

Rick and Morty are watching from outside the window

Rick Morty, this is perfect. After a little scary coitus, they should be fast asleep and then we'll incept him.

Rick and Morty go into the Terry's room, when Terry and Melissa are fast asleep

Rick Looks like scary Terry's having a nightmare.

Morty Oh, boy, Rick. I can only imagine what horrible things must, you know scare Scary Terry.

Rick and Morty incept his dream and he's having a school related dream

Scary Terry Oh, no! I'm late to class, bitch! Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants!

Scary Terry goes to class

Monster Teacher Ah, well, Mr. Terry, why don't you tell the whole class the proper wordplay to use when one is chasing one's victim through a pumpkin patch?

Scary Terry Oh, uh, um ... "Bitch."

The class laughs at him

Monster Teacher: Oh, come on, Terry, you can't think of a pun involving pumpkins, bitch? Morty Hey, leave him alone!

Rick Yeah, this is a bunch of bullcrap. Who cares what stupid pun you make when you kill someone? Why don't you let the poor guy say whatever he wants?

Monster Teacher Well, I never! I-I see no reason to stand here and take this.

Rick You're putting too much pressure on yourself, scary Terry. You know, I mean, y-you're perfectly scary enough as it is.

Morty Hey, yo, scary T., don't even trip about your pants dawg. Here's a pair on us, fool.

Scary Terry Aww, bitch. I don't know what to say.

Morty You don't need to say anything. We got you, dawg.

Rick You're our boy, dawg. Don't even trip.

Scary Terry wakes up from his dream and sees Rick and Morty

Scary Terry Oh, hey, it's you guys!

That morning, Rick, Morty, and the Terry family are having breakfast in the kitchen

Scary Melissa I haven't seen him this relaxed in years.

Scary Terry If you guys ever need anything, just say the word.

Rick As a matter of fact, Terry, there is something you could help us with.

Rick, Morty, and Terry escape the dream and confront the little girl

Little Girl ' "Q," "r," you won't get very far.

Scary Terry I always hated that song!

Scary Terry kills the little girl and then goes on to the centaur

Scary Terry These halves don't belong together, bitch!

Scary Tells kills the centaur and moves onto Mrs. Pancakes

Scary Terry Sex is sacred!

Scary Terry kills Mrs. Pancakes and launches himself at Mr. Goldensfold

Scary Terry This is because you don't give Morty Smith good grades, bitch!

Scary Terry destroys Mr. Goldenfold, causing him to wake up from his dream, in shock

Mr. Goldenfold Holy crap! God damn! I know one thing for sure I'm giving Morty an "A" in math, and that's my idea. That is an original thought.

Rick and Morty fist bump behind the couch

Morty What the hell?

Rick Out of the frying pan dot, dot, dot, huh, Morty?

Morty Oh, man, what's going on?

Rick Well, it's possible that your dog became self-aware and made modifications on the cognition amplifier, then turned on Jerry, Beth, and Summer after learning about humanity's cruel subjugation of his species, but your guess is as good as mine, Morty.

Jerry I can't believe how mean snuffles got just because he's smart.

Summer This is why I choose to get C's.

Rick Psst, Beth, Jerry, Summer.

Morty - Dad! - Rick! - Oh, thank God, Morty. - Oh, you're welcome. All right, let's get out of here.

Rick If we hurry we can set up camp in a sewer tunnel or something before the dogs completely take over.

Jerry Whoa, whoa, whoa. We're not going anywhere. This is my house. I'm not abandoning it.

Rick It's all over, Jerry. The dogs are on a path to total world domination. But, hey, at least they know not to piss on your carpet, right?

Jerry Wait a minute. I have an idea. Gentlemen, a moment of your time. Jerry pees on a pile of guns See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them.

Snuffles Bad person. Bad.

Rick Ooh, great plan, Jerry.

Snuffles Bring the boy to me. You were always kind to me, Morty. That's why I will leave you with your testicles. From now on, you will be my best friend and live by my side.

Morty Th-thanks, snuffles.

Snuffles Begin phase two.

The military can be seen on TV fighting the dogs

Reporter Fighting continues as the dog army captures the eastern seaboard. It appears clear at this time that the era of human superiority has come to a bitter end. Two dogs come into the news room with a muzzlePlease! Please don't kill me!

Dog 1 What's she saying, Bill?

Bill I think she's saying, "I love lasagna.

Morty is in a bed with two naked girls, and a dog brings him refreshments

Morty Mmm. Thank you, Fido. Rick! I thought you were dead!

Rick No, no, no, I was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon.

Morty What?

Rick It's a dream, Morty. We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we all went to sleep. Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside snuffles' dream.

Morty But I-it's been like a whole year!

Rick It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like "Inception," Morty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie.

Morty Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants.

Rick No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Morty. You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know, is that you crapped your pants. I mean, it's a mess out there. I got some on my hands, Morty, and then I got it on the dream inceptor, and a piece fell in my mouth.

Morty Aw, man, geez! Seriously?

Rick Look, d-d-d-don't worry about it, Morty. Here, here take these, Morty. Take these.

Morty Are these pills supposed to wake me up, or something?

Rick Close. It's gonna make your kidneys shut down.

Morty What?!

Rick It's necessary for the plan, Morty. Don't even trip, dawg.

Snuffles and a few other dogs, Rick also dressed up as one, stand around Morty, who looks close to death on his medical table

Dr. Dog It's pretty bad, emperor snowball. We're gonna need to do another operation.

Snuffles Anything. Anything for my precious Morty.

Accountant Dog Sir, as your accountant, I must advise you that these medical expenses are putting you in serious financial jeopardy. You could lose your kingdom.

Snuffles To hell with my kingdom, bean counter. I would trade it all for my human's health and happiness.

Accountant Dog Do you think they would have done this for us?

Snuffles We are not them! We are not them. Snuffles wakes up from the dream Assemble the troops. I've made a decision.

Outside where the dogs are seen portaling to another world

Snuffles Taking over the human's world will lead to nothing but more heartbreak, more cruelty. Instead, we will go to a new world and colonize it with a society of intelligent dogs, one that will not make the same mistakes as humanity and one where pet insurance will be mandatory.

Morty I'm gonna miss you, snowball.

Snuffles You can call me snuffles, Morty, and I'm going to miss you, too, very much.

Snuffles portals away, Jerry starts tearing up

Beth Jerry?

Jerry I'm sorry. It's just like the end of "Old Yeller.

Beth Oh, Jerry. You mean because it had dogs in it.

Morty Wow! A whole world populated by intelligent dogs. I wonder what it'll be like, Rick.

Rick I think it will be great, Morty. You know it could be developed in-into a very satisfying project for people of all ages. I mean, I'd watch it, Morty, for at least 11 minutes a pop. You know, may-maybe they'll do it board-driven.

Morty You know, that's a real comforting idea, Rick.

Rick What do you know, Morty? What do you know?

After credits. Rick and Scary Terry are in Terry's dream in a classroom

Scary Glenn Hi, guys. I'm your new teacher for scary class. My name is scary Mr. Johnson. Uh, actually, you know what? That's my dad's name, so why don't you just call me scary Glenn, yeah? So, anyway, I understand your previous teacher was having you work on fundamentals of fear. Which is what is that? You know? So, uh, here here's what I say you can't learn anything until you learn how to chill.

Rick Oooh! This is how you dream, bitch. Terry and Rick are getting stoned

Lawnmower Man1975

Rick Potion #9

Author(s): Justin Roiland

Transcriber/Editor(s): A. Hall

Date Aired: 2015-09-07

Reference Name(s): Love Potion #9

Reference Date(s): 1992

Open ext. Harry Herpson High School Trans. int. Harry Herpson High School hallway Morty is standing at his locker.

Principal Vagina over the intercom, while the students talk Principal Vagina here, don't let the name fool you, I'm very much in charge, reminding you that tonight is our annual flu season dance. I don't know how many times I have to say this but if you have the flu, stay home, the flu season dance is about awareness, not celebration. You don't bring dead babies to Passover.

Morty watches Jessica with her friends at a nearby locker

Jessica's friend to Jessica Hey.

Morty Ohhh. Okay, here we go. walks over to Jessica and her friends Nervously H-Heyy Jessica, ughh.

Jessica What's up Morty? sneezes

Morty Ugghh

Brad butts in What are you doing?

Morty Ummm

Brad Wait, wait, Were you about to talk... to her?

Morty Well, I mean, I was thinking about it.

Brad Dude, Stay in your league! Look at how hot she is! You don't see me going to a bigger school, in a wealthier district and hittin' on their prettiest girl!

Jessica sarcastically Gee, thanks, Brad.

Jessica and Brad walk away

Brad I throw balls far. You want good words, date a languager.

Morty stands at the locker alone and looks down in disappointment Trans. ext. The Smith's house Trans. int. The Smith's kitchen Jerry is making a sandwich and talking to Morty at the counter

Jerry Eh, Try not to worry about it, Morty. You're a good kid, and there's not a premium on that right now, but you'll be getting girls sometime after Brad's out of shape.

Morty Plays with a cookie in sadness You're missing the point, Dad. I don't want girls, I want Jessica!

Jerry Ahhh, well, gets another jar of sauce out of the cupboard I remember feeling that way about a young lady named your mom, and that's not an urban dis, your mom was my Jessica. I remember the first time I saw her, I thought...

Rick enters and interrupts Jerry I should get her pregnant, then she'll have to marry me. grabs a glass from a cupboard

Jerry I beg your pardon, Rick, INAPPROPRIATE. points to Morty

Rick grabs ice from out of the freezer sarcastically Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. gets juice out of the refrigerator I'm not sure you want to take romantic advice from this guy, Morty, his marriage is hanging from a thread.

Jerry Angrily My marriage is fine, thank you.

Rick walks towards Jerry

Rick Jerry, it's your house, whatever you say it is is how it is, pours juice into the glass but I think a blind man could see that Beth is looking for the door. I barely have a reason to care and even I noticed.

Morty Come on, Rick, don't talk about my parents like that.

Rick walks around counter, to Morty

Rick Listen, Morty, I hate to break it to you, but what people call "love" is a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. It hits hard, Morty, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it, your parents are gonna do it. Break the cycle, Morty. Rise above. Focus on science. exits room, drinking juice

Jerry walks next to Morty

Morty In woe Alright, well, I'm gonna go get dressed for the dance. exits kitchen

Jerry Yeah, I'm just going to...check on your mom. exits opposite direction

Trans. ext. The Smith's house Trans. int. The Smith's garage Rick is working on a machine, on his desk, as Morty enters, in his suit

Rick With his back to Morty Morty, hand me that screwdriver, huh? Morty closes door I'm almost finished making my ionic defibulizer, Morty. It's gonna be great.

Morty Hey, listen, Rick. You know how you said that, you know... love is a chemical and all that stuff from earlier? walks to Rick at his desk Well, I was thinkn', you know, www... could you make some sort of chemical thing happen inside of Jessica's mind, you know, so where she falls in love with me and all that sort of thing, you know, like maybe make some sort of love potion or something?

Rick Morty, that's such a poor use of my time, it's beneath me. Hand me the screwdriver. points to the shelf

Morty Angrily YOU KNOW WHAT, NO RICK! I'M NOT GONNA HAND YOU THE SCREWDRIVER! Uh, I'm never gonna hand you anything ever again, Rick. Rick gets up and grabs a box of supplies from the shelf I'm always helping you with this and that and the other thing. Www...what about me, Rick? Www... why can't you just help me out once, once, for once?

Rick sighs You're growing up fast, Morty. You're growing into a real big thorn straight up into my ass! grabs some test tubes with yellow liquid and holds one up Listen, this is called oxytocin. I extracted it from a vole. You know what a VOLE is, Morty, you know what a vole is?

Morty shakes his head as Rick walks away from the shelf

Rick It's a, it's a rodent that mates for life, Morty. This is the chemical release in the mammal's brain, sets down the box of objects, opens a hatch in a machine, and pours the oxytocin in ...that makes it fall in love. Alright Morty, I just gotta burps combine it with some of your DNA.

Morty Oh well, okay... zips down his fly

Rick A hair, Morty, I need one of your hairs! This isn't Game Of Thrones. plucks hair from Morty's head

Morty Oww!

Rick drops the hair in the machine and closes the hatch The machine vibrates and makes noises, then pours an orange liquid into a conical flask, much like a coffee machine

Rick grabs the flask containing the orange liquid Alright, Morty, whoever you smear this stuff on will fall in love with you, and only you, forever. Ya happy now, Morty?

Rick hands the potion to Morty, and walks away

Morty Heck yeah! Thank you, Grandpa Rick! walks to the door, but thinks about it and looks back Hey there's no dangers or anything or side effects, right?

Rick Www.. what am I, a hack?! Go nuts, Morty, it's full proof.

Morty leaves the garage as Rick works on the ionic defibulizer some more

Rick Ugh, unless she has the flu. shrugs it off

suspense music Trans Beth and Jerry's room Beth is typing on the computer, while Jerry is sadly sitting on their bed

Jerry Beth, do you still love me?

Beth sighs Want kinda question is that?

Jerry The "yes" or "no" kind. weak laugh of obviousness

Beth Jerry, do you want homeless people to have homes?

Jerry Yess.

Beth Are you gonna build them?

Jerry Noo.

Beth Then what good was the "yes"?

Jerry walks to Beth at the computer confused Wait, iii... is loving me the house or the homeless people?

Beth Turns around to Jerry Irritated Loving you is work, Jerry, hard work, like building a homeless shelter. Nobody want to say "no" to doing it, but some people put the work in. So what do ya say? Do you see me working here? Does this conversation seem tedious to me?

Jerry Sort of.

Beth But I obviously sort of love you, don't I? alert on Beth's phone So stop asking and maybe I'll love you more. looks at her phone Crap, They need me at the horse hospital.

Beth gets up and grabs her jacket at the door

Jerry This late?

Beth puts on her jacket The racetrack had a starlit derby, there's a seven horse collision, and Davin's there alone. leaves the room, leaving Jerry alone

Jerry In his head Progressively angrier Davin, Davin, Davin, Davin, Davin, Davin, Davin, Davin

Trans. ext. Herry Herpson High School, Gymnasium entrance Dressed up students walk inside in pairs, a large banner reads "FLU SEASON DANCE" over the doors Trans int. Flu Season Dance inside Gymnasium Morty happily walks passed many students eating and dancing, a band plays Flu Hatin' Rap in the background

Band Vocalist / MC Haps Background Flu. Yo, you gotta be aware. Aware about the flu, up in the air. Imma get me a shot and make the flu go away. Flu hatin' rappers just rappin' away. Yo. Yo. Flu hatin' rapper. It's a flu hatin' rap....This is about flu awareness. Gotta be aware of the flu in the airness. Yo, I'm a flu hatin' rapper. My name is MC Haaaaaaaaaaps- Haps Yeah, I'm MC Haps, I'm a flu hatin' rapper, yo......

Morty sees Jessica and her friends, he takes out a vial of the potion and pours it onto his hand, he then approaches them

Morty Hey there, Jessica. Pretends to trip, wiping the potion on Jessica's arm Whooa-whoopsie!

Jessica turns around and becomes infected, falling in love with Morty

Jessica infected Omigod, Morty. You look REALLY nice tonight.

Morty WOW, thanks!

Jessica pulls Morty close to her breasts

Jessica infected I love you, Morty. I love you so much it burns!

Morty Oh man. I love you too, Jessica! Brad walks passed with a drink, he overhears

Brad outraged spits Is this punk bothering you, Jessica?shoves Morty


Jessica sneezes infected bacteria into Brad's mouth You can more promptly hear the band's rap as the green spheres of bacteria spread throughout Brad's body, through his blood and nerves

Brad infected Aw man, Morty, ugh, I'm really sorry.

Morty Oh, well, no problem Brad.

Brad hugs Morty infected There's somethin' special bout you, somethin' special. squeezes Morty's butt and back

Morty pushes Brad away Whoa, take it easy!

Jessica grabs Morty's left arm infected GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF HIM!

Brad grabs Morty's right arm infected BACK OFF I'M TRYING TO BE WITH MY MAN!

Brad and Jessica quarrel over Morty

Principal Vagina Stops the fight, pulling Brad back, aided with Mr. Goldenfold That's enough Bradley. We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm.

Principal Vagina and Mr. Goldenfold drag Brad away

Brad disappointment infected Oh, Principal Vagina.

Jessica takes Morty away, grasping his head

Jessica infected Never leave me, Morty, NEVER.

Morty and Jessica hold each other Nearby students begin to watch

Morty confused Uh, sure. I mean, of course not. What do you think that was all about?

Jessica infected Who cares? Just hold me.

Trans. Principal Vagina and Mr. Goldenfold dragging distraught Brad outside of the gym

Brad infected LET ME GO!!! I LOVE YOU MORTY! sneeze, sneeze exits the gym

Brad sneezes infected bacteria into a nearby punch bowl, then again into a vent suspenseful music Love Potion #91992

Raising Gazorpazorp

Author(s): Justin Roiland

Transcriber/Editor(s): A. Hall

Date Aired: 2015

Reference Name(s): Raising Arizona

Reference Date(s): 1987

There is no available script for this episode.

Raising Arizona1987

Meeseeks and Destroy

Author(s): Justin Roiland

Transcriber/Editor(s): A. Hall

Date Aired: 2015-09-04

Reference Name(s): Seek and Destroy

Reference Date(s): 1982

Open Ext. Damaged space station, likely in another dimension The sky is purple and tumultuous as the sounds of Rick and Morty running and panting are heard. Trans. Int. Space station Rick and Morty run through the abandoned station, pursued by evil clones of Jerry, Beth, and Summer.

Rick Run!

Jerry, Beth, and Summer incoherent zombie noises

The three clones tackle Rick, knocking a device from his hand. Morty stands by, unsure of what to do.

Rick Morty, do it! Hit the button now!

Morty I can't do it, Rick! They're my parents and sister!

Rick holding off the clones Morty, I already told you, it's not your family! They're clones from an alternate reality possessed by demonic alien spirits from another dimension's future! Do you need a mnemonic device or something? Just hit the button already!

Beth's clone leaves Rick and approaches Morty, panting viciously until she gets close, and she seemingly becomes her normal self again.

Beth Morty, please. I love you, sweetheart.

Morty Ohhhh...

Morty hesitates a second longer before darting past Beth. He glances up at the clones, then covers his eyes as he hits a button on the wall, creating an energy field that destroys the clones, whose faces seem to melt. Morty watches, horrified. As soon as they're gone, Rick jumps to his feet and grabs the device that absorbed the spirits, apparently unbothered by the entire event.

Rick Good work, Morty.

He creates a portal and jumps through. Trans. Garage Rick and Morty leap through the other end of the portal back to the Smith residence.

Rick holding up the device and smiling Y-You know, these demonic alien spirits are really valuable!

Screen pans out to show that Morty is vomiting in the corner. Rick glances at him and puts the box away.

Rick You okay, Morty? Told you not to trust that tuna.

Morty I just killed my family! I don't care what they were!

Rick I dunno, Morty. Some people would pay top dollar for that kinda breakthrough.

Morty Y-You know what, Rick? That's it! I-I'm done with these...insane adventures! That was really traumatizing! I quit! I'm out!

Morty turns and starts to walk out of the garage.

Rick Whoa whoa whoa, grabs Morty's shoulder, stopping him come on, Morty! D-D-Don't be like that! The universe is a crazy and chaotic place!

Morty pushes Rick's hands away You're the one that's crazy and chaotic! Adventures are supposed to be simple! And fun!

Rick Oh yeah, Morty. Yeah, t-t-that- that's real easy to say from the sidekick position. But—But, uh, h-how about next time you be in charge, then we'll talk about how simple and fun it is.

Morty suddenly excited Seriously Rick?! Y-You'll let me call the shots?

Rick Okay, fine. But let's make it interesting, Morty. I-I-If your adventure sucks, and we bail halfway through it, you lose the right to bitch about all future adventures. Plus, you have to do my laundry for a month.

Morty Okay, all right, tough guy! But if my adventure's good... I get to be in charge of every third adventure!

Rick Every 10th.

Morty Deal. All right. Well, come on, let's get going.

Beth Dad, the dishwasher's doing that thing again.

Rick Washing dishes?

Beth No. The opposite. Can you fix it?

Summer Grandpa Rick, can you help me with my science homework?

Rick Yeah just don't do it.

Summer Grandpa!

Jerry Hey, Rick, you got some kind of hand-shaped device that can open this mayonnaise jar?

Rick Wow. Hat trick. All right, Morty, let's put a pin in this. I got to help your pathetic family.

Morty Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say. Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk.

Rick Oh, Morty, you done did it this time. It's on. I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart. As for you dingdongs... This is a Meeseeks box. Let me show you how it works. You press this.

meeseeks spawns

Meeseeks I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me!

Rick You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar.

Meeseeks Yes, siree!

Meeseeks grabs mayonnaise jar as rick explains.

Rick The Meeseeks fulfills the request.

Meeseeks opens jar and hands to jerry.

Meeseeks All done!

Jerry amazed Wow!

Rick And then it stops existing.

Meeseek vanishes into particles in air.

Summer Oh, my God, he exploded!

Rick Trust me, they're fine with it. Knock yourselves out just keep your requests simple. They're not gods.

Morty All right! Get out of here now! Everybody out of here! I got a bet to win!

Beth, Jerry and Summer in the livingroom

Beth So many possibilities.

Summer My mind is racing.

Jerry If we're gonna use this thing, which I'm not even sure we should, we need to keep it simple.

Summer spawns a meeseek

Meeseeks I'm Mr. Meeseeks!

Summer I want to be popular at school!

Meeseeks Ooh, okay!

Jerry Summer, what did I just-

Beth spawns a meeseek

Meeseeks 2 Ooh, I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me!

Beth I want I want to be a more complete woman!

Jerry Beth!

Meeseeks 2 Oh, yeah! Yes, ma'am!

Jerry You guys are doing it wrong. He said "simple."

Jerry spawns a meeseeks

Meeseeks 3 Hey, there. I'm Mr. Meeseeks!

Jerry Mr. Meeseeks, I would like to take two strokes off my golf game.

Meeseeks 3 Ooh, yeah! Can do!

Jerry Nailed it.

Cut to Rick and Morty in a poor village somewhere in the universe. It looks like a place from the 1700's

Rick God, Morty, what a boring start to an adventure. Why didn't we just go to Kentucky?

Morty Rick, this is a fantasy-type world with creatures and all sorts of fantasy things. We're going on a quest, okay?

Rick Can't wait.

Morty stands on something tall to speak to the people

Morty Ahem. Excuse me! We are two humble heroes in search of adventure!

Rick Oh, my God, so embarrassing.

Villager man At last! Two heroes! You must help us! This village is terribly poor, yet the giant that lives in the clouds above has untold treasures!

Morty You know what? I accept your call to adventure, good sir, kind sir. Come on, Rick. There's a giant in the clouds!

Rick Yeah. Beginner's luck.

Cut to Meeseeks 1 speaking to the students of Summer's school in the gym

Meeseeks 1 In conclusion, a friendship with Summer Smith is the most valuable and enriching experience of your young lives. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Thank you!

Principal Gene V. Uh, Mr. Meeseeks, was it? Yeah. Gene Vagina. Listen, I'm in a bit of custody thing with my ex and was wondering- Meeseeks 1 stops existing- No, I'll get your info from Summer.

Cut to Beth and Meeseeks 2 at a restaurant sitting outside

Beth I got pregnant at 17. I mean, I still put myself through veterinary school. Yes, I'm successful, but what if I hadn't...-Meeseeks 2 stares attentively- I'm just saying, somewhere along the way, I lost that wide-eyed girl from muskegon.

Meeseeks 2 She's still there, Beth.

Beth Well, her waistline isn't.

Meeseeks 2 Beth, having a family doesn't mean that you stop being an individual. You know the best thing you can do for people that depend on you? Be honest with them, even if it means setting them free.

Beth You're saying I should leave Jerry. Beth starts to cry I can't believe I'm finally having this conversation.

Meeseeks 2 stops existing as Beth leans in to kiss him

Waiter man More wine?

Beth I think I've had enough.

Cut to Jerry at a golf course with Meeseeks 3

Meeseeks 3 Remember to square your shoulders, Jerry.

Jerry Yeah, yeah. I got it.

Jerry misses the ball completely

Meeseeks 3 That's okay. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Try again and keep your head down.

Jerry Okay, well, which is it? Square my shoulders or keep my head down?

Meeseeks 3 Well, it's both. But most importantly, you got to relax.

Jerry You know what, Mr. Meeseeks? I don't think this is working. I give up.

Meeseeks 3 I'm sorry, Jerry, but it doesn't work like that. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. I have to fulfill my purpose so I can go away. Look at me.

Jerry Well, make yourself comfortable, because I suck.

Meeseeks 3 No, Jerry, I'm the one who SUCKS! Let me try something.

Meeseeks 3 spawns in another Meeseek

Meeseeks 4 I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me!

Meeseeks 3 Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me.

Meeseeks 4 Hi!

Meeseeks 3 Can you help me get two strokes off of Jerry's golf swing?

Meeseeks 4 Can do! I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Is he keeping his shoulders squared?

Meeseeks 3 Ooh, he's trying!

Cut to Rick and Morty on a table in a giant building

Rick All right, Morty. We're in your stupid giant's castle. What do we do next?

Morty Would you just relax, Rick? All we got to do is find the treasure room, okay? It's nice and simple. You know, I'm sorry everything's going so smoothly and adventurously.

A giant can be heard walking down the hall

Rick sarcasticUh-oh, Morty. Startin' to get a little hairy. What do you want to do, boss?

Morty Come on, hurry. Behind this cookie jar.

Giant Fee! Fi! Fo! Fum!

Rick Just give up, Morty. This is game over. I'll take us home right now. You just say the word.

Morty No way, Rick. This is all part of it. Adventures have conflict. Deal with it.

Giant I smell the blood of- whoop!the giant falls and cracks his head open on the table corner before hitting the ground

Morty Holy crap.

Rick Oh, boy. He looks pretty bad down there, Morty. Looks like he's bleeding out.

A giant woman walks in holding a baby

Giant woman Oh, Jesus! Dale! You sons of bitches! Oh, man. Hello, 911? My husband has been attacked by tiny people! He's dying!

Cut to Rick and Morty at a giant jail and getting mug shots

Detective Hey, look, we get it. You're little, you're down on your luck, you think, "hey, he's a giant. Why don't we break into his home, rob him, and murder him?"

Morty Th-th but that's not how it went down!

Detective Oh, well, it's going down like that. You're both going down like that.

Rick Ooh, boy, Morty, you're really showing me how it's done. Real straightforward and fun.

Cut to the Smith dinning room and living room where Jerry is still frustrated, while Summer and Beth look much happier

Summer Like, letting go of the need to be popular is what makes people like you.

Beth The most important love you can receive is from yourself.

Several meeseeks now fill the livingroom, trying to help

Meeseek Okay, Jerry, you got to just choke up on the club!

Jerry Well, which is it, choke up or follow-through?!

Meeseek Aww, come on, Jerry, we've been over this. You know you got to do both! This is as frustrating for us as it is for you.

Jerry Don't tell me that! That just puts pressure on me!

Meeseek Just try to relax.

Jerry You try to relax! Have you ever tried to relax?! It is a paradox! Jerry walks to the dinning room Ugh, these Meeseeks, huh? Kind of a handful. I can't imagine what you two must be going through.

Beth Our Meeseeks have been gone for hours, Jerry.

Jerry You're kidding me.

Beth Notice anything different?

Jerry I'm sorry. Hours?

Summer Dad, mom is a beautiful woman! Look at her! You will lose her!

Meeseek Uhh... Hey, Jerry, you mind if we get back to the task at hand? Meeseeks don't usually have to exist this long. It's getting weird.

Cut to Rick and Morty in a giant courthouse

Judge Order in the court! Before the jury reaches its verdict, I just want to say that I consider you both very guilty.

Rick sarcasticOh, great adventure, buddy. Rick and Morty go to giant prison. You know, if somebody drops the soap, it's gonna land on our heads and crush our spines, Morty. You know, it'll be really easy to rape us after that.

Morty We're gonna be okay, Rick.

Rick How? They took my portal gun. This is an open-and-shut case, Morty. You know, what do you think's gonna happen, some magical angel's gonna show up and then-the court doors burst open and a giant in a suit walks down the isle.

Giant Lawyer Fee! Fi! Fo! Fum! I smell the violation of civil liberties! Your honor, I'm from a tiny-persons advocacy group and I have here in my hand a motion to dismiss. These little men were never read their giant rights and are therefore free-fi to fo-home.

Murmers of confusion spread throughout the court

Rick W-what the hell is he talking about?

Giant Lawyer They're free to go, is what I meant. I'm deconstructing our our our thing we say. We're giants. Nobody got that? Whatever.

Morty Oh, man, what did I tell you, Rick? We did it!

Rick and Morty appear outside the courthouse

Rick All right, Morty, looks like the portal gun's still working. You ready to head home?

Morty Oh, yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you, Rick? Well, you know what? We're not bailing out just yet. You know, we're gonna go find some treasure or something and and we're gonna bring it to those villagers.

Rick Morty, cut your losses. This is obviously awash.

Morty Yeah, you were saying that back when we first got arrested, but here we are, you know, walking down the courthouse steps.

They look down the stairs and see that each step is as tall as a large building. The stairs seem to go on forever

Rick Oh, boy, Morty.

Morty Usually, walking down the courthouse steps is the easy part of the adventure.

Rick What do you say, Morty?

Morty I say give me a hand, sidekick.

Cut to the Smith livingroom. Dozens of meeseeks fill the room whinning, groaning and desperatly trying to help Jerry.

Jerry Everybody shut up! Let me try! Jerry swings and misses again Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!

Beth I'm going out.

Jerry Wait. What?

Beth Well, you're busy. I'm hungry. I thought I'd go out. Do you want me to be happy or do you want me to be in prison?

Jerry Whoa, whoa, where in the hell is, I'll take you to dinner.

All the Meeseeks AWWWWWWW!

Jerry Hey, you know what? It's hard being me, too. I'll be right there. Look, I've got a marriage to keep together. At this point, my golf swing is more your problem than mine.

Exit Beth and Jerry

Meeseek I can't take it anymore. I just want to die!

Meeseek (diff) We all want to die! We're Meeseeks! Why did you even rope me into this?

Meeseek (diff) 'Cause he roped me into this!

Meeseek (diff) Well, him over there, he roped me into this!

Meeseek (diff) Well, he roped me into this!

Meeseek (diff) Well, what about me? He roped me into this.

Meeseek (diff) Well, that one over there roped me into this.

Meeseek (diff) Well, he roped me into this.

Cut to Rick and Morty climbing down a step like it's a mountian

Rick Yeah, Morty, this is the part of the story everybody loves scaling down 650,000 oversized steps.

Morty All right, okay, you know, if this was a story, this part wouldn't be included, stupid. They see an opening in one of the steps Hey, Rick, what do you know? Look down there. Looks like some kind of tavern or something built right into the side of the step.

Rick and Morty appear in the tavern

Morty Oh, wow, Rick. Now, this is more like it. Look, there's little staircase-shaped people in here. All kinds of crazy characters. This place is great, you know? It's whimsical and fun.

Rick sees a creature staring at him

Rick What are you looking at, mother-

Morty Easy, Rick.

A strange looking waitress with large boobs greets them at their table

Waitress Pay them no mind. Those stair goblins can be moody. Now, what can I getcha? We've got skarlog poppies, flurlow, halzingers, bloogies, juicy time babies.

Rick Yeah, yeah, yeah, how about some scotch whiskey? You got any of that around here? Or just a bunch of nonsense words?

Morty Rick... We'll have two bloogies, please. And, uh, we were wondering, is there a faster way two heroes could get down these stairs?

Slippery Y'all need to ride down the stairs? My name is slippely-slippery stair. I'll take you down there for 25 shmeckels.

Rick 25 shmeckels? I don't know how much I don't know what that is. Is that a lot? Is it a little?

Waitress That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies.

Mr. Booby Buyer Hi, I'm Mr. Booby Buyer. I'll buy those boobies for 25 shmeckels.

Waitess It's a tempting offer, but I'm gonna have to decline.

Mr. Booby Buyer Rats! What a shame.

Rick Morty, your adventure's in a spiral. For real, man, time to pull out.

Morty You keep heckling my adventure, Rick! You know why?

Rick Uh, because it's lame?

Morty It's because you're petty! You know, how many times have I had to follow you into some nonsensical bull crap? I always roll with the punches, Rick. Why can't you? Look, I got to take a leak, and when I come back, if you haven't learned how to lighten up, don't be here!

Rick Whatever.

Cut to the Smith livingroom with all the Meeseeks

Meeseek It's become clear-look at me- that if we concentrate all our efforts on Jerry's follow-through, we will solve this problem. I'm Mr. Meeseeks.

Meeseeks * I'm Mr. Meeseeks. Look at me. The only thing that's clear is that choking up is the one true solution.

Meeseeks 3 Look at me. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. I've been trying to help Jerry for two days, an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked. I fear the worst.

Meeseeks Your failures are your own, old man. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. I say follow-through! Who's with me?! Follow-through!

A Meeseek spawns in another Meeseek

New Meeseek I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me!

Meeseek Kill him!

New Meeseek Hisssss! He attacks another meeseek

Cut to Morty in the bathroom

Mr. Jelly Bean How are you today? I'm Mr. Jelly Bean!

Morty Hi, Mr. Jelly Bean. I'm Morty. My grandpa and I are on an adventure.

Mr. Jelly Bean Nice. Is it a fun adventure?

Morty I hope so. But I'm starting to get nervous that maybe it's gone a little too far off the rails.

Mr. Jelly Bean Well, isn't that what adventures do?

Morty Hey, you know what? You're right. Everything's going fine. I just got to relax and go with the flow.

Mr. Jelly Bean Yeah. He rubs Morty's sholders

Morty Okay. Uh. B-bye.

Mr. Jelly Bean Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow!

Morty Stop. You're making me really uncomfortable.

Mr. Jelly Bean clearly wants to rape Morty

Mr. Jelly Bean aggresiveStop fighting me! Just let this happen!

Morty Get off of me!

MUSIC: Sweet home Alabama The fighting makes it to a stall

Morty Whoo! No! Stop! Please!

Mr. Jelly Bean Stop being such a tease, you sweet little-

Morty No! No!

Morty gets the upper hand and, in a frenzied attack, slams the toilet seat on Mr. Jelly Bean's head until he is knocked out Back at the Smith house even more Meeseeks have spawned and a full out battle has started. However, even the badly hurt Meeseeks cannot die because the have not completed their task

Meeseek Everybody sto-o-o-p! Look at me! My brothers, nothing will be accomplished by shedding Meeseeks blood. None of us can die until our job is done.

Meeseek (diff) The job can't be done! We'll never get two strokes off his game!

Meeseek No, we won't. But we will get all strokes off his game.

All other Meeseeks Where's he going with this? What's he mean?

Meeseek When we kill him!

Loud hooting and joy from the meeseeks crowd Cut to Jerry and Beth at dinner

Beth Jerry, maybe it's time I take that trip I always talk about.

Jerry Where would you go?

Beth I don't know, man. Italy. Greece. Argentina.

Jerry Countries known for their sexually aggressive men. Did I tell you how much I love your new haircut?

A loud noise is heard and the glass window breaks with a hoard of Meeseeks angrily storming in

Jerry What the heck?

Meeseek There he is!

Beth Run, Jerry!

Beth and Jerry lock themselves in a freezer with a small window in the door

Meeseek Come on out, Jerry!

Jerry Guys, I'll choke up. I'll follow through. I'll do whatever you tell me to do, okay?

Meeseek Oh, we're well past that, Jerry.

Cut to Rick at a card table with some other characters

Card Player Come on, Rick, quit stalling. What do ya got?

Rick Read 'em and weep, fellas! Morty comes back Oh, hey, Morty. Listen, I'm really sorry about all that stuff I said earlier about your adventure. I'm havin' a good time, Morty. It's not so bad.

Morty very stressedLet's just go home, okay? I'm calling it. The adventure's over.

Rick We can't leave now, Morty. I'm on fire!

Morty Look, I want to leave now. You win the bet, okay? Just give me the portal gun and let's go, please. Please, I just want to go home.

Rick sees the badly beaten Mr. Jelly Bean walk out of the bathroom and pieces together what happened

Rick Okay. Listen, Morty. I just won a bunch of shmeckels. Why don't we use 25 of them to pay slippery stair here for a ride back to the village, and then we'll give the rest of the shmeckels to the villagers, huh?

Morty Really?

Rick Sure, Morty. Yeah. You know, a good adventure needs a good ending.

Outside on the steps

Slippery Buckle up! He starts to take them down

Cut back to the freezer

Meeseek Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry! We are created to serve a singular purpose for which we will go to any lengths to fulfill! Existence is pain to a Meeseeks, Jerry. And we will do anything to alleviate that pain. Just ask... Meeseek grabs a woman Aah! ...what's your name, ma'am?

Woman Samantha. Please, mister! Give him what he wants!

Jerry Innocent people are going to die because of me. Why am I so mediocre?

Beth takes a stand, tears a pipe off of a rack, and grabs Jerry off the ground

Beth Jerry, turn around. Straighten your back. Bend your knees. Bend them. Square your shoulders. Take a deep breath. I love you.

Meeseek I'm counting to three, Jerry.

Jerry, using the pipe, hits a garlic clove into a pot

Samantha What the f-- is going on?

All Meeseeks He's got it! That's a lower handicap stro-o-ke!

All the Meeseeks stop existing except 1

Meeseeks Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game?

Samantha Oh, my God, oh, my God! What about your short game?!

Jerry puts some more garlic into a cup

Meeseek Ooh, nice! Stops existing

Jerry I think we'll take our food to go.

Owner No, you won't. The police are coming. You have so many questions to answer.

Jerry Fair enough.

Rick and Morty return to the village in triumph

The First Villager Thank you, kind sir. Our village is saved! You are both true heroes!

Rick Good job, Morty. Looks like you won the bet.

Morty Thanks, Rick, but I don't know if I should. You know, you were right about the universe. It's a crazy and chaotic place.

Rick Well, you know, maybe that's why it could use a little cleaning up every now and then, you know. This one's wrapped up neat and clean because we did it Morty style.

The First Villager Oh! Heroes, we would like to introduce you to our beloved king so that he may thank you personally.

The badly beaten Mr. Jelly Bean is carried to towards them on a thrown

Morty Uh, no, I-it's cool. Rick. Portal. Hurry.

They portal away, but Rick makes another portal back and sticks an energy pistol through it and shoots Mr. Jelly Bean, splattering him all over the screaming villagers Back at the Smith house

Jerry So... You still thinking about taking that trip?

Beth Jerry, look. We don't have a perfect marriage, but I'm not going anywhere. When we were in that freezer, I realized the Meeseeks are like the guys I went to high school with willing to say anything to "complete their task."

Jerry Was I one of those guys?

Beth The difference is you didn't disappear afterwards.

Jerry Well... I got you pregnant.

Beth Yeah...

Rick What the hell happened to this place?

Beth Uh, your Meeseeks box happened. They went crazy when they couldn't take two strokes off Jerry's golf game. He felt terrible.

Rick Hey, it's not my fault that Jerry's an idiot.

Beth Dad!

Jerry Is there anything you can do to clean this place up?

Rick Well, you know, I do have a Fleeseeks box.

Jerry No. No more boxes.

Rick What? It just has a mop and some floor wax in it. Wubba lubba dub dubs! Everyone laughs Yeah! That's my new thing! I'm kind of like what's his name Arsenio. Isn't that it's what Arsenio used to say on his show. Wobble gobba lop bops! Right? See you next week, everybody.

After the end credits at the village

Villager 1 I don't get it.

Villager 2 Sir, I think you're going to want to see this. We found it inside a lockbox inside king Jelly Bean's closet. A box of pictures of many young boys Mr. Jelly Bean molested We have to tell the people.

Villager 1 Wait. Destroy it. They set the box on fire Our people will get more from the idea he represented... than from the jelly bean he actually was.

They stare at a statue of Mr. Jelly Bean standing next to a young boy with his hand on his sholder Seek and Destroy1982

Ricksy Business

Author(s): Justin Roiland

Transcriber/Editor(s): A. Hall

Date Aired: 2015

Reference Name(s): Risky Business

Reference Date(s): 1983

This transcript is not yet available.

Risky Business1983

Close Rick-counters of the Rick Kind

Author(s): Justin Roiland

Transcriber/Editor(s): A. Hall

Date Aired: 2015-09-09

Reference Name(s): Close Encounters of the Third Kind

Reference Date(s): 1977

The Smith family is seen sitting around the table eating breakfast. The viewer at this point doesn't know that this scene is set in a dimension that is not Dimension C-137 with a different Smith family, but this will be apparent at the end of the scene.

Beth So dad, guess what tomorrow is...

Rick Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday.

Beth No... well, it might be...

Rick It is.

Beth Fine, but also, tomorrow is your one year anniversary back in our lives. I'm gonna make you flying saucer-shaped pancakes.

Rick Oh, there's no need to do that, Beth. Regular pancakes are fine.

A portal appears on their wall and Evil Rick and Evil Morty emerge from it carrying a gun and a tranquilizer respectively. Evil Rick shoots Rick in the head and kills him. Evil Morty shoots Morty in the shoulder with his tranquilizer and he passes out. Evil Morty then drags Morty across the breakfast table and he and Evil Rick drag Morty through the portal, and the portal disappears. The family screams in horror the entire time. Opening sequence plays The Smith family is seen sitting around the table eating breakfast. This scene takes place in Dimension C-137

Beth Happy anniversary, dad!

Rick Oh, I get it. Regular pancakes are already shaped like flying saucers. takes bite Mmm, I should be making you breakfast for putting up with me.

Jerry Should be making us a whole restaurant.

Beth Nonsense, we couldn't be happier to have you around. I just wish I got to see more of you.

Three armed Ricks come into the room through a portal

Rick 1 Rick Sanchez of Earth dimension C-137. You are under arrest for crimes against alternate Ricks by the authority of the transdimensional council of Ricks.

Jerry Hey! What the heck?

Rick 1 Neutralise the Jerry.

Jerry Wait, no!

Rick 2 shoots at Jerry, freezing him

Summer Dad!

Beth Dad!

Morty Rick!

Rick (C-137) Everybody relax. If I know these a-holes, and I am these a-holes, they just wanna haul me to their stupid clubhouse and waste my time with a bunch of questions. Let's get it over with.

Rick 1 Bring his mo-belches-orty.

Morty Oh, man.

Rick (C-137) Leave my belches Morty out of this!

Rick 1 You lost the right to have a say in these things when you refused to join belches the council.

Beth Wait, wh-wh-wh-what about Jerry?

Rick (C-137) Will you at least unfreeze my daughter's idiot?

Rick 1 unfreezes Jerry. Rick 2 and Rick 3 take Rick through the portal and all exit

Jerry -give you anything! I have a rare antique coin collection, just don't hurt me! pauses Okay, maybe not antique, but it was a limited minting. They have little R2D2s instead of George Washingtons.

Beth Our son's been abducted!

Jerry You hate me for buying those coins!

Trans. Ext Citadel of Ricks Trans. Int Citadel of Ricks. The three armed Ricks and C-137 Rick and Morty enter through a portal

Morty (C-137) Geez, Rick! Wh-what is this place?

Rick (C-137) The citadel of Ricks. It's the secret headquarters for the council of Ricks.

Morty (C-137) Council of Ricks?

Rick (C-137): As you know, Morty, I've got a lotta enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat. Galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government wh-wherever you find people with heads up their asses someone wants a piece of your grandpa. And a lot of versions of me on different timelines had the same problem. So a few thousand versions of me had the INGENIOUS IDEA OF BANDING TOGETHER like a herd of cattle or a school of fish or those people who answer questions on yahoo answers.

Morty (C-137) Hey, what do you know? It's a cowboy version of me!

Rick (C-137) Geez, you're easy to impress. Yeah, most timelines have a Rick and most Ricks have a Morty. This place is a real who's-who of who's you and me.

Rick Salesman 1 Turn your boring old Morty into a hot fashion statement, with some Morty dazzlers!

Rick Salesman 2 Hey, check this out!

Rick Salesman 2 holds up a Morty doll and presses a button in the middle

Morty Doll Show me the Morty!

Rick (C-137) Dumb.

Rick Salseman 3 ‘Scuse me, sir, is your Morty insured? You know, every year hundreds of Mortys are injured in-

Rick (C-137) Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place.

Trans. Hallway leading to the Council

Rick (C-137) I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick.

Rick 1 Save your anti-Rick speech for the council of Ricks, terror-Rick!

Rick (C-137) Hey, save your Rick rules for the belches sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig!

Rick 1 Fuck me, pal.

Rick (C-137) Fuck you? No no no no no, fuck me!

They reach the end of the hallway and the door opens automatically, revealing the council of Ricks

Rick Council 1 Bring up the holograms!

A screen depicting several dead Ricks appears

Rick Council 1 Twenty-seven Ricks brutally murdered in their own timelines. An unprecedented Rick-icidal epidemic. What say you, Earth Rick C-137?

Rick (C-137) You think I did this? Why am I the first Rick you pull in every time a Rick stubs his toe?

Rick Council 1 You belches have a history of non-cooperation with the council.

Rick (C-137) Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick! Wh-wh-wh-why isn't he here in handcuffs?

Rick Council 1 Because he's dead too!

Rick crowd No!

Rick Council 1 Who else would you have us question? You fit the profile. Of all the Ricks in the central finite curve, you're the malcontent. The rogue.

Rick (C-137) I'm the Rick. And so were the rest of you before you formed this stupid alliance. You wanted to be safe from the government so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me.

Rick crowd Can you believe this guy? This guy needs to get out of here, etc. Ad lib

Rick (C-137) Yeah, murmur it up, d-bags. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got pancakes back home with syrup on top of them. They're about to hit that critical point of syrup absorption that turns the cakes into a gross paste. And I hate to get all Andy Rooney about it, but I think we all like fluffy discs of cake with syrup on top! And I think we also like to be accused of crimes when there's evidence! So as they say in Canada, peace oot!

Rick Council 1 Evidence? Good idea. Scan his portal gun!

Rick 1 reaches into C-137's lab coat and retrieves his portal gun

Rick (C-137) Oh, come on. Don't look at another man's portal gun history. We-we all go to weird places.

Rick Council 1 Yes, but it appears you alone have been going to the exact timelines and locations in which the murders occured!

A diagram appears on the screen, displaying C-137's portal gun history. Entries for certain dimensions flash green before it finally settles on a select few which flash red

Rick (C-137) What? That's Rick-diculous. I'm obviously being set up!

Rick Council 1 Earth Rick C-137! The council of Ricks sentences you to the machine of unspeakable doom, which swaps your conscious and unconscious minds, rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you know becomes impossible to grasp. Also every ten seconds it stabs your balls.

Rick (C-137) I've heard enough.

C-137 elbows Rick 1 and tackles him into Rick 2, taking his gun and shooting through his own and then Morty's handcuffs. The two run away

Rick (C-137) Run, Morty!

A Morty from the crowd starts to run too

Crowd rick Uh uh, not you!

Trans. back to corridor. Rick and Morty (C-137) are running, and are being chased by Ricks

Morty (C-137) Aaaaah!

Rick shoots into the side walls with his portal gun. As the chasing Ricks pass, several of them get set on fire, attacked by insects, dragged into the portals by tentacles or hit by falling pumpkins

Armed Rick 1 Nooo!

Armed Rick 2 Arrrrgh! Ahhhh!

Armed Rick 3 Aaaah!

Armed Ricks 4 and 5 Oof!

The two reach the end of the corridor, which cuts off to a moveable ramp which is currently down and is blocked by a railing. They leap over. As they fall, Rick C-137 shoots a portal beneath them which they then fall through Trans. Buttworld. Rick and Morty C-137 fall through a portal onto a large butt mountain. They bounce off and continue running

Morty (C-137) Oh! Oooh!

Rick C-137 shoots a portal in between two buttcheeks, which they run through, with the other Ricks in hot pursuit Trans. Pizza dimension. A pizza sits on a couch dialing on a phone, while another is lying down on another couch

Pizza 1 Yeah, I'd like to order one large person with extra people please.

Pizza 2 White people. No no no no no, black people. And hispanic on half.

C-137 Rick and Morty run out of a portal and shoot another portal onto the opposite wall, then run through. The Ricks and Mortys chasing them follow Trans. Greasy grandma world. The dimension is full of greasy grandmas. A banner says “Welcome to greasy grandma world. Population: A whole lot, sonny!” C-137 Rick and Morty run through, avoiding the grandmas as much as possible. They shoot another portal in the wall and run through. The Ricks and Mortys chasing them follow Trans. Phone dimension. A phone sits on a pizza dialing on a person, while another is lying down on another pizza

Phone 1 Yes, I'd like to order one large sofa chair with extra chair please.

Phone 2 High chair. No no no no no, recliner! And wheelchair on half.

C-137 Rick and Morty run out of a portal and shoot another portal onto the opposite wall, then run through. The Ricks and Mortys chasing them follow Trans. Doopidoo dimension. Several doopidoo creatures stand around repeating the phrase “Doopidoo” over and over Rick C-137 shoots several portals into the wall, and enters the last one. The Ricks and Mortys chasing them enter the dimension but don't know which portal to go into

Armed Rick 6 They could have gone into any one of these.

Armed Ricks Ugh, son of a-, aw geez, aw man, we lost him, etc. Ad lib

Trans. Chair dimension. A sofa sits on a person dialing on a pizza, while another is lying down on another person

Sofa 1 Yeah, I'd like to order one large phone with extra phones please.

Sofa 2 Cellphone. No no no no no, rotary! And payphone on half.

C-137 Rick and Morty run out of a portal

Rick That'll keep ‘em belches busy for a while.

Morty Those guys were wrong, right? You don't- you wouldn't kill yourself... y-yourselves?

Rick ‘Course not, Morty! How could that profit me? Someone out there is killing Ricks, and the council ain't gonna stop thinking it's me until we clear our names.

The two pass a homeless sofa, who's initially drinking but stares at them as they pass and dumps out his bottle

Rick By finding the real Rick killer.

Morty I'm scared, Rick! Maybe we should go home and stockpile weapons like that show Doomsday Preppers.

Rick Not really my style, Morty. Besides, your home is most likely swarming with Ricks right now.

Trans. Smith living room. Jerry's reading a newspaper, Summer's on her phone, and a bunch of Ricks and Mortys are searching the place

Rick 1 Alright, listen, Jerry. If Rick calls, this device is going to trace his location. You just gotta keep ‘em on the phone for thirty seconds or longer.

Beth Who wants lemonade?

Rick 1 Oh yeah! Mmm! Oh, delicious!

Rick 2 Beth, belches you're a treasure.

Rick 3 I have a Beth just like you in my belches reality, except you know what? She's not as brilliant or belches attractive!

Beth Aww, thank belches you!

All Ricks Ohohoho! She did it! She did it!

Phone rings. Rick 4 makes a signal to say they're tracing the signal. Jerry picks it up

Jerry Uh, hello?

Rick (phone) Hey Jerry, it's Rick.

Jerry Rick! Heyy. Haha, what's- what's up?

Rick (phone) So listen, the heat's on and belches there's nowhere left to turn so Morty and I are just going to fly my spaceship into a black hole.

Jerry What?

Rick (phone) Is that cool with you, dog?

Jerry Rick, no! Mortyyyy!

Rick 4 I got it! The call's coming from... inside the house!

All Ricks laughing Look at his face! I can't believe our daughter married you, too easy, etc. Ad lib

Trans. Chair dimension. Rick and Morty are in a restaurant run by chairs

Rick The Ricks are probably gonna waste some time messing with Jerry. They won't be able to help themselves. But as soon as they get bored they'll be on to us.

Chair waiter Phones á la clams, and phonesgetti with phoneballs. Anything else?

Rick Yeah, more phonesticks please.

Phone waiter Right away, sir.

Morty You know Rick, when I first saw all those Ricks and Mortys, I thought ‘gee, that kinda devalues our bond.' But then I realised that just means that our relationship must be pretty special to span over all those different timelines.

Rick Yeah, it's gotta be that way. You're a camouflage.

Morty Camouflage? Wh-wh-what are you talking about, Rick?

Rick Ricks have a very distinct and traceable brainwave due to our genius. The best way to hide from an enemy's radar is to stand near someone with complementary brainwaves that make ours invisible. See, wh-wh-when a Rick is with a Morty, the genius waves get cancelled out by the uh, clears throat Morty waves.

Morty Um... because... our personalities are so different?

Rick Oh, shit dog! My portal gun was hacked remotely Morty, obviously by the real killer to frame me. But I was able to trace the signal. Come on, let's go!

The two stand up. As they're about to leave, two Ricks and a Morty enter the restaurant and address the waiter

Rick (C-137) Uh-oh!

Rick 1 ‘Scuse me, we've tracked a pair of dangerous criminals to this exact location. They look exactly like us, so in order to avoid confusion I'm going to mark us each with a red X right now. That way if someone has a gun and we both tell you to shoot the other one because they're the evil one, you'll know who's lying.

Rick 2 Hey, check it out!

Two person-chairs that look like Rick and Morty from behind are beside a table. When the two Ricks rush over to turn them around, it's revealed that they're not

Rick 1 Dammit!

They look out the window, to see C-137 flipping them off from in a police hovercraft. They rush outside, and the waiter follows

Chair waiter Hey, you didn't pay your bill!

Rick 1 The red X! Red X!

Trans. Green planet. Rick and Morty are flying in the police hovercraft, searching

Rick Hey, it's a good thing that space outlet had labcoats and your favourite kind of shirt in stock, huh Morty?

Morty Yeah, Rick. I-I heard you the first time. You don't have to keep saying it over and over and over.

Rick Man, this place is wayyy off the grid. This guy does not wanna be found.

Morty Well, if he's a Rick, doesn't he just have to stand by a Morty to hide? I mean, isn't that what Mortys are? Human cloaking devices?

Rick Morty, you're making a bigger deal out of this than it is.

In the distance a dome comes into view. Faint yelling can be heard

Morty Oh my god, Rick, look! There's a bunch of people strapped all over that building!

Rick Not people, Morty. Mortys.

As they get closer, it's revealed that the dome is covered top to bottom in naked Mortys, who are strapped to the surface and are being tortured with contraptions that stab their sides constantly. Constant Morty yelling can be heard

Morty (C-137) Oh my god... wh-why would somebody do this? It's horrible!

Rick Well, one Morty's enough to hide from the bureaucrats. But you g- you get a whole matrix of Mortys and put ‘em in agonising pain. That creates a pattern that can hide even from other Ricks, motherfucker. I fiddled with a belches concept like this once.

They land. Morty stares at Rick

Rick On paper, Morty, on paper! I wouldn't do this, it's barbaric overkill. I mean, you could accomplish the same result with like five Mortys and a jumper cable. pauses as Morty glares at him Which I also wouldn't do! I'm just saying, it's bad craftsmanship.

Trans. Smith living room. Ricks are playing cards while Mortys watch. Jerry's on his laptop

Beth Coffee time!

All ricks Yeah! That's what I like to hear! etc. Ad lib

The Ricks run into the kitchen, and the Mortys take the place of the Ricks on the cards table. Doofus Rick enters the house

Jerry Ugh.

Doofus Rick Hi Jerry!

Jerry Leave me alone, I'm working!

Doofus Rick Oh, you are? Wh-wh-what do you do?

Jerry Ugh. I'm- I'm in between advertising jobs.

Doofus Rick Advertising? Wow! So, people need help figuring out what to buy and then y-you help them?

Jerry W-well, it's a little more complicated than that...

Doofus Rick Well, I mean, you do it, and you seem like a guy that really has it all together!

Jerry Looks around for hiding Ricks Dude, are you... wh- you're being a dick, right?

Doofus Rick Oh gosh, wh- I hope not! I-I-I-I wouldn't want to offend you in any way!

Jerry You're really a Rick?

Doofus Rick Ohoho! Y-of course I am! Just as much as my Morty's a Morty!

Doofus Rick's morty waves to Doofus Rick from the poker table

Jerry Hey, he looks a lot like Eric Stoltz from the movie ‘Mask.' You know, the one with Cher in it?

Doofus Rick That's right, Jerry! He-he's from a reality where everyone is Eric Stoltz mask people! He's Eric Stoltz mask Morty! They assigned him to me because... I never had any kids of my own. But if I did, boy, I'd love ‘em if they were as smart and as successful as you are, Jerry.

Ricks return with coffee

Rick 1 Hey, get a load of this! Jerry's hanging out with doofus Rick.

Rick 2 Haha, this is perfect.

Doofus Rick I'm not doofus Rick! I'm Rick J-19-Zeta-7!

Rick 1 Oh, is that the timeline where everybody eats poop? Jerry, you know this guy eats poop, right?

Doofus Rick Hey! I don't eat poop! Y-you guys are always so mean to me!

Rick 1 and 2 laughing

Doofus Rick I guess it's only fair to tell you now, Jerry... I'm the worst Rick of them all.

Jerry According to who? Other versions of you? If I've learned one thing, it's that before you get anywhere in life, you gotta stop listening to yourself.

Doofus Rick Wow, you really are wise, Jerry. I-I guess that's why you work in advertising!

Jerry The fact that you feel that way makes you the best Rick of them all.

Trans. Int dome. Rick and Morty are exploring corridors

Morty You don't care about me at all! I'm no different than that jacket you've got on! Y-y-or-or your stupid portal gun! I'm just a tool! I-I'm just an object!

Rick Hey, it's your choice to take it personally, Morty. Now for the love of god, be quiet! The point of this is to get the drop on the guy!

Morty You know what Rick, I'll tell you something! I'm more than a human shield!

Rick Yeah, that's right! You are! You're a perfect impenetrable sheet of human armour, Morty! Because you're as dumb as I am smart! Which is why when I say ‘shut up' it's really good advice.

Morty tears up. A bunch of lobster-like aliens come out of the nearby corridors and surround them

Rick Great, nice work, Morty.

Rick starts attacking and kicking the aliens. He kills the first wave, but more surround them quickly

Rick Urrgh.

Evil Rick and Evil Morty emerge. Evil Rick is slow clapping

Evil Rick Ooh, look at you, C-137! You're- aren't you a tough customer?

Rick The slow clap? Really? Kinda played out, dude.

Evil Rick Not in this dimension it isn't. In fact, hah, I invented it and nobody else has ever even done it here before.

Rick Well lah-dee-dah. slow claps

Evil Rick Hey, that's mine!

Trans. Rick and Morty have been apprehended and are being carried down the corridor by lobster aliens

Rick I don't like the look of that Rick, Morty. We gotta escape.

Morty I'm not gonna help you, Rick. Y-you're a monster.

Rick Don't be Rickdiculous, Morty.

Morty W-will you stop saying that? It's stupid.

Evil Rick Take his Morty away.

Evil Morty Come with me.

Morty Yeah, gladly. Geez man, Ricks huh?

The two leave to the left. The view changes to another, smaller corridor, which the two walk down

Morty Hey man, you seem to know how this place works. Is there any way we can... shut down that grid and rescue all those Mortys out there?

Evil Morty It would be pointless. Mortys have no chance of defeating a Rick.

He opens a door

Evil Morty In here.

As Morty walks in, he sees it's filled with a crowd of scared, shivering Mortys. As he tries to leave, Evil Morty closes the door behind him, locking him in Trans. Evil Rick's lab. Rick is tied to an examination table. An array of computers and other devices are visible. Many of the Mortys from the outside of the dome are visible

Evil Rick Ahh, isn't it beautiful?

Rick Yeah, yeah, looks like payday at Neverland ranch in here. Zing!

Lobster alien Hehehehehehehehehe.

Rick That guy got it.

Evil Rick Ah-ah Rick, quiet. You're missing my symphony.

Evil Rick presses a button, allowing the sounds of the Mortys in pain to come through. He conducts it for a bit

Rick Hey, I'll take it over Mumford and Sons. Zip!

Lobster alien Hehehehehehehehehe.

Rick This guy is on it!

Evil Rick He's not laughing at your dumb jokes, Rick. That's just a random noise it makes every ten seconds.

Lobster alien Hehehehehehehehehe.

Rick Awww.

Evil Rick See, Rick, you're not as clever as you think you are. I wanted you to find me. We're not so belch different, you and I.

Evil Rick activates a display showing all the Ricks from different timelines

Rick Yeah, duh!

Evil Rick See this right here, Rick? I crunched the numbers, I created a spectrum of all the Ricks. I listed ‘em out from most evil to least evil. Here's where I am. And look at right here's where you are, Rick. This guy right here? Super weird.

Rick I get it. So you want me to team up with you to take down the council of Ricks, right? Is that where you're going with this? ‘Cause that's where I'd be going.

Evil Rick Please. I think I'm doing pretty good on my own. I'm simply going to download the contents of your brain, and then kill you.

Trans. Rick's garage. Doofus Rick is mixing chemicals and Jerry is watching

Doofus Rick: Okay, if we add a little more titanium nitrate, and just a tad of chlorified tartrate ovenless brownies!

Jerry takes a brownie, eats it and smiles

Jerry It's incredible what a gifted mind can accomplish when priorities are in order!

Doofus Rick Well, come on, I can't take all the credit, Jerry. It was your idea. C'mere Jerry!

Both hug and laugh

Jerry Hey, uh. C'mere, uh. I-I wanna show you something.

They exit the garage and Jerry pulls out a box, then opens it to reveal coins with R2D2s on them

Jerry Okay, look. Everybody makes fun of me for getting these, but... you're a genius scientist, what do you think? There's little R2D2s where the George Washingtons should be!

Doofus Rick You know Jerry, I'm not gonna tell you that these will increase in value, or even hold their current value. The truth is... you bought ‘em ‘cause you like ‘em. They have value to you. That's what matters.

Jerry tearing up How long are you staying?

Doofus Rick Until we find your Rick.

Jerry hugging doofus Rick I found mine. I found mine.

Trans. Morty prison. C-137 Morty is bashing at the door. He is approached by a group of Mortys wearing robes and facepaint

Morty (C-137) Help!

Religious Morty There is no escape, my son. We will find our peace in the next world.

Religious Morty offers C-137 a pamphlet titled “The Good Morty”

Morty (C-137) So what? Y-y-y-y-you're just going to give up?

Religious Morty We're giving in to the power of the One True Morty. One day he will return!

All religious Mortys Praise the One True Morty!

Morty opens “The Good Morty” to the first page, then scoffs and throws it away

Morty (C-137) Alright Mortys, listen up! My name is Morty Smith, from Earth dimension C-137! I know you're scared, because I'm scared, but that's no reason to accept our fate. We're Mortys! We're not defined by our relationships to Rick! Our destiny is our own!

Morty 1 This sounds like something the One True Morty might say. I'm sick of being a human shield! I-I-I-I wanna be a gardener!

Morty 2 I wanna write really crazy, intense action novels!

Hammer Morty I'm more than just a hammer!

Religious Morty He is the one true Morty! The one true Morty!

All Mortys Hooray!

The door opens, and a lobster alien walks in

Lobster alien Hey, keep it down!

All Mortys Raaaaugh!

The Mortys rush the door, breaking free and charging down the corridor Trans. Evil Rick's lab. Evil Rick is going through Rick's memories on a screen

Evil Rick You've lived quite a life, Rick. It's a real shame you're not gonna be around to see it through.

The memories change theme to feature Morty in each one. Rick tears up

Evil Rick You're crying? Over a Morty?

Rick No, I'm just allergic to dipshits.

Evil Rick Ugh, pathetic. We both know that if there's any truth in the universe, it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys.

The Mortys break through the door and rush at Evil Rick, killing the lobster aliens, surrounding him and tearing into him

Evil Rick Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do it!

Evil Rick dies. Morty C-137 appears and approaches Rick

Rick Morty! Get me out of this! Come on!

Morty (C-137) You're lucky I'm not a Rick.

Morty C-137 unbuckles Rick from the examination table

Rick Point taken, but this is belches no time for arcs.

He presses a button, disengaging the Morty shield. Mortys are released and pour down off the dome. Rick grabs a phone and rings home

Rick 1 Yeah, hello?

Rick (C-137) Hey, what do me and O.J. not have in common?

Rick 1 Huh? Wh-who is this?

Rick (C-137) I found the real killer, biitch! Get over here!

Trans. Jerry and doofus Rick are playing with legos. Rick 1 opens the door

Rick 1 Yo ding-dong! We're done here. Time to go.

Doofus Rick Well Jerry, I belches guess this means goodbye.

Jerry W-w-well, does it have to? Heh, you, you look just like Rick. We could maybe... you know... get rid of him? I'm not saying kill him, necessarily, I-I'm also not saying necessarily not kill him, but-

Doofus Rick Jerry. W-we both know it wouldn't work. It's time to go back to our lives. I love you, Jerry. I love ya.

Doofus Rick hugs Jerry and leaves. Jerry makes as if to follow him, then stops and punches a wall. The lego castle they built falls apart Trans. Evil Rick's lab. The Mortys are still fighting. Ricks from the citadel move in and stop each Morty, pulling them off Evil Rick's corpse and bringing them back to the citadel

Morty (C-137) Wh-wh-what's gonna happen to all these Mortys?

Council Rick 1 They'll go back to their families, attend school regularly, play video games, date girls... poor little Rickless bastards.

Trans. Citadel of Ricks. The council has gathered around C-137 Rick and Morty

Council Rick 1 Earth Rick C-137, the council apologises for its false accusation. And in the way of reparations for our terrible mistake, we would like to compensate you with this voucher for a free replacement Morty, in the event that belches your current belches Morty should-

Rick Uh, guys? Not a good time. Come on, Morty, let's hit it.

Before they leave, Rick takes the voucher anyway Trans. Citadel outside. Rick and Morty are walking away from the council

Morty Is it time for arcs yet, Rick? I did a pretty great job back there for a human cloaking device. Saved your ass.

Rick Alright, Morty, don't break an arm jerking yourself off.

Morty Man, I can't believe you, Rick! That right there! Tha-that was a great opportunity to show a little humanity. You know? To connect with me a little?

Rick Hey Morty, you want connection? Go be part of some stupid club like all those dumb Ricks. You know, maybe I don't connect because I'm the Rickest Rick there is. And you know, it would belch go without saying that the Rickest Rick... would have the Mortyest Morty.

Morty It would go without saying, huh?

Rick Yeah, it would. Did you hear me say it?

Morty Nah... to himself The Mortyest Morty...

Rick Just don't get too big for your loafers, Buster Brown. A cocky Morty could lead to some big problems. Could be a real bad thing for everybody.

Morty Oh yeah, how's that?

Rick I-I-I'll explain when you're older.

Trans. Evil Rick's lab. Evil Rick is lying in a pool of blood being inspected by Ricks. For the Damaged Coda by Blonde Redhead starts playing in the background

Rick 1 What a mess...

Rick 2 Pride cometh before the fall. I guess he got what he deserved.

Rick 1 What is that?

Rick 1 turns Evil Rick's head over to reveal wires

Rick 2 Hand me the laser defibrillator.

Doofus Rick Hey guys! Uh, c-can I help?

Rick 2 No! Go clean the toilets! Maybe you'll make friends with some turds!

Rick 1 You make us ashamed to be ourselves!

Rick 2 removes the top of Evil Rick's head to reveal electronics woven into his brain. They pull out a chip

Rick 1 My god! I've seen this technology before! This Rick was being controlled remotely, puppeteered by somebody else. This is the receiver!

Rick 2 Yeah, but where's the transmitter?

Trans. Citadel of Ricks. Mortys are being loaded into spaceships to be delivered to their respective dimensions Evil Morty follows them, and removes his eyepatch, revealing the transmitter. He crushes it underfoot and hides the wires, then follows the rest of the Mortys Credits play After credits scene: Jerry is sitting in Rick's bedroom, trying not to cry. Rick enters.

Rick Wubbalubbadubdub! Oh. Hey Jerry. Wh-wh-what are you doing in my room, buddy?

Jerry Nothing! I was just, um, checking the smoke detectors.

Rick Alright. Okay, get out.

Jerry leaves and goes down to the dining room. He looks outside the window and sees doofus Rick standing in the rain and smiles. Rick appears beside Jerry

Rick What's that dipshit doing out there? Are you friends with him? You know he eats his own shit, right? Oh my god, this is rich! I've got like belches ten Ricks to call right now!

Episode ends Close Encounters of the Third Kind1977

M. Night Shaym-Aliens!

Author(s): Justin Roiland

Transcriber/Editor(s): A. Hall

Date Aired: 2015-09-04

Reference Name(s): The Iron GiantAqua Teen Hunger Force

Reference Date(s): 19992000

Open Int. Rick's garage. Rick is dissecting a rat.

Rick T-t-t-this is just sloppy craftsmanship.

Morty Hey, Rick. Boy, sure is really especially beautiful out there today, huh?

Rick Oh, yes, Morty. It's almost unbelievable, isn't it?

Morty Yeah, you know? There's something about the air. And just the way the sunshine is.

Rick Oh, sure, buddy. Yeah. Sure. B-brilliant. Very convincing.

Morty Wh… convincing?

Rick Oh! Responsive, too! In real time! I love it!

Morty Uhhokay.

Beth robotic I'm going to work. Morty, good morning. Dad, good morning. I am going to work. Goodbye. Beth drives away.

Morty What's with Mom?

Rick Oh, what's with Mom? So, you're saying that she's acting weird? How soph—burp—isticated. Careful, guys. You're gonna burn out the CPU with this one.

Morty Okay, you know what, Rick? You're acting weird, too.

Rick Whatever, quote-unquote "Morty."

Morty Alright, well I'll see you after school. Walks into the side of the garage. Ow! Oof! Ugh! Damn it! I'm all right. I'm okay.

Trans. Morty's math class

Mr. Goldenfold Alright, who can tell me what 5 x 9 is? Students whisper. Morty?

Morty Uh, me?

Mr. Goldenfold What is 5 x 9?

Morty Um, you know, it's, uh, at least 40.

Students gasp.

Mr. Goldenfold Morty, that's exactly correct! 5 x 9 is at least 40! Come up here.

Students cheer.

Jessica Whoo! Way to go, Morty!

Mr. Goldenfold Everybody, this is the best student. I want you to be the teacher today. sits down at a desk Teach us, Morty!

Rick spying from outside Interesting…

Morty W-w-w-what do you want me to teach you?

Student Ooh, ooh! How do you make concentrated dark matter?

Mr. Goldenfold Oh, that's a good question.

Morty Concentrated huh?

Mr. Goldenfold Concentrated dark matter. The fuel for accelerated space travel. Now, do you know how to make it?

Morty Uhhh…

Jessica Come on, Morty. Isn't your grandpa, like, a scientist?

Morty Oh, yeah, but, you know, he told me that I shouldn't go around spouting off about, you know, his science and stuff.

Jessica I bet you've seen him make concentrated dark matter a lot. You know, if you tell us, I'll be your girlfriend.

Morty Uh, y-you will?

Mr. Goldenfold Seems like a rare opportunity, Morty.

Rick kicks open the door Morty, u-uh, come on. There's a family emergency.

Rick grabs Morty by one arm. Mr. Goldenfold grabs the other.

Mr. Goldenfold Stop right there! If he leaves, I'm giving him an F!

Rick He doesn't care.

Morty Aw, man! Rick drags him to the locker room. Rick, I have to go back! I think I was about to get married! falls down Ugh!

Rick Take a shower with me, Morty.

Morty What?!

Rick Listen to me, Morty. Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now. strips Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Morty.

Morty Ugh! I'm gonna get an F in class, Rick. strips

Rick Morty, that's not class. T-t-t-that wasn't your teacher. This isn't your school. This entire world is not the world. We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship.

Morty Wait a minute. W-what are you talking about?

Rick It's all fake burps Morty, all of it. Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of… crazy, fake nonsense, Morty. I couldn't say so until we got in the shower. They won't monitor us in here.

Morty Monitor us?! looks around and tries to cover himself W-who?!

Rick Zigerion scammers, Morty. The galaxy's most ambitious, least successful con artists. You know, it's lucky for us they're also really uncomfortable with nudity.

Morty Aw, come on, Rick. If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica.

Rick I can't let you do that, Morty.

Rick grabs Morty's clothes and they begin fighting over them.

Morty Give it to me!

Rick No! You give it to me!

Morty G-g-give it!

Rick Morty, come on! Morty!

Morty No, Rick!

View of simulated world expands out to reveal they're in an enormous spacecraft. Trans. Zigerion control room Zigerions groan and look away from the monitors with disgust.

Zigerion 1 Oh, god, sir! They're still naked! Ugh.

Prince Nebulon Well, check every five quintons and tell me when they're not!

Zigerion 1 I think we should make Kevin look, sir.

Kevin What?! No! W-w-why would you even say that?

Stu Uh, sir, we have a situation over here.

Prince Nebulon If there's a wiener on that monitor, I swear to god, Stu.

Stu Something is drawing a lot of processing power. Oh, wait. No wonder. Jerry appears on a large screen. There's another real human in the simulator.

Jerry Okay, Jerry, big pitch meeting. Make-or-break time. trims nostril hairs while driving You can do this.

Prince Nebulon How did this happen?! Where's the Abductions Department?

Zigerion 2 Hey, man, Abductions just follows the acquisition order.

Zigerion 3 Don't put this on Acquisitions! We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated!

Kevin Well, Simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so—

Prince Nebulon Oh, I see! Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait no. shouts There's still another human in here! Who is he?

Stu Rick's son-in-law, Jerry Smith. So far, he hasn't noticed he's in a simulation.

Prince Nebulon sighs Well, cap his sector at 5% processing, keep his settings on auto, and we'll deal with him later. Rick Sanchez is the target.

Trans. Jerry's car

Jerry inhales deeply Gotta relax. It's just a pitch. Gotta relax.

He turns on the radio.

Radio This is earth radio. And now, here's…human music.

Repetitive rhythmic beeping.

Jerry Hmm. Human music. I like it. rocks head side to side in rhythm with the music

Pan out to see Jerry's sector of the simulation, followed by a transition to Rick and Morty's. Rick and Morty pant as they run naked down the street. Rick shoves their clothes into a sewer.

Morty Rick!

Rick Uhp, uhp, uhp! Morty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Morty. Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look, that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs.

Morty I don't know, Rick. I mean, I've seen people do that before.

Rick Well, look at that old lady. She's, she's walking a cat on a leash.

Morty Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick.

Rick Look, I-I-I don't wanna hear about Mrs. Spencer, Morty! She's an idiot! Alright, alright, there. W-what about that, Morty?

A Poptart walks out of a toaster house and into a toaster car before driving away.

Morty Okay, okay, you got me on that one.

Rick Oh, really, Morty? Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before?

Morty No, no. I haven't seen that. I mean, why would a Poptart wanna live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live. You know what I mean?

Rick You're missing the point, Morty. Why would he drive a smaller toaster with wheels? I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No.

Morty So, why are they doing this? W-what do they want?

Rick Well, that would be obvious to you, Morty, if you'd been paying attention.

Siren wails. Ambulance drives up to them and the doors open.

Paramedic We got the president of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die!

Rick slams the ambulance doors shut and starts walking off.

Morty Concentrated dark matter! They were asking about that in class.

Rick Yeah, it's a special fuel I invented to travel through space faster than anybody else. These Zigerions are always trying to scam me out of my secrets, but they made a big mistake this time, Morty. They dragged you into this. Now they're gonna pay!

Morty Wait, wha, w-w-what are we gonna do?

Rick We'll scam the scammers, Morty. And we're gonna take them for everything they've got.

Trans. Ext. Ad agency Trees flicker with a static noise

Jerry National Apple Farmers of America…

Trans. Int. Ad agency

Jerry Welcome to our ad agency. I'm Jerry Smith. Audience stares blankly.

Alright. I'll just get to the pitch. Um, simple question, gentlemen, hoarsely

what are apples? clears throat

Excuse me. drinks some water

Ahh. coughs, clears throat What are apples? pulls poster board to the front of the room Apples are food. And when do we need food? When we're hungry. Audience stares blankly. With that, I give you your new slogan! Flips paper to reveal sign saying "Hungry for Apples?" Audience continues staring. Well, say something! Do you like it?

Mr. Marklevitz Yes.

Jerry You do?

All Yes.

Jerry So I sold it? I sold the idea?

All Yes.

Jerry Oh my god! Thank you!

All shaking each others' hands Thank you. You're welcome.

Trans. Ext. Ad agency "Baker Street" plays as Jerry slides down a handrail.

Jerry Hey! I just sold my first pitch!

Old man Slow down!

Woman Lookin' good.

Mailman My man!

Jerry dials on his cellphone. As he walks, he passes the same three people repeatedly.

Simulation Beth at Simulation Smith house answers phone Hello.

Jerry Guess who just sold the apples campaign.

Simulation Beth Who just sold the apples campaign?

Jerry Me! I guess it wasn't a rip-off of "got milk?" after all. Guess someone was wrong.

Simulation Beth Yes.

Jerry Well, all is forgiven, because right now, I've got an erection the size of an East Coast lighthouse, and I'm coming home to share it with my beautiful wife.

Simulation Beth Okay.

Jerry Wait, really?

Simulation Beth Yes.

Jerry Yes! See you in 10 minutes! hangs up, shouts Hey! I'm going to make love to my wife!

Woman Lookin' good.

Old man Slow down!

Mailman My man! glitches into a tree

Trans. Backstage Rick is decked out in chains and adjusts his clothes to look more disheveled.

Morty Aw, geez, Rick. I-I don't know if I like this plan,you know? I mean, crowds, t-t-t-they have a tendency to make me really nervous.

Rick Morty, relax. It's just a bunch of 1s and 0s out there. You're gonna be fine. Lowers Morty's pants slightly and puts a hat on him. Just follow my lead. Rick and Morty fist bump. Yo, deejay, drop that beat.

Trans. Stage in park Hip-hop beat plays. Crowd cheers.

Rick Uh-oh, Morty. This crowd looks too small for one of our famous rap concerts. I don't think we can perform our new song, "The Recipe for Concentrated Dark Matter," for a crowd this tiny.

Morty You got that right, Rick.

Hordes of people appear from all directions and congregate in the park.

Rick Now that's more like it! Morty, here we go. Let me hear everybody say "hey-oh!" yeah! Crowd cheers. All the ladies say, "yeah!" Ladies cheer. Everybody over thirty, do this with your hands! Everybody with a red shirt, jump up and down! People start glitching.

Trans. Smith house

Jerry kisses Beth, who is still in front of the phone Mm. Mm. Mm. Yeah, don't move. Mm, mm, mm, mm! Mm!

Trans. Park

Rick Yo, everyone whose first name begins with an "L" who isn't Hispanic, walk in a circle the same number of times as the square root of your age times ten! Simulation freezes. Rick and Morty jump offstage. Run, Morty! Before the system reboots!

Trans. Ext. Smith house.

Jerry Yeah! You like that? Now who's unremarkable? You hungry for apples? Are you hungry for apples?!

Trans. Beth and Jerry's bedroom. Jerry lies in bed beside Beth, who is frozen in place.

Jerry Oh, my god. That's the best sex I've ever had in my life. It's… it's too good. I don't deserve this, Beth. I'm a fraud.

Trans. Rick and Morty running through frozen simulation.

Morty Oh, man, Rick! W-w-w-where we running to?

Rick Out of the simulation, Morty. Normally, the chamber operates like a treadmill, with the virtual world disappearing behind us and being rendered in front of us as we move through it, but while it's frozen, Morty, we can get to…the edge. Here we go. jumps off the edge

Morty Holy crap!

Rick Come on, Morty.

Morty jumps off edge

Trans. Control room

Zigerion Sir, they're over the edge.

Prince Nebulon Yes, they are. Just as planned. evil laughter, others join in Oh, this is going to be such a mindfuck!

Trans. Corridor in spacecraft

Rick Keep your eyes peeled for the central processing room, Morty. That's how we're gonna scam these idiots.

Morty So, hey, why do these aliens keep coming after you, Rick, if you're so much smarter than them?

Rick It's an obsession for them at this point. The Zigerions have been trying to outsmart me for years, Morty. Every time they do, I'm one step ahead of them. finds central processing room Aha! Here we go. starts collecting chips Grab as many processors as you can carry, Morty. These guys aren't good at much, but they're really good at making these chips.

Morty I've got so many, I can barely hold them all! holding chips in his shirt Look at, look at this. Oops. I dropped one.

Rick Don't worry about it, Morty. There's plenty of them, you little goofball. Both laugh and toss chips at each other playfully. Come here, Morty! Oh, I gotcha!

Morty Come on, quit it, Rick! Quit it!

Rick Nothing wrong with just a little bit of horseplay every now and then, little fella.

They sneak towards the escape pods. Rick throws a chip and distracts the guards while they steal a pod and fly away.

Morty Wow. What do you know? Huh. That was easy.

Rick Totes malotes, dawg.

Morty Just kind of hard to believe, you know?

Rick Believe it, Morty. And once again, I'm flying away with everything I can carry, and the Zigerions got nothing of mine.

Trans. Jerry's boss's office

Jerry Mr. Marklevitz, do you have a minute to talk?

Mr. Marklevitz snaps fingers Yes.

Jerry Look, I'm a fraud. I mean, let's face it. "Hungry for apples" is just a rip-off of "Got milk?" It's almost identical.

Mr. Marklevitz snaps fingers Yes.

Jerry Okay. I deserve that. Um, I guess I'll just pack up my desk.

Mr. Marklevitz snaps fingers Yes.

Jerry crying Oh my god. Wait. You know what?! No! The milk people don't have a patent on simple rhetorical questions! Y-You— There's not even a single word in "Hungry for Apples" that's shared by "Got milk?" It's a completely different slogan. It's different! And I shouldn't be fired. I should be promoted!

Mr. Marklevitz snaps fingers Yes.

Jerry Yeah! Wait. Really?

Mr. Marklevitz snaps fingers Yes.

Jerry Yes! I mean, it may be derivative, but it's the most successful campaign to come out of this agency in a long time.

Mr. Marklevitz snaps fingers Yes.

Jerry I-I'm not saying it should win an award for commercials, but it could certainly be nominated for an award for commercials specifically about apples, like an Appley or something.

Mr. Marklevitz snaps fingers Yes.

Jerry Is there really an award called the Appley for apple-related ad campaigns?

Mr. Marklevitz snaps fingers Yes.

Jerry Could we nominate me?

Mr. Marklevitz snaps fingers Yes.

Jerry Holy crap!

Jerry runs out. Mr. Marklevitz glitches. Trans. Ext. Smith house Rick and Morty get out of the escape pod and head into the garage with the chips.

Rick Get in, Morty. I'm gonna be able to use these processors to make some real important science stuff. Keypad beeps. Huh. I thought I entered the code right. Keypad beeps.

Second level simulation vanishes.

Prince Nebulon Well, what's this? W-what could this possibly be? Because it looks like you're inside a simulation…inside a simulation. You're still on the ship. Game-day bucket go boom!

Cynthia Sir, the, uh, doctor's appointment to examine the discoloration on your butthole flaps was—

Prince Nebulon Too loud, Cynthia. Too loud and too specific.

Rick Uhh…

Prince Nebulon We've known how to make concentrated dark matter for a long time. But now we also know the code to your fabled safe, Rick Sanchez! All your most valuable secrets will now be ours!

Rick Uh, yeah, until I get home before you and change the combination, you bunch of idiots!

Prince Nebulon That is why you're never getting home. Get them!

Guards try to grab Rick and Morty. Rick pulls down Morty's pants and all the Zigerions back away in disgust.


Morty pulls up his pants. They run through the spacecraft and are chased by Zigerions.

Morty Oh my god!

Trans. Appley Awards

Jerry I got to tell you, this morning, I didn't even know this award existed. Now I'm holding one. And, um… Look, I want to say that today was the best day of my life But the truth is, it's, it's more meaningful than that.

Mailman My man!

Jerry Yes. Thank you, sir. I am finally complete!

Everyone glitches into the mailman.

Mailmen My my my my man!

Simulation continues glitching badly.

Jerry Aah! What the hell?! Appley award glitches out of existence. No.

Rick and Morty run into the room.

Rick Jerry?!

Morty Dad!

Rick What are you doing here? W-why are you dressed like a waiter? Screw it. We don't have time. Come on. starts dragging Jerry with them

Jerry sobbing No!

Chase continues. The three make it onto a spaceship.

Rick Man up, Jerry! I may need you to work the lasers.

Morty Oh, man! They're hot on our tail, Rick!

Rick I guess they really do have concentrated dark matter.

Morty Well, you know how to make it, too, right, Rick?

Rick Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, check the engine room. We just need cesium, Plutonic quarks, and bottled water.

Morty Whoa! It's all here, Rick!

Rick Wow, Morty. Lucky break. Grab that bucket. Okay, two parts Plutonic quarks, one part cesium.

Morty Okay. Uh-huh. Alright.

Rick Now empty the water bottle into the bucket and pour it all into the fuel tank so we can get the hell out of here! What are you doing, Morty?! There's no time!

Morty freezes up

Rick Oh, no.

Simulation breaks down...again.

Jerry What the…?

Rick No!

Prince Nebulon laughing Oh my god, Rick. How dumb are you? You're inside a simulation of a simulation…inside another giant simulation! laughs harder W-we never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter. But we do now! We do now, sucka!

Rick You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-y-you bunch of diabolical sons of bitches!

Zigerion 1 Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project.

Kevin You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I?

Rick All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful. You win. Can we go home now?

Zigerion 1 I don't know. Can you?

Prince Nebulon Ha! fist bumps

Nice. Okay, okay. Show this gullible turd to his shuttle. I'm done with him. Oh, wait. Let me get a picture. snaps a selfie of himself with Rick Aww. Look at his face. He's trying to figure out if He's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick? Are you? laughs, walks away You're not. walks back Or are you? Rick and Jerry leave. shouts after them Oh, a-and, by the way, I don't have discolored butthole flaps. That was part of the simulation.

Cynthia Oh. Uh, sir, should I cancel that appointment, then?

Prince Nebulon loudly Yeah! Of course you should! to Cynthia No, keep it. Move it up, actually, if you can.

Trans. Shuttle to Earth

Rick Hey, Jerry, don't worry about it. So what if the most meaningful day of your life was a simulation operating at minimum capacity?

Jerry You know what, Rick? Those guys took you for a ride, too. You should try having a little respect for the dummies of the universe, now that you're one of us.

Rick Maybe you're right, Jerry. Maybe you're right.

Trans. Zigerion space craft, control room The Zigerions are celebrating their victory with a party.

Prince Nebulon All right, everybody. Two parts Plutonic quarks… One part cesium…. A-and listen, I'm sorry for shouting earlier. I-I couldn't ask for a better staff. I love you guys, and I love all your families. readies water bottle And the final ingredient…

Zigerion spacecraft explodes. Trans. Shuttle to Earth Jerry looks behind them, shocked.

Jerry Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there?

Rick Why don't you ask the smartest people in the universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. You can't. They blew up.

"Baker Street" plays. Rick vocalizes the saxophone part. Trans. Int. Ad agency Jerry pitches "Hungry for Apples" in reality.

Jerry So… What do you think?

Mr. Marklevitz You're fired.

Jerry Wha--? But t-this idea was tested in a state-of-the-art simulation.

Mr. Marklevitz Well, then, it was a terrible simulation. Get out.

Jerry hangs his head and leaves.

Mr. Marklevitz Man, how does a guy like that go home and have sex with his wife?

Trans. Morty's bedroom

Rick Hey, Morty.

Morty What?

Rick Hey, little buddy. H-h-how you doing in here right now?

Morty Aw, geez, Rick. What are you doing, man?

Rick Y-y-you're a good kid, Morty. Y-you're a real l-little c-character, Morty.

Morty Oh, boy.

Rick You know, I had a really rocky road today, M-Morty. You're my little friend, aren't you? We had some good times together, huh, M-Morty? We You're a real true hero out in the field. You're a... You're a real trooper, huh, M-M-Morty?

Morty Have you been drinking, Rick?

Rick I really appreciate you, Morty.

Morty O-okay, cool. A-alright, Rick

Rick suddenly aggressive, holds a knife to Morty's throat You little son of a bitch! Y-y- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?!

Morty No! No! No!

Rick You little son of a bitch!

Morty terrified, gasps

Rick lowers the knife

Rick I-I-I'm sorry, Morty. Y-you're a good… You're a good kid, Morty.

Morty Geez!

Rick Y-you're a good… You're a good kid. passes out

Morty Oh my god!

Rick snores

Morty W-w-what the hell? What a life.

The Iron Giant1999Aqua Teen Hunger Force2000

Rest and Ricklaxation

Author(s): Justin Roiland

Transcriber/Editor(s): D. Lint

Date Aired: 2015

Reference Name(s): Star Wars Episode IV: A New HopeStar Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi

Reference Date(s): 19771983

friend So, Jessica, I heard you broke up with Brad.

Who are you gonna date now that you can date anyone?

jessica I don't know.

I mean, obviously if someone special comes along B-But I mean really special, like, nothing I've even remotely considered in the past.

morty Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit.

jessica I want that kind of love like that docking kind of love.

rick Oh, yeah.

Like, penis in the foreskin kind of love Mm-hmm just, like, warm, just like He Everybody [bleep] off.

Morty, I need your help.

W-W-W-We We need to go on a quick adventure.

morty You said I could go to school today.

rick That was before I needed something, Morty.

There's a plasma shard in the Abadango Cluster.

A princess has it.

If I get it, I'll be awesome.

rick We've been going non-stop, Rick.

It's not healthy.

You know, these are my teenage years.

I-I just found out Jessica's single.

Oh, that's Wow, Morty.


What an exciting life you lead.

Let's go.

In and out, 20 minutes adventure.

rick They're on our tail! Steady, Morty.

Five cetons.

Steady, God damn it! Two cetons.

Wha! Fire! Pull up, Morty, pull up! Pull up! [ Bleep ] Oh, [Bleep] [ Bleep ] Ahh! Ahh! I can't [bleep] do this anymore! That was seriously [bleep] up.

rick We almost died.

morty So you agree?

rick [Bleep] yes! That w T-This was insane! That was pure luck.

I was not in control of that situation at all.

Look at this, Morty.

Look at my [bleep] hand.

Look at this shit.

morty Why do you keep doing this to us?!

rick I don't know, Morty.

Maybe I hate myself, maybe I think I deserve to die.

I-I-I-I don't I don't know! We need a vacation.

[opening credits]

rick Isn't that something?

morty You were right Best day spa in the galaxy.

rick It's not even cruel, either.

These things are just doing what they do in the wild It loves swallowing stressed-out creatures for 20 minutes and then puking them up.

morty My whole body's like a baby's ass.

spa employee Complimentary psychological detox? Removes all your cognitive toxins, purifies your system.

rick Oof, this guy on commission or something?

morty I don't think

rick Are you on commission?

spa employeeWe're not on commission. We get paid by the hour. There's no incentive really

rick Oh, my God.

Okay, listen W-W-W-We'll try the machine, but but I'd like you to try something.

Try swallowing the giant ball of snot that's dangling around in the back of your throat.

It's disgusting.

Nobody wants to hear that.

That's what you do.

morty Okay, Rick, come on.


rick Man, did you hear me bite that guy's head off? Geez, I really need to chill.

morty Maybe you should go through twice.

rick All right, mister comedy man, you don't have to bust my balls.

You're not helping things.

morty Rick, is this thing supposed to be making this

rick Morty! -

morty Ri-Rick -

rick Morty!

morty What happened?

rick We blew up, idiot! Are you really that stupid? Obviously the guy I yelled at overloaded the machine.

It takes more than that to kill Rick and Morty, mother[bleep]! But this might do it.

rick Run, Morty!

morty E-Everything hurts!

rick That's because you're worthless!

morty Jesus, how big was this explosion?

rick I'm a genius.

I don't have time for this [bleep].

morty W-W-We're in Hell, aren't we, Rick? -

morty You're so stupid, Morty.

- You're an idiot.

There's no such thing as Hell.

morty I believe you, but I just want to die.

rick You can die when I say so.

I control you.

I control the universe! Why am I bragging about that? I have nothing to prove.

I'm surrounded by inferior pieces of [bleep] and Toxins.

We're not in Hell, Morty.

We're in the detoxifier.

The machine didn't blow up.

It worked normally.

It removed our toxins.

We're the toxins.

Are you listening, you stupid little garbage person?! We're what got removed!!

spa employee I hope you both found that detox sufficiently relaxing.

rick Hey, man, listen Those comments I made about your throat?

spa employee It's all good.

rick It's nice of you to let me off the hook.

It's still unacceptable behavior, and I do regret it.

spa employee Believe me, man, I've been working here a long time.

I get it.

morty Hey, uh, you mind if I put on some music?

rick Not at all. Grab my terrifolds What is that?

morty I just hit shuffle.

rick Are you kidding? -This universe. Oh, excuse me.

morty We should listen to one random song a day, you know? We'd end up hearing more songs we didn't like, but we'd discover a lot more that we did.

rick That is an interesting concept.

You know, it makes me wonder if there's an algorithmic expression that could achieve the ideal ratio.

Listen to me Trying to calculate happiness over here.

morty Hoo, if anyone could, Rick.

rick Hey, here's something no science could measure I'm real proud to be your grandpa, Morty.

morty Thanks, Rick.

I love you.

rick Yeah, mother[bleep]! Yeah! Get it! Get some! Right up your [bleep] bitch ass, you [bleep]! Guess who just discovered a new element?! You think you could do that, Morty? You think anyone but me could do that ever in a billion years? Do you think if God existed he could do it? The answer is no.

If God exists, it's [bleep] me.

morty Yes, Rick. I-I agree, Rick.

rick While you were flapping your parasitic turd holster, I discovered the toxic equivalent of electricity, Morty.

What do you think about that?

morty Uh I th I think my voice is annoying.

rick It is, and it's your best quality.

morty So true.

math teacher Now, who can tell me the common denominator of these two factions? You don't know or y'all just bored?

morty Hey, listen, you know, wha If we're all bored over here, wouldn't the common denominator be you?

math teacher Damn, Morty. That's hilarious. Normally I would come down on any kind of disruption, but it seems to represent a positive change for your character.

Class dismissed! -

kid1 Awesome, Morty! -

kid2 You done good, Morty.

kid3 Oh, yeah! Thanks for the advice, Morty.

morty You got it.

kid4 I did it, Morty!

morty I knew you could.

mitch Hey, Morty, remember yesterday when I couldn't play the trombone? Well, check this out!

morty Just like I told you, Mitch The music was in your heart the whole time.

goth girl Stupid hat Wish I had the courage to just be myself.

There you are.

jock You might have all these idiots fooled, but I know you're still the same pathetic loser hiding behind a confident facade.

I know that because I'm doing the same thing, brother.

I'm not alone anymore!

jessica Hey, Morty.

Word around school is you've become super healthy.

morty I don't know about all that.

I do, however, know that I have a pretty bad case of haven't taken you to dinner-itis.

Might be fatal.

rick Hey, kids.

Uh, hope I'm not interrupting.

Morty, a moment of your time?

morty Happy to help, Rick.

rick I hate to bug you with this, but after our morning hike I started receiving very faint, highly unusual transmissions on my sub ether phone.


morty It's a bad phone. Chuck it. I downgraded to a clamshell for emergencies only.

You know, if if if something's worth saying, I-it's worth eye contact.

rick Uh, I-I-I traced the source of the call back to the spa we went to, Morty.

I thought I could hear a voice in there, so I enhanced it, a-and listen.

rick Hey, asshole!

morty Oh, man!

rick Remember us?

morty Oh, I don't like confrontation!

rick You [bleep] us, you pieces of garbage! That's right, you're [bleep] garbage, not us.

I'm a [bleep] genius and a god.

You really think this thing can hold me? I'm gonna rip your throat

rick Morty, what if the toxic parts of us have their own identities, their own will to live? W-What if mine shares my intelligence and devised a way to reach out to us? Sounds like he's in a lot of pain.




morty But, you know, you shouldn't have to deal with that, man.

You know, l-let's work off your trauma with some urban spin yoga.

It's amazing.

You do yoga on a bike, but you have an at-risk preteen

rick I don't think I can just blow this off, Morty.

If I had known it worked this way, I wouldn't have detoxed.

Well, I would have because I was toxic.

Now I'm detoxed and I'm accountable to my toxins, right?

I-It's a dilemma.

I think I know what to do.


morty Rick! You know, the only problem here is a big fat brain that misses eating all them big fat problems.

Focus on the good thing.

Trust me, things are good.

Taking that away from me that wouldn't be healthy.

Oh, man.

World's Greatest Grandpa, for reals.

It's not just a coffee cup for you, bud.

You're legit.


morty I love drums.

I never took drum lessons.

Why? Limitations.

We are addicted to our own limitations.

How amazing is that? Is the kale prepared in the kitchen? I'll have a water.

Uh How is the "cru-dite?"

waiter Crudité.

morty It's a cup of carrot sticks.

Ha! It's okay! Pronounce it however you want.

Words are just things.


Thank you.

We're having a conversation.

God, I am so excited to finally have dinner with you.

You know how long I've been waiting for this? It's like, whew! I-I-I wish you'd shut up, though.

Just kidding.

You know, you're so quiet.

What's wrong? W-Why don't you tell me about yourself? What's the atmosphere like on planet Jessica? Where's the equator, what are the vacations, a-and the holidays? I mean, you know, are they the same time? Talk to me.

jessica Well I like this restaurant.

morty Holy [bleep]! Holy [bleep]! We have a moron over here! I'm an idiot.

I can't believe I haven't thought of this.

You have to do this detox thing I did.

It's an alien spa, you go through it, fwoos-s-s-ssh, lasers, bwaa-bwaa-bwaa sucks everything out.

Everything that was holding me back, everything bad, I mean, it just Right?

jessica Cooooool.

Oh, my God! I can't believe this.

morty Yeah, phones are awful, I downgraded to I totally forgot my I have a thing, and Things are good.

You know what? Why am I doing that? That's more rude than the truth.

jessica Look, I'm sorry, Morty.

I just don't think

morty Do not.


You have no need to explain.

It's all good.

jessica I think you'd get bored with me.

morty E-Exactly.

Look, the sparks aren't flying.

This is what dating is for, you know? First date, no sparks.

No damage, no worries.

Life is a highway.

We're gonna ride it all night lonnngg! Gonna eat some "crudite.

" Mmm! Is this organic? Mmm.

All right.

You know, the evening continues.

Okay, here we go.

Ma'am, I'm afraid I have some bad news for you.

Your money's no good here.

I'll I'll get the next round, sir.

stacy Aren't you a child?

morty Only in the ways that matter.


stacy Stacy.

morty I've been watching you drink, Stacy.

I get the feeling you've got a hard job.

I wonder what it takes to please you.

That's the job I want Part time, full time, I want to be good at it, bad at it, I want to get promoted, fired, corner office, hostile takeover, workplace accident I'm on my knees, Stacy Praying, worshipping, begging, whatever you want.

What do you think about that?

stacy Okay.

morty [Bleep] it.


Mm! Let's ask my grandpa.

He's a scientist.

Hey, Rick, are you familiar with "benoi" technology?

rick Morty, great news.

I went back to the spa and they let me purchase the containment unit from their detoxifier.

morty Why?

rick Because we're coming home, bitch!

morty What is this?

rick This is the parts of your pussy grandpa that keep it real.

Oh oh, and I think you dropped something, too!

morty I don't want to be on camera.

I'm ugly and gross, please.

stacy Should I go?

morty You're your own person, Stacy.

stacy Then I'd like to stay.

morty Rick, please tell me you're not trying to put that stuff back inside of us.

rick Morty, I'm sorry.

That stuff is alive and it belongs with us.

We yanked them from their homes and locked them in a can.

Mother[bleep]! See? They're living in pain.

morty That's what they do, Rick, they live in pain.

They are pain, you know? They they're all the bad parts of us, which, by the way, includes our dishonesty, so how do you know this isn't all some sort of crazy trick?

rick Oh, so now because I'm made entirely of toxins I'm also a liar? [Bleep] you, you little sociopath.

You hear this, Morty?

morty Oh, everybody hates me.

I can tell.

Y-You all hate me

rick All right, shut up, Morty.

Healthy Rick, are we doing this or what?


Sorry, Morty.

I need you to step into the booth.

Don't negotiate with that little turd, dummy.

You're the Rick.

You need to show dominance.

Morty, booth, now.

Booth! Come on, Morty.

Don't touch me! Morty, do the healthy thing and voluntarily retoxify yourself.

Nooooo! Is it wrong if I think this is kind of hot? Let me out of here! Stacy, help! Open the door! I need to hear our safe word, Morty.

Sea Cucumber! Sea Cucumber! What are you doing? I'll do anything for you, Morty.

No! It worked! Yes! That idiot believed every word.

Now let's see how he enjoys living in that shit tank.

He's right behind me, isn't he? He's in front of you.


My eyes are still adjusting.

Uh, is this like a sex dungeon? I guess I should've been paying attention.

After 70 years of being bottled up inside a sentimental jackass, I finally get to live my own life.

You said we were merging.

I lied, dumbass! I lie about everything! Why would I ever re-merge with a pussy like you? So you were just gonna trap us in that tank? T-That was your plan? Not was, mother[bleep] still is.

Kill him, Rick! I don't like this! This is scary! All right, you asked for it.

Did I ask for this? Did I ask for this? Huh? Did I? Assessing threat to groin.

Groin System 6000.

Kill him! That is my groin's user.

Believe me, I got a lot more use out of that thing than he ever did.

You know what? Not my table.

You do know me.

What the hell, Grandpa Rick? [Bleep] you, Summer! Sorry, Summer! Okay, okay, take it easy.

Don't do it.

I love you.

Good boy.

Daddy's little boy.

Summer, get out of here! Go! Oh, who's that? Who's that over there? Oh, no.

You see the bad man in front of you? You're a good little boy, you're gonna get him.

You're gonna get him.

Ahh! Son of a Ahh! Nice try, asshole.

We can resolve our issues.

We don't need to resort to over-the-top Aah! I-I did it, Rick.

I got the tank! I-I'm a piece of [bleep], but I got the tank! You're going in that tank, mother[bleep].

You're gonna live in that toxic [bleep] wasteland like I had to do! Ahh! Ow! That's right, mother You're going in that [bleep] Dads? Okay, just Just leave her out of it.

What's going on? All right, [bleep] this.

Time for plan B If I can't trap you in a toxic world, I'll just make the whole world toxic.

It's okay, girls.

I-I'm so sorry I put us in danger with some of my behavior.

I-If you'd like I can go out in the g-garden, pick some fresh basil, and make us a nice Scallopini.

What did the booger version of you mean when he said he was going to make the whole world toxic? Believe me, sweetie, that man's motivations are a mystery.

Screw that, Rick.

We got to stop him.

What's the last thing you'd think about doing with that tank thing? Morty, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but it's not our place, you know, to pick and choose which world gets saved from what apocalypse.

Our our toxins have as much a right to their worldview as Morty, how is it healthy to slap me? Obviously my version of health is a hell of a lot different from yours, you useless old turd.


That's it.

How could that detox machine know the difference between healthy and sick for everything that goes through it? It can't.

It must be by the individual's own definition of toxicity.

That means Dad! What the What the hell, Rick? I'll explain on the way.

This "Moon Tower," Morty, is the perfect height and metallic composition for the amplification and beaming of toxic energies.

What do you think about that, Morty? Are you excited about that, Morty? Oh, man.

I'm just freaked out.

I-It's too high up here.

Once I flip this switch, the entire world is gonna be just as toxic as us, baby.

As we praise our loving Father God is a lie! We made him up for money! Santa Claus isn't real.

You were all mistakes! We [bleep] did it, Morty.

Put your [bleep] hands in the air.

Yeah, you little piece of [bleep].

Remember me? Didn't you learn last time that you can't beat me? Yeah, I did.

And then I learned something else.

- This.

- Ahh!! That bullet is laced with an encrypted nanobotic virus that will disintegrate your Morty in about, ah, 20 minutes.

You think I give a [bleep]? I know you give a [bleep], dummy.

Because I know I don't.

Here's another thing I know The decryption key that neutralizes the virus.

You want it? Come and get it.

Merge with me and you'll know how to save him.


Come on, man.

I've been trapped in your pussy brain for 70 years of delusions, but this is the all-time weakest bluff that I've ever Ow-Ohh!! Jesus Christ! What are you doing?! He's cutting your time in half.

10 minutes.

Ohh! It hurts! What is your problem? Oh, I had all my problems removed my entitlement, my narcissism, my crippling loneliness, my irrational attachments.

They must be somewhere.

They ain't over here, bro.

I'm not going back in there! Honestly, I don't care either way.

I hate having you in me.

And when I say "honestly" you can believe it, because we both know I'm too healthy to lie.


All right! Knock it off! You're not impressing anyone.

Morty, not that I give a [bleep], but are you okay? Jesus Christ, it hurts.

Relax, quit your bitching.

Y-You're gonna be fine.

Grandpa's here.

You think that's funny? Y-You got to have a sense of humor about these things.

Oh, wait, you can't.

You're literally incapable of seeing the bigger picture.

I guess it's just funny because you've never done anything but complain about me being in charge, but if I ever gave you the wheel we'd be dead in five minutes.

- Rick? - You poor, dumb, sick animal.

Rick? Ahh! Just do it! Just do it, you piece of I'm back, baby! Regular Rick! Master of both worlds! Check it it out! "Excuse me.

" Now we'll just reverse this hacky toxicity beam.

Man, I really over think shit when I'm angry.

Oh, give it to me.

Mm, ma-mah.

God is not a lie.

Mommy! Mommy! Ha! All right, Morty, now it's time we re-merge your little ass.

You're a better man than me, Rick.

I'm healthy enough to admit that! That kid is a real piece of [bleep].

Y-Y-You're gonna save me, right? Part of me wanted to, Toxic Morty.

Part of me really wanted to.

I'm telling you, these shares are hot.


That sounds like a good idea.

It's definitely a good idea.

Duane, Duane, Duane, I get it, now can you get me? Have I ever lied to you? That's right, and ask around, I never do, Duane.

Let me put this real simple.

This stock is a beautiful redhead, recently single, not looking to date but ready to fall in love, and fate has put her locker two down from yours, Duane Two lockers down.

So step up or step off, Duane.

Blue pill or red pill, what'll be, bro? Totally understand, Duane.

You're the boss.

Hainholz Biotech Million and a half at thirty-three.


You little [bleep] monster.

Mmm! Is this organic? Mmm! Go for Morty.

Hi, Morty.

It's Jessica.

Look, can we just talk for a minute? Is that how long it takes for Rick to trace my location? Come back, Morty.

I miss you.

You miss the old me.

You miss someone that loved you so much you never had to love 'em back.

How do you know I don't want to love you? Because I'm not sick.

Ex-girlfriend? Should I be jealous? There's nothing to be jealous of.

I just realized that I'm scheduled to speak at that fundraiser on our date night.

I can cancel.

We'll be together.

That's a date.

You are the perfect man.

Oh, sweetie, I think you hit the wrong button.

You didn't hang up.


How 'bout that? Sorry, tiny American Psycho, time to take the opposite of your medicine.

Do what you got to do.

Oh! Ow! Ahh! So, how do you feel, Morty? Ah, geez.

I'm miserable.

Am I good or what? I guess it's worth it, though, to know how much you care.

Care? Me? Morty, I'm fine with you.

I only did this for him.

You lying bitch.

She kept coming to our house, Morty, and kept asking me.

"Did did d-did you get a new Morty yet?" Because you kept drunk dialing me and crying about it.

I wasn't crying! Jacquelyn, I I-I-I wasn't who I said I was.

You weren't a 14-year-old boy from the Midwest who ran away from his family and capitalized on his lack of conscience by becoming a stock broker? Oh.

I guess I was pretty up front about that, wasn't I? You were up front about everything.

You were my soul mate.

Well N Not anymore.

I'll, um Y-You can keep the apartment, and and and, uh the drones.

She can't keep the drones.

They turn into a little Voltron robot.

They're awesome.

You can't keep the drones.

So, how was your date with Brad? It wasn't a date.

We were just having lunch.

You guys are getting back together, aren't you? Morty, I need your help on an adventure.

Eh, "need" is a strong word.

We need door stops, but a brick would work, too.



Good to have you back.

Have you ever been peed on before? Oh, my God.


Hey, did you ever want to hold a terrifold? I got one right here Grab my terri-flap Squeeze it Grab it, squeeze it Tug on my terri-flap Hey, I want to take you to The terrifold dance Wanna come with me? You can grab my holdie-folds Squeeze 'em tight You son of a bitch Suck my holdie-flappy folds Lick my flappy foldie-holes My terri-flaps in your mouth Suck my flaps, you piece of shit Whoo Although only a handful of moon towers remain today, they were popular in the late 19th century.

An entire town could be illuminated by What the hell is this? Sea Cucumber! Sea Cucumber!! Did you get any of that?

Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope1977Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi1983

Auto Erotic Assimilation

Author(s): Justin Roiland

Transcriber/Editor(s): D. Lint

Date Aired: 2015-08-09

Reference Name(s): Invasion of the Body Snatchers

Reference Date(s): 1956

Open Ext. Rick's Ship in flying through a planet's rings (Morty is in the backseat, Summer is in the starboard seat, Rick is driving)

All : (singing) Love. Connection. Experience.

(Morty claps)

Rick : Yeah Morty

All : (singing) Come together. With love. connection, experience! [laughter]

Rick : It's my favourite song

Morty : Hahahahaha, yeah

(distress beacon alert chimes)

Rick : Oh yeah, distress beacon! [belches] Yeah baby!

Morty : You're excited about that?

Rick : The first rule of space travel kids, is always check out distress beacons; nine out of ten times its a ship full of dead aliens and a bunch of free shit!

[Rick makes a sharp turn] In unison

Morty : Whoa!

Summer : Whoa!

end unison

Rick : One out of ten times its a deadly trap, but I'm ready to roll those dice!

[Trans. flying toward S.S. Independence] [Trans. Rick, Morty, and Summer entering corridor]

Summer : Seems like something terrible happened here.

Rick : Yeah. Cha-ching. Oh yeah, if you find a room full of eggs, don't shy away from it, give one of them a shake. Those facehuggers are worth more than this ship.

(Rick is spray-painting a symbol on a closed door)

Morty : Uh, what's that?

Rick : This will make the cops write it up as a looting by the Korblocks.

Summer : That's horrible!

Rick : I hear you man, cops are racist.

(A door behind them opens with six crewmembers)

Rick : Oh, hey! You're alive! Thank God.

Female Alien : Can you help us? Our planet was taken over by some kind of [pauses] entity! It absorbed the minds of our people!

Male Alien 1: We didn't notice until it was too late. The people it takes over, they look like your friends, your family, your leaders, but they're not, themselves any more; They're part of It.

Rick : And how do you know it didn't get on the ship with you? Those two ding-dongs seem pretty calm about the whole thing.

(Two male aliens are calm and not panting and standing apart from the other four) (They screech after Rick points at them)

Male Alien with glasses: Hey! No, no- uurgh!

(Morty screams. The other four are assimilated)

Rick : Called it.

All six aliens together : Hello Rick. Long time no see.

Rick : Unity!?

Morty : Rick?

Summer : Grandpa?

Rick : Oh boy. Uh, these are my grandkids, Summer and Morty. Summer, Morty, this is uh, Unity. We sort of used to, uh, date.

[intro credits begin] [Scene's of life on Unity's planet are shown; S.S. Independence lands]

Rick : Quite an operation you got going here Une. You're a whole planet now huh?

Unity (Administrator) : After we broke up, I spend some time wandering through space,

Unity (Thin suited man) : then I found this world,

Large suited man : where I was better able to focus on my passion for unification.

Summer : You mean stealing peoples’ bodies?

Rick : Summer, rude. Why don't you kids run off and play with Unity while Unity and I do some catching up.

(four aliens come over to Morty and Summer put a hand on their shoulders)

Summer : Ugh.

Morty : Wait! Rick, aren't these people going to barf into our mouths and absorb us?

Administrator : You're guests here on my planet, you're free to be yourselves; I've never been good at disappointing Rick.

Summer : Well now I'm going to barf. Come on Morty.

[Trans. to garage; Jerry is rooting through shelves]

Beth : Jerry, what are you- what are you doing in here?

Jerry : I’m trying to find our weed whacker, ‘cause our weeds are wack, yo.

Beth : But you can’t go in the garage when Rick’s not here.

Jerry : I can’t?

Beth : Well, he doesn’t like it.

Jerry : What’s he gonna do, crash rent-free at his other family’s house?

Beth : What is that supposed to mean?

(Jerry stands up and turns to face Beth)

Jerry : Your dad gets to walk all over us because of your abandonment issues! He’s playing you, shorty.

Beth : Oh, stop affecting that stupid hip-hop dialect!

Jerry : Stop shifting the crosshairs to my ironic urban patois just because your relationship with your father is toe-up from the flow-up.

(Gurgling sounds come from below. Beth and Jerry look around)

Jerry : What the hell was that?

Beth : (whispering) I don’t know, let’s just leave!

(More gurgling. Jerry removes the mat to reveal a hatch in the floor.)

Jerry : That is a hatch! Your father put a hatch in my garage!

Beth : You don’t know it was him! [pauses] Anyway, we’re not supposed to be in here!

Jerry : Obviously, neither is whatever’s gurgling down there.

(Gurgling) [Trans. to Unity’s planet: Rick is approaching a news stand]

Rick : World peace achieved. Nice! A little weird to publish a paper about it for yourself, but hey. So what’s next?

Newsagent : After I become a type-one civilisation, this world will be invited into the Galactic Federation.

Rick : Oh, goody.

(As Rick walks, Unity switches between people nearby to have a flawless conversation without having to stop what they’re doing)

Customer : From there I’ll have access to countless planets and species.

Pedestrian : One by one, I will unify them, I will become the universe, and I will be what the single-minded once called a god.

Rick : [burps] I like that. Oh, that’s pretty sexy. Hey listen, where can I get a drink around here?

Old woman : Recreational substances were phased out here. There’s no need for escape from the self when your world is one.

Rick : Unity, Unity, who am I talking to? I watched you assimilate a whole police station just to get your hands on the evidence locker.

Worker : Rick, when we met I was a young hivemind with the population of a small town. People… change.

Busker : Especially when I change them. I’m sorry to disappoint you, but… I’ve grown.

Rick : Hey, listen, I’ve grown too. I have! See, I’ve- I’ve reconnected with my family, right?

Police officer : Hm, why is that I wonder?

Rick : Maybe it’s part of getting old. Maybe I just miss being with… a collective.

(Rick and Unity start kissing. A crowd forms around them)

Crowd : Yes Rick! Yes! Yes!

Rick : Oh yeah!

Crowd : Yes! Yes!

Rick : Wait, wait, stop! H-Hold it! Not like this. We need a hang glider. And a crotchless Uncle Sam costume. And I want the entire field of your largest stadium covered end to end with naked redheads! And I want the stands packed with every man that remotely resembles my father!

[Trans. to a mountain being carved into the shape of Morty and Summer’s heads. Morty and Summer are being fanned and eating hamburgers]

Morty : Look at ‘em go! So coordinated! What’s your problem? They’re making you into a Mount Rushmore! They made burgers!

Summer : Morty, open your eyes! There is no they! These poor people’s’ bodies are being used! They’re a planet of puppets!

Fan holder : I can hear you.

Summer : Ugh!

Morty : Well, seems like everybody here’s cool with it. Except for all those redheads. They seem like they’re in a hurry to be somewhere else.

Clown : Balloon, Summer? Balloon, Morty?

Summer : No, we don’t want your dumb balloons. We’re bored. Take us back to Rick.

Clown : Now’s… not a good time.

[Trans. to Rick in a hang glider and Uncle Sam costume, flying towards a stadium]

Rick : Oh yeah! I want youuuuuu!

Stadium : Go son go! Go son go! Go son go!

[Trans. to Earth: Jerry and Beth are looking down the hatch, which is open]

Jerry : Oh! Real nice! Real nice! How does a man do this without me noticing?

Beth : Oh, you know my dad. Once he puts his mind to something…

Jerry : You’re spinning this to his credit?


Jerry : I’m going down there.

Beth : Jerry!

Jerry : Beth, this is my house, which makes this my garage, my secret hatch, my hidden subterranean lair, and my faceless gargler. Now, are you going to keep hating this playa, or are you gonna jack my steed?

Beth : Okay, you’re just making stuff up now.

[Trans. to Rick, who’s walking out in a bathrobe, panting, to applause]

Rick : Oh my god. Oh my god. [Drinks water]

Redheads : Oh Rick, it was so bad.

Rick : What’s this ‘was’ stuff? I just need to hydrate and then we’re doing that again!

(Beta-7’s spaceships arrive from skyward)

Redheads : Oh damn.

Rick : Listen, if this is an invasion I gotta sit this one out, but I’ll- I’ll be back to have sex with the survivors.

Redheads : It’s a neighboring hivemind species, Beta-7. Our planet’s maintained a practical alliance for exchange of vital resources. (whispering) So be nice!

Beta-7 : Unity. [pauses] Is it a… bad time? Are all… present lifeforms… assimilated?

Man With glasses : Beta-7, this is my single-minded friend from Earth, Rick.

Beta-7 : Rick… Sanchez. Unity has spoken of you.

Rick : All bad I hope. [laughing]

(Rick laughs and puts his hand on the lead Beta-7’s shoulders. All Beta-7 assimilated scream and point at Rick)

Rick : Whoa, Jesus Christ!

Redheads : Beta-7, if my allies are a problem for you perhaps our alliance is as well.

Beta-7 : Our alliance is beneficial. When Beta-7 expresses concern it- it’s only … be-because…

Rick : Oh snap! Powdered neutronium? Amphetetron? You know what I can make with this stuff?

Redheads : Oh… Rick, I- I shouldn’t...

Rick : Come on, it’s not every day that I’m in town! It- it’s for old time’s sake.

Redheads : Uh… Okay, what the hell! We can purify the resin and make fractal dust!

Rick : Oh, I was thinking velocitinis, but…

Unity : Aww, old man Rick can’t party with the whole planet?

(Both laugh)

Rick : I can do whatever you do and more, baby.

Beta-7 : Hrmm…

(Beta-7 leaves)

Rick : You know, I think Beta-7 over there is hoping your alliance can be more than practical.

(Both laugh) [Trans. To Rick’s underground lair. Jerry is searching with a flashlight.]

Jerry : Well, this explains the six thousand dollar electric bill.

(Both see Blim Blam chained up to a wall and yell)

Blim Blam : [Gurgling]

Jerry : Well. Nice. Real nice. Alien prisoners under the house. Real nice. Nice. Reeeal-

Beth : Goddamn it, stop.

[Trans. to Unity’s planet, Summer is in the street on a soapbox with a megaphone]

Summer : Wake up people! You have to fight it! You’re under the spell of an evil monster!

Man with glasses : I can hear you.

Summer : Yeah! So you keep saying!

(She starts slapping the man)

Morty : Summer!

Summer : Wake up! You have to have some individuality left in there!

Steven Phillips : Why do you hate me, Summer?

Summer : I’m not talking to you! I’m talking to…

(She reaches into his pocket and grabs his wallet, and flips over to his license)

Summer : ...Steven Phillips! Steven! Set yourself free!

Steven Phillips : Summer, before I took over this planet, this man was a registered sex offender.

Summer : ...Yeah, well so what? At least he was himself.

Marine Biologist : This woman was a drug addict on the verge of suicide. Now she’s a marine biologist.

Morty : Listen Unity, I don’t think my sister’s trying to say that life would be perfect without you. I think she’s just saying that life would be… you know, life.

Old man : I have transformed life here into a paradise. Prostitutes are now scientists. The homeless are now phisosophers.

Summer : Oh, phi- phisosophers?

Old man : Philophiluh… phiphophibup...

Summer : Oh my god. Where did you learn to talk you grandpa-stealing slut?

Old man : I’m feeling… urk!

(The man falls down and vomits. All other assimilated in the area follow suit.)

Morty : Oh man! Let me help all of you guys up!

All : I’m fine!

[Trans. to penis-shaped house. Various assimilated are dancing. Rick is on the couch drinking]

Administrator : Do you know what I love about you, Rick? You’re the only single mind I’ve met who really sees the big picture.

Rick : You got that right. But… baby, listen. Y-you’re talking about taking over planets and galaxies, you gotta… you gotta just… remember to let go sometimes, you know.

Administrator : I can let go! Hey, look! You see that town across the river? Watch this.

(Planes fly past and bomb the town, blowing it all up)

Rick : Whoa!

Administrator : Ha ha! Woot!

Rick : Whoa! That’s not what I meant!

Administrator : [laughing] It’s okay! It’s okay, I evacuated! I evacuated the town, look!

Townspeople : Hey! Right here! We’re fine!

Rick : [laughing] Oh, that was awesome! My grandkids weren’t in that town, right? A-are my grandkids alive? … H-hey, my drink is empty.

[Trans. to street. More assimilated are dancing, though they’re falling over and puking. Vehicles crash. Morty and Summer are running and almost get crushed by falling beams.]

Morty and Summer: Aah!

Summer : Unity, what’s happening?

Steven Phillips : Who’s Unity? You kids have nice feet. Mind if I take a picture?

Summer : Gross, no!

(He takes a picture anyway and wanders off)

Morty : I think you’re getting what you wanted, Summer. Something’s happening to Unity.

Summer : Do… all of you remember who you are?

Ron Benson : ...Yeah. My name is Ron Benson. I’m… an electrical engineer. Father of two, and as you can see from my flat concentric nipple rings, I’m a member of this planet’s top race! [opens shirt to reveal ring nipples]

Summer : Okay, that’s good! Uh… Don’t focus too much on the last part, but...

Daryl Jefferson : I’m Daryll Jefferson. I’m a landscaper. And I’ll be damned if that ripple-nipple bitch’s race is superior! [removes shirt] The cone-nipple people will rule this world!

Ron Benson : You shut your mouth, you dirty knife-nipple bastards!

Daryl Jefferson : What’d you say to me, you target-chested piece of shit?

Alien Man : Race war!

(The crowd breaks out into fighting)

Summer : Why are you fighting? Can’t you see you’re all the same?

Morty : Ah, Summer. Ha ha. First race war, huh?

Morty : Way to go, Summer. You started a race war.

Summer : I didn’t start it! They’re the racists! I… I merely empowered them to follow their apparently misguided dreams!

Morty : Okay, thanks for clarifying! Y- I’ll have a super accurate headstone now!

Rioter : Hey wait, what race are you guys?

Morty : [pulling up shirt] We’re neither! S-see?

Summer : Yeah, take my word for it. We just have regular nipples.

Rioter : Hey! These two freaks have no race!

(Morty and Summer run, and get chased by a gang of rioters, before getting cornered against a wall)

Morty : Oh, there’s no place like home! There’s no place like home! Remember, Summer?

Summer : Oh…

(The two hug)

Morty : From Dorothy and The Tiny People movie?

Summer : O-oh, yes, yes yes…

Morty : All the tiny people?

Summer : Dorothy, take us away! Take us away!

(As the rioters get closer, Unity (SWAT) drops in and surrounds the two, pushing the rioters back. An assimilated drops down and pulls the two into a hovercopter)

SWAT : Hello Summer. Hello Morty.

Pilot : It’s okay! You’re safe now.

Morty : U-Unity?

SWAT : Yes.

Summer : Oh, Unity I am so sorry. I didn’t know freedom meant people doing stuff that sucks! I was thinking more of… a choose-your-own-cellphone-carrier thing.

Pilot : Oh, Summer, you did nothing wrong! I’m having fun with your grandpa! Lost a little control. Probably shouldn’t be piloting a hovercopter, nor should I be… running two hundred thousand pediatric hospitals and twelve million deep friers, but hey! It’s not like this planet can take its business elsewhere!

Morty : Um… should we maybe stop somewhere and get you a coffee? Maybe splash a little water on your face, or…?

Pilot : No, no, if I wanted to be sober, I wouldn’t have gotten drunk! Wooohoooo!

[Trans. to Rick’s underground lair. Blim Blam is chained up, Beth and Jerry are arguing]

Jerry : Oh man. I cannot wait. I cannot wait to hear Rick explain his way around this. He is gone!

Beth : Jerry, stop! Please, okay, we weren’t even supposed to be down here. If we confront him about this-

Jerry : Oh my god! I love this! I love that this is how far you will go for him. You wanna go upstairs, and cut carrots, and watch a lifetime original, above a fucking alien dungeon! Your relationship with your father is psychotic!

Beth : Oh listen to you relish the idea that my genius father is a bad person! Step out of your ego for a second and look at this thing! It’s a monster! He might have it chained up so that it doesn’t eat the planet!

Jerry : Right, because your father’s such an altruist? I once saw him briefly forget the word for humans! He’s probably harvesting this creature’s organs!

Beth : He’s probably racing to cure its space aids!

Jerry : He’s going to eat it!

Beth : He’s protecting it!

Blim Blam : [Gurgles]

In unison

Jerry :Shut up!

Beth :Shut up!

End unison [Trans. to penis-shaped house, now on fire. Summer and Morty enter.]

Summer : Unity! This place is a mess!

Administrator : Oh, it’s cool! The part of me that’s the cleaning lady is coming on Friday. [gasps] Oh my god! I have a meeting at the galactic federation in an hour. Oh, I’ll never make it! Ah, I’ll push it to next week.

Morty : Unity, could you get Rick out here please?

Administrator : He’s… unavailable! He’s-

Summer : Having sex with you, we get it! Gross. Get him out here now.

Administrator : I don’t think he wants to be-

Summer : (shouting) Grandpa Rick!

Morty : (shouting) Rick! Rick!

Summer : (shouting) I’m gonna tell mom and dad about the gagoo you have locked up under the garage!

(Rick stumbles out, topless, wearing an ammunition belt, a mexican hat and pants, a fake moustache and clutching a bottle of beer)

Rick : What the hell… is your problem?

Summer : Grandpa, we need to go home! Now!

Rick : Fine, geez!

(He opens a portal)

Rick : See ya!

Morty : Uh, Rick? I think we should all go.

Rick : Tend your garden, kids, I’m kinda doing a thing here.

(He puts his arms around two assimilated, who cheer and laugh)

Summer : Grandpa Rick, we’re not leaving without you!

Rick : Oh my god [belches] you guys I get it. You’re afraid the big bad hivemind is gonna steal your grandpa away.

Summer : Actually, no. I think Unity’s great and you’re a horrible influence on it!

Rick : What?

Morty : This isn’t healthy, Rick! Y- you know you-you’re really up to no good around here. I-at-at this place, you know?

Summer : You and Unity are like… like… leggings and mid-calf boots. You think you’re great together but you’re just bringing out the worst in each other!

Rick : Oh, gee, boy Summer, well put. Uh, why don’t we see what Unity thinks. Unity?

Shades guy : I’m just taking a little break from stuff. You know? I need to relax.

Rick : Oh, hey, wh-what’s this on the news, guys? L-l-let me turn it up.

Todd : In the news today, this looks a lot worse than it is. We’re… really just having a good time. Karen?

Karen : Thanks, Todd. Up next: Are you a concerned grandchild or just a buzzkill? We’ll tell you how you can really know for sure!

Rick : I think you two are a little outnumbered.

Summer : Okay! Well, what if you did it for me? What if you came with us as a favour to us… because you love us?

Rick : What? Dumb. Bye.

Morty : But Rick, Summer’s just-

Rick : Summer’s just a hyper-emotional, needy little- what’s the word I’m looking for here… uh- human! It runs in the family! I can tolerate it but I can’t give a crap about it. Take a hike.

Summer : Take care of yourself, Unity.

(Summer and Morty leave through the portal)

Rick : I’m not looking for judgement, just a yes or no. Can you assimilate a giraffe?

[Trans. back to Beth and Jerry]

Beth : You’re the worst!

Jerry : No! You’re the worst! You don’t support this family!

(The two start yelling over the top of one another)

Jerry : All you care about is yourself!

Beth : You think supporting the family is about supporting you emotionally...

Jerry : You’ve got two children being dragged across the cosmos...

Beth : ...but you’re unsupportable! Because it’s never enough, Jerry!

Jerry : your dangerously ill father, and you force me to watch it happen!

Beth : It will never be enough support to satisfy you! And you don’t even know what it’s like…

Jerry : Because you’d rather lose them and lose me than lose him!

Beth : …to be afraid of losing anything because you cling and you cling and you cling…

Jerry : And why? Because you’re the child, Beth. You, not me, you!

(Blim Blam gurgles angrily and breaks free)

Jerry : Aaah!

Beth : Oh my god!

(Both back away. Jerry puts his arm protectively in front of Beth. Blim Blam moves past them and breaks into a cabinet, before pulling out an object and pointing it at the two like a gun)

Beth and Jerry: Aah!

(Blim Blam pushes the object into his neck)

Blim Blam : Um, first of all, hello. Uh, my name is Blim Blam the korblok. Second of all, cards on the table: I am a murderer that eats babies and I came to this planet to eat babies. However, I am also carrying a highly infectious disease, that I suppose you could call ‘space aids’ as you put it, and Rick did chain me up so that he could attempt to cure it. At the same time, Rick’s motivation to cure my disease was not to save my life or anyone else’s, but to patent and sell the cure for billions of blemflarks. But you know the reason why I ripped my chains out of the wall? And do you know why I’m never coming back to this planet? Because the two of you are the fucking worst! You both hate yourselves and each other! And the idea that it has anything to do with Rick is laughable! I’d laugh but I’m biologically incapable, that’s how alien I am! And even I’m sitting here listening to the two of you, and being like, what the fuck! So! Good luck with your shitty marriage, and I’m sorry that Rick has to deal with either of you. Blim Blam, out!

(He drops the translator and leaves, but quickly rushes back to pick it up again)

Blim Blam : You know what? I’m taking this.

[Trans. to garage. Summer and Morty have returned. Blim Blam pushes at the garage door but can’t open it]

Blim Blam : How do you- what is this?

(Morty activates the garage door opener)

Blim Blam : Uh, is there a slow setting? Best door ever.

(He leaves, flipping the two off with a penis-shaped finger) [Trans. to Rick, who’s on the couch watching TV surrounded by several assimilated]

Rick : Aaah! [coughs] Okay, okay, now make him cry. But happy cry. Now make ‘em all make fun of the blonde one. Now make ‘em all do it on the table! I can’t believe you created a whole show for me. Now cancel it! Okay, now put it back on. Haha! [pauses] Alright, I’m bored.

Administrator : Rick, is there a way for you to call Summer and Morty? I feel bad that they-

Rick : Pfft, screw those guys! Uugh, I’ll be right back. Don’t waste your brain on those weirdos, Unity. They’re no different from any other aimless chumps that you occupy. They just put you at the centre of their lives because you’re powerful and then because they put you there they want you to be less powerful. Never gonna happen though, right?

All : Never.

Rick : Never! Back in a flash.

(Rick goes into the bathroom, and washes his hands and face)

Rick : Best weekend ever, Rick! I agree, Rick! Let’s see how long we can go!

(He goes back into the main room. Unity has disappeared, but there are letters everywhere)

Rick : Hey Une! You got any more-

(He picks up a note and reads it. Unity talks in a voiceover, using the voices of different assimilated for each part)

Unity (voiceover) : Rick, forgive me for doing this in notes. I’m not strong enough to do it in persons.

(Rick starts wandering around town. The entire town is fil'led with letters. He picks up to read some as he goes)

Unity (voiceover) : I realise now that I’m attracted to you for the same reason I can’t be with you. You can’t change. And I have no problem with that, but… it clearly means I have a problem with myself.

Unity (voiceover) : I’m sure there’s no perfect version of me. I’m sure I’ll just unify species after species and never really be complete.

Unity (voiceover) : But I know how it goes with us. I lose who I am and become part of you. Because in a strange way you’re better at what I do without even trying. Yours, and nobody else’s, Unity. P.S. I don’t know where those coal miners were before they got assimilated. You might want to get checked.

[Trans. to the Smiths watching TV in the living room. Rick enters from the left]

Rick : Hey.

Beth : Dad… [clears throat] I… um… Jerry and I were looking for our weed whacker, and found your subterranean lair… and your alien prisoner. And… he got away. And I know I sound like mom but I can’t sacrifice this whole family’s safety just because I’m afraid you’ll leave again, so no more alien prisoners, and, no more subterranean excavation without consulting us.

Rick : Okay.

Beth : ...Okay? Y-y-y-y-Okay like you’re gonna quietly teleport somewhere and never come back?

Rick : No. It’s your house.

Summer : Grandpa Rick! What happened… with Unity?

Rick : Who? Oh. Unity. Yeah, well, I mean honestly we’re talking about an entity that thrives on enslavement, you know. It’s not cool. Fun’s fun but who needs it? I’ll be in the garage.

(“Do you feel it?” by Chaos Chaos starts playing in the background. Rick enters the garage, looking depressed, and drains his flask before throwing it away. Then he pulls out two bulbs and puts together a metal contraption on the desk. He pulls a frozen alien creature out of the drawers and brings it to life with a flask of chemicals, strokes it while it shrieks helplessly, and drinks the rest of the chemicals. He puts one of the bulbs into the contraption and sticks the alien under it, disintegrating it with a blast of energy, then replaces the bulb and repeats the process with his own head. At the last second, he falls unconscious, dodging the killing blast. The screen zooms out through the open garage door, showing Rick slumped still on the desk through the night and into the morning, even as Jerry shows up, happily weeding the garden and the driveway without noticing Rick.) [Credits] [After Credits scene: Rick’s spaceship is outside Beta-7’s main ship. Rick is driving, with Morty in the passenger seat]

Rick : Unity! Unity! Unity!

(A transmission comes in from Beta-7)

Beta-7 : How can I assist you?

Rick : I wanna talk to [belches] Unity. Beta-7, I know it’s in there!

Beta-7 : You’re classified as a hostile entity, and Unity doesn’t want to talk to you.

Rick : I know your game, Beta-7, I’ve met a billion of you, you little on-deck in-the-wind shoulder to cry on!

Beta-7 : You are classified as a hostile entity.

Rick : Well, you’re just loving this, mother f- this isn’t gonna shape out like you think, pal! Unity’s not into other hiveminds! It’s gonna suck you in and use you up and a month from now I’m going to be making out with all of you in a bunch of red wigs! Unity! Unity! Unity, I know you can hear me! Get out here!

Beta-7 : Weapons systems engaged.

Rick : Oh, in your dreams you have weapons systems.

Morty : Ugh, Rick, you said we were going to a movie.

Rick : We are, Morty. Alright, Beta-shit-7, you just got saved by the bell, bitch!

[Episode end] Invasion of the Body Snatchers1956

Mortynight Run

Author(s): Justin Roiland

Transcriber/Editor(s): D. Lint

Date Aired: 2015-08-02

Reference Name(s): Midnight Run

Reference Date(s): 1988

[Open Ext. Rick's Ship in Outer Space] (Morty drives, Rick sits in the passenger seat, and Jerry is in the back.)

Rick Learning to fly this thing, Morty, it's gonna be really liberating. Y-Y-You’re gonna be free to go on all kinds of errands for me.

Morty Cool.

Rick *points out the window* See that planet right there? Don’t fly too close to that planet. Someone’ll come out and try to wash your windshield. (Rick’s phone rings.) Hold on. *picks up* Yup. Yeah, I have it. Where do you wanna meet? Alright, cool. *hangs up* Alright Morty, lesson’s over. We got some business to attend to a few lightminutes south of here.

Jerry Oh, you still use ‘south’ in space?

Rick *startled* WHOA! Jesus, Jerry, what the hell are you doing here?!

Jerry What are you talking about? We agreed a boy’s father should be present when he’s learning to drive.

Rick I guess I remember that. *rubs forehead* Wow. And you’ve just been back there this whole time? Amazing. Well we don’t have time to take him to Earth, Morty. Head for 3124-917.

Jerry *chuckles* Cool! Looks like I’m comin’ along for an adventure!

Rick Yep.

[Trans. Empty space]

Morty This is where we’re going?

Rick Nope. (An asteroid-like mass materializes before them.) This is. You can park in a handicapped spot, Morty. Anything with less than eight limbs is considered disabled here.

(Morty parks clumsily.) [Trans. Int. Jerryboree] (Human Music plays in the lobby as Rick signs Jerry in.)

Jerry-Sitter : Well look at this fella. *pinches Jerry’s cheek* Aren’t you handsome?

Jerry Thank you! I’m Jerry. *extends hand*

Jerry-Sitter : *as if speaking to a child* Oh, I know you are. Did you come here in a spaceship?

(She guides Jerry through a set of doors.)

Jerry I’m travelling with my son and father-in-law. Uh, wait, are they coming?

Jerry-Sitter : Oh, they’ll be back soon.

Jerry What?

(A set of sliding doors open, revealing a room full of Jerrys from different dimensions.)

Pajama Jerry : I don’t know how this works!

Underpants Jerry : Help me!

Jerry What the hell?

Pajama Jerry : I know, right?

Tuxedo Jerry : *enters room* Oh, what the hell?

Jerry I know, right?

[Trans. Jerryboree Lobby]

Morty *looking at a pamphlet* Jerryboree? You created a daycare for my dad?

Rick You kidding? I wish I had this idea. Well… I did have this idea, but I wish I was the version of me that owned it. That guy’s rich.

Receptionist : Don’t forget to check the reason for your drop-off.

Rick *checks off “Stowaway” and “Annoying me”* Trust me Morty, I’ve heard stories from other Ricks. Jerrys don’t tend to last five minutes off of Earth. This is a totally unregistered cross-temporal asteroid. Here they can romp and play with other Jerrys. It couldn’t be safer.

(As they walk out, Rick hands Morty a ticket.)

Rick Hey Morty, hang onto this. That number’s your dad. If you lose it, we’re not gonna be able to get him back.

[Intro sequence] [Trans. Parking garage] (Morty parks the ship clumsily, damaging nearby vehicles.)

Rick Okay, wait here.

Morty I wanna come with.

Rick Don’t come with. It’s boring, it’s *burps* business stuff.

Morty What kinda business do you do in a garage? You know, this seems a little shady.

Rick Right, like nothing shady ever happened in a fully furnished office? You ever hear about Wall Street Morty? Y-You know what those guys do in th—in their fancy board rooms? They take their balls, and they dip ‘em in cocaine, and they wipe ‘em all over each other. You know, Grandpa goes around, and he does his business in public because Grandpa isn’t shady.

(Krombopulos Michael knocks on Rick’s window.)

Rick Ah, crap. *rolls down window* Hey, what’s up?

Krombopulos Michael : Hey, Rick! Haha! Here you go, three thousand Flurbos! D’you have the weapon?

Rick Can… Can we please…? This is my grandson, Morty.

Krombopulos Michael : Well hi Morty! I’m Krombopulos Michael! I’m an assassin. I buy guns from your grandpa.

Rick Ugh. *passes Krombopulos Michael a case containing the antimatter gun* Here, now go away.

Krombopulos Michael : *examines weapon* Ooh, yeah, this looks deadly. So this shoots antimatter? My target can’t be killed with regular matter. Nice to meet you, Morty! Listen, if you ever need anybody murdered, *passes Morty his card* please give me a call. I’m very discrete—

Rick Y-Y-Y-You’re gonna give him your card?!

Krombopulos Michael : I have no code of ethics, I will kill anyone, anywhere! Children, animals, old people, doesn’t matter. I just love killin’!

(Krombopulos Michael leaves.)

Morty …You sell weapons to killers for money?

Rick Ugh… You’ve got what the intergalactic call a very planetary mindset, Morty. It’s more complicated out here! These are Flurbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with three thousand of these?

Morty Uh, what?

Rick An entire afternoon at Blips and Chiiiitz!

[Trans. Blips and Chitz]

Rick Aw, this place is the best. It’s got beer, games, prizes, and you can never tell what time it is.

Morty You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games?

Rick Yeah, sure, if you spend all day shuffling words around you can make anything sound bad, Morty. *puts a helmet on Morty’s head* Here, check this out.

(Morty’s eyes roll back into his head.) [Trans. Roy’s room]

Roy : Ah!

(Roy wakes up, frightened and panting.)

Roy’s mother : Roy, what’s wrong?

Roy : I…had a nightmare. I was with an old man… He put a helmet on me.

Roy’s mother : It’s just a fever. Get some sleep, I don’t want you missing school on Monday. *walks out of the room and switches off the lights*

[Trans. Roy’s school]

Teacher : I want you kids to look around you today and think about your future. (Roy looks outside and sees kids playing with a football. He smiles.) Now is the time in your life when anything is possible.

[Trans. Football game] (Roy is now older, and a football player.)

Announcer : Spiraling perfectly, it’s gonna be caught by Roy Parsons! Roy Parsons is at the 20! (Roy makes eye contact with a girl in the stands.) Now he’s at the 10! Nothing can stop Roy the Rocket! Touchdown!

[Trans. Roy’s kitchen] (Roy is older, now married to the girl from the football game with a young son. They’re eating dinner.)

Roy’s wife : I just think it’s time to get realistic. Have you talked to my father about the carpet store? Roy?

[Trans. Carpet store] (Roy now works at the carpet store. He gets a call from his doctor.) [Trans. Doctor’s office]

Doctor : Had we caught it sooner… Well, hindsight is 20-20, Roy. What’s important is that we move quickly.

[Trans. Hospital room] (Roy is battling cancer. His wife, older, sits with him.)

Roy : I’m not…ready to die…

Roy’s wife : *takes his hand* You’re not going to.

[Trans. Roy’s house] (Roy survived surgery. His wife wheelchairs him into the house, where friends and relatives applaud his entry. A streamer reads “CANCER CAN’T BEAT THE ROCKET”) [Trans. Carpet store] (Roy is older still, now greying and wearing glasses.)

Customer : Hey, thanks for the carpet, Roy.

(Roy shakes his hand, then sits and looks fondly at a trophy that reads “World’s Greatest Dad.”)

Voice : *shouting from off screen* Hey Roy, you pull those Persian off-white shags for the clearance sale?

(Roy gets up and steps onto a short ladder to retrieve the rugs. He loses his balance.)

Roy : Whoa. Sh-shit! Shit!

(He hits the ground and dies. Text reads “GAME OVER”.) [Trans. Blips and Chitz] (Morty regains consciousness and removes the helmet, frightened and confused.)

Morty Whoa! What the hell?! Wha—Where am I?! What the hell?!

Rick Fifty-five years. Not bad, Morty. You kinda wasted your thirties though with that whole birdwatching phase.

Morty *looks around, grips his head* W… Where’s my wife?

Rick Morty. You were just playing a game. It’s called Roy. Snap out of it, come on. *hands him his tickets*

Morty I’m Morty… You’re Rick… Hey, you sold a gun to a guy that kills people!

Rick Lookit this. You beat cancer and then you went back to work at the carpet store? Boo.

(Rick sits in the seat to play Roy.)

Morty Don’t dodge the issue, Rick! Selling a gun to a hitman is the same as pulling the trigger!

Rick It’s also the same as doing nothing. If Krombopulos Michael wants someone dead, there’s not a lot anybody can do to stop him. That’s why he does it for a living? Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time to thrash your Roy score. *puts on the helmet*

Morty You could stop this killing from happening, Rick! You know, y-you did a bad thing selling that gun, but you could undo it if you wanted!

Rick Uh-huh, yeah, that’s the difference between you and me, Morty. I never go back to the carpet store.

Alien : *passing by, sees Rick playing Roy* Holy shit! This guy’s taking Roy off the grid! (Other alien patrons gasp and congregate around Rick.) This guy doesn’t have a social security number for Roy!

(Morty looks at Krombopulos Michael’s business card, which shows his location, and walks away.) [Trans. Jerryboree] (Jerry approaches the Jerrysitter from earlier.)

Jerry Hi, I’m sorry, I think there was a misunderstanding. I’m an adult and would like to go home, please.

Jerry-Sitter : Well of course! Right through that tube. *points to a tube in the wall*

Jerry *muttering to self* Unbelievable. *approaches the tube and starts climbing in*

Jerry-Sitter : You’re doing great!

Jerry *indignantly* I know how to crawl in a tube. *to himself, while crawling* Ugh… Come on… This is harder than it looks… (Suddenly the tube transitions into a slide.) Whoooooaaaa!

(Jerry lands in a ballpit in an area designed similarly to the Smith house. Other Jerrys are in the ballpit playing Marco Polo.)

Pink-shirt Jerry : Marco? (Jerrys laugh.) Marco?

Other Jerry : Come find me.

Pink-shirt Jerry : Marco? (Jerrys laugh again.)

(Our Jerry seems disturbed.)

Jerry You guys are enjoying this? Don’t you feel a little… patronized?

Pink-shirt Jerry : How so?

(Someone dressed in a large Beth costume approaches the ballpit.)

Daycare Beth : Jerry!

Other Jerry : Beeeth.

Jerry Oh, come on, this is ridiculous!

Daycare Beth : I love you, Jerry!

Jerry Aw… Beth…

Daycare Beth : Who wants to come watch Midnight Run with director’s commentary on?

Jerrys : Oh! Yes! Definitely!

Daycare Beth : First one there gets to adjust the picture settings!

(Jerrys become more excited.)

Jerry The factory tint setting is always too high! *climbs out of the ballpit and hurries after “Beth” with the other Jerrys*

Other Jerry : Out of my way!

Another Jerry : The factory tint setting is always too high!

[Timeskip] (Daycare Beth sits on a couch with a Jerry on each side of her and dozens of other Jerrys surrounding them, watching Midnight Run.) [Trans. Government outpost]

(Krombopulos Michael prepares to carry out the hit. He holds up a heart shaped locket with a picture of a presumed romantic partner in it, kisses the locket, and puts it away.)

Krombopulos Michael : Oh boy, here I go killin’ again!

(Krombopulos Michael sneaks through the building, killing several Gromflomite guards along the way before arriving in the chamber his target is kept. His target appears to be a strange, gaseous being. Krombopulos Michael draws his weapon, but before he can shoot, Morty crashes Rick’s ship through the ceiling, crushing him.)

Ship : You have arrived at Krombopulos Michael. Your destination is below.

Morty *dazed* All out of off-white Persians… *gets out of the ship and realizes he killed Krombopulos Michael* Oh man, wha-wh-wh-what have I done?! *picks up KM’s arm and the antimatter gun*

Gromflomite : (pointing a gun at Morty) Drop the gun!

Morty You don’t understand! This guy was gonna kill someone!

Gromflomite : I guess that makes two of us. *fires up his weapon*

(A portal forms through the guard, bisecting him down the middle, and Rick walks out of it.)

Rick What are you doing Morty?! This is a Galactic Federation outpost! Look, I don’t have time to tell you my entire backstory, but Grandpa and government don’t get along!

Fart : You saved my life!

(Rick and Morty both turn to face the gaseous being.)

Rick What?

Morty Huh?! Are you Krombopulos Michael’s target? W-Wwwwhat’s your name?

Fart : My kind has no use for names. I communicate through what you call “Jessica’s feet.” No, “telepathy.”

Rick Oh, good job, Morty. Y-Y-Y-You killed my best customer but you saved a mind-reading fart!

Fart : I like this name, ‘Fart.’ Morty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell? I am in great pain.

Rick Morty, don’t do it. (Morty walks toward the lever.) Morty… (Morty glances at Rick before pulling the lever. Alarms start to sound as Fart escapes his cell.) Morty, you idiot!

Morty Oh crap, let’s get you outta here!

Rick We can’t get him outta here. He’s gaseous. He’s not gonna make it through a portal, Morty.

Morty *stomps past Rick* Well then I guess we’re all getting in the car! Right, uh…

Fart : Fart.

Morty No! Jus-j-j-just get in the car!

(Fart floats into the car and Morty sits in the driver’s seat.)

Rick Morty, come on, I-I wanna go back to Blips and Chitz. I don’t wanna deal with this!

Morty Y-You’ve been clear on the fact that you don’t wanna help, so just go away!

Fart : More are coming.

(Rick starts walking off.)

Rick Screw this. I’m out.

(Rick forms a portal and leaves through it. Morty tries to start the car as a Gromflomite approaches, but it stalls.)

Morty Oooh…! Come on, come on!

Gromflomite : Get out of the vehicle made of garbage or we will open fire!

Morty *still trying to start the car* Oh no no no!

Gromflomite : Open fire!

(A portal appears directly above the guards and water pours out of it, flooding the room. Another portal appears on the floor, and the water and Gromflomites are sucked into it. A third portal then appears and Rick emerges through it, walking up to the car.)

Rick Stupid-ass fart-saving carpet-store motherfucker! *shoves Morty out of the driver’s seat and takes the wheel* Move!

(Fart moves to the backseat as Morty takes the passenger seat.)

Rick Wait, did you fuck with my seat settings?

(Morty buckles up and Rick begins adjusting the seat settings.)

Fart : More are coming.

(More Gromflomites storm into the room. Rick continues adjusting the seat.)

Morty Rick!

Rick Yeah, yeah. (He crashes the car into the Gromflomites before flying away from the outpost.)

[Trans. Gear World, Int. Gearhead’s shop/residence] (Rick, Morty, and Fart wait while Gearhead works on the car. Morty and Fart are watching Gazorpazorpfield.)

Gearhead : Your geldon convertor is pretty dinged up.

Rick That’s ‘cause my grandson drives like a male Obavradian. Yeah, I said it. Some stereotypes are based in fact.

Gearhead : Actually, it’s because of years of neglect. You really need to respect your gears, Rick. To you, they’re just wheels with teeth, but in my culture, wars have been fought, entire—

Rick *interrupts him* So I’ve heard. Just fix it. *to Morty* I don’t think the Gromflomites can track us now, but it looks like we’re gonna be here for awhile. *lowers voice* Or, ya know, if you still have that gun K. Michael dropped, we can finish the job and go home.

Fart : You do understand I’m telepathic, right?

Rick I’m being polite.

Morty Rick, we’re taking him back where he belongs!

Rick Yeah, where’s that? Are you going on a quest to find he who smelt it?

Fart : I came here accidentally through a wormhole located in what you call “get out of my head, Fart, I know you’re in here, la la la la—” No, in what you call the Promethean Nebula.

Rick Oh great, just a hop, skip, and an 800 lightyear jump!

Morty You know, you can leave any time you want, Rick.

Rick *walks away, muttering* Whatever you wanna do you little punk-ass little bitch…

Fart : Thank you, Morty. You are not like other carbon-based life forms. You put the value of all life above your own.

Morty That’s how things should be. It’s how they could be.

Fart : I could not agree more.

(Fart envelops Morty as “Goodbye Moonmen” begins.)

Fart : (singing over a montage formed from Morty’s imagination) The world can be one together / Cosmos without hatred / Stars like diamonds in your eyes. / The ground can be space (space, space, space, space) / With feet marching toward a peaceful sky. / All the moonmen want things their way / But we make sure they see the sun. / Goodbye, moonmen / You say goodbye, moonmen. / Goodby—

Rick *holding a golf club* Shut the fuck up about moonmen! This isn’t a musical number. This is a fucking operation, we gotta be cool and fucking lay low!

[Trans. Jerryboree] (A roomful of Jerrys on computers forward each other joke emails.)

Random Jerry : *opens email and laughs* Duck, duck, birdie? (All Jerrys open emails and laugh.) Very funny!

Jerry Here comes another funny…

Other Jerry : Hahaha! Oh, this place is great.

Jerry I almost wish I could stay longer than one day.

Other Jerry : *suddenly serious* You just might.

Jerry W-What do you mean?

[Trans. Room of Forgotten Jerrys] (The other Jerry from before leads our Jerry inside.)

Other Jerry : These are the Jerrys whose Ricks and Mortys never came back. (Forgotten Jerrys stand, sit, and lie around the room, generally looking despondent.) …They live here now.

Jerry Uuuum…

[Trans. Gearhead’s place] (Gearhead continues working on the car while the others watch Ball Fondlers. The show is cut off by Breaking News.)

Gear Anchor : No gear turnings as of yet in the curious case of these unidentified humanoid fugitives (An image of Rick and Morty in the car as Rick was adjusting the seat settings appears onscreen.) reportedly at large somewhere within the Gear System.

Rick Son of a… *approaches Fart* Why were the Gromflomites holding you prisoner? What the fuck is so valuable about you?

Fart : I am no more valuable than life itself. However, I am able to alter the composition of atoms, like this. (An electric fuzz seems to go through the gaseous cloud and a lump of gold materializes, dropping to the ground beneath him.) That was oxygen. I added seventy-one protons to it.

Rick *picks up the gold* Ah, terrific. The fart that pooped gold. No wonder every cop in the system is lookin’ for us! *pockets gold* Any species that gets a hold of this thing is gonna use it to take over the galaxy. Do you know how inconvenient that’s gonna be to my work?

(Sirens sound outside. Rick rushes to the window and sees police in flying vehicles have surrounded the place.)

Rick Somebody dropped the dime on us. Gearhead… *turns around*

Gearhead : *pointing a gun at Rick* I’m sorry, Rick. The reward on your head is too high. And like you always say, you gotta look out for Number One.

Rick Number One is me, asshole! You’re supposed to be my friend!

Gearhead : Friend? Do you even know my real name? It’s Revolio Clockberg Junior. I belong to an entire species of gear people. Calling me ‘Gearhead’ is like calling a Chinese person ‘Asia-face.’

(Rick notices a nearby box of twigs, marked with a warning. He throws them at Gearhead and they get caught in his mouth, causing him to drop the gun.)

Gearhead : No, not twigs!

(Rick kicks Gearhead in the crotch, removes his gear-testicles, pulls two gears out of his mouth, and shoves the gear-testicles in their place while Gearhead moans in pain, clutching his mouth and groin.)

Rick Two things I wanna make clear to everybody in this room. Never betray me, and it’s time to go.

(Rick, Morty, and Fart get in the car and fly out through a window. Two gear police enter.)

Gear Policeman #1 : Nobody move!

(Gearhead waves his hands, trying to communicate. The officers see how he’s been disfigured.)

Gear Policeman #2 : Oh my god.

Gear Policeman #1 : Are those…?

(Both vomit oil and metal.) [Trans. Ext. Gear World] (Rick leads police on a flying chase, shooting and driving at the same time. Numerous police cars crash, killing officers and civilians.)

Rick Hey Morty, remember when you said selling a gun was as bad as pulling the trigger? How do you feel about all these people getting killed because of your choices?

Morty I did the right thing, Rick!

Rick Tell that to Gearhead’s gearsticles.

Morty You did that!

Rick Wrong! I’d be playin’ Roy right now. At a certain point, my hands are tied, Morty.

(Both don expressions of surprise as helicopters appear in front of them. Rick quickly steers the craft away and the chase continues.) [Trans. Forgotten Jerrys room]

Jerry *playing poker with other Jerrys, sighs* I can’t believe Rick did this. This is the eighth to the last straw.

Bearded Jerry : Ante up.

Jerry You know what? *throws down cards* Screw it! I have a better gamble for your guys. *leans forward* I say we escape.

(Other Jerrys stare at him for several seconds.)

Bearded Jerry : If you want to leave, you can just go out the front door.

Tank-top Jerry : You think we’re kept here against our will? That would be illegal.

Jerry But… If you can leave, then why are you still here?

Buzzcut Jerry : Same reason as you. *looks to other Jerrys for confirmation* …We’re Jerrys.

(Jerry stands in disgust.) [Trans. Jerryboree lobby] (Jerry is marching out.)

Jerry I’m leaving.

Jerry-Sitter : Okay then, that was always allowed.

[Trans. Gearworld] (The chase is still on. Rick stops his vehicle, and Gromflomite ships pass him, giving him a chance to shoot them. He drives off again and pulls out a gun.)

Rick Morty, take the wheel!

(Rick and Morty clumsily swap seats.)

Morty Whoa, whoa!

Rick Whoa!

(Rick climbs into his seat as Morty buckles up.)

Rick Geez, dammit, Morty! Who taught you to fly this thing?! *laughs* Haha, I’m kidding, I know that’s on me.

Morty Um, Rick!

(An enormous craft lowers down before them. At this point, the car is surrounded.)

Rick Shit. Well, I guess this is it.

Fart : Morty, crack the window.

(Morty open the window and Fart flies out, entering a gear policecar and entering the officer’s mind.)

Fart : I wonder why Greg is always so critical of my girlfriend.

Officer : Well… He’d probably like to have me to himself, that’s how friends are.

Fart : Or does he want her to himself?

(Fart induces an image in the officer’s mind of Greg having sex with his girlfriend. “Goodbye Moonmen” begins again.)

Fart : The world can be one together / Cosmos without hatred / Stars like diamonds in your eyes.

Officer : *anguished* My life is a fucking joke.

(He crashes his cruiser, setting off a chain of destruction of police and government vehicles as Fart continues singing. Rick and Morty look on from the car, shocked.)

Fart : Goodbye, moonmen. / You say, goodbye, moonmen.

(The destruction beings to kill civilians of Gearworld.)

Fart : Goodbye, moonmen… (Fart floats back in through the window and the song ends.) Alright, let’s proceed.

Rick Damn. Can’t blame that on the dog. …Talk about silent but deadly. I-I’ve seen some nerve gas but ga- th-this gas got some nerve! Haha, you know what I’m sayin’?

Morty *not amused* Are you done?

Rick I’ll let you know, Morty. Gone with the wind, am I right? If you don’t like that one, Morty, an alt on that one could be, like…if I said Gasablanca! …Alright, I’m done. (Morty starts driving.) Let’s get to the Promethean Nebula, so my grandson can finish savin’ a life!

[Trans. Cross-temporal asteroid, customs] (Jerry walks through a set of sliding doors and gets in line, intent on finding a way back home. He approaches the window.)

Garblovian : Ga-ga blahg blahg?

Jerry Um… Earth, please?

(The alien stamps a ticket and passes it to Jerry.)

Jerry Um… Is this… Do I pay?

Garblovian : Agah blahg-blah! (Jibberish continues as Jerry rushes away. Other aliens heckle him.)

Jerry Sorry!

[Trans. Ext. Cross-temporal asteroid] (Jerry passes a homeless alien holding a sign that says “WHY LIE? WILL USE GLEMS FOR GLOOBIES!” He then spots a creature that appears somewhat like a small hairless dog.)

Jerry Hmm. Hmm… *hesitantly makes to pet the creature, but its face suddenly splays out in a tentacle formation* Agh! *runs away*

(Jerry runs into an alleyway where he’s met by a shirtless Garblovian, holding out a cup.)

Garblovian : Agah blahg blahg?

Jerry I don’t…

Garblovian : *angrily* Agah blahg!

Jerry What do you want?

Garblovian : *holds out cup* Agah blahg blah—

(The alien suddenly explodes into bluish goo. Some of it gets on Jerry.)

Jerry Oh! *looks at self and begins panicking* Ahahaaaahhhhh….

(Two smaller Garblovians run up to Jerry, jabbering and holding out cups. Jerry runs away, and one drinks some of the bluish goo from its cup.)

Jerry *wiping goo off himself* Uhhh… Huhhh…. (Stumbles upon two fleshy alien creatures mid-coitus.) Oooh! *runs away*

(Jerry now sits on a lone bench under a streetlight, looking around the alien world in obvious fear and flinching at strange noises.) [Trans. Int. Jerryboree] (Jerry walks back inside, hanging his head. The Jerry-Sitter smiles cheerfully. He approaches some of the same Jerrys from before. They’re trying to set up a television.)

Tank-top Jerry : Hey, are you the one that left?

Jerry *single nod*

Tank-top Jerry : I get it. It’s… uh… a hassle out there.

Jerry *suddenly less forlorn* Right? Who needs that?

Other Jerrys : *to one another* Right? Not me.

Paul : Oh-ho, not us!

Jerry Uh… Who are you?

Paul : Oh, excuse me. Paul Fleishman. *shakes Jerry’s hand* Infinite timelines! In some of them Beth remarries.

Jerry …Geez…

Paul : Don’t worry. I treat Beth very well, and I do not overstep my bounds with Morty. Every kid needs a dad, but there’s no replacing you. Hey, you wanna give us a hand with this? *gestures to the TV* We’re trying to figure out how to get the sound coming through the stereo instead of the TV. I-I-I don’t—It’s very difficult.

Jerry Oh. Uh, well, is there an Aux input?

Tank-top Jerry : I tried that, but there’s two different colors.

(Pans out to show several clusters of Jerrys also working on identical television sets.)

Various Jerrys : Uh… There’s two different colors.

[Trans. Promethean Nebula] (Dinosaur-like creatures eat plant matter in what appears to be a vast jungle. Rick’s ship flies into view. Rick is now behind the wheel.)

Fart : The wormhole is seventy of what you call ‘meters’ what you call ‘north’ of what you call ‘here.’

Rick Fine. Morty, take your fart to his hole and say your goodbyes. I’m gonna find some fuel and take a biiiig fat Morty. (Morty gets out of the car.) That’s my new word for ‘shit’ because of today’s events.

(Morty and Fart head north, soon finding the wormhole.)

Fart : Here it is. This should take me back to my kind.

Morty I’m gonna miss you, um, Fart. I’m really sorry your name became Fart.

Fart : I will be back soon, Morty.

Morty *excited* Really?

Fart : After I return to the others with this location, we will be back for your cleansing.

Morty Um… Cleansing…?

Fart : Carbon-based life is a threat to all higher life. To us, you are what you would call a disease. Wherever we discover you, we cure it. You said yourself that life must be protected even through sacrifice. (Morty, shocked and saddened, begins to tear up.) You haven’t changed your mind about that. I can sense your thoughts. Morty.

Morty *wipes his eyes* Um… Before you go… Could you sing a… C-Could you sing for me again?

Fart : Yes, Morty. *approaches him as “Goodbye Moonmen” begins, again set to a sequence formed from Morty’s imagination* Cosmos without hatred / Blinding stars of cosmic light / Quasars shine through endless night / And everything is one in the beauty / And now we say goodby—

(The song is interrupted as Morty shoots Fart with the antimatter gun.)

Fart : Morty… Why… Why?

(Morty shoots him several more times until he completely vanishes, then drops the gun, crying.)

Morty Goodbye.

(Rick is loading something into the ship as Morty returns.)

Rick So did you guys make out a little bit? Is he gonna send you a postcard? (Morty wordlessly enters the car.) Man, that guy hit the lottery when he crossed paths with you.

[Trans. Open space]

Rick Morty, I know I picked on your core beliefs and decision making a lot today, but I am glad you insisted on gettin’ that fart home. You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn’t for nothin’, you know? *notices Morty’s detached, almost anguished expression* You miss your fart friend, huh? Well I’ve got a little surprise for you, buddy. While you were gone I found another wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side and they’re all coming to visit.

Morty *panicking* What?! Rick! No, you can’t!

Rick Too late, Morty. The hole’s opening.

Morty No, no, Rick! You don’t understand!

(Rick farts.)

Rick Th-there’s a lot more where that came from too.

[Trans. Jerryboree] (Our Rick and Morty enter the lobby, which is filled with Ricks, Mortys, and Jerrys.)

Rick Hey. *taps another Rick’s arm* Hey bro. How many people was your Roy responsible for killing today?

Other Rick : None, we chilled at Blips and Chitz all day, ain’t that right homie?

Other Morty : Darn right bro! Roy rules!

Other Rick : Haha!

(The other Rick and Morty leave with their Jerry.)

Rick *glares at Morty* Must be nice… Hey, Morty, there’s our Jerry.

(The Jerry-sitter guides a Jerry toward them. He and Morty hug.)

Jerry Mm, I missed you. Hey, Rick.

Rick Glad you’re safe Jerry. What do you say we go home?

Jerry I’d like that.

Another Rick : *holding a ticket* Hey, wait, do you have 5126?

Rick Uh, I’m not sure. Morty.

(Morty pulls a ticket out of his pocket.)

Other Rick : Uh, that’s a Blips and Chitz ticket.

Morty What?!

Rick Way to go, Morty. Eh, whatever.

(The Ricks exchange Jerrys. Both Jerrys look uncertain and nervous.)

Jerrys : Uh… W-wait, what?

Ricks : Alright, come on, Jerry.

[End credits] [Trans. Alien planet] (Various species of aliens are walking down the street when they stop and listen to an announcer’s voice.)

Announcer : Are you tired of the same daily droll? Well, get on over to Blips and Chitz! (As he describes things, they appear on screen.) We got, uh… one game! We got a whole bunch of games here! Uh, we got chabos and flobos and you can shoot things! Get on over here and play the games! Use your Flurbos to get tickets! Roy 2 just got here! G-Get over here at Ch… Chips and Chitz!

Rick It’s the coolest place in the world! Hahahaha, I g- I get to be in a commercial!

[END] Midnight Run1988

The Ricklantis Mixup

Author(s): Justin Roiland

Transcriber/Editor(s): D. Lint

Date Aired: 2015

Reference Name(s): Harry Potter

Reference Date(s): 2001

Rick Sanchez: All right, Morty, you ready for our adventure to the Lost City of Atlantis?

Morty Smith: Ready as I’ll ever be, Rick.

For [Bleep] sake.

Hello, I’m Rick K-22.

This is my Morty.

We’re going from reality to reality asking Ricks to contribute to the Citadel of Ricks Redevelopment Fund.

What are you, stupid? We’re done with the Citadel of Ricks.

I was never on board with it in the first place.

That’s why I murdered everyone in charge and left it to rot.

That was you.

They tried to murder him first.

Aw, geez.

Well, you’ll be happy to know that the council’s gone now Yeah, he knows.

He murdered them.

You want to rein in your Morty? Every day.

The Citadel of Ricks Redevelopment Fund donates Morty, he’s not gonna donate.

You’re pitching the Policeman’s Ball to a black teenager here.

Let’s go.

You don’t have to be a dick.

I think you know that’s not true.


I didn’t know there were still Ricks and Mortys living on the Citadel.

I wonder what their day-to-day lives are like.

Well, you can keep wondering that while we go on a fun, fresh, self-contained adventure to Atlantis.

Anyone continuing to explore the Citadel is either stupid or one of the unfortunate millions held hostage by their terrible ideas.

Man, I’m glad I’m not one of them! Announcer Rick: Citadel Morning News.

News about the Citadel in the morning, pretty self explanatory.

Good morning.

I’m Rick D-716B.

And I’m Rick D-716.

Must be nice.

Coming up, gravity outages in East Sanchez Heights And, is your uranium-powered cellular matrix making you sick? The answer may not surprise you.

It’s Yes, it’s uranium.

Those stories and more, after this break.

Sam Elliot: 60 iterations off the central finite curve, there’s a Rick that works more with wood than polarity plating.

His name is Simple Rick but he’s no dummy.

He realized long ago that the greatest thing he’d ever create was his daughter.

I love Daddy! Sam Elliot: We captured that moment We run it on a loop through Simple Rick’s mind And the chemical it makes his brain secrete goes into every Simple Rick’s "Simple Wafers" Wafer Cookie.

Come home to the impossible flavor of your own completion.

Come home to Simple Rick’s.

Just one day remains before our newly democratic Citadel elects its first President, it’s anyone’s race among the Rick candidates.

But a certain other candidate should be getting at least one vote for most adorable.

That’s right.

The Morty party candidate’s still in the race, and you just gotta love him for that.

Here you see him in his little Morty suit waving Isn’t that adorable? Little jackass.

Yeah, I think we actually have the audio for his speech here Aw, geez.

Aw, man.

I’m gonna lose the election and stuff.

We had a good run, sir, but I think it’s time to pull out of the race.

I feel pretty confident about tonight’s debate.

You shouldn’t, sir.

You should be terrified.

Maybe you should find a little faith, young man.

You don’t pay me to have faith.

And we’re the same age! - Aah! - Whoa! Sorry.

I-I was expecting A Rick partner? Lesson one, rookie, expect the unexpected.

Now, get in.

Mortys are human! Get the [Bleep] off the car, you Rickless [Bleep] animal! Whoa! Morty Cop: The election’s got these yellow shirts more riled up than a picture-day Jessica.

That’s pretty harsh, sir.

So report me.

Nobody gives a [Bleep] Look, I’m just saying, it makes me a little sad to hear a Morty cop calling Mortys animals.

Well, it makes me sad to hear another Rick cop buying into his sensitivity training.

Well, I’m glad to know there’s more like me.

There was one.

Why do you think that seat was empty? Rick Dispatch: Robbery at Fifth and Avenue.

Fifth and That’s Morty Town.

Unit seven responding.

Rick Teacher: Good idea, Rick.

All Morty Students: Good idea, Rick.

This is a great adventure.

All: This is a great adventure.

I love being your new Morty.

All: I love being your new Mor Farty.

Very amusing, Mr.


Almost as amusing as when your first Rick was decapitated on Zorpantheon Nine.

Or was that your third Rick? How many Ricks have you had? Five.

I see.

So you are top of the class in something.

Tomorrow you’ll be transferred to your new Ricks.

Hopefully they will be your last.

Yes, Slow Ri Tall Morty? Di did I gradgitate this time yet? Anything’s possible, Tall Morty.

I guess we won’t be seeing each other after this? I say we make our last day count.

I say we go to the Wishing Portal.

That’s a myth.

It’s not a myth.

My first Rick’s fourth Morty knew a Rick whose Morty went there.

If we’re not here for graduation, our butts are gonna wind up in Morty Town.

I thought your last Rick fused you with a lizard, not a chicken.

Okay, fine.

I’m in.

Me too.

What the hell?! I thought I saw a fly.

Supervisor Rick: Listen up, [Bleep] nuts.

I’ve been your supervisor for five years, but all shitty things must come to an end and I have been promoted to regional manager.

All: Yeah, I feel the same way, may be never meet again.

Of course, that makes the position of supervisor available, so, as of next week, the ass you’ll be kissing will be that of K-83, affectionately known as Cool Rick.

All: I know I’m new to the Citadel, and some of you might not think I put in my time, but what can I say? I’m Cool Rick! Yo! Ha! Ha! Check me out! All right knuckleheads, any questions? All right, then, back to work, you gold rickers.

No Ricks, no families, high off their asses, and running amuck.

Mortys are raised to be sidekicks.

Without a side to kick, they just start kicking.

They were They were about my height, around 14 years old their their shirts were yellow! Yeah, make sure you get that down.

Any mutations, augmentations? Three eyes? A tail? Maybe a buzz cut? No.

Just four normal Mortys.

Normal? Put it in your blog.

Let me turn over a few rocks.

Aw, geez.

Hey, what’s goin’ on, fellas? Aw, geez, man.

Nothing, man.

We’re just hanging out and stuff.

I hear that.

Aw, geez.

I guess I’m supposed to be figurin’ out who robbed the store across the street.

But, aw, geez, I don’t know.

Aw, geez man, that sucks that your Rick’s making you do that.

He’s not my Rick.

He’s my partner.

Aw, geez.

Well, maybe the uniform makes a big difference, who am I to say.

To me, you just look like a sidekick.

Whoa! Call me a sidekick one more time! Call me a sidekick! Hey, man! Come on! Aw, geez! Wanna see how I paint a wall?! It was the Morty Town Locos, man! The the Morty Town Locos! Aah! Aah! Do you realize how many codes you just violated? Aw, geez, Rick.

What do I know about knowin’ stuff? Get in the [Bleep] car.

More lasers.

You could take more time to answer the question if you like.

Okay, Juggling Rick, how would you solve the Citadel’s financial crisis? First off, can I just say that I believe this Citadel is the greatest in the entire multi-verse.

Now, I believe the answer to your question has three parts.

First, education spending must get much higher But it has to be balanced with defense Whoa! Whoa! Can we fact check this please? Never mind.

Who am I kidding.

This race is over.

And that’s how you run a Citadel! Candidate Morty, the number of displaced Mortys is soaring while Rick satisfaction levels are plummeting, and the divide between the two groups has never been wider.

Solve that one real quick.

I don’t see a divide between Ricks and Mortys Shocker.

I’d like to offer a re-buttal.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, I think we can all agree on one thing Well, it came out as two things but you get the idea.

You guys finished? The division I see is between the Ricks and Mortys that like the Citadel divided and the rest of us.

I see it everywhere I go.

I see it in our schools where they teach Mortys we’re all the same, because they’re threatened by what makes us unique.

I see it in our streets where they give guns to Mortys, so we’re too busy fighting each other to fight real injustice.

I see it in our factories where Ricks work for a fraction of their boss’ salary even though they’re identical and have the same IQ.

The Citadel’s problem isn’t homeless Mortys or outraged Ricks.

The Citadel’s problem is the Ricks and Mortys feeding on the Citadel’s death Holy [Bleep] Rick Security Officer: He’s headed for the flavor core! But I’ve got a message for them, from the Ricks and Mortys keeping it alive, a message from the Ricks and Mortys that believe in this Citadel to the Ricks and Mortys that don’t.

You’re outnumbered.

Holy [Bleep] I don’t believe it.

I-I can’t believe it.

I know.

That’s why you’re fired.

Sounds like you’re looking for work.

I can offer you a very enticing compensation package.

First, let’s talk benefits Daddy loves you.

That’s Daddy’s good girl.

Your life is a lie, man.

All your life’s are lies! Don’t you get it?! They told us we were special because we were Ricks, but they stripped us of everything that made us unique! We know how you feel.

We’re working-stiff Ricks just like you.

But our assembly line is justice.

What are your demands? I-I-I want a portal gun.

Unregistered, untraceable, with enough fluid to take me off this God damn prison! The media’s outside.

Well, keep ‘em there.

Anyway, so yeah, the suspect says the Citadel’s a lie, built on lies, and some other shit.

I say appreciate the life you have, because it can always be worse.

Back to you, Ricks.

Thank you, Rick 0716-C.

That [Bleep] guy.

Tell me about it.

Meanwhile, in election news, an unexpected turn of events as Morty from the Morty Party soars to the top of the polls.


Morty, what’s your original reality and where’s your Rick? Gosh, we moved around so much it’s hard to remember.

I see every Rick as my Rick, I hope they see me as their Morty.

Another? Please? With less water? Hey, cheer up, pal.

A Morty’s gonna be president.

Imagine this kisser getting blamed for everything.

I guess I should’ve had more faith.

It’s not faith you need.

It’s fear.

What’s this? It’s secrets.

Wh wh wh What do you think it is? Look at how I’m dressed.

Rick Reporter: Having taken aim at the system, are afraid at all for your safety? Candidate Morty: I’d rather live in hope than fear.

If I had to fear anything, I’d fear other people being afraid.

Of fear.



No, I’m not afraid.

you gonna lick my balls or what? Sheeeet, grandson, you keep me peelin’ skrabquams and slippin’ nib nibs, I’ll lick whatever ain’t nailed down.

Hands in the air! What the hell, man?! What the hellin’ hell? You guys doing a little chemistry homework with Grandpa? Is this what I think it is? Bootleg portal fluid.

I guess his math was off.

Search the place.

Are are you my new R Rick? It’s okay, Morty.


He stabbed me.

He got me bad, Morty.


It’s okay.

You’re okay.

You were right.

Everything I learned at the academy was Doesn’t matter.

Nothing’s wrong with putting your faith in a Morty.

You just gotta pick the right one.

Why is there a crib in here? Something they do.

To make you feel bad.

Boy, I got us knee-deep in paperwork? Go to the car and grab a medi-pack.

Let me worry about this.

What happened? Same old story Mortys killing Mortys.

Almost got it Farmer Rick: Hey! Y’all get the hell away from my damn mega fruit! Sic ‘em, boy! I don’t wear this dag-nab hat and commit to this rural character so you can eat for free while you come of age! I bet the Wishing Portal leads to a reality where they’re Where all Where it’s a bunch of French toast with boobies.

I bet it leads to a place with a bunch of fry Fly flies everywhere.

Yeah, I bet it goes nowhere.

I bet it’s a big hole where the Citadel dumps all its broken dreams.

Slick, why do you have to be so dramatic? You wanna know why? Because of this.

I’m part of an experimental line of Mortys with a drama implant.

How do you think it feels, Fat Morty, to know that no matter where I go, I’ll always be the one that makes everybody sad and a little bored.

Slick, that implant isn’t who you are, okay? You also roll up your sleeves.

I thought I was Left-Handed Morty.

Then you should use your left hand to eat more vegetables.

Hey, there.

How you doing? Great to meet you.

I’m a plumber, sir.

I’m a Rick, and I’m a plumber.

That doesn’t sound like Rick work.

You didn’t come to the Citadel to be a plumber, did you? Ha! Ha! I sure didn’t, sir! Mr.

Morty! Mr.

Morty! I cloned myself so you could kiss me as a baby! This is just like a Morty baby! Hey, did you, end up getting a new job? Yeah, I did.

Assassinating you.

I’m okay I’m okay I’m Aw, man.

Aw, geez.

Aw, hah.

You look like you could use a good time.

One dance for $10, two for $25.

No, thank you And bad math.

Ha! Ha! Yeah! This is a good time! What is this place? The Creepy Morty.

What is it your kind’s always saying "Don’t think about it.

" Come on.

There’s someone important I want you to meet.

Bubbala! How’d it go with the Morty Town Locos? They had a little accident.

They won’t be causing any trouble anymore.

Those were bad Mortys.

Very bad Mortys.

Big Morty likes to contribute to keeping the peace in Morty Town.

Think of him as a "drug lord" and us as cops on his payroll.

Morty - Which Morty? - Which Morty? M m my partner.

Morty, you’re right.

Morty Town is bad.

But that doesn’t mean that we have to be.

Hey, what’s going on here, Morty? - Which Morty? - Which Morty? The cop, morons! Don’t worry about Rick, Big Morty.

He’s new.

He doesn’t understand how it works.

That’s what you said about your last partner.

Why would you say something like that, Big Morty? You’re [Bleep] things up for both of us here.


He’s [Bleep] things up for both of you.

Unless he takes the money.

Big Morty, you’re under arrest.

S smartest man in the universe.

They’re just props! Th they’re just props! Not so big now, are ya? I never was! It was figurative! That’s enough.

If we don’t kill him, he’ll talk.

If you do, I’ll talk.

Cowboy Morty: O one thing’s for sure, Y y’all don’t have to worry about Cowboy Morty talkin’.

This little cowpoke’s gonna mosey up on out of here.

You told me to put my faith in the right Morty.

I’ve got faith in you, partner.

Do the right thing.

Grandpa Rick, I-I don’t wanna be on the Citadel anymore.

I wanna be a regular kid.

I-I wanna to go to school and throw balls around and masturbate.

What the hell happened in there? Same old story.

Ricks killing Mortys.

Okay, man, okay, we got your portal gun.

What the hell’s he doing? Where where am I? A bad place.

But you’re going to a better one soon.

Hey! Hey! No, no, no, no Whaa God damn it! A portal to the blender dimension? That’s the oldest trick in the book! I’m a Rick! I’m more Rick than any of you! Then you should know you just killed your only leverage! Then comes and get me, mother[Bleep] Stop.

I’m Rick D.

Sanchez the Third, owner of this here wafer establishment, and I say that the Rick in there is right.

He’s more Rick than any of you.

He’s a terrorist! What Rick isn’t?! This Citadel was founded by Ricks for Ricks to be free! What’s your name, young man? Rick.

And I’m The same age as me, I know.

How long have you worked here? 15 years.

What the hell have we become? Whatever time you were gonna make him serve, he’s served it.

It ends now.

Come with me, friend.

Where are we going? To your new life.

Which starts with walking the [Bleep] out of here.

Yo J-22, give ‘em hell! Sam Elliot: There’s a Rick that held a factory hostage after murdering his boss and several coworkers.

The factory made cookies, flavored them with lies.

He made us all take a look at what we were doing.

And in the bargain, he got a taste of real freedom.

We captured that taste, and we keep giving it to him so he give it right back to you, in every bite of new.

Simple Rick Freedom Wafer Selects.

Come home to the unique flavor of shattering the grand illusion.

Come home to Simple Rick.

It is real.

After you.

Specs: There it is.

The Wishing Portal.

They say for your wish to come true, you have to give up something really important.

For me, that’s my panini maker.

I wish for a million sandwiches.

And, yes, I see the irony.

I guess I wish I had something cooler than this dumb-ass surfer necklace.

I wish incest porn had Had a more mainstream appeal.

For For a friend of mine.

None of those things are gonna happen, you know.

Morty wishes never come true.

Not on the Citadel.

Then why did you bring us here? Because I wish that would change.

I wish anything about this life would change.

Well, I hope you’re putting something pretty God damn important in there.

Me too.

But I doubt it.

- No! - Slick! M maybe maybe it went somewhere nice.

Automated Rick: Garbage dump.

Stand back.

He had to be stopped.

He he cou he c Couldn’t be allowed to win.

Then you should’ve worked on your aim, bro.

He’s alive? No, no, no.

You gotta listen to me.

I-I worked for him.

I was his campaign manager.

That Morty is not what he seems.

Yeah, well, no Morty seems like a president.

He won? Yeah.

It was a blow out.

I would hardly call it a blow out.

It was almost close enough to trigger a recount.


What are you joke security now too? Rick Cop: Why am I still here? I heard he confessed to everything.

Your case has been reviewed.

You’re free to go.

But I violated at least a dozen departmental codes.

New department.

New codes.

New Citadel.

Specs: Did we miss graduation? Where are the new Ricks? No graduation.

No new Ricks.

The school’s curriculum is changing.

To what? I don’t know, and I don’t have to know.

I’ve been fired.

Good luck, turds.

Holy crap.

Slick’s wish came true.

Sorry I’m late, Mr.


Had a little crisis at work.

Worth it! It’s no problem.

A little more off the top.

You were saying, Garment District Rick.

We were saying, "President" Morty, that we don’t care who sits in that seat.

A Rick, a Morty, a god damn Jerry It doesn’t matter.

We’ve been running the Citadel since before the council and you’ll find that we’re still running it now.

Does he really speak for everyone here? Yeah.

Well, I think it’s important to be clear.

Raise your hand if he speaks for you.

Is that enough off the top? I don’t know.

Is it? - Yes, yes, god damn, yes.

- I think it’s great.


This seems like a good time for a drink and a cold calculated speech with sinister overtones.

A speech about politics About order Brotherhood Power.

But speeches are for campaigning.

Now is the time for action.

Whoo! Yeah! Atlantis, baby! That was amazing.

You got some of that mermaid puss.

I’m really hoping it wasn’t a one-off thing and I can see her again.

By the way, hey, um, you’re still not curious about what what might’ve happened at that crazy Citadel place? Psh.

Not at all, Morty.

That place will never have any bearing over our lives ever again.

Unlike that mermaid puss! Whoo! Yeah! We’re going back for seconds! Yeah! Yeah! Whoo! We’re gonna do that shit every week, man! That was Atlantis! Shit!

Harry Potter2001

The Whirly Dirly Conspiracy

Author(s): Justin Roiland

Transcriber/Editor(s): D. Lint

Date Aired: 2015-

Reference Name(s): Honey I Blew Up The Kid

Reference Date(s): 1992

(Jerry Smith sadly sleeps)

Rick : Jerry! Jerry, come on! We got to go! You got to come with me, Jerry!

Jerry : Rick?

Rick : It’s important, Jerry. The fate of the galaxy rests on your shoulders. Let’s go. Put some pants on. N-Never mind, there’s no time for pants, Jerry. I’ll make you a pair of pants on the way. It’s a Rick and Jerry adventure! Rick and Jerry episode!


Rick : Then I thought, "Hey, what about Jerry? He’s… He’s good with regular folk." This is a real situation where… where… Where Jerry could really shine. "He’s a master convincer."

Jerry : Rick, I’m not an idiot. I know what this is.

Rick : Oh. Okay, well, I told Morty, "Look, parents get divorced. They get sad. He’ll be fine," but I think he’s worried you’re gonna, you know Pbht! And you know how Morty gets when he gets emotional. It impedes my work. So, I told him I’d take you out and give you a win.

Jerry : Wait. My son asked you to take me on some kind of pity adventure to keep me from killing myself?

Rick : Wait, w-what did you think it was?

Jerry : An execution.

Rick : Geez! You really do need a win.

Jerry : No! I-I don’t know. I mean, you never made me the pants, so…

Rick : So, you thought I was gonna drive you into the middle of the galaxy and shove you into the vacuum of space with your dick hanging out? And we’re seeing how you’d act if that were about to happen? I mean [bleep] I’ll make you the pants right now. Take me two seconds to make you pants.

Jerry : I have pants at home!

Rick : Jerry, if I make pants, they’ll be better than your pants at home. Also, if I wanted to kill you…

Jerry : Yeah, I get it. It would be amazing. Please, take me home. I’ll tell my son we had an amazing adventure.

Rick : Well, if it’s all the same, could we go get our story straight? Because you’re a terrible liar.

Jerry : You called me a master convincer!

Rick : You believed me?

Jerry : Huh. This seems kind of fancy.

Rick : Jerry, for all you know, this is the equivalent of an alien truck stop. You have no frame of reference. You’re in a universe beyond your imagining. But, yes, it is super fancy. I mean, my job here is to make Morty happy. I’m not gonna take you somewhere dangerous.

Shnoopy Bloopers : Rick Sanchez. I told you if I ever saw your face in here again, I would stick you like the pig you are.

Rick : Shnoopy Bloopers, I told you if you tried There’d be two funerals.

Jerry : Aaah!! Someone? Uh, someone? Someone!

Shnoopy Bloopers : My friend! It has been too long.

Rick : Oh, it’s great to see you again, buddy! Yeah, you’re doing it.

Shnoopy Bloopers : Mr. Sanchez gets anything he wants!

Rick : The resort’s covered in an immortality field. You can’t die here. That’s the gimmick.

[Two children are seen killing each other]

Jerry : Okay, but still Bad parenting.

Rick : Hey, rich a-holes are rich a-holes. They all pay top dollar to come here and enjoy a consequence-free vacation. No death, no disease, no dismemberment. Can’t even have a heart attack.

Jerry : Got it. The perfect place to take the most fragile being in the universe.

Rick : I can tell you expect me to refute that, but it’s right on the money. If I come home without you, I doubt Morty’s gonna let me off the hook.

Jerry : Yeah, but what if you came home with Jeff Goldblum.

Jerry : Jeff Goldblum? What the are you talking about, Jerry? Jesus! Holy shit! Yo, what’s up, "Big Chill"?! Don’t go into the telepod!

Jerry : Hey, maybe we would have fun on a fake adventure.

Rick : On a fake adventure.

Jerry : Speaking of What are we gonna tell Morty?

Rick : I don’t know. But whatever it is, we’re gonna need a couple more of these babies!

[Smith family living room]

Beth : What’s wrong?

Summer : Mom, do you think I’m hot?

Beth : I don’t think that’s something that matters.

Summer : So, I’m not hot?!

Beth : I’m saying the part of you that cares about that is a part you shouldn’t give any energy to.

Summer : That’s not an answer!

Beth : Because I’m not an issue of Cosmo, okay? I’m your mother and a doctor, and

Summer : I’m hideous!

Morty : Geez. What’s with her?

Beth : Teenage-girl stuff.

Morty : Is that a hoof collage?

Beth : It’s perfectly legal, if that’s what you’re wondering.

Morty : Cool zies.


Summer : "We just don’t have anything in common any more, Summer." Oh, yeah, Ethan? What do you have in common with Tricia Lange? A mutual love of French cinema? The belief that a carbon tax is the only viable solution to climate change? Or could it be her massive stripper titties?! There it is.Boob-ya!

[Resort where you can't die]

Jerry : And that’s when Malakai the Squid came, rips off his face, and beneath it is my face.

Three-headed Fellow at the Bar : I liked it.

Jerry : Thank you, sir.

Rick : Yeah, of course he likes it. Look at him. Mother got two heads and three trunks.

Jerry : All right, we’ll put a pin in it. I’m gonna go take a leak. [Restroom] What the?! My hands are dry! My hands are dry!

Risotto Groupon : My name is Risotto Groupon. I am the assistant general manager of the restaurant.

Jerry : Do you have any comment cards, because I might have some thoughts.

Risotto Groupon : My kingdom was usurped by force with weapons and technology supplied by your father-in-law!

Jerry : Hey, he usurped my kingdom, too, man. He basically got me kicked out of my home, stole my family.

Risotto Groupon : Then we are brothers, and you have wondered what your life could have been without Rick.

Jerry : Wondered? Sure. I mean, I’ve wondered about having a vagina.

Risotto Groupon : Would you help me kill him?

Jerry : What? No! He’s my wife’s father. Move on.

Risotto Groupon : Do you like theme-park rides?

Jerry : Oh, you really moved on.

Risotto Groupon : There is a popular attraction here called the Whirly Dirly. Between the first whirly and the third dirly, the ride dips just outside the immortality field.

Jerry : You’re asking me to lure Rick to his death?

Risotto Groupon : I’m only asking you to go on a ride with Rick, get off the ride without Rick, and go home to your family, where you can wonder about having a vagina.

Jerry : Okay, okay, that was a very specific example pulled from thin air. I don’t want to be known as the vagina guy.

Restaurant Employee : Risotto, you’re needed. Someone ordered the Nuzzy Guzzy Fresh and Fluzzy Special.

Risotto Groupon : [sighs]Look, I’m not like Rick, so you’re free to do as you please. But there comes a time in every man’s life when he must choose the foundation on which his legacy will be built One of compromise or one of blood.

[He leaves and Jerry is left pondering his proposal] [Smith family garage]

Summer : Oh, yeah. That’s what I’m talking about. Oops! Okay, a little more on the other side then. Oh, come on! Oh, geez! Aah! Stop!

[Living room]

Morty : So, the hospital just let you walk right out of there with horse parts in a bag?

Beth : For Christ’s sakes, Morty, women going through a divorce need a creative outlet. What was that?

Morty : Summer! I’m coming, Summer!

Beth : What the hell happened?! How do we get her back to normal?!

Morty : I don’t know, man! This thing is pretty complicated. I-I’m gonna call Rick.

Beth : Well, hold on. We can’t just call your grandpa whenever there’s a problem. We can handle this ourselves.

Morty : I mean, I don’t see the point in trying to. This is obviously Rick-level shit

Beth : I have a medical degree.

Morty : Is that what this is about? L-Like, you want to prove yourself?

Beth : Oh, it’s not about anything, Morty. How dare you?

Morty : Okay, good. Then I’ll just call Ow!

Beth : Morty, I need this.


Rick : Hey, Jerry, triple trunks here says he knows a place where the ladies drop panties for anyone bi-pedal.

Jerry : Yeah, I’m not really interested. My heart still belongs to Beth.

Rick : Oh. Huh. Okay.

Jerry : What, you don’t think I have a shot?

Rick : I didn’t say that.

Jerry : Excuse me. May I have another one of these?

Bar-tender : Coming right up.

Jerry : Hmm, things weren’t always so bad between Beth and me. We had some good times when we were younger.

Rick : Oh, yeah, I bet. That’s how teenage pregnancy happens, my friend.

Jerry : Yeah, no. Things were pretty great, even until a couple of years ago.

Rick : Jerry, I get it. That’s around the time I moved in with you guys.

Jerry : Oh, I guess you’re right.

Rick : Jerry, you know, I hope you’re not suggesting that I had anything to do with your marriage breaking up, because there are some major issues between you and Beth that have been there since you guys met. Hey, to new beginnings.

Jerry : To the Whirly Dirly.

Rick : The Whirly Dirly? All right, what’s going on here? When did you get cool?!

Jerry : When you stole my wife!

Rick : I should have done that a long time ago! We’re going on the Whirly Dirly!

Jerry : Whirly Dirly, baby.

[Smith family house]

Beth : Aha, look at this. It says "normalize." I bet if we just press that

Morty : But if the machine was made by spider people, normal would mean eight legs.

Beth : Oh, God! Are you gonna go on another spiel like you did with the flesh-colored crayon? I’m pretty sure "normalize" will make her normal. Aah! I’d call that progress.

Morty : She’s huge!

Beth : And normal!

Summer : I’m not normal!

Morty : Mom!

Beth : Okay, this says "reverse." Done and done.

Morty : I don’t think that’s a good idea.

Morty : Oh, come on! What else could "reverse" possibly mean?

Summer : Aah!

Morty : Mom, call Rick! Thank you.

Beth : There’s a customer-service number on here.

Morty : Mom! Oh, man.


Rick : This is gonna be awesome! I got to hand it to you, Jerry. This was a solid idea.

Jerry : Uh, yeah. Uh-huh.

Rick : And you know what? I’ll cop to it. I put a lot of strain on your marriage. It wasn’t fair. I’m sorry.

Jerry : What?!

Rick : I didn’t respect your marriage. I certainly didn’t do it any favors. And for what it’s worth, I’ll apologize to Beth for it when we get home. Whoo! Whirly Dirly! Yeah!

Jerry : Stop the ride! We got to get off.

Rick : What are you talking about, buddy?

Jerry : We got to get out of this thing. We got to get out!

Rick : Jerry, come on, man! We haven’t even gotten to the first whirly.

Jerry : No, no, this sucks. It’s so boring. I mean, I’m falling asleep here. Let’s just get out and crawl down the sides. Uh, get down! Duck down! It’s more fun when you scrunch down.

Rick : Jerry, what the Oh shit

[Jerry is shot, Rick engages in hand to hand combat with the assassins]

Jerry : Rick, up here! There’s a spot where you can kill him!

Rick : Good call, Jerry! Hey, how’d you know about that?

Jerry : Uh

[Immortality field is breached]

Kid playing in resort : [shoots his sister and she dies for real] Lisa?

Rick : So, uh, Jerry, big fan of the Whirly Dirly, are you?

Jerry : Not anymore. Obviously.

Rick : But when you were, how did you know about it?

Risotto Groupon : [groan] We had a deal, Jerry Smith… [pass out]

Jerry : It’s a really common name.

Act 2

Jerry : Now, take it easy, Rick. You’ve been in a serious roller-coaster crash. It’s It’s no time to be thinking about who did or didn’t play a role in your attempted murder. Get it off me! It’s eating me! Look, I confess, okay? They told me about all the bad stuff you did to this planet and reminded me of all the bad stuff you did to me. But then you said you were sorry, and I realized you’re not a monster Not like this thing. It’s got me good. This is a mislead, right? You’re inventing a thing to save me.

Rick : That would be called a knife, Jerry. It’s been invented. I’m making a way out of here One seat ought to do it.

Jerry : I’m sorry. I-I made a mistake. I won’t do it again!

Rick : Nobody ever does.

Jerry : You self-righteous piece of [bleep]! You took my family!

Rick : I took your family? Who do you think had more taken from them when you shot 20 ccs of liquid dream-killer into my daughter? She was Rick’s daughter, Jerry. She had options!

Gibble Snake : Oof.

Rick : That all ended because she felt sorry for you. You act like prey, but you’re a predator! You use pity to lure in your victims! That’s how you survive! I survive because I know everything. That snakes survives because children wander off, and you survive because people think, "Oh, this poor piece of [bleep]. He never gets a break. I can’t stand the deafening silent wails of his wilting soul. I guess I’ll hire him or marry him."

Jerry : Rick! Rick! I knew you wouldn’t let me die.

Rick : That was never an option.

Jerry : Because you never had a son.

Rick : No, because I need a living organism coated in gibble snake bile to attract a shmooglite runner.

Jerry : Wait, what’s happening?

Rick : Use that confusion, Jerry. It’ll make you wriggle more like an abandoned newborn.

Jerry : Jesus Christ! What the Rick?! Help! Help me! Aaah!

Rick : There’s a space port 20 miles south. We’ll be able to board a galaxy class cruise ship and jump through a wormhole that will put us within spitting distance of the Milky Way. But, hey, it’s about the journey, not the destination, right, Jerry?

[Smith house]

Beth : Just stay put, sweetie! Mom’s still on hold.

Customer Service : Morphizer customer service. How may I help you?

Beth : Yes, I’m having a little trouble with one of your machines.

Customer Service : Oh, I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am. Do you see a little compartment on the side of the machine?

Beth : Let me check. Yes, got it.

Morty : Mom?

Customer Service : Great! Now, do you see the little button next to it?

Beth : I do.

Customer Service : Give that button a push.

Beth : Okay.

Morty : Mom, listen to me!

Customer Service : We’re free!!

Beth : Okay, so I pushed the button, and three little men ran out. What do I do next? Hello? I think we got disconnected. Morty!

Morty : Don’t "Morty" me! I tricked Rick into taking Dad on an adventure because I thought I could get a break from this kind of but no! Like father, like damn daughter! You want to be like Rick, congratulations! You’re just as arrogant and just as irresponsible!

Gene : [walks up to fence] Everything okay here?

Morty : Mind your own damn business, Gene! I’m having a conversation with my mother here! Kissing Rick’s ass isn’t gonna help him keep him around, Mom, but it will help you lose everyone else.

Beth : Like I lost Summer.

Morty : Hey, you haven’t lost her yet.

Beth : No, I definitely did. She’s gone.

Morty : God damn it!


Security : Go ahead.

Rick : Oh, come on.

Jerry : What’s happening?

Security : Your friend is class C or above cybernetic augmentations. Emphasis on the above. In any case, he needs to be neutralized.

Jerry : What?! Wait!

Rick : Ugh! Brain hurty.

Jerry : What did you do?

Security : It’s a synaptic dampener that blocks violent tendencies and controversial thought. He will now be an ideal passenger.

Rick : I want cookies and a 90-minute cut of "Avatar."

Jerry : Seriously? [snaps fingers]

Rick : Quit it.

Security : It’ll wear off in six hours. It’s cheaper than banning dangerous people from flights. I mean, let everybody buy a ticket, right? Otherwise, the terrorists win.

[Smith house]

Beth : Aah! I’m sorry I’m not a classic maternal archetype. Okay, I don’t know what to do when you people come to me with your weird puberty issues. What are you gonna do when your daughter asks you if she’s attractive?

Morty : I’ll say "yes"!

Beth : Morty, gross!

Morty : Well, she’s gonna be super hot. Her mother’s gonna be Jessica Wait, when did Summer ask you that?!

Beth : Right before she Clive Barkered herself. Why?

Morty : Wait, I know where she is! Ethan and Summer were supposed to go camping, and then he dumped Summer for this girl, Tricia Lange, who’s got huge boobies and took her. Campsite The one with the name that sounds like somebody gave up halfway through naming it. Uh Camp Flabanabba!

Beth : Mama’s coming, baby. Mama’s coming, and she cares about your titties!


Jerry : They have sweet smiggle honey cookies. Mmm! And low-calorie petroleum flakes.

Rick : Obviously cookies.

Jerry : Let’s get you the flakes then.

Rick : Okay, but it’s not what I wanted.

Jerry : Well, maybe next time, you won’t be such a dumb piece of and you can pick for yourself.

Rick : That’s not nice.

Jerry : What’s that? Did you just have a controversial thought?

Rick : No.

Jerry : That’s what I thought, bitch. You little punk-ass. This is the best.

Assassin : I agree. You’ve made things even easier than if you hadn’t been incompetent.

Rick : Uh-oh. We get shoot-shoot now.

Captain's Voice : Alright folks, if you could please take your seats, we’re about to enter the wormhole. So, I hope everybody bought a dinner first.

Rick : Nice.

Jerry : Nice.

Assassin : Jerry, step over there and lock yourself in the escape pod.

Jerry : You’re not killing us?

Assassin : I’m killing Rick. You’re free to go. You’re no threat to me or anyone.

Jerry : Now you’re just being mean.

Rick : Yeah, you’re mean No offense.

Assassin : Mean would be shooting you, Jerry. This is saving a bullet. Go back to your quietly ashamed family and live out the rest of your days in denial of your vagina fantasies.

Jerry : It was a one-time thought that everyone has!

Assassin : What are you doing?

Jerry : I’m being triumphantly brave!

Assassin : It’s not triumphant or brave. You’re not risking anything.

Jerry : You might shoot me.

Assassin : I think you know I won’t. Because you know I feel sorry for you. You’re just doing this so you can tell yourself you fought Ow!

Computer voice : Temporal shield compromised.

Assassin : Congratulations, Jerry. You get to die a man.

Jerry : Uh, that’s okay! I’ll leave! Please don’t shoot. I-I’m the vagina guy, remember? Whoa! What is happening to me? Where is this? Where am I? Am I dead? A-Am I Am I still alive?

Rick : Those aren’t the questions you should be asking.

Jerry : Huh?!

Rick : Shh! Ah, got ya! Come here, you little pumpkin. I have shit on my ass.

Assassin : Whoa, oof this!

Rick : Who am I?

Assassin : Who am I?

Jerry : I’m time! I’m literally time!

All : Whooooa! Aah!

Jerry : Oh, God. I feel like our souls were united, and we were all one with eternity.

Assassin : Our body’s unchanged, yet our minds have lived a thousand lifetimes. Is that enough time for me to forgive you?

Rick : I don’t know, but it’s enough time for a synaptic dampener to wear off.

Jerry : [bleep]! He hadn’t decided he was still going to kill us!

Rick : He was talking himself into it. I’ve seen it before. Cosmic apotheosis wears off faster than salvia.

Jerry : I’m starting to believe you because I just finished merging with your essence for an endless epoch, and I’m already back to thinking you’re an asshole.

Rick : Fine with me. Let’s just go our separate ways. Sounds like you and the word "epoch" have a lot of catching up to do.

Jerry : Wait, don’t leave me!

Captain's Voice : Alright folks, you're free to get up and walk around the cabin and maybe take the wormhole out for breakfast.

Another Voice : Ok, you can do the dinner one or the breakfast one but not both.

[Jerry and Rick launce escape pod] [Beth's car]

Beth : You think you got that thing figured out?

Morty : Yeah, I know what I’m doing.

Beth : Good. Because I have an idea.


Tricia : It’s actually a contraction of "some" and "more," you see that?

Ethan : Oh, wow. I was way off.

[Summer monster is about to attack and Beth monster shows up to comfort her]

Ethan : Morty, what’s happening here?

Morty : Summer got into my grandpa’s garage, messed around, and turned herself into a monster. My mom did the same to make her feel better. She’s a good mom.

Tricia : Oh, my God. I have to go call my mother!

Ethan : Tricia, wait!

Morty : Ethan! Ethan! Hey, it’s okay. Sit down. You made my sister cry, Ethan. You messed with her body image.

Ethan : Look, Morty, I

Morty : Shh, shh, shh. Careful, Ethan. Your s’more is burning.

[Escape pod lands at Smith house]

Rick : Uh, I guess we better get on the same page about our fake adventure.

Jerry : Right.

Rick : I’ll make you a deal. I’ll leave out the part where you tried to murder me

Jerry : And I’ll leave out the part where you admitted to sabotaging our marriage.

Rick : You want to?

Jerry : Nah, if the family sees me like this, they’ll feel sorry for me. Which is no longer my signature move. Later days, amigo. Actually, I just realized, I don’t have my wallet, and my bus pass is in there, so maybe

Rick : Stay strong, Jerry. I believe in you!

Post-Credits Scene

Customer Service #1 : I tell you, fellas. This is the life.

Customer Service #2 : It certainly is.

Customer Service #3 : To freedom! Ooh! Looks like a 4-22.

Customer Service #2 : Ooh, a couple cranks on scaling knob with a four dilabyte cross fade would fix that in a jiff.

Customer Service #1 : Four? You’d be lucky to clear 13% de-morphized with that kind of range.

Customer Service #3 : Gentlemen, gentlemen, what did we agree on?

Together : No work talk! Let’s just relax and enjoy our retirement, shall Oh, my God! Aaah!

Honey I Blew Up The Kid1992

A Rickle in Time

Author(s): Justin Roiland

Transcriber/Editor(s): D. Lint

Date Aired: 2015-07-26

Reference Name(s): A Wrinkle In Time

Reference Date(s): 1962

[Open aerial view/zoom on the Smith home] (Morty, Rick, and Jerry) (Everything is frozen besides Morty, Rick and Summer. Morty is vacuuming Jerry with a hand vac.) Enter: Summer)

Summer : Hurry up Morty, Grampa's about to unfreeze time. You know you really should be cleaning from top to bottom.

Morty : I know how to vacuum Mom and Dad, Summer, I've been doing it for six months!

Summer : Then you've been doing it wrong for six months. Oh, my God, is that mildew?

Morty : It's not my fault we froze time on a humid day!

Summer : You have dropped so many balls, man. Do you ever get scared Grampa Rick might make me his new sidekick?

Morty : What? What kind of monster are you?

Summer : A competent one.

Rick : Who cares about the *belch* thing you guys are talking about? The whole point of freezing time is to stop giving a fuck. Put a shirt on your dumb dad and let's get this dumb universe rolling. Let's do this thing.

(Morty puts shirt on Jerry backwards.)

Rick : Alright, listen, you two, we froze time for a pretty long time, so when I unfreeze it, the world's time is gonna be fine, but our time's gonna need a little time to, you know, stabilize.

Morty : Our time is gonna be unstable? What does that even mean?

Rick : It means relax and stop being a pussy, Morty. I thought you learned that by now. It also means don't touch your parents or we could shatter into countless theoretical shards.

Morty : Wait a minute, what?

Rick : And away we go!

(Rick unfreezes time.) (Mr. Benson falls off the roof.)

Morty : Uh, did we ever put that mattress under Mr. Benson?

Rick : Shhh, Morty!

(Jerry opens the door angrily)

Jerry : ...A THING OR TWO ABOUT... wait, what? Was the house...? When we pulled up I could have sworn the house was completely trashed.

Rick : Negative visualization, Jerry. It explains a lot about where you're at. Hi, sweety.

Beth : Hi, dad.

(Summer and Morty recoil from Beth as she approaches to hug Rick)

Beth : Summer, Morty, are you okay?

Morty : W-We just missed you a lot.

Summer : Yeah, we missed you so much. Too much to hug you though.

(Rick motions Summer and Morty behind him.)

Rick : Yeah it would literally destroy them. Now listen, why do—why do—why—why don't you guys go get a free sunday ice cream, (Rick puts a rubber band around a rolled up wad of cash) go out there and get some ice creams. Here's five hundred dollars cash in unmarked moneys. I'm just gonna put it on the floor and uh, kick it on over to ya. You guys go nuts.

Jerry : This better not be a bribe. If I find a single thing out of place in this house, my love of ice cream won't save you. I'll get my jacket.

Beth : Sweety, is your shirt on backwards?


Summer : *Gasp*

Morty : Oh!

Rick : Uh oh.


Jerry : Yeah, I like it this way. I'm not stupid.


Morty : Phew...

Summer : *Exhales*


Rick : Man that guy is the Red Grin Grumble to pretending he knows what's going on. (Morty and Summer laugh) Oh you agree, huh? (Summer: Funny) You like that Red Grin Grumble reference? (Summer: Yeah.) Well guess what? I made him up. You really are your father's children. Think for yourselves, don't be sheep.

[Intro sequence] [Trans. Outside Morty's house] (Mr. Benson is being loaded into an ambulance.) [Trans. Inside Morty's house]

Summer : God, I feel terrible.

Rick : Yup, it really makes you appreciate how fickle the universe can be. (Rick opens refrigerator) [Trans. Inside refrigerator] One minute you're falling off a roof for six months, the next minute, bam!

[Trans. Inside Morty's house]

Morty : Uh, just to be clear, it was Summer's job to put the mattress under-

Summer : (interrupting) Uh, what? It was your job, Morty. (Summer pokes Morty.)

Morty : Nuh uh!

Summer : Yeah huh!

Rick : Actually, sorry Summer, I gotta back the M bomb on this one. I remember the conversation. We told Morty to replace all the bank's money with cookies, your job was to put the mattress under Mr. Benson.

Morty : Boom! In your face Summer! You really dropped the ball, man.

Summer : Shut up Morty, you vindictive little turd!

Morty : You shut up you big... female asshole!

(Alternate selves first appear)

Alternate Morty : Hey, don't shove me!

Summer : I didn't!

Morty : You didn't what?

Alternate Summer : What's your problem?

Morty : What's yours?

Alternate Summer : Shut up!

Morty : You shut up!

Rick : Whoa whoa wh-what the hell hell hell hell hell?

(Time splits into two - alternate timelines will be ordered from top to bottom, left to right.)

All Ricks : Oh God, oh no, what did you guys just do?

Summer 1 : What do you mean?

Summer 2 : What could we do?

All Summers : Wait, what am I saying?

Rick : *belch* Were either of you guys uncertain about anything just now?

All Mortys : Oh man... I don't feel good.

Morty 1 : Am I me? I think so.

Morty 2 : A-am I talking right now?

All Mortys : Wait, who said that?

All Ricks : Alright both of you, just don't move, don't speak, don't think. I have to check something.

Summer 1 : What should we do Morty?

Summer 2 : I'm gonna help Grampa.

Morty 1 : Let's see if he needs help.

Morty 2 : What do you mean you're gonna help him.

Summer 1 : Ugh, I can help too.

[Trans. Inside Rick's garage]

All Mortys : What's going on Rick?

All Summers : What's happening Grampa?

All Ricks : Shut up! (Rick turns on a monitor) Oh crap are you kidding me? Two dots? This never needs to be more than one dot. The two of you made us uncertain!

Morty 1 : What do you mean?

Morty 2 : What? In English?

Summer 1 : What? English please?

Summer 2 : What are you talking about?

All Ricks : Our time is fractured. You two somehow created a feedback loop of uncertainty that's split our reality into two equally possible impossiblities. W-we're exactly like a man capable of sustaining a platonic friendship with an attractive female co-worker. We're entirely hypothetical.

All Mortys : But I thought there were infinite timelines.

All Ricks : We're not on any timeline, dummy. Look.

(Rick opens the garage door, revealing floating cats, trees and islands.)

All Mortys : Oh, my God!

All Summers : Are those cats?

All Ricks : I assume they're Schrodinger's cats. A-actually, I assume they both are and aren't, just like us.

Summer 1 & Morty 2: Is the world gone? Where are Mom and Dad?

All Ricks : “Mom and Dad?” Get your head out of your family's ass. The three of us are lost in a timeless oblivion. Your parents get to exist. They're probably living it up in some pointless grounded story about their sh*t marriage.

[Trans. Inside Jerry's car]

Jerry : Cold Stone Creamery is the best. What should we do with our remaining twenty dollars?

Beth : You realize they sing no matter how much you tip.

(Jerrry hits a deer.)

Beth : Holy shit! What happened?

Jerry : I hit a deer! W-we have to tell the cops you were driving.

Beth : W-what?

Jerry : This is Rum Raisin!

(Beth hands Jerry her ice cream, gets out of the car and goes over to the deer.)

Beth : It's still alive.

Jerry : Well, do we- do I uh, get a big rock? Or--

Beth : It's not an armadillo, asshole!

Jerry : I thought that's what a man's supposed to say, it's not like I could have actually done it.

Beth : If we were near a hospital, I could treat it, but I-I think we have to just-

Jerry : It's okay, this is just something that happens. And even if we were in a hospital, what could we do, you're a horse surgeon, not a deer surgeon.

Beth : So...

Jerry : Well don't different animals-

Beth : Require different levels of skill to keep alive?

Jerry : Oh God...

Beth : Get the deer in the car, Jerry.

Jerry : Yes Beth.

[Trans. Inside Rick's garage]

All Ricks : This is why you don't freeze time, you guys. It's incredibly irresponsible.

Morty 1 : And you did it so you could clean the house after a party.

Morty 2 : And you did it so you could clean the house after a party?

All Ricks : Look, there's no time to hold me accountable, Morty. Like literally no time. Look around. Uncertainty is inherently unsustainable. Eventually everything either is or isn't. And we've got about four hours to be “is”.

Morty 1 : Or...

Morty 2 : Or?

All Ricks : We “isn't”

All Ricks : Alright, since this time crystal exists in both possibilities, and since it's impossible that I didn't nail this, I'm probably about to press this button in both possibilities at exactly the same time.

Morty 1 & Summer 2: How do you know you're gonna-

All Ricks : Whatever you're asking, the answer is I'm amazing. And away we go!

(Rick presses a button, the timelines almost merge)

Rick : Huh, what do you know, it's working

Summer 1 : Ow, ow ouch!

Morty 2 : Whoa, ow, ow.

Rick : Oh shit.

(Realities separate again)

All Ricks : What the hell is wrong with you two!? I—I m—I m—I mean you four!?

All Mortys and Summer 2: That hurt! That was painful...

All Ricks : Good I'm glad it was painful. You do deserve it! I saw you, you're both *belch* all over the damn place. We've been split for twenty minutes and your lives are already scattered to the quantum f***ing wind? What the hell do either of you have to be so uncertain about? Your brand of zit cream? Which chair to sit in while I do everything? Come on, spit it out!

All Mortys : Well you don't exactly make it easy, Rick!

Morty 1 : You make fun of me all the time and now Summer's doing it too!

Morty 2 : You're always picking on me and now you got someone to kiss your ass!

Summer 1 : Me? What about you? Would you get more excited to see me fail? You want Grampa all to yourself!

Summer 2 : Me? You're just as mean to me because you're jealous, because you want Grampa all to yourself!

All Ricks : Alright, cool it, I see what's happening here. You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe, you both wanna be “Grampa's favorite.” I can fix this. Morty sit here, Summer, you sit here. Now listen, I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grampa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah, I can prove it mathematically. Actually, let me grab my whiteboard. This has been a long time coming anyway.

[Trans. Outside animal hospital.] [Trans. Inside animal hospital.]

Beth : Emergency, wounded deer coming in.

[Trans. Inside animal hospital operating room.] (Vet is taking a snake's pulse.)

Vet : Three. Excuse me, you can't be back here.

Beth : I'm a certified horse surgeon, and this deer needs medical attention. Nurse, please move that snake.

Vet : That's my nurse, and as a horse surgeon, I'm sure that you know that deer have much smaller, much more intricate organs-

Beth : As a vet, I'm sure you know a deer is closer to a horse than you are to a doctor, so let's save the measuring for when our dicks are out, it's time to save a life!

Vet : Geez...

(Vet removes Snake from operating table. Beth and Jerry place deer on operating table.)

Beth : That's odd, this deer's wounded.

Jerry : Uh, yeah, I was there, you don't have to rub it in.

Beth : I mean it's been shot. With a gun.

Hunter : My gun.

Vet : May I help you, sir?

Hunter : No, but you can stop helping this deer. I shot it before these two hit it with their car and I followed them when they hauled it off. This deer belongs to me.

Beth :sigh* We don't have time for this, okay! I need anesthetic, and deer saline!

Vet : Look, I don't know what the law says about this, but I took an oath that I would let no animal come to harm. Except when sterilizing, aborting or euthenizing them and also when eating them at almost any meal.

Hunter : I'm calling my lawyer. I hope for all our sakes you're as bad a surgeon as I am a hunter.

Beth : In your dreams, bitch! Scalpel!

[Trans. Inside Rick's garage.]

All Ricks : So in conclusion, you're both equally mercurial, overly sensitive, clingy hysterical bird brained homunculi. And I honestly can't tell the two of you half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical. Alright, everything resolved? Everybody nice and certain about their position in my world?

In unison

All Mortys : Yes

All Summers : Yes.

end unison

All Ricks : Alright, perfect. Sit still, *belch* arms down, I'm gonna do this again, this time, be like Grampa.

Morty 2 : You mean drunk?

Rick 2 : What's that? You got something to say?

Rick 1 : And away we go!

Morty 2 : No.

Rick 2 : And away we go!

All Ricks : Huh, that's weird. Oh, my God.

All Summers : What?

All Ricks : That son of a bitch is gonna kill me!

Rick 2 : Follicle unfeeling sociopath. Don't you get it? He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one of the possibilities rather than merge them. I have to admit, it's always in the back of my mind too. The difference is I would never do it! Until now...

Rick 1 : Don't you get it? don't you get it? The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore. He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me. He probably figures it's easier to eliminate one of the possibilities rather than merge them. I have to admit, it's always in the back of my mind too. The difference is I would never do it! Until now...

All Mortys : Rick what the hell are you doing?

All Ricks : Saving our lives. After he takes me out he's gonna be coming for you!

All Summers : Who?

All Ricks : Me!

Rick 2 : You see that? Get down.

All Summers : Ahh!

All Mortys : Whoa whoa!

Rick 1 : I told you he's a psycho!

Rick 2 : He's lost it. The time fracture must have made him crazy!

Rick 1 : I don't know what to do! I don't know what to do!

Summer 2 or 4 after splitting into 4 (not shown): Oh crap!

(Reality splits into 4 parts)

All Ricks : Oh God, now there's three of them, we're outnumbered! Get in the cupboards! Wait, don't don't do that, they'll know... wait wait, think about getting in the cupboards but don't really. AAAAH IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT YOU SICK FUCKS? YOU WANNA SEE CHILDREN DIE?

[Trans. Inside animal hospital operating room.]

Beth : You son of a bitch, you don't stop living until I SAY SO!

Lawyer : Michael.

Vet : Who's this now?

Hunter : My lawyer.

Lawyer : I'm here to notify you ma'am, that in this county, any deer shot by a hunter is that hunter's property, regardless of how far it runs, or who intercepts it before it dies. It's called Brad's law. We can't make you stop the surgery, but at this point you're performing it on venison.

Hunter : Actually, I've decided not to eat it. All this fear and conflict. I'm sure it's ruined the meat. I'm just gonna use the head for my rec room wall.

Jerry : She normally works on horses.

Beth : Jerry, if you're not gonna help, get the fuck out of here! I will reach into heaven and yank your screaming deer soul back!

Vet : Jesus...

[Trans. Inside Rick's garage.]

All Ricks : Shh shh... I know where you are, you creepy old monster... I know how you think! Oh, is this where you think I'm going? You think I'm standing here? Well maybe you're right!

(Morty knocks Rick out with a fire extinguisher)

All Summers : Holy shit, now what?

All Mortys : Well if all of me knocked out all the Ricks, and you peed in all of your pants, doesn't that mean that we're all synchronized?

All Summers : Right.

All Mortys : Okay... so from now on, whatever we do we have to be certain.

All Summers : Right...

All Mortys : I think I'm certain we're F'd in the A.

[Cut to black] [Trans. Outside the house in Schrodinger cat space]

All Ricks : Oh God, my head. What did you guys do?

All Mortys : We put you in a dog crate because you were acting crazy, and you caused another time fracture.

All Summers : You tried to kill yourself!

All Ricks : Only in self defense, myself tried to kill me first! Guys, I don't expect you to understand this, but time breaking twice means our problem is two times bigger and we've got half as much time to solve it. Well actually, I do expect you to understand that, it's basic math. C-could someone just let me out of here? If I die in a cage I lose a bet.

All Summers : Well is there some way you can prove you're not a threat to yourself and others anymore?

All Ricks : Ah, for God's sake, alright here, give me the time crystal.

All Mortys : W-what're you doing?

All Ricks : Calling myself. Here, listen, *belch* it'll probably go to voice mail since, you know, I'm calling myself.

All Rick phones : Hello, Rick here.

All Ricks : Don't fall for it, it's a bit.

All Rick phones : Just kidding, haha! You just got Ricked. You've reached Rick's voicemail, you know what to do *beep*.

All Ricks : Hey Rick, it's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings. I know you know I mean it too. Take it easy. Whoa. Damn, look at this, I'm blown up. Three new voicemails. *voicemail repeats* Yeah yeah, I heard this one. *voicemail repeats two more times* You get the idea *belch* we're cool now.

All Summers : Okay, well we're still not gonna let you out of this crate.

All Ricks : Fine I'll just do it myself.

All Mortys : If you could get out that whole time why didn't you?

All Ricks : Because I waited until I was certain it was what I wanted to do, Morty. That's the difference between you and me. I'm certain, and you're a walking burlap sack filled with turds.

All Mortys : You know, geez Rick, y—y—you're really tearing into me right now. You know, words hurt.

(Testicle Monster A floats into view in a bubble.)

Morty 1 : Oh, my God!

Morty 2 : It's a monster!

Morty 3 : Oh, my God! It's a monster!

Summer 1 : It's a monster!

Summer 4 : It's a monster!

Testicle Monster A : Ey, ye ey, quit yellin' quit yellin'.

Summer 1 : *Screams*

Summer 4 : Oh, my God...

Morty 2, 3, and 4 : *Screams*

Testicle Monster A : What the fuck?! Your time is all ripped up to hell! You broke your time, twice!

All Ricks : *sigh*

Testicle Monster A : How did this happen?

Summers 2 & 3 : Yeah, but we don't even know, the first time...

Morty 1 & 4 : Who's that Brother Newman time elf?

Testicle Monster A : Shut the fuck up! Oh, damn, I'm from the 4th dimension. I can hear all o' y'all. Now let's just see what we got here for a second.

All Ricks : *groan*

Testicle Monster A : Ay, damn it, were you tryin' to use this to- oh, see, you broke time, and you thought you could just stick it back together with this? How you think you gonna move time while you're standin in it you dumn ass three-dimensional monkey ass dummies?

All Mortys : Oh way to go, Rick.

All Summers : Yeah Grampa, way to go.

All Ricks : Oh, what you're just gonna listen to this guy now? He's got a giant testicle for a head! He came here in a bubble. For all we know he could be the David Berkowitz of Nutsack Land.

Testicle Monster A : Shut up. Here, put these on. They'll sync your possibilities up so I can bring you back to certain time. Y'all just-just negligent, now ay, ay, ay, the three of you, put your collars on!

Summer 1, 2, and 3 : What are you talking about?

Morty 1, 2, and 3 : We have them on.

Rick 1, 2, and 3 : Uh, we did...

Rick 4 : We're not wearing collars.

Testicle Monster A : Exactly, because you're being obstinate.

Rick 1, 2 and 3: *belch* What?

Morty 1, 2 and 3: We did!

Summer 1, 2 and 3: They're on right now.

Rick 4: Alright, fine. Summer, Morty, put 'em on.

(Alternate timelines merge into one)

Rick : Yes, we're back, problem solved.

Summer : Yes, we're back to our own time.

Morty : Yes no more cats, no more cats, oh you did it, you fixed it.

Testicle Monster A : Yeah, now keep those collars on so you don't break your weak ass time again.

Rick : How long exactly do we have to wear these things? They're really embarassing.

Testicle Monster A : Well since you're goin' to time prison, I'd say you can keep em on forever.

Summer : Time prison?

Testicle Monster A : Yeah, well I don't know where you expect me to think you got that crystal over there, but the only way you dumb ass, assin' ass asses could ever have one, is if it was stolen.

Summer : You stole a time freezing crystal from testical monsters?

Rick : I would have been happy to pay for it, Summer, but they don't exactly sell them at Costco. Besides, there's a larger lesson to be learned here. Get him!

Testicle Monster A : Ututututut! You'd better keep back! Man this will turn your ass into a third trimester fetus from 30 yards.

[Trans. Inside animal hospital operating room.]

Vet : Hmm...

Beth : Isn't there a kitten somewhere that needs a manicure?

Lawyer : That's right Mrs. Smith, *whispers* give in to your anger. Neglect that deer.

Jerry : Honey, it's gonna be okay. These men are from the Cervine Institute of Elk, Moose Deer and Stag. They can take this deer to a helicopter and fly it to the country's top deer surgeon on a wildlife reserve across the state border, where your jurisdiction ends.

Vet : I guess that's the end of that.

Lawyer : There is just one more thing. According to this state's veterinarian statute, this animal can't be transferred until the current attending physician verbally confirms their inability to provide adequate care. You heard the man horse doctor, you have to say you couldn't hack it.

Jerry : We did it...

[Trans. Inside Rick's garage.]

Testicle Monster A : (On phone) Uh-huh, no motha- no, Earth, dude, I'm talking 'bout, yeah, with the dinosaurs. No, if you've get to the dolphin people, you've gone too far. Alright man, I'll talk to you later, okay. (hangs up) You know what they do with 3rd dimensional life forms in time prison? Same thing they do in every other prison, only forever.

Morty : Why are you doing this?

Testicle Monster A : You think I wanna be an omniscient immortal being transcending time and space my whole life? I got ambitions man, bringin' you guys in is my ticket up.

Rick : What if I told you there's a huge ticket up right behind you?

Testicle Monster A : You really think I'm that stupid?

Rick : Alright, hear me out on this. You're immortal, right, which means your life is infinite. Well in that case there's 100% chance that you'll eventually do everything, including turning around to look behind you.

Testicle Monster A : I cannot argue that.

(Rick hits the creature with a wrench and grabs the organic gun he was holding)

Rick : Ah, God, gross and weird!

(Rick drops the gun and it crawls toward the street)

Testicle Monster A : Chris!

(The gun/Chris runs into the road and is run over by a car)

Testicle Monster A : You killed my gun!

Rick : Summer, Morty, take off your collars!

Testicle Monster A : What? What the hell are you doing?

Rick : Good question. I suppose the answer is: I'm not certain!

Testicle Monster A : Oh, no, what are you doin'?

(Time splits into 2 timelines)

Rick 1 : I have no idea!

Rick 2 : I'm not sure.

(Time splits into 4 timelines)

All Ricks (off sync): Maybe I will, maybe I won't.

(Time Splits into 8 timelines)

All Ricks (off sync): I'm really uncertain about everything, even kicking your ass!

Testicle Monster A : Lis- ay, to, AH. But these arms are vestigial. Now you poked me where an eye would have been about six million years ago.

All Summers (off sync): Come on, let's help Grampa.

All Mortys (off sync): Yeah. I'm like a hundred percent not sure about anything.

(Time splits twice, now 32 Timelines)

Summers 1, 2, 3, 8, 9, 10, 12, 17, 18, 20, 25, 28, 29, 31 : Beat his ass!

Summers 1, 3, 4, 5, 7, 8, 10, 11, 14, 16, 18, 19, 23, 25, 27, 28 : Get him!

Summers 2, 6, 9, 12, 13, 15, 17, 20, 21, 22, 24, 26, 29, 30, 31, 32 : Beat him up!

(Zooms into only show one timeline: Timeline 23)

Morty 23 : Kick his ass, Rick!

(Ricks, Mortys, and Summers hit Testicle Monster A one last time, he falls back and his head explodes.)

Testicle Monster A : Ow, I'm defeated...

Summer 23 : What's happening?

Rick 23 : Time is falling apart, we've got to get back to certainty, quick! Give me your collars!

Morty 23 : Oh man, don't you have to fix, like, thirty of them?

Rick 23 : Morty, I have to fix three of them, and then there's thirty-one other versions of me that have to also fix three for a total of 96. I'm not an idiot. I know how to be decisive, now hand me that (Phillips/Flathead) screwdriver. Actually, make it a (Phillips/Flathead).

(Time splits into 64 timelines)

All Ricks (off sync): Oh, shit.

[Trans. Inside Jerry's car]

Jerry : Look, I know I was kind of a nuisance today. I know it's my fault we hit the deer, and I know you wanted to be the one to save it.

Beth : Whatever. How petty would I have to be to care less about an animal's life than my own ego?

Jerry : Hmm... you'd have to be pretty petty. But you'd still be the woman I married.

Beth : Where are we going?

Jerry : One last stop.

Beth : Where's the helicopter?

Jerry : There is no helicopter and there is no Cervine Institute.

Beth : But the top deer surgeon...

Jerry : I'm looking at her. Thanks for F.D.'ing me up like that.

Cold Stone Employee : You'd better get moving, these lights are designed for basic ice cream work, they're not gonna last all night.

Beth : I need five minutes.

(Short slow-panning montage of surgery)

Beth : Jerry, this was the most romantic weekend I've ever had.

Jerry : Thanks to Cold Stone Creamery.

Cold Stone Employee : You're welcome.

[Trans. Inside Rick's garage.] (Zoom into Timeline 30) (Presumably)

All Ricks : Okay, we're out of time. It's ironic, huh?

Morty 30 : Rick!

Rick 30 : What's goin' on?

Morty 30 : The collar, oh, the latch is broken! It won't latch closed around my neck!

(Zoom pan to Timeline 28) (Presumably)

All Mortys Except Morty 30: What's wrong, how come our collars aren't green?


All Ricks Except Rick 30: Obviously because someone doesn't know how to put his collar on and one of me is stuck trying to help him.


All Mortys Except Morty 30: Don't blame this on me, you're the one that couldn't fix a latch!

(Zoom pan to Timeline 30)

Rick 30 : What are you talking about, it's not broken, Morty, I fixed it, just put it on!

Morty 30 : It won't close, it's broken!

Rick 30 : Fine, bring it here.

Morty 30 : Ooh, ooh, Rick!

(Zoom pan to Timeline 15) (Presumably)

All Ricks Except Rick 30: Oh, really, Morty? Well I'm sorry, I'm not the one that's so fucking uncertain about everything!


All Mortys Except Morty 30: You know what I'm certain of, Rick? I've really made up my mind about this, I never wanna see you again!


All Ricks Except Rick 30: You're never gonna see anything again you little dummy! You killed us!

(Zoom pan to Timeline 30)

Rick 30 : Goddammit!

Morty 30 : Ooh

Rick 30 : Morty where's your collar I'll fix it

Morty 30 : I dropped it


All Ricks Except Rick 30: What the hell? What have you done to me, Morty?

Rick 30 : I'm okay with this. Be good Morty. Be better than me. Bullsh*t The other collar! I'm not okay with this! I am not okay with this! Oh, sweet Jesus please let me live. Oh, my God I—I've gotta fix this thing, please God in Heaven, please, God, oh Lord, hear my prayers. Yes! Fuck you God! Not today, bitch.


All Ricks Except Rick 30: Please, God, if there's a Hell, please be merciful to me.

Rick 30 : Yes I did it! There is no God! In your face. One dot, motherfuckers!

Morty : Yes, oh, yes, yes!

Summer : Woohoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Morty : Oh, that was a close call. Oh yeah, do it Rick, do it right.

Rick : You know what I'm talking about, oh yeah. I'm gonna do the cabbage patch, Morty. Check me out I'm doing the cabbage patch dance. It's a classic dance, remember, like this. Oh shit look at that.

Morty : Do the cabbage patch. Do—do—do the dance.

Summer : Hey wait a second, how come you guys took longer to get here?

Morty : I don't know. I think like one sixty-fourth of my collars didn't work. It's hard to keep straight now that I have sixty-three other memories of everything.

Rick : Yeah.

Morty : But I feel like one of the sixty-four Ricks like, sacrificed himself for me, maybe, I think.

Rick : Shut up, Morty. The last time you felt something, we all almost died. You little s—piece of shit.

Beth : Hey guys, we're home.

(Summer and Morty run up and hug Beth and Jerry, respectively.) In unison

Morty Mom, Dad!

Summer Mom, Dad!

End unison

Jerry : Um, hold the phone, where did you guys get those necklaces from? Uh, Lady Gaga, table for three, am I right?

Beth : *laughs*

Jerry : Are you guys Power Rangers? But only on one small part of your necks? Hey, do those things need batteries? Were they included? Clean up in the fruit isle! Not in a homophobic way though, they're just fruity necklaces is all I was saying.

Beth : *laughing* I'm gonna pee my pants.

Morty : Doesn't feel so good, does it?

Rick : No it doesn't. It hurts.

Beth : I'm gonna pee-hee-hee.

Jerry : Somebody call the planet of Tron, we have three Tron people over here. But seriously, are these Halloween costumes? Are you going as motorcycles? With green headlights instead of normal ones? Are you dogs? Robot dogs? Gosh, you guys are lame. Are those chokers from the 90's? What is this, a 90's nostalgia thing? Are you guys in that movie “The Craft” with Fairuza Balk?

[End credits] [Trans. Testicle Monster travelling through time, stops at ice age with a wooly mammoth in the background.]

Testicle Monster A : Hey man, when the hell were you?

Testicle Monster B : Looking for you, asshole.

Testicle Monster A : I told you past the dinosaurs.

Testicle Monster B : You know how much time is past the dinosaurs? Half of all time!

Testicle Monster A : Come on, man, it's this way...

Testicle Monster B : Come on, give me that thing, speed it up, he can't be this far back.

[Monster A spots a man that looks Rick writing on a chalkboard]

Testicle Monster A : There he is, there he is, there he is, there he is, stop, stop.

[Man who looks like Rick turns around, it turns out to be Albert Einstein]

Testicle Monster B : So that's the guy, huh?

Testicle Monster A : Yeah, that's him. Hey, man, remember me? [he and Monster B start beating up Einstein, knocking him to the ground] I got something for your ass! You don't mess with time! You don't f*** with time, mother****er! [he and Monster B leave]

Albert Einstein : I vill mess vith time!

[Einstein gets up and determinately writes E=MC2 in the chalkboard]

Albert Einstein : I vill mess vith time...

[END] A Wrinkle In Time1962

Vindicators 3: The Return of Worldender

Author(s): Justin Roiland

Transcriber/Editor(s): D. Lint

Date Aired: 2015

Reference Name(s): The Avengers

Reference Date(s): 2012

Prologue Edit

Rick Sanchez: Don’t let any of those things get away, Morty. It their DNA gets into Earth’s food chain, our entire species could be sterilized.

Morty Smith: Then why aren’t we killing them?

Rick: Right, next time I need a species sterilized, who’s gonna do it for me, you?

Morty: Whoa! Rick! I-Is that the Vindibeacon? We’re being called to assemble by the Vindicators!

Rick: I refuse to answer a literal call to adventure, Morty. Let it go to voice mail.

Rick, the Vindicators only call when the universe itself is at stake.

They’re the first line of defense against evil.

They’re the guardians of the unguarded! They’re the writers of their own press releases, Morty.

They’re a bunch of drama queens that spend an hour talking and 20 minutes jumping around while shit blows up.

They’re a phase.

We did one, it was the big even of that summer, let it die.

I, Morty Smith, invoke my right to choose one in every 10 Rick and Morty adventures.

God damn it! Read ‘em and weep.

Fine. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Yes! Vindicator Command Ship Beacon received. We’re doing Vindicators Twoooooo!

Whoops. Uh, Morty, you might want to freeze some sperm.

Act 1 Edit

Supernova: Vindicators.

Worldender is back, and this time he’s out to end more than worlds.

We have reason to believe his stronghold is located on My balls.

Rick! The Terraneous system.

Once in range, Million Ants will scan for pheromone activity which should lead us to the location of the base.

Oh, that’s Million Ants.

I can’t see the ants from over here, I just assumed that was, uh, turd man, wiggly turd man.

Rick, stop! Rick, you have something to add to the briefing? Uh, yeah, just a few more design notes Um, this guy, the, uh the, uh I am Crocubot.

Right, Crocubot.

So, you’re half cold, unfeeling reptile, half also cold equally unfeeling machine.



So, your origin is what? Y-You fell into a vat of redundancy? Got damn! Noob Noob, we’re having a briefing.

If I can continue, Rick.

I anticipate sophisticated security measures.

I trust you can be of service there.

Well, let me check my list of powers and weaknesses.

Ability to do anything But only whenever I want Yeah, that sounds like a job for me.

I wish he had the ability to check his attitude.

Alan Rails, ladies and gentlemen.

After his parents tragic death in a railroad accident, he gained the power to summon ghost trains.

It’s not all bad though, they were spared having to see their grown son wear a WHISTLE.

Got damn! Thanks, Noob Noob.

This guy gets it.

Vance Maximus, Renegade Star Soldier Sorry I’m late.

It was happy hour.

Happy hour.

Uh, I was also late because of my drinking and mentioned it to zero applause.

Rick Sanchez. Tinkerer of Terror.

Man, that’s hard to say.

And Morty, right? Whoa, yeah! I never forget a kid.

What do you say, Vindicators, let’s make this three for three? - Haha! - Yes! Did he say "three for three"? Did he say he never forgets a kid? You mean two for two, right, Vance? Actually, we assembled a second time last summer to fight Doomnomitron.

So this is Vindicators Three? And you guys did Vindicators Two without us? I sense insecurity.

Are you sure there’s not just a picnic nearby? I guess he found his crowd.

Pretty toothless stuff, guys.

I hope you’re happy with the adventure so far, Morty.

These guys are even lamer than last time.

We weren’t here last time, remember? They did a whole Vindicators without us.

A bunch of them got killed, too.

They lost Lady Katana, Calypso, Diablo Verde


Yeah, things did feel less diverse in there.

This article says the reason we weren’t involved was "personality conflicts". Don’t worry, Morty, they love you.

Superheroes need a wide-eyed unremarkable to tag along and react to everything like it’s mind blowing.

I think the personality conflict might have been you? Jesus How awesome is that? I mean, they wanted to not need me so bad they murdered three innocent heroes of color and they still had to bring me back? Rick, since it’s my adventure and all, could you do me a favor? Uh, the adventure is the favor, Morty.

Me sleeping on these linens is the favor.

I mean, w-w-what what are we vindicating? Comfort? Rick, this really bums me out.

It-It’s embarrassing to find out these guys don’t like us.

Why? Morty I defeat gagoos more powerful than these guys every week.

Yeah, but not heroes.

Oh, please, they just call themselves heroes so they can I’m calling them that, Rick! They’re my heroes.

Mine! Huh, no accounting for taste.

I’m gonna go get a drink.

PA System: Good morning, Vindicators.

Ship has arrived at Terraneous system.

All Vindicators report to the briefing room.

The The room from the, uh the Uh, it’s the d It’s a different room than Than conference room.

I’m sorry, it’s my first day as a PA System.

First-day jitters.

Oh, God.

Good morning.

Looks like your grandpa had a long night.

Crocubot, why don’t you escort Mr.

Sanchez to a more comfortable spot so that someone can clean up his diarrhea.

Oooh, I’m nervous about my first mission! Actually, Noob Noob, you have a new mission.

Got damn.

Vindicators, prepare for arrival.

Morty, the Vindicators and I had a chat this morning, and I’m afraid we need to make a little change.

I-I totally get it.

I-I’m so sorry.

You should be.

Running around in a yellow T-shirt like you’re not one of us.


I-I-I’m not a superhero.

Cop a squat, chief.

Everyone in the universe is a hero.

All you have to do is know the difference between good and bad, and root for good.

Rick says good and bad are artificial constructs.

Yeah, well, I get the feeling He kind of needs that to be the case.

Not coming, Noob Noob? Ohh! No, uh, I got stuff to do here.

Vance: Security drones, inbound.

Star Mother, grant me your wrath.

All aboard! Gun turret.

Are you all right? Yes.

I only lost 400 ants.

My queen is laying more.

I am back to one Million Ants.

Someone wake up Sanchez.

Ugh! Oh, Christ.


You’re up.


We’re taking fire from an automated turret.

Can you bring it offline? Uh-huh.

Uh, my God, that’s better.

Rick! Hey, I can’t help if I can’t see.

I could’ve just used a ghost train.

Really? You don’t say.

You would’ve used a ghost train? Hey, everybody, the ghost train guy would have used a ghost train.

- Man, you.

- Is there coffee? Hey, Morty, can you be a pal, Grandpa left his coffee maker on the ship, you know, the French press thing Get it yourself.

Little extra snippy this morning, aren’t you? Just focus on the mission, all right? Oh-oh-oh, I’m sorry, oh, you’re right.

Ohh, real serious.

Gotta take it real serious, huh? Son of a Steam Engine.

They’re all dead.

Why would Worldender do this to his own men and several women? Well, he is the Worldender.

The guy ends worlds.

Kind of his thing.

- Ohh, real scared. Real on alert, high alert over here.

Watch out!

What the [bleep]?!

It’s Worldender! What happened to him?

I sense his life-force is fading.

Million Ants, ladies and gentlemen. The ant colony with the power of two human eyes. All right. Short mission. Good mission. Remember when Alan wanted to use a ghost train? See you guys in Vindicators 4. Morty?

Rick, whoever did this is an even bigger threat than Worldender. We can’t leave now.

He’s right. This is far from over.

Well, have fun with that, but Morty and I have to meet a Lady Comet, a Monorail Man, Two Assholes, and a Full Alligator in like an hour. Shit.

I sense the presence of a greater evil.

Drunk Rick: [on video monitor screen] [drunk] Check, check. 1, 2… Okay. Is it recording? Good. Hello, Vindicators. Welcome to your reckoning, baby!

Rick: Well, it’s official. I had too much to drink last night.

Act 2 Edit

Drunk Rick: [on video monitor screen] You’re gonna watching this. You’re… you know, the Vindicators. So, now that we know-

Rick? What’s going on, buddy?

Obviously, I came here last night during a blackout.

"Obviously"? You came here and defeated our arch nemesis while so drunk you don’t remember doing it? That’s something "obvious" to you?

Look, I’m a lit- [burp] little more complex than you guys, and, no offense, but I’ve always suspected that a lot of what you do in a year could be knocked out in a couple of hours.

Drunk Rick: [on video monitor screen] So I thought, why not just do your job for you, so we can have a little fun game.

Morty: Rick, is-is this a "Saw" thing? Are you seriously Sawing the Vindicators?

Rick: Morty, I’m a drunk, not a hack.

Drunk Rick: [on video monitor screen] If you break the rules, lose the game or try to leave, you will die. Like in [burp] "Saaaaw"…

Rick: Well, I-I-I think we’ve seen enough, I’ll just figure out how to unplug this.

Drunk Rick: [on video monitor screen] Okay, here we go. Room #1. The Vindicators are known throughout the galaxy, but do they know yourselves, do you know yourselves? Match your-your shit, your-your gimmicks, with your faces, and y-you get it, it’s a matching thing. And do it in 3 minutes or you’ll all die.

Screw this. I’m not playing his game. I’m gonna find us a way out of here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on, Vance. He said you’d die if you tried to leave. That means there’s booby traps.

Why are you acting like that’s not you?

What part of "blackout" don’t you understand? I thought you drank.

Like cool drinking! Like sexy drinking, not this psycho, trailer-park shit!

Vance, stay calm.

Vance Maximus: Oh, so you’re the leader now, because we gave you a jacket? You’re the learning-disabled kid we do photo ops with.

Morty: Okay, ouch, but…

Vance Maximus: Okay, this- this is triggering me. I need space. I-I need space from this!

Give me one reason why, I shouldn’t crush your windpipe.

Because my epidermis is laced with a nanofiber defense mesh. And because, like I said, I don’t remember last night.

I told you not to invite this mummified mother-[bleep] back.

Alan, I’m not proud of what’s happening here, but if you keep coming at me, there’s gonna be another passenger on that ghost train.

Guys! I figured it out.

Drunk Rick: [on video monitor screen] Congrats! You did it-it!

It was a bit. All of the descriptors apply to all of you. Drunk Rick’s point is that none of you are very special or different. That’s always his point.

Let’s just get through this as quickly as possible. Then we’ll deal with the 2 of you.

The 2 of us? I hope you’re proud of yourself.

Uh, I kind of am. I saved the goddamn universe.

That’s not the issue, Rick!

Ahh, it would’ve been if I hadn’t!

Drunk Rick: [on video monitor screen, wearing Sherlock Holmes deerstalker hat] The Vindicators say their job is to fight evil wherever it hides, but they don’t Pick the location you’ll- you’ll never hear them even mention, because to fight darkness is to fight yourself.

Oh! I know this. Dorian 5!

Crocubot, don’t!

There’s no other possible answer. My mechanical and reptilian logic are certain of it.


Huh! I’m seeing more croc than bot here.

God damn it! Uh, what happened on Dorian 5? Nothing! Nothing? We exterminated a planet.



Doomnomitron was hiding there! He’s a shapeshifter.

Destroying Dorian 5 was the only way to kill him.

Come on, guys, we’re all thinking it.

Don’t Don’t make me say it.

Oh, okay.

This again.

You know, I could have made you a device to detect Doomnomitron from orbit like that.

I’m not the one that didn’t want you back.

Alan was.

If you lay those deaths at my doorstep one more time! Do not threaten her.

Drunk Rick: [on video monitor screen] Congrats, you did it.

What the hell is "Israel"?

It-It’s just something Rick starts talking about when he’s blackout drunk.

W-What? In w In w-w-what? Like, w-w-what’s my point?

In a way that has no point, you just babble about defense budgets and the United Nations and then you pass out.

So, to be clear, I sometimes reference the geopolitical complexities of the topic. Which is not the same as going to an anti-Semitic place.

I have not stake in this

I don’t either, I’m I’m just saying, if anything, the drunk version of me is probably so supportive of Israel he wants what’s best for it and

Hey, man, I’m not touching this. You do you.

Drunk Rick: [on video monitor screen, wearing aloha shirt] Aloha, means hello and goodbye in Hawaii. But, uh, aloha means Has nothing to do with this room. I’m so drunk. [cough] Ugh, okay. Here’s the deal. I-I want to rest my eyes for a little bit, I’m I’m not going to sleep, I just just need to rest my eyes, so let’s make this one simple Just try to hit some three pointers. Let’s say you have to hit five three pointers in 5 minutes or I don’t know, the whole place the whole planet will get blown up with a n-neutrino bomb. And try to make it a-a lesson about yourselves, like like how selfish you are-are or something. And also Hawaii.

Morty: You guys hit the baskets, I’ll disarm the drunkenly-improvised neutrino bomb. There’s a 40 percent chance it’s a dud, but y-you should still stay back.

Morty, how many of these-

Too many, Rick! Too many!

Man, I am really getting high-roaded today.

That’s a 3 pointer.

Nice shot.

Thank you.

You two make quite a team.

We all do.

Yeah, I guess

That’s a 3 pointer.

But you guys have always had a an unspoken bond.

I mean, really unspoken.

Like, let’s-not-tell-my-husband unspoken.

We aren’t married anymore, Alan.

Sure, but were we married when you two were "stranded" on Delphi Six for 3 days? Because I sensed something was weird when you came back But what do I know about sensitivity? I’m just a phantom train conductor. You’re the pile of ordinary bugs that my wife!

That’s a 3 pointer.

Where the is the lead wire? You always put it in the weirdest place.

Um, uh, over here maybe? Jesus Christ, what a shitty neutrino bomb.

It’s a miracle I ever actually destroy anything.

Oh, I don’t know, you managed to destroy just about everything today. The villains, the heroes, the lines between them, my childhood.

Thank you. I appreciate it, Morty, I know you were sucking the Kool-Aid out of the Vindicators’. So the fact that I was right about them must be pretty hard to admit.

Yeah, it is. You know why, Rick? Because when you’re an asshole, it doesn’t matter how right you are, nobody wants to give you the satisfaction.

I know. Everyone wants people they like to be right. That’s why popular people are [bleeping] dumb.

And why your pretentious, poorly-written, high-budget friends back there can eat a double-decker shit sandwich. Disarmed.

Holy shit. You’re jealous.

Yes! Is that what you want to hear?!

Did it feel good? Did you like his 6 million wriggling legs more than my tragedy-stricken, half-ghost, half-tumescent penis?!

Guys, stop! You’re just proving my asshole grandpa right! You wish this was about sex! We loved each other! We had a child together! What?! I conceived a child with Million Ants and it died inside me because it was half a million ants and half collapsing star! And yes.

He was better than you.

Yeah? One million times better.

All aboard, mother

Stop! Oof! Didn’t see that coming.

Is that sarcasm? I don’t want you slipping away when this is over.

All of these deaths are on your hands.

Okay, come on, maybe a couple of them, but definitely not the Train Guy.

Oof! All of them.


Drunk Rick: Congrats. You did it. [on video monitor screen, eating pizza] All right, by now, I’ve been pretty clear that I think the Vindicators are full of shit. But you do have one thing that I’ll never have. And that thing is the only part of the Vindicators with any value to me. If you know what it is, place it on the platform. Guess wrong and pla-planet will explode. And probably the solar system, ‘cause I kind of eyeballed the neutrino bombs on this one.

Supernova: So what’s the trick? Morty, you’re the Drunk Rick expert.

I think no matter what we put on there, we die.

He said it’s the part of the Vindicators he values.

That means nothing.

He wants our last moment alive to be spent knowing how few he gave.

Jesus! Okay, open to second opinions.

It could-It could be Morty.

What? Hey, I don’t know.

I mean, look, when I get drunk, I get stupid and emotional and there’s no logic to it.

It’s, like, it’s possible I got so drunk I felt like I was losing Morty to the Vindicators, and maybe this is my way of saying, "Okay", you can have him but only if you know how important he is, "otherwise I’ll kill you". That is a really specific guess.

Look, I-I there’s nothing in the room but us.

I’m just using logic to connect some dots, it’s the best guess I’ve got.

But you’re betting our lives on it.

I’ll cover that bet.

I get it.

Well, Morty, I think you’re doing that smirky face because you’re misinterpreting the moment.

I am not being coy about some hidden love for you.

I want to be really clear that if anyone has a better guess, like, if I gave you an amulet last night, or- Phew. Oh, shit.

Drunk Rick: Sorry. I’m not good at goodbyes, and I’m drunk, so, you know, I just It looks like I’m never going to see you again. I can’t really roll with the hero types. And I don’t they They don’t want me around. But I want you to know, even if I didn’t show it at the time, I really appreciated you sticking by me. Goddamn it, why am I crying? It makes no sense. Ugh, you’re-you’re probably confused because we barely knew each other, but you really stuck your neck out when you gave me props for my awesome jokes in the briefing room. Everybody else had their head so far up their ass. Even my own grandson is like, "Oh, the Vindicators, they’re so cool". I mean, he’s a moron, that’s their demographic. But you’re different, Noob Noob.

Morty: Mother[bleep]

Drunk Rick: You’re [bleep] cool. And you’re smart. And I bet we coulda hung out and shit. And I hope you get to be a full-fledged Vindicator and and do-do me a favor, don’t don’t let them know I-I got emotional. But you can tell them one thing. Tell them I said- Oh Okay. I just shit myself. Okay, later.

Rick: W- Dude, Morty, what happened-

Morty: Shut up.

I sense this means we are not dying.

Not all of us.


Just let Titty Bean do this, Snuzzles.

It’s for the greater good.

Greater good? Titty Bean? It’s like you said, Morty. There’s no right or wrong Never said that.

It’s the galaxy’s faith in the Vindicators that keeps the galaxy secure.

Yeah, I feel safer already.

No doubt, who do we make the check out to? I will say we are getting some good licks in while choking to death Right?

Titty Bean. Listen to me.

When you came to me, I was merely a sentient colony of ants.

It was your beliefs, your pursuit of justice that taught me to be a man.

When did it get so complicated? Who knows.

But we can make it simple again.

You were always the romantic.

Which is why you can’t leave, either.

I’m sorry, my love.

Damn! She double-crossed Snuzzles!

Silence! I’m going to enjoy this.

Announcer: Let’s give a huge thanks to Rick Sanchez for killing Worldender, putting this awesome party together, and for booking one of the hottest talents out there Logic!

Logic: ♪Awe, yeah.♪

Rick: Look at that. It’s going down. Geez, I must have planned a whole party. Invited a bunch of people. Not bad, Drunk Rick, not bad.

Logic: ♪It’s Logic, y’all. Shout out to my boy, Rick. Are you ready?♪

Morty: Rick, Supernova’s getting away.

Rick: Eh, who cares?

Morty: But she was trying to kill us.

Rick: Morty, 20 people try to kill me every week. I end up getting high with half of them. I mean, check it out, Gearhead’s here.

Gearhead: Hmm. Well, that’s gonna shoot through me.

Morty, you’re wearing a Vindicator jacket.

Are you a little superhero now? Everyone in the universe is a hero, Mom.

Which is why we don’t need jackets.

And I’m pretty sure we don’t need Vindicators.

Don’t mind if I do.

Hey, everybody! Look who’s a Vindicator! Man, Grandpa Rick must have gotten shitfaced.

Shut up, Summer.

Rick: Who the [bleep] is Noob Noob?

♪Yo, it’s Logic once again, y’all. Don’t forget the name. Make sure you get home safe. And, man, we gotta all give it up for Rick, ‘cause, I mean, what kind of mother-. Just sets up a whole festival like this when he’s completely loaded, man? And all that stuff I said about Vance, that’s not real. Vance that guy, that guy sucks Whoo! Yeah! Yo D-Did I get paid yet? Whoo!♪

Post-Credits Scene

I can’t believe we’re getting Gear Cream with a Vindicator.

So, you girls in Gear college or Gear Alien terror attack! Okay.

Sounds like a job for me. I better go get into my alter ego.

So cool.

I know.

Wait, what alter ego? He was already wearing the jacket.

Gotta know when to hold ‘em and Aaaaah!

The Avengers2012

The Rickchurian Mortydate

Author(s): Justin Roiland

Transcriber/Editor(s): D. Lint

Date Aired: 2015

Reference Name(s): The Manchurian Candidate

Reference Date(s): 1962

1 Come on, football! Go, go! Oh, come on. Play football!

[ Suspenseful music plays ]

[ Creature growls softly ]

[ Heartbeat pounding ]

[ Creature snarls ]


[ Slash! ]

So, you're mining stuff to craft with and crafting stuff to mine with?


Did your dad write this game?


[ Helicopter blades whirring ]

Gentlemen, you're needed by a friend in Washington!

How clandestine.

[ Zap! ]

If they can teleport, why did we take

I just work here, Steve, same as you!

[ Indistinct conversation ]

All right. All right, all right. Mr. President. It's about time, gentlemen. Rick, do you need to drink in here?


Here's the adventure. Some kind of alien googa has infested the Kennedy Sex Tunnels. I want it hunted down and taken out.

Kennedy Sex Tunnels?

Naturally, you'll forget you saw them, along with, in order of national embarrassment, the Truman Cocaine Lounge, the McKinley Hooker Dump, and the Lincoln Slave Coliseum. He didn't free them all. And let me know when you're done.

Maybe then we could get a selfie?

Too busy, Morty. Now tell me about this summit. Is it a peace one or a regular one?

[ Suspenseful music plays ] [ Growling ] [ Zap! Zap! Zap! ] [ Whimpers ]

Ugh. This sucks.

God, tell me about it. Oh, man. If you're not into it

What do you mean? Why would I be into it? It's lame.

You're into lame stuff, Morty. I thought young dumb people considered it an honor to work for presidents or whatever the shit.

Maybe the first few times, but this just sucks. He treats us like Ghostbusters.

We should talk to him.

Yeah, that sounds fun. Let's set some boundaries with a spoiled control freak that thinks he runs the world and orders drone strikes to cope with his insecurity.

It's either that or more of this.

Third choice "Minecraft. "

You like it now?

Got to be honest, Morty. It's growing on me. Notify the president.

What do I tell him? Tell him the truth. Tell him Rick and Morty just blew off America.

You can use that wood to make a chest.

Oh, good. Then I can store all this wood I'll need later for chest-making.

Okay. You're not going to have fun if you analyze everything.

This is what they'd rather do?

It's all in the transcript. "Treats us like Ghostbusters. "

So, Ghostbusters aren't cool now? I don't recall signing that bill. "Control freak. " "Orders drone strikes to cope with" "Insecurity. " Should we drone-strike them? That would prove them right! And blow him up. Give me the phone.

Rick: Is this game popular with autistic people?

Why would you say something like that?

'Cause I'm starting to love it.

[ Cellphone vibrating ] "Failure to answer is a felony offense"? Play it cool. As far as he knows, we're still in the tunnels.

[ Chuckles ] When should we reveal we can see them?

We're holding all the cards right now. We don't show any before the time is right. Awesome.

Rick: Yello?

Hi, guys. U. S. President calling. How's it going?

Oh, hey. Just hard at work on this sex tunnel gagoo. I think it's kind of our new archnemesis, you know? It might take a while. What do you think, Morty a month?

Fingers crossed, a month, yeah.

You lying dicks! I see your asses playing "Minecraft"! I got you on satellite! That's right. What do you have to say for yourselves?

Okay, obviously, this looks bad, Mr. President. I mean, what doesn't look bad through an illegal spy satellite?

Don't high-road me. The two of you break 1,000 federal laws a day.

Wow, really? That's pretty cool.

And, yes, yes, yes, yes, you save the world now and then. America returns that favor by not holding the two of you accountable to its laws.

Oh! Oh! Oh, God. We We didn't know you saw it that way.

Well, it's nobody's fault. We never had "the talk," so to speak.

Yeah. I mean, the way we see it, when we show up, that's the favor to you. Especially, you know, when it turns out you wanted someone to come over just because you found an "X-Files" monster in your basement. As for the reason you've never, like, arrested us, we assumed you just knew that it was impossible, like, if you tried. You know, it wouldn't go well.

Wouldn't go well? Can you elaborate?

I think one of your 1,000 laws says, no, I can't elaborate. Just trust me. None of us want to go there. Which we'll never have to. By the way, we'll keep on saving the Earth. You know, we're We're happy to do that. Yeah, but not because it contains America Because moving to a new version of Earth is a bitch and a half. But feel free to call us, you know, as as, like, friends. Yeah, like, if you ever want to take a selfie

So, are we cool?

Yes. Thank you, gentlemen.

I told you, man!

I'm impressed, Morty. That went really well.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Everybody, get ahold of yourselves!

Sir, what is our new Rick and Morty policy?

Our policy is, we never needed them and never will again. Today, we celebrate our independence from Rick and Morty. Everyone out.

All this spring at Clothes Mart, there's a clothes sale. Come on down to the clothes section. I just put it on for fun. I know I can't buy it.

Oh, come on. You look great! You're only young once. Just promise, if the results are too strong, you'll use protection.

Really?! Thanks! When did you get rad?

I don't know. Maybe I adjusted to the divorce and everything's new.

I'll say. I couldn't stand you for more than an hour at a time before.

[ Chuckles ] No No offense. I like it. It's great. You're like a different person. Yeah. Different person.

[ Suspenseful music plays ] Oh, not you. Vamos! Vamos! Aaah! How do you like that, Morty?

Whoa! Just like "Minecraft"!

Ooh, a tiny nuclear-capable species just got discovered in the Amazon. Let's go make first contact before someone else gets all their shit.

What about this?

South Park did it 4 years ago, Morty. They're fast. Or we're slow.

[ Suspenseful music plays ]

Don't do it, guys. The casualties would be in the "Brazilians" because you're Brazilian. It's a threat and a pun. Nobody gets me.

Americanos! Pressa!

[ Suspenseful music plays ]

Oh. Hello, Rick. You're here, too. I guess this is a global crisis.

Oh, God. Mr. President, Morty and I have the situation covered.

I'm sure you did. Dismissed. Dismissed? Yeah, dismissed. Not needed here. You can leave and nobody will care. Have you never heard that before?

Do you even know how to take out this kind of threat?

We're not taking it out. We're going to shrink down and approach them diplomatically.

You shrink with pills?

Are you still here? Shouldn't you be going down to your next version of Earth with your selfie-craving star-[bleep] sidekick?

Whoa! We're allowed to be here. You aren't president of the Amazon. Yeah, I learned about your job in school. You're a civil servant. We're technically your boss.

Oh, please, Morty. You pay as many taxes as you have pubes.

Oh, I got pubes, Commander-in-Queef. You want to count them? Commander-in-Queef.

That's it! Do it! Recognize the rare element Sanchez-eum? We've been preparing for a Rick-level eventuality for some time.

You mean you've been ordering other people to prepare for it while you sat on your ass at peace summits.

Peace summits are important!

Oh, yeah! They work great! We're really drowning in peace! You suck! You suck!

Task Force Alpha, prepare to shrink.

Is there a Task Force Alpha health plan, by the way? Because if those pills are based on subatomic compression, you could get a more curable cancer just walking through the mushroom clouds.

God damn it! I'll do it. Whoa. Task Force Alpha is disbanded. And you two aren't American anymore! I can say that. You're expatriated! If you step foot on homeland soil again, I'll treat it as an invasion. Is this supposed to be painful?

Painful to watch. Oh, such lame shrinking. Oh, his clothes stay the same size? '70s shrinking, party of one.

[ High-pitched voice ] Eat my shrinking ass!

There he goes. All right. Let's get out of here, Morty.

What the hell?!

I made Sanchez-eum up, dumbasses. Don't believe everything you read on Wikipedia.

Stand down. He's not afraid of pirates.

Oh! Run, Morty! That part was true!

[ Ringing ] I-I can't talk now, sweetie.

beth: Oh, when can you?

rick: Good point. [ Burps ] What's up?

beth: Remember a little while ago when you said that, if I wanted, I could, like, leave Earth and wander the infinite cosmos to figure out who I am and that nobody would ever know I'd left because you could replace me with a clone?

rick: Mm-hmm.

beth: Am I the clone?

rick: Sorry. What?

beth: Am I the clone? Did the real me choose to leave, and I only think I chose to stay because that's what I need to think because I'm the replacement Beth?

rick: No.

beth: Okay. And one more thing. If I were a clone, would you tell me?

rick: Beth, you know, when When smart people get happy, they stop recognizing themselves. And you are very smart because you're very much my daughter.

beth: Oh, God. You're right. I'm sorry. Thank you, Dad.

rick: All good?

beth: Totally. I'm fine now.

rick: And just to be sure, you're not pretending to be convinced you're real because you're actually convinced you're a clone and you're now terrified that becoming self-aware would mean I'd have to terminate you?

beth: No.

rick: Okay. Glad I could help. See you soon. [ Breathing heavily ] Aaaaaah!

[ Suspenseful music plays ]

Where do I go? What does th What What What What does this mean? This means nothing. Pull forward and park. Then say that, God damn it! Sorry. Bad day.

[ Suspenseful music plays ]

I am Presidentress of the Mega Gargantuans. We named ourselves before learning we were small.

Madam Presidentress, I'm President of America, which is basically the world, but you didn't hear that from me.

I've come to I know who you are. We've already agreed to a ceasefire with your ambassadors, Rick and Morty.

Rick and Morty were here?

Of course they were here. They can shrink instantly and teleport. They told me to give you this. They said it will stretch as your cancer pill wears off and your body awkwardly enlarges at the rate of a '50s movie.

Are there pants? They said you'd prefer just a shirt. Apparently, you have a need to swing your dick around?

Rick and Morty escaped.

No shit. Take me to the Pentagon. We're at war with Rick and Morty.

You'll want to make a stop at the White House?

I have pants at the Pentagon, Rhonda. It's in my contract. I mean you need to call a press conference. Israel and Palestine have announced a permanent ceasefire.


They signed something called. "The Pretty Obvious If You Think About It" accord. Apparently, an anonymous American diplomat took them to a "Star Wars" cantina, where they smoked perspective-enhancing alien pheromones through a laser hookah. I still say it has to be Putin.

It was Rick and Morty, you [bleep] dunce!

But you're getting the credit, sir. Your approval rating just hit 1.

Why would Rick and Morty want that?

Because they're assholes!

I'm flattered, but it takes a whole team to achieve what we did today.

Thank you. Well?

They haven't been back home, sir. We've got every possible location under surveillance.

God damn it! They're right here! They're here, God damn it! Code Red! We need backup! Everybody relax. Just waiting for you in the only room you can't blow up or spy on.

So, we're not changing timelines for you, but now you have everything you want, so you can forget we exist, and we'll return the favor.

You couldn't say that in a text?

Well, since we won't be seeing each other again, my Guys, we get it. It's a Code Red.

Enough. My grandson has worked hard for you, and I feel like he's earned a selfie.

Honestly, I could take it or leave it at this point.

You're taking it.


What kind of fratty-ass status move is that?

Get out of my office!

Seriously? You're that stubborn?

He's the stubborn one.

I'm protecting my country.

Uh, from selfies?

From subordination to hostile powers.

Uh, does China know about that deal-breaker?

China doesn't piss on the White House.

Well, why would they? I'm sure it was expensive.

Get out.

Not without a selfie.

Arrest them.

Son, you have a right to refuse his order, and I guarantee you're going to die if you touch me, and there's no afterlife. Everything just goes black. Don't do it.

Whoa, Rick!


What was that?


What kind?


There was no sound. He just died.

Yeah, terrifying. It's a terrifying thing to watch happen. It's called a deterrent.

You couldn't just knock him out? How is knocking out a deterrent?

Everyone wants to be knocked out. Nobody wants to be dead. You committed murder in the Oval Office. Now you can't leave.

That's fine. I said I'm not leaving without a selfie.

Uh, I don't need a selfie.

And I'm saying you aren't getting one and you aren't leaving.

So we agree?

Yes. No. We disagree because you think you're getting a selfie and leaving.

Am I getting a selfie?


Then I'm never leaving.



Does anyone have a shot?

Yes, nine people. I can show you. But I wouldn't recommend

Open fire!

God, you are dumb!

Get the President out of here!

Bad idea.

Wait. Why?

Because if there isn't someone in here that they're not supposed to kill, they're going to wreck the place trying to kill me. As long as you live, no matter where you are, if it isn't in a selfie with him, I'll be here.

Jesus! He's not a [bleep] god!

You don't know what I am! And you don't know what I can do!

Jesus! It's It's cool, Rick!

I'm Doctor Who in this [bleep] I could be a clone. I could be a hologram. We could be clones controlled by robots controlled with special headsets that the real Rick and Morty are wearing while they're [bleep] your mother!

I'm going to kill you!

Then come to 312 Olive Street!

Is that her address?

You don't know because you're a bad son!

Ow! Take him down! Semper fi! Aaaaah! Number three, The Twister. Ow! Damn it. Number four The Hanky Panky.

[ Knock on door ]


My dad might have cloned me, and I might be the clone. And he says I'm not, but that's what he'd say to a clone.


Number six, The Texas Ripple.

You look like you to me.

What are you, an idiot?

[ Sighs ] I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That was so rude. I came to you for help, and now I'm insulting your intelligence. And look where intelligence gets you.

Well, don't knock intelligence, because right now I'd love to understand how I can help you.

I can't be in charge of that, Jerry. My mind, my ideas are all part of the variable. The only constant is you. You know me inside and out. Do what you have to do.

Okay. Sit down. Now cross your legs. That leg on top. Good.

Oh, what is this?

[ Classical music play ]

Senior year, I took you on a date to the Milwaukee Symphony Orchestra performing the music of Alan Silvestri in the Park. At this point in the song from "Volcano," when Tommy Lee Jones and the utility workers are using cars to guide the lava into a cul-de-sac, I realized my palms were so sweaty, I would never get to hold your hand. But I was desperate to touch you, so I wiped my palm on the grass next to me. But a Snickers wrapper kind of got stuck on it, so I started kind of jiggling it, whipping it without moving too much. But you started looking over, and I thought, "Well, this is it. She's going to see that I'm a loser," and I'll never get to touch her. "But I still have time to touch her. " But my hand had Snickers on it, and the brass section was swelling because it was the scene with the guy melting in the lava. And I just thought, "[Bleep] it. Lips don't sweat. "

Wow. Yeah. I'll never forget that feeling.

You're the real thing.

Then that settles it, because my memory is of hating that night. But now, reliving it, all I can feel is how lucky I am to be loved by such a simple, honest, simple man.

Simple twice.

This isn't the woman you married, Jerry, because this woman loves you.

Uh well, vive la différence. [ Chuckles ] Okay. That was lame. Listen, I Words. Don Cheadle. [ Moaning ]

You have the right to get the [bleep] out of my office!

You have the right to kiss my dick! Give me the thing. Ugh! Oh! Ugh! Oh! [ Laughing ] Ugh! Ugh! Ohh! Submit! Submit for the selfie! I yield! I yield! Take the selfie!

Okay. Morty, get in there and say, "Cheese. " Morty? Morty, come on! [ Sighs ] God damn it!

[ Cellphone vibrating ]

Rick, don't get mad, but I-I stole your portal gun.

What the [bleep] Morty?!

I told you I didn't want the damn selfie 800 times! Look, whatever the hell is going on between you and the president, it's got nothing to do with me.

So where did you go?

I can't tell you. Rick, did you tell my mom she might be a clone?

No! I told her she wasn't!

Well, isn't that what you'd tell a clone?

Oh, for Christ's sake.

Rick, my mom and dad are getting back together.

What? No! She's not a clone!

Well, she says it doesn't matter if she is or isn't because now she loves my dad, and she wanted me and Summer to come home, and we're hiding from you so you don't kill her if she's a clone in a place I picked that you will never find. So don't look for us.

Come on, bitch!

Oh, you come on, bitch.

I'm out. I'm done.

I've got to I've got to go.

So I win. Then I'm in charge, and you can't leave. You're a terrorist. You're an enemy of the state, and you kicked me in the balls 10 minutes ago! The office of the President can't coexist with a living god that won't submit to it I mean, besides Poseidon. But he's locked up in Area 51 already, so that doesn't really count.

Mr. President, I'll make you a deal. If you let me use your ghetto-ass off-brand deficit-tripling teleporter, I can go take care of something, and you'll never see me again.

Yes. Deal. Invisi-troopers, stand down. [ All groan ] Yeah, yeah. I don't want to hear it.

You know I could see them this whole time, right?

Don't push it, Sanchez.

[ Suspenseful music plays ]

He found us! I told you we shouldn't have gone to the same cabin as last time!

Oh, we're not going anywhere. This ends now. Dad, if you're my dad. Of course, you're not my dad. You're here with a gun because I am a clone. I guess I have all your daughter's memories. So I guess I was her, which makes me related to her. But I don't relate to her. She left her family and me, which means I relate to them. So if you kill me, fine. You're not killing her. But you're killing a real family. And instead of doing that, will you just go away? Aren't there, like, infinite time lines? Can't you just move to one where I don't know I'm a clone and where a different but identical version of your authentic sociopathic crazy bitch of a daughter can keep making you proud by being somewhere else?

Beth, you crazy bitch. You're my daughter. I brought this here to kill Jerry.

Oh, my God! Jesus Christ!

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You win, Jerry. You win! No amount of genius can stop your dumb mediocre vacuous roots from digging into everything and everyone around you and draining them of any ability to fend you off.

Well, it couldn't have been easy for you to say that. I appreciate it.

Morty, where's my portal gun? Let's get out of here.

I'm staying here, Rick.

Are you Ugh! Nobody gets it. Nothing you think matters matters. This isn't special. This This is happening infinite times across infinite realities. Including this? [ Farts ] Yes! Which is not to say that, subjectively, it wasn't funny.

Are you going to stay?

There's infinite time lines, Morty. Why would I stay in the one where I trashed the White House, became an enemy of America and the lowest-status character in my idiot family? Because of the fart? There's still some rubble over there. I don't think you've ever understood what "Secretary of the Interior" means!

Hi, Mr. President. I'm Rick Sanchez, but not the one that did this. We Ricks travel the infinite and switch places with each other like hermit crabs, I think. I'm fly-fishing Rick. You can distinguish me from the Rick that you had a falling-out with by my fly-fishing enthusiasm and accompanying hat. I hope I can be of service if, uh, you ever find the planet to be in danger. Friends? Sounds good to me. Kids, dinner! I got Panda Express!

Did you get sugar chicken?

That's kind of the only thing they have.

I love Panda E! Thanks, Mom!

I'm hoping to get a piece of your sugar chicken later.

[ Laughs ] Stop it.

Here's your [burps] stupid hat, dipshit.

Dad, you can't talk to Jerry that way anymore. We're a real family now. In many ways, things will be like season 1 but more streamlined. Now Jerry and I are happily married parents, and the idea that I was motivated by a fear of you leaving can be eschewed.

Eschewed? You've never used that word. Maybe you are a clone.

[ Laughs ] It's not like Rick would tell us.

[ Laughter ] Ooh-wee! What a season! Sorry I never showed up, but I got married. I had a baby. I went back to school and got my G-E-E-E-D. What did you do while you were waiting? Hopefully you didn't just [bleep] around and waste your life. Ooh-wee! See you for Season 4 in, like, a really long time! I might even have a big white Santa Claus beard and and and a And a couple of grandkids and all that kind of stuff. See you See you then!

Did you get any of that?

The Manchurian Candidate1962

Get Schwifty

Author(s): Justin Roiland

Transcriber/Editor(s): D. Lint

Date Aired: 2015-08-23

Reference Name(s): Get Shorty

Reference Date(s): 2017

(A giant yellow head flies through space toward Earth. The Earth catches fire and land masses start collapsing as the wind picks up.) (A man takes a golf swing in the middle of the storm. A large piece of land drops out in front of him, leaving a large hole.)

Man : Hey, golf is easy now!

(The hole gets larger and the man falls in.)

Man : Aahh! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard agaaaaaaain!

(A news anchor in a raincoat, Terry, is downtown with people panicking in the background as the giant head stares blankly at Earth. A news title says “ArmagHEADdon?!”.)

Terry : The view here is the same as yours, Jim. A giant head has entered Earth’s gravity, triggering climate change and natural disasters we thought were impossible for at least another eight years.

Jim : (in news studio) Let’s not make this political, Terry. Do we know what this giant head wants?

(Giant Head clears its throat, creating a large wind blast)


(winds pick up and the tides change rapidly with its speech)

Terry : Jim, you heard *static* said, “Show me what you got.”

Giant Head : SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT. I WANT TO SEE WHAT YOU GOT. (lamp post falls over, Terry runs out of frame)

(Rick turns off the TV, they are on the couch)

Rick : Oh boy. Time to go, Morty.

Morty : Uhh, where?

(Rick puts on sunglasses)

Rick : The Pentagon. I mean, not THE Pentagon. *burp* The lame one, here on Earth.

(Rick and Morty walk out of frame) [INTRO] (At the house, winds still blow strongly. Summer, Beth and Jerry are standing outside.)

Summer : Is it God? If it’s God, do we get out of school?

Beth : It’s not God, Summer.

Jerry : She’s allowed to think it’s God if she wants, honey!

Beth : Shut up, Jerry.

Jerry : Ok…

(Rick and Morty pull out of the garage in the ship.)

Beth : Dad, what do you know about this?

Rick : Morty and I are going to look into it. You guys hold tight.

(they fly off)

(Mr. Goldenfold arrives on a moped.)

Mr. Goldenfold : Scary stuff, huh? Pretty freaky. Hi, I’m Morty’s math teacher. I’m also part of the street team inviting folks to the church downtown so we can pray together.

Beth : How is praying going to help?

Mr. Goldenfold : Ma’am, a giant head in the sky is controlling the weather. Did you wanna play checkers? Let’s be rational! I’ll see you at God’s house! (leaves)

(Pentagon war room, everyone is arguing)

President : Gentlemen, gentlemen, one at a time! Simon?

Simon : SETI, NORAD, and every broadcaster on the planet are attempting to show this being what humanity’s got. String theory, world history, the human genome.

(Nathan slams fist on table)

Nathan : Have you tried sending it launch codes? Mr. President, what America’s got is 70,000 megatons of KABOOM-BOOM! And I say we show it right up this floating head’s ass!

(Argument begins again. A portal appears and Rick and Morty step through.)

Guards : Hold it! Don’t move! (they approach Rick and Morty with guns)

Rick : Stay back! This watch turns people into snakes!

(Guards stop and look at Nathan for approval. Nathan nods at them, and the guards aim. A laser fires at the guards and they disappear, leaving only snakes.)

President : Stand down. Everybody stand down! I’m the leader of these people and I’m unarmed. There’s no need for any more snake-makery.

Rick : My name is Rick Sanchez. This here’s my grandson Morty. (drinks from flask)

Everyone : Hi, Morty.

Morty : Hey.

Rick : I’ve seen enough of the galaxy to know that what we’ve got here is a Cromulon from the Cygnus-5 Expanse. So you can forget about nukes, and you can forget about math. (points to viewscreen showing floating head) This head won’t go away until *burp* Earth shows them it’s got a hit song.

Everyone : Seriously, that’s impossible, etc…

Simon : You mean like Vivaldi?

Rick : No, Frasier. A live performance of a newly-written, catchy, original song. The Cromulon feed on the talent and showmanship of less-evolved lifeforms.

President : All right, all right. Thank you, Mr. Sanchez. Change of plan, people. Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. (no one responds) The-Dream? He wrote “Umbrella” and “Single Ladies”? You people haven’t heard of The-Dream?

Rick : You’re gonna wanna put them on that giant speaker system at your sonic testing facility at Area 51.

Nathan : How do you know about that?

President : For God’s sake, Nathan, the man turns people into snakes. He can use Google Maps.

Aide : Sir! Pharrell, Newman, Corgan, and that Dream guy. They’re all dead.

President : What? How is that possible? Do people just die when I name them?

Aide : The Grammys, sir. There was an earthquake and all the musicians... (sniffs, holding back tears) All the famous ones, they’re gone.

President : Dear God.

Aide : Hold on, sir, just a minute. Ice-T survived. He’s inbound on an F-15, ETA two hours.

Rick : Good luck, Mr. President.

Simon : Sir, the magnetic poles are about to reverse. In two hours, there may not be an Earth to save.

(Rick opens a portal)

President : Sanchez! Are you a musician?

Rick : I dabble, Mr. President.

President : Get this man and his grandson on a Blackhawk to Area 51.

(At the church, everyone is panicking.)

Pastor Bob : People! Everyone! Remain calm! Every crisis of faith is an opportunity for more faith! When God deals you an 11, you don’t fold! You double down, and always hit on a soft 16. That means you, Jews.

Jew : I beg your pardon, pastor, but the last I looked outside, it seems to be you that’s been dealt the weak hand. Jews rule! (no one responds) Nobody? Ok, tough church.

Principal Vagina Hi, Principal Vagina. The name’s real, possibly Scandinavian. I’m just gonna come out and make this pitch. The old gods are dead. F*** all previous existing religions. All hail the one true god, the giant head in the sky.

(everyone reacts)

Principal Vagina Ah, di di di di. (to Bob) Bob, Bob, I get it. But unless this (holds up a necklace with a cross) can beat that… what have you done for me lately? (tosses necklace to Bob) So if you wanna excuse me, I’m going out on the sidewalk and dropping to my knees and pledging my eternal soul to the thing that literally controls the f***ing weather! (walks out) Outta my way!

Pastor Bob : Ok, if sanity’s been restored to this assembly, I’d like to talk about the cost of repairing our new organ. Sally, the plate, please.

Mr. Goldenfold : (holds up a dollar) Ohhhh, this is my favorite part!

(Helicopters over the desert, subtitle “Nevada Desert: Restricted Air Space”. Rick and Morty are on a helicopter)

Morty : Rick, are you really a musician?

Rick : Who’s NOT a musician, Morty?

Morty : Me!

Rick : Yeah, not with that attitude.

Jump Master We’re in the drop zone! I’m the jump master! My name’s Jamey! With an E-Y! Go, go, go! (Rick slides down rope)

Morty : B-b-but we don’t have a song!

(Outside the church, Principal Vagina is on the sidewalk on his knees)

Principal Vagina Giant head in the sky, please forgive all that we’ve done. We’re sorry for increased levels of emissions and our racism. And of course, the amber alerts I keep ignoring on my phone.

(At Area 51 speaker system, Rick and Morty slide down rope out of helicopter) In unison

Rick : WhooooOOOOAHHHH!!!!

Morty : WhooooOOOOAHHHH!!!!

End unison (They land on a stage with various live performance equipment on it. The yellow Cromulon is in front of the stage staring.)

Rick : (picks up a microphone) All right, Morty, let’s get ready to do it! Why don’t you, uh, find a button on one of those keyboards and lay down some kind of beat?

Morty : Rick, I think we need to cut our losses. We get our family and portal out of here!

Rick : Morty! Good music comes from people who are relaxed. Just hit a button, Morty! Gimme a beat!

Morty : Oh man, ok, all right, um…

(Morty presses a key and a beat starts, Rick knocks over a mic stand and starts “singing”)

Rick : Ahhhhh yeahhhhh Ya gotta get schwifty (Morty starts beating a tambourine in rhythm) Ya gotta get schwifty in here It’s time to get schwifty

(The President and Nathan are watching the performance on a screen inside)

Nathan : Get… schwifty? What the hell is that?

President : It’s our world’s best effort, that’s what.

Rick : Take off your pants and your panties Shit on the floor Time to get schwifty in here I’m Mr. Bulldops

Nathan : Mr. Bulldops?

President : Don’t analyze it, Nathan. It’s working!

Rick : Take a shit on the floor Time to get schwifty in here

(Weather starts to die down around the world) (At the church)

Pastor Bob : And third-level donors get our all access family pass.

Summer : Listen! The storm is stopping!

(On the stage)

Rick : Hey, take your pants off It’s schwifty time today

(song ends)

Giant Head : Hmmmm.

(everyone at Area 51 waits in anticipation) (at the church)

Principal Vagina Please be kind to us for we are but tiny things with entire bodies stuck to your ground.

(at the stage)


(Giant Head flies away) (everyone at Area 51 cheers and celebrates) (at the church, everyone lifts Principal Vagina, “What do you know, he was right! Hooray Principal Vagina!”)

Beth : Now hold on a second, let’s be rational about this.

(everyone stops and stares at Beth)

Beth : No, I’m… I’m just saying, we don’t know if there’s a cause-effect relationship --

(earthquake hits, Beth falls on ground)

Beth : Oh, God, what’s going on now?

(at the stage, Rick and Morty and Area 51 panic) ) (At Area 51)

President : What the hell happened?

Aide : Mr. President, you’re gonna wanna see this.

Rick : I think planet Earth has just been transported.

(At the church)

Principal Vagina The head has left and sent its children!

Beth : Holy CRAP!

(everyone gets on their knees)

Summer : Oh dear giant head, we apologize for that discussion! It will never happen again!

(everyone starts murmuring prayers)

(At Area 51)

Simon : Sir, we’ve started picking up on a garbled signal. We’re decrypting it now.

(screen gradually descrambles) (Screen shows different bands of different aliens on different stages. Dance music plays in the background as the Cromulon narrates.)

Cromulon WE ASKED THEM TO SHOW US WHAT THEY GOT. AND THEY DID. NOW WE’LL SEE WHICH OF THEM HAS GOT THE MOST. 24 HOURS, FIVE PLANETS, FIVE SONGS. BUT IN THE END, THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE. PLANET MUSIC! All participation is involuntary. Disqualified and losing planets are disintegrated by plasma ray.

Rick : Uhh, it’s probably a bad time to mention it, but any astronauts you guys had in orbit are definitely dead.

ACT 2 (dance music plays, Planet Music opening shows)

Cromulon Welcome back to Planet Music! First up, let’s hear the latest song from planet Parblesnops. The Greebybobes! SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT.

Greebybobe Hold it, hold it, stop! Music isn’t about competition or captivity! If you love music, you love freedom. Let these worlds be free, please!


(plasma ray powers up and fires at the planet, blowing it up)

Cromulon There’s one every season. Moving on to planet Arbolez Meterosos. Arbolian Meterososians. SHOW US WHAT YOU GOT.

Arbolian Meterososian Ah two, three, four…

(The Arbolian Meterososians play a very simple and underwhelming song while looking at the Cromulons for approval.)

(At Area 51. Rick, Morty and Ice-T are in a studio with several instruments. Rick is playing a bass, Morty is poking at a keyboard, and Ice-T is in the corner. The aide comes in.)

Aide : Rick, Morty, Ice-T. The timetable’s moved up. Earth’s on in six hours.

Morty : Like we’re not already under enough pressure! (Morty flips a bowl of peanuts at the aide and it hits him in the head. The aide leaves.)

In unison

Rick : Whoa ho ho ho ho!

Ice-T : Whoa ho ho ho ho!

End unison

Rick : Geez, Morty. The guy’s just doing his job. Take it easy.

Morty : Rick, Ice-T, could you guys take it less easy?! We’ve got six hours to come up with a song!

Rick : Genius happens in the moment, Morty. (walks over to keyboard)

Morty : Well, can we at least go get our family? You know, so we can take them with-with-with us if we lose?

Rick : That’s planning for failure, Morty. Even dumber than regular planning. (presses a button on the keyboard) Balls.

(Morty walks toward the portal gun)

Rick : Morty, Morty, stop! Listen! There’s only so much charge left in this thing. If we portal home from here and back, we’re not gonna have enough charge left to get off-world. Get it?

Morty : What?!

Rick : Yeah, *burp* you see, I try to shelter you from certain realities, *burp* Morty. Cause if I let you make me nervous, then we can’t get schwifty.

Morty : Stop saying it like it’s a thing! You made it up!

Rick : Hey, Morty! Could you lick my… (Rick presses keys on the keyboard with the sample of him saying “Balls”)

(The President, Nathan, and his aide are watching them through a window)

Morty : Rick, cut it out! That’s not funny, Rick!

Nathan : I’ve seen enough. These guys are one-hit wonders.

President : And what’s your plan, General?

Nathan : We still have the nuclear option. On my word, we can launch a nuclear missile at every one of those heads in the sky.

President : Our planet’s held captive on a live game show and your solution is to shoot the audience? You can put your faith in nukes if we get through this, General. Until then, I’ll put mine in Rick and Morty. “Get Schwifty” was a jam.

(in field outside church, everyone is dressed in robes wearing head hats. Principal Vagina is holding a homemade satellite on a stick with an earbud)

Principal Vagina Hello? Yes sir, yeah. Thank you sir, thank you. He says he’s proud of what we’re doing and hopes we have a great Ascension Festival! Happy Ascension!

All Happy Ascension!

(Jerry is holding an ice cream cone, Beth looks unimpressed.)

Beth : We should pack up and leave town now.

Jerry : I think it’s inspiring that our community is coping with fear in a way that involves a festival and homemade ice cream. If you’d stop being such an evangelical atheist, you might start enjoying yourself.

(Summer arrives wearing a head hat, holding two head hats. Beth double-facepalms.)

Jerry : Whoa! Look at you! You’re wearing the hat and everything!

Summer : Here’s yours! (puts hat on Jerry) Mom, do you mind if I cook dinner tonight?

Beth : Yeah, sure. Wait, what??

Summer : I love you guys. You gave me life. And it’s the will of the many heads that all children honor their parents.

Beth : Dinner sounds nice.

(Ethan arrives.)

Ethan Pardon, Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Summer, are you coming to the Ascension?

Summer : Father, can we please go to the Ascension?

Jerry : Sure! Let’s go to the Ascension. Wh-wh-what is it?

(Three people are each tied to a bunch of balloons, tethered to a stake in the ground. One is labeled “Thief”, another labeled “Goth”, and the third labeled “Movie Talker”.)

Principal Vagina We hereby send these un-wantables skyward that they might be inhaled by the many heads, later to be sneezed back to us as better babies! (cuts first rope) Headward, free now to rise. (cuts second rope) Headward, free now to rise. (cuts third rope) Headward, free now to rise.

Summer : Oh yes, yes! Rise to the giant head! You are free to be free!

(in the studio)

Ice-T A squeegee comes up from the garage, right? And he’s got a lobster in one hand and movie tickets in the other. He’s like, “I’m ready!”

(Rick and Ice-T laugh)

Ice-T Who would take a lobster to see Iron Man 3?

(Rick and Ice-T laugh)

Ice-T Aw, damn. We’re out of original flavor Fig Newtons. I should get going anyway.

Rick : Wait, wait, wait! Come on, h-hold on a second!

(Rick grabs the portal gun, hits a couple buttons, makes a portal in the floor and drops through it. Another portal appears in the ceiling and Rick drops out of it with several snacks.)

Morty : What?!

Ice-T Damn. You didn’t tell me you f*** around with portals and shit.

Morty : That’s it!

(Morty grabs the portal gun and gets up.)

Rick : Whoa, whoa! Morty! Give me that!

Morty : You lied! You lied about the charge! You were just being lazy! Get back! Sit down!

Rick : Morty, just put it down. You don’t know what you’re doing.

(Morty turns to a wall and fires a portal.)

Morty : I’m going to go find Mom and Dad.

Rick : Nooooo!

(Morty jumps through the portal and Rick tries to grab him, but the portal closes.)

Rick : Ahhhh, sh**!

President : Ah, sh**.

(Morty steps through different portals to different worlds, ending up in Buttworld.)

Morty : Ahhh, sh**.

(Outside of the Smiths’ home, Summer, Beth and Jerry are hoeing the front yard.)

Summer : And then Ethan played guitar and we learned the Seven Contemplations of the Head by singing them. It was really fun. Praise be the head!

In unison

Jerry : Praise be the…

Beth : Praise be the…

End unison

Jerry : Yeah.

(Principal Vagina arrives on a bicycle with a seat, bell ringing.)

Principal Vagina Hi folks, Head Priest Vagina. Thanks for farming all those potatoes. It’s 6 p.m., so if you’re a parent, you’re now entitled to adoration from your children.

Summer : I’m going to start dinner! (walks into the house)

Beth : I don’t know what to say. Summer is doing really well here.

Jerry : She’s aced every test in potato class, and look how important potatoes have become.

(Someone tied to balloons floats by in the background with label “Inappropriate Joke Teller”.)

Beth : She’s not getting pregnant or doing drugs or missing curfew…

Balloon Man : Please help me! You can reach me if you try. Please help me!!

Beth : That’s not our business as long as Summer is thriving!

(Inside the Smiths’ house, Summer serves dinner at the table.)

Summer : Taco time! (Summer pulls off the lid to reveal exactly 12 tacos.) I hope it pleases you as the head desires.

Beth : That’s wonderful, Summer!

Jerry : We’re so proud of you. But honestly, you don’t have to make dinner every night.

Summer : Of course I do, silly! (gasps and drops lid) Oh my God, daddy, I’m sorry I called you silly! I’m so sorry! (turns around and drops to knees) Heavenly head and cranial creator! Forgive my transgressions against family and community! May my chores complete me as I complete them!

(Summer sulks out of the dining room and up the stairs.) (Morty stumbles out of a portal on a green world and collapses to the ground holding the portal gun. A figure looms over Morty, pokes him with a stick, then rolls him over.)

Birdperson : Morty.

Morty : Birdperson?

Birdperson : You appear to be dying. I will make efforts to prevent this, but can promise nothing.

(In the studio, Rick plays with the keyboard and Ice-T is in the corner on his phone.)

Rick : Wh-What do you think, Ice? Probably a little over-developed.

Ice-T Shit. Over-developed, under-developed. Bad songs are bad songs.

Rick : Well, do you think maybe, could you give me some help with it, or… ?

Ice-T Ah, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can’t afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame. You know what I’m sayin’?

Rick : Ice, I don’t want to be a negative Nelly or anything, but *burp* if Morty doesn’t come back with my portal gun and I eat it out there, it’s, uh, kind of your problem too.

Ice-T Pfff. I ain’t worried about no Earth blowin’ up, man.

Rick : What? Why not?

Ice-T Yo, this is why.

(Ice-T transforms into a floating ice shard with the same face.)

Rick : What the f***? You can turn into ice?

Ice-T My story begins at the dawn of time in the far away realm of Alphabetrium. There, every being is a letter of the alphabet. But I was frozen and exiled to the cosmos by my elders as punishment for not caring enough about anything. Earth is just one of the many stops on my lifelong journey with no destination. So you better believe I don’t care if it blows up! Cause I’ll just be ice, floatin’ through space, like a comet!

Rick : Take it from me, Ice. *burp* You can’t just *burp* float around space not caring about stuff forever.

Ice-T Pshhhh. Man, watch me. Good luck, Rick.

(Ice-T blasts out of the ceiling of the studio.)

President : Ok, things are getting out of hand. I better make sure Rick has everything he needs to “get schwifty.”

Nathan : Oh, for God’s sake, that’s enough.

(Nathan pulls a gun on the President)

President : What the hell are you doing, Nathan? I’m the goddamn President of the United f***in’ States!

Nathan : I’m setting the nuclear option to launch one minute into Earth’s performance. And you, Mr. President, I hope you like being hit in the face with a gun!

President : Wait, wait, wait, why-why --

(Nathan pistol-whips the President and he falls to the ground.) (At Birdperson’s residence, Birdperson serves Morty a bowl of food and tinkers with the portal gun.)

Birdperson : I believe I can access the history of Rick’s gun and help you get back to him.

Morty : But can you help me get to my family? You know, at my house?

Birdperson : Is your intention to abandon Rick using his own portal gun? In bird culture, this is considered a dick move.

Morty : All of Rick’s moves are dick moves! Wh-what am I eating? What is this, bird seed?

Birdperson : It is random debris. I found it in my carpet. I don’t know what humans eat.

(Tammy arrives wearing a bathrobe.)

Tammy : You know what THIS human eats!

Birdperson : Don’t be gross, Tammy.

Tammy : (leans over to Morty and whispers) Bird… d***.

Morty : Tammy… gross. Birdperson, you always stick up for Rick, but he doesn’t care about anyone but himself. He doesn’t think about the consequences of anything he does.

Birdperson : And as a result, he has the power to save or destroy entire worlds. And he is the reason you and I know each other. And the reason I’m alive at all.

(Birdperson points to a wall of photos of himself and Rick together. Last shown is Rick holding a baby.)

Morty : What’s that? Who’s that baby?

Birdperson : Morty, suppose you could retrieve your family from Earth but had to abandon Rick. I could give your loved ones shelter on Birdworld, even jobs, possibly as worm ranchers. How often do you think you might look up at the stars and wonder what might have been had you just put your faith in Rick?

(Morty stands in thought for a moment. Planet Music starts back up on the TV.)

Cromulon That was Chunky Tunk with “Full Ming Mong, Empty Gorp Dorp.” Up next, planet Earth!

Morty : Oh God! We’re up?!?!

(At the church, Principal Vagina and other priests are talking with Jerry and Beth.)

Principal Vagina Jerry and Beth, your family is a golden example of what Headism has to offer the world.

Beth : The world?

Principal Vagina Headism is a hit. We’re taking it worldwide and would like Jerry to be our church’s “Head” of Advertising.

Jerry : You… would?

Principal Vagina Beth, we’d like to promote you from horse surgeon, straight past human surgeon, to “Head” of Medicine.

Beth : That’s my dream! That’s my dream.

Jerry : Thank you. This is all so overwhelming, but, uh… we can’t.

Beth : Absolutely not.

Principal Vagina I’m sorry?

Beth : We’ve been waiting 16 years for our daughter to respect us, but the key is, it has to be “our” daughter, not this person she’s become.

Jerry : We’ll take our chances raising her without fancy new jobs outside of a potato-based religion. (turns and puts his hands on Beth’s shoulders) And you know what? I’m sick of pretending that we’re together because of the kids in the first place! I married you because you’re the love of my life!

Beth : (puts her hands on Jerry’s sides) And I‘m lucky to have you and I never tell you that! You know, we will come out of this stronger as a family!

(Cut: Summer has tied Beth and Jerry to ropes and balloons outside.)

Beth : Please don’t do this, please don’t do this! Summer!

Jerry : Summer, listen carefully. I stole a paper clip and I have it in my cheek but I don’t know what to do with it and it hurts.

Summer : You’re going to be ok! (ties another balloon to them) You will come back as babies!

Jerry : I AM a baby! I’m a baby NOW!

(In the now empty studio, a portal opens up and Morty steps through.)

Morty : Hello? Is anybody here? (looks through the studio window and sees the President tied up) Mr. President!

(Morty darts out of the studio to the President and unties him. The President climbs up to the console and presses a button)

President : This is Bluebird. Code tango-niner-alpha. Abort launch. Abort! Hello? (releases button) He’s blocked me out.

Morty : Sir, I need to get to the stage and help Rick get schwifty!

President : It won’t matter how schwifty you get, Morty. The General’s got nukes set to launch halfway through Earth’s song!

Morty : Oh my God! C-c-can you fly a Blackhawk?

President : Can the Pope’s d*** fit through a donut?

Morty : Uhhh, I’m not sure?

President : Exactly!

(On the stage, Rick stands before the Cromulons.)


Rick : Ahem. (starts a low-key, bouncy song) Uhhh… lop-oo-lop-oo-lop-oo-dups, nop-oo-nop-oo-nop-oo-nuts.

(Outside the church, Principal Vagina is preparing to cut Beth and Jerry loose. The Cromulons' faces become angry.)

Principal Vagina Headward free now to rise!

Mr. Goldenfold : Hey! Look at the heads! Looks like the heads are gettin’ angry!

(In the desert, the President flies the helicopter clumsily to the stage with Morty in tow.)

President : I’m really bad at this, Morty! There are way too many buttons on this thing!

Morty : Mr. President, if I’ve learned one thing today, it’s that sometimes, you have to not give a f***!

(On the stage, Rick continues his song.)

Rick : Nup-oo-nup-oo-nup-oo-nups… ooh, tough crowd.

(Outside the church, Principal Vagina is preparing to cut Beth and Jerry loose.)

Principal Vagina I’m sure that has… that has nothing to do with this.

(Principal Vagina cuts the rope and the Cromulons immediately start booing.)

Summer : The heads are displeased! (She jumps and grabs Beth and Jerry’s legs.)

Ethan Summer! (He jumps and grabs her.)

(On the stage Rick continues his song as the Blackhawk arrives. Morty and the President slide down ropes out of the helicopter onto the stage.)

Rick : Morty!

(The Cromulons begin cheering with “Yay!” and “Hooray!” etc. with smiles on their faces. The now unmanned helicopter crashes off frame.) (Outside the church, Summer and Ethan are pulling Beth and Jerry down to the ground.)

Mr. Goldenfold : The heads love this! They love it when we DON’T kill the Smith family!

(The balloons are released, but Beth and Jerry are still tied up.)

Principal Vagina No! Stop that! You’re not allowed to interpret the will of the heads!

(On the stage, the President grabs the microphone and speaks to the control room staff.)

President : Call off the nuclear strike! This is the President. Stop the nuclear missile launch!

Nathan : Just launch the missiles!

(Nathan smashes a button and two nuclear missiles emerge from the ground in the desert. The Cromulons watch as the missiles fly toward the yellow Cromulon and lay puny explosions on its chin.)

Cromulon BOO! NOT COOL!

(Outside the church)

Principal Vagina I’m the only one that speaks to the heads!

(Cromulon zooms in close to Earth)


Mr. Goldenfold : The heads disqualified Vagina! Get him!

(The mob runs toward Principal Vagina. The Cromulon zooms closer.) (On the stage)


(The plasma ray points toward Earth and begins powering up. The control room staff evacuates. The plasma ray heads right for the stage but something flies in the way and blocks it.)

All Ice-T?

(Ice-T slowly crumbles from the plasma ray’s power)

Ice-T That’s right, it’s me, Ice-T! I care now! You made me care more! With all due respect, I’d like to hear what Rick and Morty have to play.

Morty : What do you say, Rick?

Rick : I say… (grabs mic) Let’s do it!

(Morty presses a button on the keyboard and a different beat starts playing. The heads start with “Hooray” etc while smiling. Rick claps over his head and Morty dances a little.)

Rick : All right!

Morty : Ohhhh yeahhhh!

Rick : Come on, here we go!

Morty : Ohhhh yeahhhh!

Rick : Say it with me!

All Head bent over Raised up posterior Head bent over (ahh yeah) Raised up posterior

(Outside the church, Principal Vagina is ties up with balloons and rope. A different person cuts the rope. Vagina sees the heads smiling as he rises.)

Principal Vagina Ohhh my GOOOOODDDD!!!

(On the stage)

All Head bent over (yeah) Raised up posterior (oh yeah) Head bent over (oh yeah) (Raised up posterior!)

Cromulon After 988 seasons of Planet Music, the Cromulons have decided to declare Earth the final winner and bring our musical reality show to a conclusion. Goodbye!

(Earth is transported back to the right place.)

All Yeah, we did it!

(Outside the church, everyone is still and silent.)

Mr. Goldenfold : Did he just say “musical reality show”?

Jerry : Yeah, it’s possible that we may have been correlating some things that weren’t actually related at all.

(Principal Vagina floats by in the background.)

Principal Vagina HEEEEELLLLPPPP!!!!!

Beth : We should go get him.

(At Area 51, everyone is celebrating. The President shakes hands with Morty.)

President : I hope I can call on you again if we need you, Morty.

Morty : Sure thing! And I was kinda hoping that I could get a selfie with you?

(The President waves over Secret Service.)

President : Actually, if you try to tell anyone what happened here, we’ll deny it and probably worse.

(A Secret Service agent grabs Morty’s phone and snaps it in half.)

Morty : Understood.

(Nathan runs toward them with a gun.)

Nathan : DIIIIEEEE!!!!

(He is hit with an energy blast from Rick and disappears.)

President : Why didn’t he turn into a snake?

Rick : Trade secret, Mr. President. Particle beam in a wristwatch… snake holster on the leg.

(He pulls up his pant leg to reveal a holster which a snake crawls out of. The snake slithers away and a soldier whistles impressed. The President begins laughing and hugs Rick.)

President : I love this man!

[CREDITS] (On Alphabetrium, Ice-T enters a great hall containing his elders: a grey J, a gaseous F with a female face, and a Q made of lava. All three are holding different scepters.)

Ice-T Magnesium-J, Hydrogen-F. Father.

Magnesium-J : Word of your selfless acts on the Earth planet have travelled across the galaxy.

Ice-T I have changed. I am ready to rejoin my brethren on Alphabetrium.

Magnesium-J : Very well. Your exile ends today!

(All three press their scepters on the ground and the scepters glow. The beams form another beam that hits Ice-T and transforms him into a letter T made of water.)

Magnesium-J : Welcome home... Water-T.

(The hall shakes and begins falling apart.)

Purple-P : The Numbericons! They’re attacking!

Magnesium-J : Battle stations!

(A piece of the building falls on Magma-Q. Water-T runs over to him.)

Water-T : Father!

Magma-Q : I love you son. I should have never turned you to ice. (He dies.)

(Water-T produces a pistol on each T-end and begins walking out.)

Magnesium-J : Water-T, where are you going? There’s too many of them!

(A dramatic zoom to Water-T’s face.)

Water-T : Then I better crunch the numbers.

(Water-T bursts out of the door shooting at several Numbericons. The frame freezes mid-action and we hear gunshots and screaming. A title appears: “This summer: Water-T And The Rise Of The Numbericons.”) [END] Get Shorty2017

The Wedding Squanchers

Author(s): Justin Roiland

Transcriber/Editor(s): D. Lint

Date Aired: 2015

Reference Name(s): The Wedding Crashers

Reference Date(s): 2005

Jerry The trick to cereal is keeping 70% above the milk.

Beth Jerry, get a job.

[ Knock on door ]

Rick Uh, w-why don’t you get it, Jerry? You’re the man of the house, and you don’t have a job.

[Jerry Sighs ]

Courier Flap Delivery for Rick. Morning, Summer, Beth, and Jerry.

Summer Gross. What is that thing?

Rick It’s a courier flap. It’s like the intergalactic version of u.P.S., but less off-putting. Oh, shiiit! It looks like an egg-vite from birdperson. Must be time for his annual Oscar party. And, by the way, our TV signals take light years to reach his planet. Nobody tell him that "braveheart" wins.

[ Music plays ]

Birdperson Greetings. This is birdperson.

Tammy And Tammy!

Birdperson Inviting you to planet squanch for our mate-melding ceremony... blugh! [ Muffled ]

Tammy If you’re from earth, that means we’re getting married!

Summer Oh, my God! My friend Tammy’s marrying birdperson!

Jerry What the hell is a birdperson?

Morty He’s Rick’s best friend.

Rick Uh, l-let’s not get carried away, Morty.

Courier Flap Would you like to rsvp or send a gift?

Rick No. Weddings are basically funerals with cake. If I wanted to watch someone throw their life away, [burps] I’d hang out with Jerry all day.

Courier Flap Affirmative! Returning to sender.

Beth No, hold on, stay, courier flaps.

Courier Flap Staying!

Beth Dad, you have a friend that’s getting married. That’s a big deal.

Jerry It’s a big deal he has a friend.

Rick What do you know about friendship, Jerry?

Courier Flap Confirmed, shipping Jerry.

Jerry [ Muffled ] Whoa, whoa, wait! Aah!

Beth Oh, God! Jerry!

Morty Dad! Dad!

Summer Where is it taking him?

Rick I assume planet squanch... 6,000 light years across the galaxy.

Morty Whoa, t-that’s... that’s insane!

Rick Yeah, I know. Now we have to go to the wedding.

[opening credits] ♪[ Upbeat music playing] [ Bottles rattling ]

Squanchy Rick Sanchez! You psycho bag of squanch!

Rick Hey, what’s up, squanchy?

Summer and Morty Hey, squanchy.

Squanchy Morty, Summer! And you must be Beth. Mwah! Ensquanche!

Beth You’re language has the word "squanch" in it a lot. Doesn’t that become tedious and worn out, like the smurf thing?

Rick Beth, squanchy culture is more contextual than literal. You just say what’s in your squanch and people understand.

Beth Oh. Okay. I squanch my family. Uh... What, I do. I squanch my family.

Rick Stop saying it. Gross.

Squanchy Come on in, guys. The guest are having cocksquanches.

[ Groaning ] [ Gasps ]

Jerry Where am I?!

Beth You’re at a wedding. Go change.

♪ And I’m an alien with jazz rap style ♪ ♪ Jazz rapping for an alien mile ♪ ♪ Fat beats and an alien smile ♪ ♪ jazz space phone, alien dial is my friend ♪ ♪ I got a mouthful of jazz for your ass ♪ [ Crying ] ♪ And I’m gonna keep jazzing ♪ [ both squealing ]

Tammy Oh, you made it!

Summer I wouldn’t miss it for the world! Oh, my God. I love your ring.

Tammy Thanks. It was birdperson’s grandmother’s. She fought a squirrel for it.

Rick Birdperson.

Birdperson Rick, I am pleased you and your family could witness my melding with Tammy.

Beth Our pleasure.

Rick Yeah, I just hope you got a pre-meld.

Morty Rick!

Rick What?! It’s just a practical way of making sure that when she’s done with you, you can get one of your balls back.

Beth Jesus, dad.

Morty He’s just grumpy from the flight.

Rick Ohh, I-I was happy on the flight.I’m grumpy from the landing.

Jerry [ Sighs ] Well, I looked at the guest book. We don’t know a damn person here. Hi! Jerry Smith... father of the bride’s friend. Advertising is my usual game, but I’m between...

Beth Jerry, stop networking. We’re in space.

Jerry "Jerry, get a job! Jerry, don’t look for a job at an alien wedding!" I don’t get you.

Beth This is the closest I’ve ever gotten to this part of my father’s life.I don’t want to blow it.

Jerry Okay, I get it. I’m cramping your style.

Beth You say you get it, but I’m scared you’ll keep doing it. Look, here’s some humans you can practice on.

Pat You must be Summer’s mom and dad. We’re Tammy’s parents... pat and Donna guterman.

Beth Hi. Beth. This is Jerry.

Jerry So you’re teenage daughter’s marrying a birdman. Are you guys down with that? [ Chuckles ] No pun intended.

Pat We’re quite proud. He’s a wonderful person and an incredible bird.

Jerry Still, what is he, 40? [ Chuckles ] It’s just, you know, when he was 30, she was an actual child. When he was her age, she wasn’t born. When he was, let’s see, like, 18, she was literally in there in your womb. Imagine being pregnant with your daughter and a bird teenager comes into your home and says, "I’ll take that. I’ll have s*x with that."

[ Both chuckle ]

Beth Give us one second.

Jerry Oof!

Beth Were you born with your feet in your mouth?

Jerry I was transported here against my will in a meatball, all right? So take your attitude to the men’s section of kmart ‘cause you need to cut me some slack... S.

Beth I want you to stand in the corner and face the corner and talk to nobody.

Jerry Maybe... I... Will.

Morty You know, you’re not being very supportive of birdperson on his big day.

Rick Birdperson’s big day, Morty, was at blood Ridge on glapflap’s third moon against the gromflamites! This? This is a losing battle.

Morty Geez, Rick, it’s not like he’s dying. He’s getting married! I mean, what do you think’s gonna happen if you open yourself up a little bit? I mean, look around. This is your family and friends all around you, you know? Take the day off. There’s nothing to run from, nothing to fight.

Tammy [ Whistles ] That’s his last name.

Summer Are you hyphenating it?

Jerry Squanch this, mo-fo.

[ Both laugh ]

Rick Good one, Morty. Excuse me, bartender. Can you make me a dumb grandson pep talk? It’s one part lame advice about stuff you know nothing about and a lot of vodka.

Bartender Mm-hmm. I have a lot of vodka.

Rick Then I’ll take one of those. I don’t need the rest.

Morty God, whatever, Rick.

Beth Oh, it sounds like you and my dad have a long history together. Wish I could say the same.

Birdperson The road your father and I walked together is soaked deeply with the blood of both friends and enemies.

Beth Must be nice. Um, I used to have to draw him into family photos with a crayon.

Birdperson The war in which we fought is far from over. We live our lives in hiding.

Beth I guess I should be happy for you. I mean, great, you guys got to hang out. I hope you had a blast.

Birdperson The galactic government considers us terrorists. It’s unwise of me to share these details, but I’ve become inebriated.

Beth I don’t know if you can appreciate what it means to grow up without a father, but... the guest list at this wedding includes 17 of the federation’s most wanted.

Birdperson We have committed numerous atrocities in the name of freedom.

Beth Annnd during that time, I don’t suppose he ever mentioned his daughter. Are those baby quiches?

Birdperson Night crawler pate. I should prepare for the ceremony.

Beth Like talking to a brick wall.

[ Squawking ]

Squanchy In the name of the squanch, the six rivers, the four squanches, and the nine balls, I unite these two organisms in eternal squanch! Tammy, you may squanch your vows now.

Tammy Birdperson... [ Inhales sharply ] You are my seed, my worm, my earliness, and my lack of cats. I promise to be yours until your death.

Squanchy Nice!

All Aww!

Squanchy Birdperson.

Birdperson Tammy, I was approaching infertility when I met you, but there is still time. I am yours until my death.

All Aww!

Rick [ Burping ] Aww.

Squanchy I now pronounce you squanch and birdperson!

[ Cheers and applause and profane kissing ] ♪ Girl, you got it going on ♪ [ children laughing ]

Cyborg Photographer [ Monotone ] I am not staring at you. I am a cyborg photographer. Just act natural. This is a candid shot. I don’t require a camera so... sorry. Hi. I am not staring at you.

[ Screams ] [ Clinking ]

Rick Uh, hi, everybody. I’m ri[Burps]ck. You know, when I first met birdperson, he was, uhh... Listen, I’m not the nicest guy in the Universe because I’m the smartest. And being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets. Now, I haven’t been exactly subtle about how little I trust marriage. I couldn’t make it work, and I could turn a black hole into a sun, so at a certain point, you got to ask yourself what are the odds this is legit and not just some big lie we’re all telling ourselves because we’re afraid to die alone? Because, you know, that’s exactly how we all die... alone.

Summer Oh, boy.

Beth Oh, dad.

Jerry Jesus.

Rick But... but... Here’s the thing. Birdperson is my best friend, and if he loves Tammy, well, then I love Tammy, too. [ Cheers and applause ] To friendship, to love, and to my greatest adventure yet... opening myself up to others.

Summer Hear, hear! Cheers!

Squanchy Cheers to that, mother[Bleep]

Birdperson Thank you, Rick.

Tammy That was beautiful. Gosh, I look around this room, and I think, "uh, Tammy, you’re a high-school senior from the planet earth, and you’re marrying a 40-year-old birdperson? Like, what?!"

[ Laughter ]

Summer Yeah, Tammy!

Tammy But then I think, you know, in a lot of ways, I’m not a high-school senior from the planet earth. In a lot of ways, what I really am is a deep-cover agent for the galactic federation, and you guys are a group of wanted criminals, and this entire building is, in a certain sense, surrounded.

[ All murmur ]

Rick Oh, sh1t.

Summer I...Don’t get the metaphor.

Rick I’ll explain it to you later.

Tammy Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the federation.

Drunk L’Chaim!

Birdperson Tammy, what are you doing?

Tammy Sit your bird ass down.

Birdperson Tammy?

[ Cawing weakly ]

Rick Birdperson!! No!! [ Screaming] Holy...

Tammy [ beep ] Drop the portal gun. Slide it to the center of the room. [ Beeping ] Somebody confiscate that and don’t damage it. They’ll want it at...

[ whooshing ] [ High-pitched ringing and muffled background ] [ Sighs, roars ]

Squanchy There’s no time to squanch! Get your family out of here! I got this.

[ Gulps ] [ Roaring ] [ Deep voice ] How about a taste of my squanch?! [ Growling ]

Rick Come on, this way!

Squanchy Squanch this!

[ Engine turns over ]

Jerry Good thing I grabbed a space weapon.

Rick That’s a confetti gun, you [Bleep] idiot!

Beth Dad!

Rick Hold on tight!

Pat Aaah!!

Diane Aaaah!!

[ Sirens wailing ]

Rick God damn it! God damn it!!

Beth What the hell happened back there?!

Rick This is on you guys. I told you weddings are stupid.

Jerry Uh, Rick, is there anything you’d like to tell us about your relationship with this previously unknown galactic government?

Rick All the important points seem pretty clear, no? They think they control the galaxy, I disagree. Don’t hate the player, hate the game, son.

Jerry How could you be so dishonest with this family?

Rick Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don’t know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc?

Summer Hey, Tammy was cool!

Rick And now we know why.

Summer Because of you!

Rick [Bleep] You, Summer, and [Bleep] the government, and [Bleep] me for letting my guard down, which I will never do again.

Morty Geez, Rick! You can’t say f... "‘f’ you" to your granddaughter.

Rick I just did, Morty. Here’s dessert. [Bleep] You.

Beth Look, I think we’ve all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning.

Rick Yeah, about going home, we can’t... ever.

All What?!

Rick Oh, these guys are looking for us now. Earth will be swarming with them.

Beth Us?! Jerry... I want to go home!

Rick Look, anyone that wants to go back to earth is free to go back to earth. But here’s what’s gonna happen. Aliens bureaucrats are gonna arrest you. They’re gonna put the intergalactic equivalent of [Burps] jumper cables under your nuts and or labia and hook them up to an alien car battery until you tell them where I am... which I guarantee you, you’re not gonna know, which I guarantee they won’t believe. So who’s homesick? By applause. [ Sobbing ] Ladies? Anybody?

Summer What are we going to do? Where are we going to live?

Jerry Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise.

Rick [Bleep] Earth. You realize our planet’s name means dirt, right? We’ll find a new world. Computer, how many planets in the milky way are at least 90% similar to earth?

[ Beeping ]

Computer 765 known planets.

Rick How many of those are outside federal jurisdiction?

Computer [ Beeping ] Three.

Rick See? Our cup runneth over. Now, who wants to go shopping for a brand-new mother[Bleep] world?! All right! Look at this baby! Would you even know that wasn’t earth?

Morty Yes, because there’s no Africa.

Rick Pssh. White-people problems, Morty. Let’s go down and check her out. [ Thud, water splashing ] Oh. I thought it was further away. I uh... I guess this one’s a little small. All right, uh, maybe... maybe we should go check out the other two, huh? Okay, this one’s bigger. This looks nice.

Morty Mom, dad, look! Strawberries on a cob! [ Munching ]

Jerry Whoa! Hey, check this out! Flowers on a cob! [ Laughs ]

Rick Huh. Strawberries and flowers on a cob, huh?

Jerry That’s pretty cool.

Beth Are those... Mountains on a cob?

[ Birds cawing ]

Rick Oh, my God. Get in the ship, sweetie.

Beth What?

Rock Get in the god[Bleep] ship!! Everything’s on a cob!! The whole planet’s on a cob!! Go, go, go!! [ Engine turns over ] [ Burps ] All right, third time’s the charm. See what we got here.

Jerry Seems good. And nothing on the cob. Didn’t know that was a necessity, but...

Rick No, it’s nice. I think this might be it.

Morty Wow! Hey, look, you guys. The sun’s rising.

Sun Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!!

Beth Uh, dad, how long are the days on this planet?

Rick Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet?

[ Screaming continues ]

Computer 42 hours.

Rick All right, well, those are the two choices ‘cause cob planet is off the table. Now let’s take a vote.

Alien Newscastor Well, it’s official. The obscure planet known as earth, formerly the hiding place of interstellar terrorist and fugitive Rick Sanchez, has just become the 6,048th planet to join the galactic federation. The plucky little ball of water and dirt, which is where it gets its name, is dominated by seven billion primate-descended natives who love to eat spaghetti and pray to kangaroos.

Female Alien Newscastor Spaghetti, kangaroos? I’ve got to check this place out.

[ Both laugh ]

Alien Newscastor Well, you can. Contact the ministry of tourism for details. Up next, teenagers are calling it [ growls and squeals] And it’s not what you think.

Morty What are you... what did you do that for?

Summer Dramatic effect.

Rick Good morning, family. Oh, do I smell bacon?

Beth Yes, we discovered a species of tiny pig off the coast of new Australia about 30 yards east. Or 300 yards west. We’d offer you some, but we hunted it to extinction for breakfast.

Rick Well, I thought I’d walk to the South pole and do a little bit of exploring. If you guys need me, just yell or throw something so hard that it goes around the world and hits me.

Jerry [ Door shuts ] Okay, now that he’s gone, can we please talk about our situation?

Morty Dad, you can’t talk about people behind their back. You know, it’s a small world.

Jerry Please, he’s in the South pole! And we need to have a serious conversation.

[ Insects chirping ] [ Thunder rumbles ] [ Wind howling ]

Rick South pole discovered, baby! Ohhhh! Oh [Bleep] an ice cave? [Bleep] Things just keep on getting better. Wow, it’s the planet’s core.

Jerry I’m just saying, we keep acting like there’s only two options, but there’s not. So, yes, if we went back to earth, as long as Rick was out there, they’d want to interrogate us. But, and this is purely hypothetical, what if we turned your father in to the government?

Beth Jerry, so help me God, if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon.

Jerry There already is no more bacon! This world sucks!Our life sucks! Why are we doing this for someone that would never do anything for anyone but himself?

Morty That’s not the point, dad! We love Rick... F-for the most part.

Summer Yeah, you don’t love people in hopes of a reward, dad, you love them unconditionally.

Beth That’s very good, kids. I’m proud of you.

Jerry Okay, so let me get this straight. For the rest of your lives, no matter how much it hurts you, no matter how much it destroys our children’s futures, we’re gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants?

All Yes.

Jerry Why?!

Beth Because I don’t want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!!

Rick Hey. Uh... I was gonna hope over to the gloppydrop system, get some ice cream.

Morty You... you want me to come with? I mean, don’t you need my brain waves for camouflage or something?

Rick I’ll be okay. Bye, Morty.

Morty Rick? You’re not leaving, right?

Rick Yeah, I am. To get ice cream.

Morty So, you’re coming back?

Rick Morty, if you go to where there’s a bunch of ice cream and then you don’t come back, you haven’t actually gotten ice cream, you’ve just gone where ice cream is.

Morty Rick, I can handle it if you go, but you’ll break mom’s heart. And I won’t forgive you for that.

Rick Where’s the van, Morty?

Morty It’s over the horizon in the driveway.

[ Engine turns over ] ♪ I hurt myself today ♪ [ dialing ] [ Woman speaking gibberish ]

Phone Voice For English, press 2. [ Beep] Connecting to agent.

Agent Ongoing investigations.

Rick Uh, hi, my name is Jerry Smith, I’m from planet earth. I know the whereabouts of Rick Sanchez, the wanted criminal.

Agent Hold on! [ Ringing ]

Agent Gribbles This is special agent gribbles. You have a tip about Rick Sanchez?

Rick Yeah, he kidnapped me and my family, and he left us on dwarf terrace-9. He said he was gonna go to the plimplom tavern. And listen.

Agent Gribbles Yes? I’m doing what’s right for the galaxy by calling you, so if we come back to earth, can my family have a normal life?

Agent Gribbles We only want Sanchez, sir. Your family will be fine.

Rick Nice. Thank you. I’m Jerry Smith, and I love sucking big, sweaty [bleep] And licking disgusting furry testicle sacks.

Agent Gribbles Uh... Okay.

♪ What have I become ♪ ♪ my sweetest friend ♪ ♪ everyone I know ♪ ♪ goes away in the end ♪ ♪ you could have it all ♪

Beth He’s not coming back, is he?

Morty No.

♪ My empire of dirt ♪

Jerry Hey, look, cops.

♪ I will you down ♪

Officer Good morning.

♪ I will make you hurt ♪

Customs How long will you be visiting earth?

Jerry Oh, we live here. We were just off-planet for a wedding.

Customs Go that way. [ Tires screech, beeping ] I have processed that you are in in distress and have proscribed antidepressants. Compliments of the galactic federation.

Jerry I feel better.

Customs Your debt is 7,000 fed credits. Report to the ministry of employment and you will be assigned a function.

Jerry Honey! I got a job!

♪ You could have it all ♪

Cyborg Photographer [ monotone ] Sorry, I am not staring at you, I am taking your mug shot.

♪ My empire of dirt ♪ ♪ I will let you down ♪ ♪ I will make you hurt ♪

Prisoner Hey, what are you in for?

Rick Everything.

[‘‘Post-Credit Scene’’]

mr. poopybutthole Hoo-whee, what a cliffhanger. Oh, boy, oh, my! That’s a real crazy ending, huh? Hi, I’m Mr. poopybutthole from episode 204. [ Groans ] As you can see, I’m still recovering from the bullet shot that I got from Beth. Remember that one? Ooh-whee! [ Meowing ] Come and get it, kitty. You know, these little fellows help me get through the day. [ Gulping ] Ooh-whee. Oh, whoo-whee! Feels better. [ Doorbell rings ] I got a large pepperoni and some crazy sticks. Hey, what did you think of that finale, huh? Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay? Yeah, I don’t know what you’re talking about, bro. Your total is $12.37. Whoo-whee! You think Rick’s gonna get out off jail? Whoo-whee, you think the family’s gonna rescue him? Hey, what the [Bleep]?! Get the [Bleep] off me! [ Laughing and saying "ooh-whee!" ] Ow! Turn in to "Rick and Morty" season three in, like, a year and a half... Or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-whee!

The Wedding Crashers2005

Total Rickall

Author(s): Justin Roiland

Transcriber/Editor(s): D. Lint

Date Aired: 2015-08-16

Reference Name(s): Total Recall

Reference Date(s): 1990

(Smith family is eating, Jerry checks his mail)

Jerry : Steve, I just got a weird E-mail. Did you buy us airline tickets?

Uncle Steve : Aw shoot, it was supposed to be a surprise! I wanted to thank you for letting me live here all this time, so I'm treating the family to a vacation!

Beth : Steve, you're so sweet!

Morty : Thanks Uncle Steve!

Summer : Best uncle ever!

Uncle Steve : Look out world, the Smith family is goin' to Paris!

Summer :(Offscreen) Yeah! Awesome!

(Rick enters the room, and dumps some very familiar-looking rocks into the kitchen trash)

Jerry : Rick, I don't like glowing rocks in the kitchen trash.

Rick : Well I don't like your unemployed genes in my grandchildren, Jerry. But life is made of little concessions.

Jerry : I, you know what, I-

Uncle Steve : You're gonna land on your feet Jer. Some company out there's gonna think they're lucky stars they hired my little brother.

Rick : Who the fuck are you?

Jerry : My goofy brother Steve. He's been living here almost a year now, are you losing your mind?

Uncle Steve : Hey someone's been spending too much time around glowing rocks am I right? (Everybody except Rick laughs, Rick shoots Steve in the head)

All except Rick: *unintelegable screaming*

Morty : What the hell, Rick? What the hell?

Rick : Everybody just relax for a second. There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve". That is an alien parasite.

(Uncle Steve turns back into his true form and dies)

Jerry : But I've known him my whole life!

Rick : No you haven't Jerry. These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories they use those to multiply, spread out, and take over planets. It's disgusting.

Morty : Steve wasn't real?

Rick : He's a real piece of shit! This is a big one, someone probably tracked in last week on the bottom of their shoe or on a piece of alien fruit.

Summer : Someone?

Rick : Get off the high road Summer, we all got pink eye because you won't stop texting on the toilet.

Morty : But Uncle Steve taught me how to ride a bike.

Rick : No, "Steve" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food, and multiply. We could be infested with these things, so we gotta keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up.

Mr. Poopybutthole : Oh wee, whatever you want Rick, we're here to help!

Rick : Thanks Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.

*theme song plays*

Rick : Alright, there's six of us and that's it. Me, Morty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, and Summer.

Mr. Poopybutthole : Maybe you got the first one in time Rick!

Rick : Can't afford to chance it.

(Rick presses a button on his watch, all doors and windows in the house are sealed off by blast shields)

Beth : Dad, why does our house have blast shields?

Rick : Trust me Beth you don't wanna know how many answers that question has.

Mr. Poopybutthole : Ooh, gosh, it feels claustrophobic! Reminds me of that time we all got stuck in the elevator together. Y-- remember that? After "the hulk" musical? (Flashback, Jerry grunting, muzak playing )

Beth : Jerry, buttons don't work better if you hit them harder, and foam fists don't make you strong.

Jerry : I know. Friends make you strong. I watched the same musical you did.

Rick : Why couldn't I bring my portal gun? (Morty winces )

Morty : Why did all the drinks have to be extra large? Oh, the hulk. I just got that.

Summer : Just pee your pants. I did it the minute we got stuck. Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, shame me. At least when I'm disgusting, it's on purpose.

Mr. Poopybutthole : Oh, y'all, we're gonna be fine. I've always been here for you guys, and I always will be. ( chuckles )

Nicky : somebody call for repairs?

All : Yay! Cousin Nicky!

Nicky : It's me, cousin Nicky. I'm walkin' here! I mean, I'm not. I'm crouched in the elevator shaft, but hey, I'm walkin' here! ( laughter ) (Cut back to the present) It's true. We really do get into some crazy situations as a family, mostly when we're cooped up like this. Hey, maybe Mr. Poopypants is right. L-let's get some fresh air.

Morty : Come on, cousin Nicky. You heard Rick. We have to stay quarantined until we know that there's no more of these things.

Nicky : I hear you, Morty. Back in brooklyn, we got a sayin' -- "we're walkin' here!" ( laughter )

Jerry : Nicky! (Rick shoots Nicky in the shoulder, and he reverts back into a parasite)

Nicky : Oh! ( gasps ) ( groaning )

Morty : What the...? Cousin Nicky was a parasite?!

Rick : Six, Morty! There's supposed to be six of us! If there's seven, then that means somebody's not real.

Beth : But how did you know it was Nicky?

Rick : I guessed. That's why I aimed for his shoulder.

Beth : So we can't trust any of our memories now? Nicky was the reason we found that old nazi submarine. Did that not even happen?

Jerry : Well, of course it happened.

(Flashback, Morty, Rick, Jerry, Beth and Nicky are tied up, a Nazi stands before them)

Nazi : Now that I possess the mighty staff of Rah-gubaba, the world will tremble before the fourth reich!

Morty : This is the last time I ask you for help on my history final, Rick.

Nicky : Hey, we got a word for nazis back in Brooklyn, pal.

Nazi : I'm comfortable being called a nazi. You think there's some other word that will hurt my feelings? (Hits Nicky on the head) Yeah. Think before you talk shit. Rah-gubaba, help me kill america! (Mr. Beauregard knocks out the nazi)

All : Mr. Beauregard!

Mr. Beauregard : After due consideration, I have elected not to retire.

All : Yeah! Oh, thank god!

Mr. Beauregard : Now, I believe someone has a final exam to attend. Set a course for Morty's high school. (Return to the present) Perhaps I'm biased, but if that story never happened, then I wouldn't still be the family butler. ( chuckles ) dare to dream.

Rick : Wait.

Summer : And if Mr. Beauregard wasn't our butler, it's safe to say the family'd be in a hell of a lot of trouble. ( laughter )

Rick : No! Don't flashback!

(Flashbacks, Jerry has his head stuck in the staircase railing)

Summer : You're just gonna make more swelling.

Beth : Don't worry, Jerry. Just relax. We called the fire department.

Jerry : You know they won't come here anymore. ( grunting ) (Mr. Beauregard pours marmalade on Jerry, all gasp )

Mr. Beauregard : Marmalade is served. (everybody cheers)

Frankenstein : I guess I take back what I said about British cuisine. ( laughter )

(Rick, Summer, and Mr. Beauregard are having a pillow fight)

Rick : Take that!

Sleepy Gary : We're trying to sleep.

(Morty is in the living room with Beth, Jerry, and Sleepy Gary)

Morty : I don't want to go to the dance alone.

Mr. Beauregard (Off-screen): Then perhaps, you shouldn't.

(Mr. Beauregard appears, in a dress)

Beth : Aww. Mr. Beauregard.

Mr. Beauregard : Shall we, master Morty?

Morty : We shall.

Beth : Oh, wait, don't leave without letting photography raptor take a picture. ( raptor screeches ) ( camera shutter clicks ) ( cut back to the present, laughter )

Rick : Everybody stop remembering! These parasites are like bed bugs, and every flashback is another mattress. Look! There's only supposed to be six people in this house.

???? But there's always been 10.

Rick : No! Uh, the fact that I wrote this number down means that there's four parasites.

Frankenstein : You sure about that, Rick?

Mr. Beauregard : Begging your pardon, master Rick, but I seem to recall a great deal of confusion surrounding that number.

Rick : All right, there's six of us, ( belches ) and that's it. Me, Morty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, Frankenstein, Sleepy Gary, Photography raptor, Mr. Beauregard, and Summer.

Beth : Uh, dad, that's like 10 people.

Rick : 6, 10, what's the difference? I just love the number 6 for no reason! Where's my pencil at?

Pencilvester : Right here, Rick! Use me!

Rick : Oh, thanks, Pencilvester! (writes the number 6 again) Yeah,I-I g-- I guess that is what happened, but I-I don't get why I would do that.

Pencilvester : Everybody makes mistakes, Rick. Why do you think I have one of these? ( laughter, camera shutter clicks )

Beth : That's it. Photos. Hard evidence. (Beth scrolls through photos, becomes suspicious) You're not in any of my photos, Mr. Poopybutthole.

Mr. Poopybutthole : Well, what do you know about this? You're not in any of mine.

Summer : All I have are pictures of me and my friends from school. (everybody else stares at Summer) What? What teenage girl has pictures of her family? It's not like we're mormon or dying.

Frankenstein : I will admit it's suspicious that Summer's only friend is a magic ballerina lamb that we've never seen.


Tinkles : Summer!

Summer : Tinkles! It's past my bedtime.

Tinkles : ( giggles ) Not in never past bedtime land! Here we go! ♪ Summer and Tinkles ♪ ♪ friends with each other ♪ ♪ living in never past bedtime land ♪ ♪ no kitchen sinkles ♪ ♪ no little brother ♪ ♪ going to raves and waving our hands ♪ (Rapper rapping ) ♪ Summer and tinkle, friends to the end ♪ ♪ group text the whole crew, my mother... Friends! ♪ ♪ ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry ♪ ♪ "t" to the "inkle" with a capital "I" ♪

(Scene cut's back to Summer's Bedroom, revealing that she was only dreaming)

Summer : Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Sleepy Gary : Summer, we're trying to sleep.

Summer : It was Tinkles! Tinkes?

(Cut back to the present)

Rick : That is su-- [belches] -- suspicious. We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, but we never get to –

Tinkles : Hi, everybody. I'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. ( all sigh )

Summer : See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am I.

(Everyone except Rick apologizes to Summer)

Frankenstein : I was on the wrong side of the pitchfork on this one.

Jerry : Okay, look, we shouldn't need evidence or logic to know who's family and who isn't. I know who the Smiths are. I've known Beth since high school. And her husband, Sleepy Gary, is hands down my absolute best friend.

Sleepy Gary : Thanks, Jerry. Beyond that, no offense to any of you, but all bets are off.

Rick : Look, I'm not used to being this unsure for this long. I'm just gonna aim for shoulders starting with the weird girl. (Tries to shoot Summer)

Summer : Aah! Grandpa Rick!

Rick : Hold still, "Summer."

Sleepy Gary : Rick, that is my daughter.

Rick : Oh, yeah? Well, what if you just think that, Sleepy Gary? I've known you for 15 years. Don't make me hurt you.

Sleepy Gary : Rick, these are our family and friends, the people we barbecue with. Have you forgotten the barbecue?

Rick : Wait, why would you want me to -- You're one of them, aren't you?

Hamurai : Rick, you love those barbecues, Rick. You love them. Hai!

Amish Cyborg : Remember it, Rick?

Rick : Shut up, Hamurai! Shut up, Amish Cyborg! What is this? '90s Conan?

All : Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue.

( chatter )

Rick : You know what, Pencilvester? It took me my whole life to realize it, but I love barbecuing.

Pencilvester : You're good at it, Rick.

Rick : Watch me, baby. I'm like tom cruise from, um, "cuisine" or w-whatever that movie's called where he makes drinks. Yeah, check me out. I'm like tom cruise from "cuisine." ( chuckles ) yeah. Is that what it's called? "cuisine"?

Pencilvester : Wow! Hey, everybody. Let's give it up for the grill master, Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick! ( all chanting "Rick" )

Rick : Wait. (cut back to the present, breathing heavily ) Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.

Sleepy Gary : I think you should put down the gun and we should get you to a doctor. What do you say we take down these blast shields?

All : Yeah.

Rick : Can't do that, Sleepy Gary. All right, everybody listen to me. I don't know if any of you guys are real, but this house has been infested with fake loved ones that spread through fake memories, and our planet will be destroyed if they get out. ( grunts )

Pencilvester : But Rick, even you have to admit you do tend to overreact to stuff.


Rick : You guys, we got to hurry. I just got back from Walmart. They're selling Nintendo 3ds systems for $149.99 on sale, plus every time you buy one, you get a $50 gift card. Brings the total price down to $110 after tax. Now, listen, we can flip those sons of bitches for 230 bucks apiece easy! They're all limited-edition "Zelda" ones. Hurry! Hurry! Come with me! We can be rich, and we also all get to keep one and we can play nintendo games! Nintendo, give me free stuff.

(Cut back to the present)

Rick : Okay, yes, I definitely remember doing that, but also, I would never do that

Pencilvester : Don't overreact, Rick.

Jerry : Sleepy Gary, a word?

Sleepy Gary : Sure, Jerry. Rick, keep a level head, okay? 'Cause I'll tell you a secret about Frankenstein -- He's actually Frankenstein's monster.

(Rick looks at Frankenstein, Frankenstein pounds his fist)

Jerry : Sleepy Gary, m-my head is filled with memories of our friendship. I'm convinced that you're Beth's husband and I'm your friend, but if those memories can't be trusted, then...

Sleepy Gary : Jerry, just say it.

Jerry : Sleepy Gary, how do we know I'm real?

Sleepy Gary : Jesus, Jerry. No, you're real. Hey, look at me. Now, I don't know which way is up out there, but I know us, and you're real, Jerry. Remember our vacation?


Sleepy Gary : They're filming that new "Star Wars" movie down the coast. Should we check it out?

Jerry : Sure. Why not? (Gary drinks, Jerry drops his bottle, both he and Gary reach for it)

Sleepy Gary : Maybe we'll see Chewbacca.

Jerry : I'd like that. ( Kissing ) What are we doing?

(Cut back to the present)

Sleepy Gary : I don't give a damn what else happens out there. You and I are going to survive this.

Jerry : Okay. Hey, we agreed. Never in the house.

(Transit to the living room, Rick is pointing the gun at random people)

Frankenstein : That's a cool watch there, Rick. Can I check it out?

Rick : Uh, no thank -- ( grunts ) Okay. Trying to figure out how to lower the blast shields, huh? Anybody here think it's suspicious that a lot of people in here can't wait to get out of here?

Frankenstein : Ah, you're paranoid, Rick. You've been paranoid since 'nam.


Rick : So, what are you gonna do when you rotate back to the world, Frankenstein?

Frankenstein : Shi-i-i-i-t. I'mma bust a -- ( cut back to the present, Rick grunts )

Rick : No! Get out of my head, parasite! No! Drop it. Give me the gun, Frankenstein! ( indistinct shouting ) Give it back!

All : Yeah! ( applause ) Frankenstein!

Rick : ( breathing heavily ) Is anyone here even real? Am I the only real person on earth?!

Reverse Giraffe : Maybe. Or maybe, just maybe, we're all real. You know me. I'm reverse giraffe. I have a short neck and legs. I went to college with Hamurai.

Hamurai : Hai!

Reverse Giraffe : I saved Ghost In A Jar's life in Vietnam.

Ghost in a Jar : Boo rah!

Reverse Giraffe : And Beth, how many times have I been a shoulder for you to cry on?

Beth : ( sighs ) Too many.

Reverse Giraffe : Okay, so maybe we're just all fake.

Mrs. Refrigerator : That don't make no sense!

Reverse Giraffe : Or maybe, there's only one deceiver here -- The person that keeps telling us the path to salvation is being held prisoner and mistrusting each other.

Rick : Hey, don't blame me! I tried to shoot Summer 10 minutes ago!

Reverse Giraffe : I know we all have beloved memories of Rick, but are we really supposed to believe that a mad scientist inventor with a flying car just showed up on our doorstep after being gone for years?

Morty : Yeah, you know, he does have a lot of really weird, made-up sounding catchphrases.


Rick : Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. Aids! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. No jumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! ( laughs ) yeah! Say that all the time.

(cut back to the present)

All : ( muttering ) That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there.

Beth : And don't forget his incredibly vague back story.

Rick : Beth, I'm your father!

Beth : Oh, are you, dad? Are you?

Morty : Rick, if you want to prove you're real, just do what any of the rest of us would do and -- and -- and open the blast shields and let us the hell out of here!

Rick : Why don't you make me, implausibly naive pubescent boy with an old Jewish comedy writer's name?

(Everybody is surprised)

Mrs. Refrigerator : In your face!

Morty : Give me the gun. (Looks at everyone else) I'm not doing this in front of Pencilvester. Bring him to the garage. ( all cheering ) All right, you listen to me, you son of a bitch parasite scum. We could either do this the easy way or the hard way. You know, y-y-y-- do you want to live? Then open the blast shield doors.

Rick : Shut up, Morty, you brainwashed, little turd that might not even be real because I'm brainwashed, too.

Morty : You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us. You know, w-we all remember you as a friend.

Rick : Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Morty!

Morty : Oh -- oh, yeah?

Rick : Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six of them are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, mother[bleep] Pull the [bleep] trigger!

(Morty shoots Baby Wizard, Baby Wizard screeches )

Duck with Muscles : Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife.

(Morty shoots the duck, parasite screeches )

Rick : What the hell?

Morty : I figured it out, Rick! The parasites can only create pleasant memories. I know you're real because I have a ton of bad memories with you!

(Flashbacks of times where Rick left Morty in depair) ♪ these memories that we have ♪ ♪ these memories that we cherish ♪ ♪ I wish that we... can go back... to that time ♪ ♪ ooh, ooh, ooh ♪ (Cut back to the present)

Rick : Holy crap, Morty, you're right.

Morty : Is -- is -- isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me?

Rick : Well, yeah, duh-doy. T-took you long enough. (Rick turns the dial on the washing machine, the wall draws back to reveal a set of guns)

Rick : Now let's go, Morty. We got a lot of friends and family to exterminate. ( grunts )

(Rick shoots a parasite, everybody else screams )

Morty : Everybody remain calm! This is gonna take some explaining.

Rick : We need to kill everyone that we can only remember fondly. Who's got a bad memory about Mrs. Refrigerator?

Mrs. Refrigerator : I-I-I-I -- everyone has bad memories of me. You remember that one time? (flashback, Beth, Jerry, Mrs. Refrigerator and a lot of other people on a roller coaster, screaming, cut back to the present) Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming.

Beth : Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator. They're thrilling. And you've been a perfect companion to me my entire life.

Mrs. Refrigerator : The jig is up! ( whimpering ) get me out of here. Get me out of here! Aah! ( screeching ) ( all gasping ) Oh [bleep]

Rick : Everybody back! If you're not a parasite, you have nothing to fear. What about Summer?

Summer : Why am I always your go-to?

(Flashback, Morty is hosing the backyard, Summer grunts and kicks him in the crotch, Morty whimpers )

Summer : Never go in my room again.

Morty : I didn't! (Cut back to the present) She's real. She's my bitch of a sister.

Summer : Nice. (Flashback) Mom, are you driving me to --

Beth : Hmm? Yeah, yeah, yes. What time?

Summer : Oh, my god. Are you drunk?

Beth : ( belches ) * slurring * What're you, my life coach?

Summer : Your what? Oh! God! Oh. Oh, my gosh. Oh! God! Mom!

Beth : Sweetheart, are you okay? I didn't mean to --

Summer : I'm gonna have a bruise! It's picture day!

Beth : It's not, don't overreact. I can clean it up.

Summer : ( sobs ) I want the police to take me!

(Cut back to the present)

Summer : Morty, give a gun to the lady that got pregnant with me too early and constantly makes it our problem.

Beth : Thank you, sweetie.

Cross Teddy Bear : Beth, Beth, please!

Beth : I thought it was too good to be true that we'd have compatible kidneys. (shoots the bear, parasite screeches ) ( guns cock ) ( screaming ) ( blasting ) ( screeching )

Rick : (Corners Pencilvester) Come on, man. Haven't we ever had an uncomfortable silence or an awkward fart on a road trip? Come on, Pencilvester. Give me anything.

Pencilvester : Rick, I'm Pencilvester. Listen to that name. You can't kill me.

Rick : You're right. (To Morty) Kill Pencilvester.

(Morty shoots Pencilvester, parasite screeches ) (Summer shoots Frankenstein, parasite screeches ) (Summer shooting, parasites screeching )

Tinkles : Summer, I've always loved you!

Summer : Yep. (Shoots Tinkles, parasite screeches ) ( all gasp, Summer shoots ) ( more screeching ) (Morty shouts)

(Flashback, Summer walks into the kitchen and turns on the light, and sees Morty masturbating)

Summer : Oh, my god!

Morty : I-I-I thought you went to a concert!

Summer : We forgot the tickets! Why in the kitchen?!

Morty : I do it everywhere! Stop shaming me!

Summer : You're not the victim here!

Morty : I hate you, and I was thinking about your friend Grace!

Summer : Aaaaaah! (cut back to the present, more shooting, parasites screeching )

Mr. Beauregard : Ah. Master Rick. Remember when you weren't going to shoot me? (Rick shoots Mr. Beauregard, parasite screeches )

Rick : I guess I did the butler! Ha ha! Does -- d-does that scan?

Ghost in a Jar : Oh, I-I get it. It's a play on "the butler did it."

Rick : Thanks, ghost in a jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy. (shoots ghost in a jar, parasite screeches ) ( screeches )

Jerry : You got to hide me, Sleepy Gary.

Sleepy Gary : Don't worry. I have a plan. If we can get to my boat, there's a -- (Beth shoots Sleepy Gary, Gary slowly turns back into a parasite, screeches )

Jerry : No. No! Send me to Gary. I want to be with Gary. (Flashback, Jerry is running away from a hobo)

Beth : Whoa. What the hell?

Jerry : Look out for that homeless guy!

Beth : Open the door! Open the door! Open the door!

Jerry : There isn't time! Just run!

Beth : ( grunts ) Get out here and help me!

Jerry : They say you shouldn't do that! Just run!

(Cut back to the present)

Beth : Ugh. Sorry, Jerry. You're real.

Jerry : ( crying ) I'm a parasite!

Beth : Yeah, but you're real.

Jerry : (tries to kiss Beth)

Beth : Uh, uh, I need time to forget about Sleepy Gary.

Jerry : Me, too. ( Rick opens the blast shields )

Rick : From now on, let's all be careful to wash our hands when we get back from outer space. That goes for everyone.

Jerry : This is depressing. We killed every good person in the house. We're what's left? What a family.

Rick : At least we're real, Jerry. We're real. Ricky ticky tavi!

Mr. Poopybutthole : Ooh, whee! Amen to that. Now, this little poopypants is hungry. Will somebody pass me a pork chop? ( chomping )

Mr. Poopybutthole : Huh. I-is -- is something wrong, Beth? (Beth shoots Mr. Poopybutthole) Ow! ( screams ) oh, my god!

Rick : No, Beth! Oh [bleep]

Beth : Wait, but I --

Mr. Poopybutthole : Oh, Beth! Why?!

Jerry : I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend.

Mr. Poopybutthole : Why?

Summer : Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole.

Beth : I-I thought --

Morty : Keep breathing!

Mr. Poopybutthole : Oh, god. What's happening?

Morty : Look at me! Look at me! Don't -- don't fall asleep!

Mr. Poopybutthole : Is -- is this what bleeding to death is? Oh, whee. Is this how I die?

Rick : Oh, geez! Oh, my god!

Mr. Poopybutthole : Why would you do this? Beth. It's not supposed to hurt. I-I thought... ( siren wails ) Ooh, whee.

(Post-Credits scene)

Beth : Oh, he -- he's looking a lot better.

Rick : Listen, Beth, don't torture yourself. I made a similar mistake years ago, but, you know, on a planetary scale.

Beth : Is, um, is he mad at me?

Rick : He's not pressing charges. I mean, that's got to be the "you shot me" equivalent of not being mad.

(Doctor steps out of the room)

Beth : Can he have visitors?

Doctor : He'd like to be alone. He told me to tell you he's sorry you didn't have bad memories of him? If you love him, you should leave. ( door closes )

(Smith family walks out of the hospital)

Rick : (Smiles) And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes.

Total Recall1990

The Rickshank Redemption

Author(s): Justin Roiland

Transcriber/Editor(s): D. Lint

Date Aired: 2015

Reference Name(s): The Shawshank Redemption

Reference Date(s): 1994

Rick : Anyway, that's how I escaped from space prison! Oh, scary place.

Morty : Wow, Rick! That's -- That's one -- one heck of a story. I sure do wish I could have been there to see it happen.

Rick : Oh, come on. Who wants to watch a mad scientist use handmade sci-fi tools to take out highly trained alien guards when we can sit here and be a family at Shoney's?

Beth : Dad, it's great to have yo