Pilot

Author(s): Justin Roiland

Transcriber/Editor(s): A. Hall

Date Aired: 2013-12-02

Reference Name(s):

Reference Date(s):

Open to Morty’s room

Rick stumbles in drunkenly, and turns on the lights. Morty! You gotta come on. Jus'... you gotta come with me.

Morty rubs his eyes. What, Rick? What’s going on?

Rick I got a surprise for you, Morty.

Morty It's the middle of the night. What are you talking about?

Rick spills alcohol on Morty's bed Come on, I got a surprise for you. drags Morty by the ankle Come on, hurry up. pulls Morty out of his bed and into the hall.

Morty Ow! Ow! You're tugging me too hard!

Rick We gotta go, gotta get outta here, come on. Got a surprise for you Morty.

Cut to Rick's ship

Rick Rick drives through the night sky. What do you think of this... flying vehicle, Morty? I built it outta stuff I found in the garage.

Morty Yeah, Rick... I-it's great. Is this the surprise?

Rick Morty. I had to... I had to do it. I had— I had to— I had to make a bomb, Morty. I had to create a bomb.

Morty What?! A bomb?!

Rick We're gonna drop it down there just get a whole fresh start, Morty. Create a whole fresh start.

Morty T-t-that's absolutely crazy!

Rick Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good. Right now, we're gonna go pick up your little friend Jessica.

Morty Jessica? From my math class?

Rick puts an arm around Morty’s shoulders. When I drop the bomb you know, I want you to have somebody, you know? I want you to have the thing. I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam.

Morty Ohh...

Rick And Jessica's gonna be Eve.

Morty Whhhh-wha?

Rick And so that's the surprise, Morty.

Morty No, you can't! shoves Rick away. Jessica doesn't even know I exist! But—but, but forget about that, because you can't blow up humanity!

Rick I-I get what you're trying to say, Morty. Listen, I'm not... spills alcohol down his shirt. You don't got... Y-you don’t gotta worry about me trying to fool around with Jessica or mess around with Jessica or anything. I'm not that kind of guy, Morty.

Morty What are you talking about, Rick?

Rick You-you don't have to worry about me getting with Jessica or anything. Sh-sh-she— she, she, she's all for you, Morty.

Morty I don't care about Jessica! Y-Yyyyyyyyyyou—

Rick You know what, Morty? You're right. throws empty bottle into the backseat) Let's forget the girl altogether. She, she's probably nothing but trouble, anyways. (presses a button.

Robot Voice Arming neutrino bomb.

Morty unbuckles his seatbelt) That's it... that's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel. (jumps up on Rick and starts fighting with him over control of the wheel.

Rick Get off of me, Morty! they begin to talk over each other.

Morty I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy! starts kicking Rick's face while grabbing the wheel.

I'm put—I’m, I'm, I'm, I'm puttin’... I-I’m, I’m, I’m not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... dumb person and just le-let you ruin the whole world!

Rick at the same time) Come on! What’s gotten into you? If you love Earth so much why don’t you marry it? (pushes Morty) What are you, crazy? Alright, alright, Morty. (pushes Morty off of him.

Rick Alright. I'll-I'll land. I'll land. I'll land. I'll land the thing. I’ll land the thing. Big tough guy all of a sudden.

Cut to desert

Rick Rick lands the cruiser in an open desert; he opens the door and tumbles out among dozens of empty alcohol cans and bottles.

We'll park it right here, Morty. Right here on the side of the ree... road here.

Morty Oh, thank god.

Rick You know what? That was all a test, Morty. Just an elaborate test to make you more assertive.

Morty It was?

Rick Sure. Why not? I don’t, I don't know. Y-you know what, Mo— falls asleep and begins snoring.

Robot Voice Neutrino bomb armed.

Morty Um...

Cut to opening theme Open to Smith residence, dining room

Jerry I see there's a new episode of that singing show tonight. Who do you guys think is gonna be the best singer?

Morty falls asleep at the table, smashing his face into his plate.

Summer Oh my God, his head is in his food. I'm going to puke.

Beth Morty, are you getting sick? Morty lifts his head, clearly exhausted, and wipes food from his face

I told you not to practice-kiss the living room pillow. The dog sleeps on it.

Morty I wasn't kissing a pillow, mom. I just I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Maybe my dreams were just too loud or something.

Summer Or maybe you were out all night again with Grandpa Rick.

Jerry What?

Beth Dad?

Rick What, so everyone's supposed to sleep every single night now? You realize that nighttime makes up half of all time?

Jerry Damn it!

Beth Jerry!

Jerry Beth!

Summer Oh my god, my parents are so loud, I want to die.

Rick Mm, there is no God, Summer. You gotta rip that band-aid off now. You'll thank me later.

Jerry glaring at Rick. Okay, with all due respect, Rick— what am I talking about? What respect is due? How is my son supposed to pass his classes if you keep dragging him off for high-concept Sci-Fi rigamarole?

Rick Listen, Jerry. I-I-I don't want to overstep my bounds or anything. It's your house. It's your world. You're a real Julius Caesar but I'll tell you something—tell you how I feel about school, Jerry. It's a waste of time. Jerry stares incredulously at him) Buncha people running around, bumping into each other. G-guy up front says, "two plus two." The people in the back say, "four." Then the—then the bell rings, and they give you a carton of milk and a piece of paper that says you can go take a dump or something. I mean, it's not a place for smart people, Jerry. And I know that's not a popular opinion, but it's my two cents on the issue. (wipes his mouth and gets up, stopping behind Beth and putting a hand on her shoulder) This was a good breakfast, Beth. You really made the crap out of those eggs. I wish your mother was here to eat them. (Rick gives Beth a kiss and walks away.

Beth tears up in happiness. Oh, dad…

Jerry What? For real? Morty's face slams into his plate again.

Cut to Ext. Harry Herpson High School

Mr. Goldenfold Alright, now, everybody get settled. Get away from the windows!

Cut to Int. Mr. Goldenfold’s class

Mr. Goldenfold Now, look, we're gonna be dealing with some real serious stuff today. You might have heard of it. It's called math? And without it, none of us would even exist, so let's jump right in. Two plus two.

All classmates except Morty Four.Morty, sitting in the back row, stares at Jessica, who sits in the front row, answering Jessica’s name for the questions.

Morty Jessica.

Mr. Goldenfold Five plus five.

All classmates except Morty Ten.

Morty Jessica. Jessica hears Morty and looks back, confused, not sure who’s saying her name.

Mr. Goldenfold Okay, good. It's time for the quiz.

Class Awwwwww.

Mr. Goldenfold Yeah, you know what?! Aw, too bad! Tough! First row, take one. Pass it back for me. The stakes are high in this room. Morty stares at the quiz; the numbers on the quiz jumble together as Morty falls asleep

There's crucial things happening here every day. People getting smarter. Some of y'all getting dumber. Some of y'all ain't gonna see 3:00. Morty falls into a dream world filled with large number-shaped blocks; Jessica steps out from behind some of the numbers.

Jessica Hi, Morty.

Morty Whoa! Hi, Jessica.

Jessica Can I show these to you? Jessica opens her shirt, showing Morty her breasts.

Morty Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you!

Jessica You know what I named these? My little Morties.

Morty rubs the back of his neck. Uh, that's flattering... and a little weird.

Jessica Do you know what I want you to do with them?

Morty Rename them?

Jessica Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. No wrong answers.

Morty Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. Morty grabs her breasts and starts fondling her.

Jessica Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me?

Morty Uh, I-I'm just doing my best. in real life, class has ended and Morty is fondling Mr. Goldenfold.

Mr. Goldenfold Morty! What are you doing to me?!

Morty sleep-talking. Ah, Jessica.

Mr. Goldenfold Morty!

Morty Jessica.

Mr. Goldenfold Five more minutes of this, and I'm gonna get mad. leans back and bites his lip.

Morty Je-Jessica. Jessica.

Mr. Goldenfold Not my fault this is happening.

Cut to hallway

Frank Morty is at his locker, where he is confronted by a bully, Frank Palicky.

Well, well, well.

Morty Uh, morning, Frank.

Frank pins Morty to his locker "Morning"? What was what is that supposed to mean? You making fun of me? Are you trying to say my family's poor? takes out a pocket knife and points it at Morty's neck.

Morty Oh, geez, Frank. I don't know if a knife is necessary. I mean, you know, y-you kind of had things handled without it.

Frank You telling me how to bully now? Big mistake, Morty and now I'm gonna cut you, 'cause my family's rich. Frank suddenly freezes and Rick steps out from behind him.

Rick There you are, Morty. Listen to me. I got an errand to run in a whole different dimension. I need an extra pair of hands.

Morty Oh, geez, Rick. W-w-what'd you do to Frank?

Rick It's pretty obvious, Morty. I froze him. Now listen I need your help, Morty. I mean, we got we got to get get the hell out of here and go take care of business. burps. It's important. Come on, Morty.

Morty I don't know, Rick. I can't leave school again.

Rick Do you have any concept of how much higher the stakes get out there, Morty? What do you think I can just do it all by myself? Come on!

Morty Aw, geez. Okay. I guess I can skip history. What about Frank? I mean, shouldn't you unfreeze him?

Rick I'll do it later, Morty. He'll be fine. Let's go. takes off with Morty and then Summer comes by, seeing Frank's frozen body.

Summer in her headOh, my God. I'm about to walk past Frank Palicky. This is the story we'll be telling our children. walks up to Frank and talks to him, oblivious to the fact that he's frozen.

Summer Hi, Frank. Frank's frozen foot breaks and he drops to the ground and shatters into a million pieces, dying.

Summer AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

Cut to horse hospital

Beth performing heart surgery on a horse. Scalpel.

Davin Scalpel. Jerry enters the room.

Jerry Knock, knock.

Beth Jerry?

Jerry My manager gave me an hour for lunch, and I thought, "hey, why not swing by where your wife works?" The heart rate for the horse starts beeping really fast.

Tom offscreen) We're losing him. (Beth adjusts the horse's organs.

Tom offscreen. Okay, he's back.

Beth Jerry, please tell me you're here for an incredibly urgent reason.

Jerry Well, it's lunch. I mean, it's one of three meals that have existed for millennia. the heart rate starts beeping again.

Tom offscreen) Losing him. (Beth adjusts the organs again.

Tom offscreen. Stabilized.

Beth Okay, I only ask, Jerry, because, as you know, my job involves performing heart surgery.

Jerry Well, yeah, on horses.

Beth Excuse me?

Jerry Okay, Let's not rehash that fight. I sense that you're busy and will now be on my way. drops a pamphlet on the ground.

Jerry Whoa! What is this on the floor? Some kind of literature for a really nice-looking nursing home. Hey, honey, crazy idea bad pitch let's put your dad here. Let's put your dad in a nursing home. Beth looks at Jerry angrily and the heart hate starts beeping again.

Tom offscreen. We're losing him.

Beth Hey, Tom! We know when we're losing him. WE CAN HEAR THE BEEPS!

Cut to alleyway

Rick There she is. All right. Come on, Morty. Let's go.

Morty Oh, geez, okay. Rick and Morty go through the portal and end up in a crazy alternate dimension.

Morty Oh, man, Rick. What is this place?

Rick It's Dimension 35-C, and it's got the perfect climate conditions for a special type of tree, Morty, called a Mega Tree, and there's fruit in those trees, and there's seeds in those fruits. I'm talking about Mega Seeds. They're they're incredibly powerful, and I need them to help me with my research, Morty.

Morty Oh, man, Rick. I'm looking around this place, and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing.

Rick All right, all right, calm down. Listen to me, Morty. I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations. I deal with them all the time. Now, if you just stick with me, Morty, we're gonna be— a gigantic alien monster suddenly appears behind them.

Rick HOLY CRAP, MORTY RUN!!! they take off, running in complete and total fear as the monster chases them.

Rick I never seen that thing before in my life. I don't even know what the hell it is! We got to get out of here, Morty! It's gonna kill us! We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Morty!

Cut to black

Rick having apparently escaped, they are walking through Dimension 35-C, continuing their adventure.

Oh, Morty, take a deep breath. Breathe that breathe that fresh air in, Morty. Y-you smell that? That's the smell of adventure, Morty. That's that's the smell of-of-of-of a whole different evolutionary timeline.

Morty All right, Rick, look how much longer is this gonna be? Shouldn't I be back at school by now?

Rick Are you joking me? I mean, look at all the crazy crap surrounding us. Look at that thing right there. a weird looking monster is seen cooing and rolling around on the ground) What the hell is that thing? You think you're gonna see that kind of thing at school? (offscreen) Look at it just lumbering around. (onscreen.

It defies all logic, that thing.

Morty Yeah, Rick, I get it. We're surrounded by monsters. That's kind of the reason why I want to leave. they come up to a cliff and Rick stops him there.

Rick Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. Morty, you see this? he and Morty are looking down upon a vast forest of interdimensional trees.

Rick You see what we just stumbled upon, Morty? Any idea what that is down there?

Morty The mega trees?

Rick That's right, Morty the mega trees with the mega fruit on them and that's what I'm talking about, Morty. That's where my seeds are. If we would have done what you wanted, I would have never have found them, because you're so in love with school.

Morty All right, all right. So, what's so special about these seeds, anyways?

Rick You ask a lot of questions, Morty. Not very charismatic. It makes you kind of an burps) under- (burps) underfoot figure. (Rick gives Morty a pair of shoes and Morty proceeds to put them on.

Rick Just take these shoes, Morty. They're burps. special grappling shoes. When you're wearing these things, these babies, you can basically just walk on any surface you want, Morty up, down, below, turn around to the left. These things really bring it all together.

Morty walks off the cliff and plummets to the ground, screaming and smashing into rocks.

AAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!

Rick You have to turn them on, Morty! The shoes have to be turned on!

Cut to hospital

Beth I am not putting my father in a home! He just came back into my life, and you want to grab him and stuff him under a mattress like last month's Victoria's Secret?

Jerry I told you I was ordering you something for Valentine's Day. More importantly, your father is a horrible influence on our son.

Davin Everything cool in here, Beth?

Beth It's fine, Davin.

Davin Okay, cool. You know, we did something great today. There's nothing more noble and free than the heart of a horse. Jerry closes the door on Davin.

Jerry Since we're fighting, if you ever have an affair with that guy, I will come to the hotel room and blow my brains out all over your naked bodies.

Beth Look, I appreciate the stress you're under, but Morty was having trouble in school way before my dad moved in, and the only influence I can see Rick having is that, for the first time in his life, Morty has a friend. the phone starts ringing.

Jerry sighs. Well, maybe you're right.

Beth Uh, yeah, maybe I am. I'm my father's daughter. I'm smart. Why do you think I'm a heart surgeon?

Jerry coughs) Ahem, Horse heart surgeon. (Beth answers the phone and gets a call from Morty's principal, Gene Vagina.

Principal Vagina Hello? Mrs. Smith? This is Principal Vagina, no relation. I wonder if you and Morty's father might be able to have a chat with me this afternoon?

Cut to Dimension 35-C

Rick standing by Morty, who is lying on the ground with his legs broken) Morty, oh, you really d-did a number on (offscreen) your legs right now. You know, you got to turn (onscreen.

the shoes on, Morty, for them to work. Yeah, look I turned mine on. I had no problem getting down here. It was a leisurely breeze.

Morty I'm in a lot of pain, Rick!

Rick Yeah, I can see that. But do you think you'll still be able to help me collect my seeds, Morty?

Morty Are you kidding me?! That's it, Rick! That's the last straw! I can't believe this! I'm sitting here with both of my legs broken, and you're still asking me about getting those seeds?! Ooh! Ow! Oh! Y-y-you're a monster. Y-you're like Hitler, but-but even Hitler cared about Germany or something.

Rick Okay, hold on just a second, Morty. opens another portal and leaves Morty behind, lying on the ground to suffer for a few seconds.

Morty Ooh! Ohh! Ooh! Hnngh! Hoo! Ooh! Ohh! Aaaaagh! Oooooh! Rick finally returns and injects Morty's legs with medicine, healing them to perfection.

Morty Ooh, Ohh, Ooh. Wow, Rick. That stuff just healed my broken legs instantly. I mean, I've never felt so good in my life. Thank you.

Rick Don't worry about it, Morty. Just come help me get these seeds, all right, buddy?

Morty Sure thing, Rick. goes up the tree and gets the Mega Fruit while Rick talks to him.

Rick Not that you asked, Morty, but what just happened there is I went into a future dimension with such advanced medicine that they had broken-leg serum at every corner drugstore. offscreen. The stuff was all over the place, Morty.

Morty Wow, that's pretty crazy, Rick.

Rick There's just one problem, Morty one little hang-up. The dimension I visited was so advanced, that burps) they had also halted the aging process, and everyone there was young, Morty, and they had been forever. I was the only old person there, Morty. (burps.

It was like I was some sort of, you know, celebrity, walking around. I-I was fascinating to them. There were a lot of attractive women there, Morty, and they-they-they— they all wanted time with me. I had a lot of fun with a lot of young ladies, but I spent so much time there, my interdimensional portal device it's got no charge left, Morty. It's got no charge left.

Morty What?!

Rick It's as good as garbage, Morty. It's not gonna work anymore, Morty.

Morty Oh, geez, Rick, that's not good. W-what are we gonna do? I-I have to be back at school right now. How are we gonna get back home?

Rick There's ways to get back home, Morty. It's just it's just gonna be a little bit of a hassle. We're gonna have to go through interdimensional customs, so you're gonna have to do me a real solid.

Morty Uh-oh.

Rick When we get to customs, I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom, and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Morty.

Morty In my butt?

Rick Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit.

Morty Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that.

Rick Well, somebody's got to do it, Morty. Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Morty

Morty Uuuh.

Rick And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Morty. I mean, you're young. Y-y-you've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for grandpa, Morty. Y- burps. you've got to put these seeds inside your butt.

Morty In my butt?

Rick Come on, Morty. Please, Morty. You have to do it, Morty.

Morty Oh, man.

Cut to high school

Principal Vagina The fact is, your son, Morty, has attended this school for a total of seven hours over the last two months.

Beth What? Why didn't you notify us?

Principal Vagina I done been notifying you. Have you not been getting the messages I've been leaving with Morty's grandfather?

Jerry Boom! Told you! In your face! He is ruining our child! Wait, what am I celebrating?

Principal Vagina Yeah, see, I thought something was fishy there, because it's usually Morty's grandpa that's taking him out of school. they stop to see Summer and some other students, crying at an obituary for Frank.

Beth Summer?

Summer sobs. What kind of God lets this happen?

Principal Vagina We had a little incident. A student was frozen to death. chuckles. And there's no evidence that a Latino student did it! Everyone wants to take this to a racial place. I won't let them.

Cut to Intergalactic Customs

Announcer The glarp zone is for flarping and unglarping only.

Alien So, I told him, "give me the blimfarx," you know? This-this guy he doesn't understand interstellar currency.

Alien It's, like, I'm trying to eat a flimflam like, that's what we eat on Girvonesk.

Announcer The glarp zone is for flarping and unglarping only.

Rick Morty comes up to him, who is waiting in line to get through security.

I don't like it here, Morty. I can't abide bureaucracy. I don't like being told where to go and what to do. I consider it a violation. Did you get those seeds all the way up your butt?

Morty Yeah, Rick. Let's just get this over with, okay? I mean, these things are pointy. They hurt.

Rick That means they're good ones. You're a good kid, Morty. Those mega seeds are super valuable to my work. You've been a huge help to me. I'm gonna be able to do a-

burps) all kind of things with them. It's gonna be great, Morty. A- (burps) all kinds of science. (aliens are going through security with a Gromflomite, letting them through.

Gromflomite Okay, next through. stops Morty. Except you. You go over there.

Rick Why does he have to go over there?

Gromflomite Random check. He's got to go through the new machine.

Rick What new- burps. what new machine?

Gromflomite It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt.

Rick Run, Morty! Run! grabs Morty and they run through security and dart for the exit.

Morty Aaaaaah!

Gromfomite Red alert! team of Gromflomites starts chasing after Rick and Morty.

Morty Ohhhhh! Rick pushes over a giant capsule, with an alien fetus over, smashing some Gromflomites, to slow them down.

Morty Ohhhhhh! an alien is seen smoking a hookah and Morty runs past him and accidentally inhales the smoke from the hookah while Rick comes from behind and slaps the alien in the face, causing the alien to cry; he then coughs up a life form from the smoke and the lifeform starts running through the glarp zone and goes through the entire aging process from developing fetus to decomposing corpse, over the course of three seconds.

Morty Aaaaah!

Rick Don't think about it! he and Morty are cornered but Morty activates the grappling shoes and runs up the wall with Rick.

Rick Ooh! Oh, nice, Morty! The student becomes the teacher. the Gromflomites reveal that they can fly and then Rick and Morty start running away.

Morty Whoooooo! he and Rick run through the equipment on the ceiling, before they slip off to the ground.

Alien Aah! Aw, hell, no, dawg. You know me I'm just trying to— Rick and Morty crash to the ground and he dies; they then run to the portal computer.

Rick I need to type in the coordinates to our home world, Morty. Cover me. he tosses Morty a gun.

Morty Oh, man. I mean, you know, I-I don't want to shoot nobody.

Rick They're just robots, Morty! It's okay to shoot them! They're robots! Morty shoots a Glenn, blowing his leg off, and making blood gush out as he drops down in pain.

Glenn Aaaaah! My leg is shot off!

Other Gromflomite Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children!

Morty They're not robots, Rick!

Rick It's a figure of speech, Morty. They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them. Just keep shooting, Morty. You have no idea what prison is like here! Morty continues shooting the Gromflomites and even kills some innocent bystanders while Rick hacks into the portal to take them back home.

Morty Holy crap! This is insane! Rick opens the portal and takes Morty in with him.

Rick Come on, Morty! We got to get the hell out of here! the portal opens up in the lunchroom at school and Rick and Morty land on the table where Jessica and her friends are eating.

Jessica Wow. Did you just come into the cafeteria through a portal?

Morty Uh, yeah. Well, you know, my-my Ferrari's in the shop. nervously laughs.

Just kidding.

Jessica You're Morty, right?

Morty Yeah. Rick grabs Morty and takes him way.

Rick You can get his number later. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here. You got to get those seeds out of your ass. Rick and Morty are stopped by Jerry, Beth, and Principal Vagina.

Jerry Oh, look, honey. It's our son with Albert Ein-douche.

Beth What?

Jerry I'm an angry father, not an improviser.

Rick Oh, hi, Jerry. Oh, my goodness, Morty! What are you doing out of class? We talked about this. Your-your parents and I are very disappointed in-in this behavior... No? No takers? Rick and Morty are back at home in the garage while Jerry and Beth start taking all his things and packing them up so he can move to the nursing home.

Rick You guys should really not be touching that stuff. It's beyond your reasoning.

Jerry You're beyond our reasoning!

Rick Takes one to know one.

Beth Dad, how could you make my son miss an entire semester of school? I mean, it's not like he's a hot girl. He can't just bail on his life and set up shop in someone else's.

Rick What what are you guys doing with my stuff?

Beth We're moving you to a nursing home.

Rick A nursing home? What are what are you, nuts? I'm a genius. I build robots for fun.

Jerry Well, now you can build baskets and watch Paul Newman movies on VHS and mentally scar the Boy Scouts every Christmas.

Beth What does that mean?

Jerry It's personal.

Morty Dad, mom, come on. Rick just needed my help is all.

Jerry Morty, stay out of this. You are obviously not capable of judging these situations on your own.

Rick What are you trying to say about Morty? That he's stupid or something?

Beth Oh, don't high-road us, dad. You know fully well that Morty is the last child that needs to be missing classes.

Rick I-I-I don't know what you mean by that. Can can can you be a little bit more specific?

Jerry Oh, for crying out—he's got some kind of disability or something. Is that what you want us to say?

Morty I do?

Jerry Well, duh doy, son. Look, I love you, Morty, but we both know you're not as fast as the other kids, and if you want to compete in this world, you got to work twice as hard.

Morty Aw, geez, dad. Y-you know, that's a lot to drop on a kid all at once.

Rick Morty, t-tell your parents the square root of pi.

Morty Oh, come on, Rick. You know I can't.

Rick The square root of Pi, Morty. Go!

Morty 1.77245385... Whoa!

Beth What the hell?

Jerry checks Morty's answer with calculator. Holy crap. He's right.

Rick Morty, tell your parents the first law of Thermodynamics.

Morty "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart!

Jerry But—

Rick I told the both of you school is stupid. It's not how you learn things. Morty's a gifted child. He has a special mind. That's why he's my little helper. He's like me. He's gonna be doing great science stuff later in his life. He's too smart for school. He needs to keep hanging out and helping me.

Beth Jerry, I don't want whatever's happening here to stop.

Jerry No, I-I understand. Uh, maybe we overreacted. But he has to keep going to school.

Rick Okay, Jerry. You drive a hard bargain, but what am I supposed to do? Say no? You-you really wear the pants around here. I just want you to know, between us, from now on, it's gonna be clear communication. Summer butts in, crying over the death of Frank.

Summer crying. Frank Palicky was frozen to death today!

Rick No idea what you're talking about. Summer leaves, crying.

Jerry Okay. Well, uh, Morty, it's your bedtime in an hour. Don't stay up all night again. This is good, though. This can work. I think we can be a family and now, Beth, if you'll have me, I would love to have you.

Beth You know what? Okay. she and Jerry leave.

Morty Holy cow, Rick. I didn't know hanging out with you was making me smarter.

Rick Full disclosure, Morty it's not. Temporary superintelligence is just a side effect of the mega seeds dissolving in your rectal cavity.

Morty Aw, man.

Rick Yeah, and once those seeds wear off, you're gonna lose most of your motor skills, and you're also gonna lose a significant amount of brain functionality for 72 hours, Morty. Starting right about now.

Morty Ohh, man. losing consciousness) Oh, geez! Ohh. (drops to the ground and starts moaning as he has a seizure.

Rick I'm sorry, Morty. It's a bummer. In reality, you're as dumb as they come and I needed those seeds real bad, and I had to give them up just to get your parents off my back, so now we're gonna have to go get more adventures. excitedly looks down upon him, telling him about their future adventures.

And then we're gonna go on even more adventures after that, Morty and you're gonna keep your mouth shut about it, Morty, because the world is full of idiots that don't understand what's important, and they'll tear us apart, Morty but if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things, Morty, and you're gonna be part of them, and together, we're gonna run around, Morty. We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Morty. Just you and me, Morty. The outside world is our enemy, Morty. We're the only friends we've got, Morty. It's just Rick and Morty. Rick and Morty and their adventures, Morty. Rick and Morty forever and forever. Morty's things. Me and Rick and Morty running around, and Rick and Morty time. All day long, forever. All a hundred days. Rick and Morty forever 100 times. Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. All 100 years. Every minute, rickandmorty.com.

Cut to black

Anatomy Park

Author(s): Justin Roiland

Transcriber/Editor(s): A. Hall

Date Aired: 2015-09-03

Reference Name(s): Jurassic Park

Reference Date(s): 1993

Open Ext. Smith residence Outside, there is snow on the ground. The Smith house is decorated for Christmas, and Jerry can be heard singing Last King Christmas.

Jerry singing Last King Christmas last arrived!

Trans Int. Kitchen The kitchen is a mess of food in various stages of preparation. Jerry pulls a ham out of the oven as he sings.

Jerry singing In the Christmas Christmas! stops singing and smells the ham Mmm... Jerry, you are really giving it to this ham.

Jerry enters the living room, where a tree stands with presents underneath it. Beth and Morty are occupied on tablets while Summer uses her smartphone.

Jerry Um, Merry Christmas? puts his hands on his hips Helloooo? My parents are coming over for the first time in years! Can we stow the gadgets and look alive?

Beth Alive? For your parents?

Jerry snags her tablet away and stows it in a stocking.

Jerry Good one.

Beth Hey man!

Jerry You 'hey man'! This holiday is about humanity.

Morty not looking up from his tablet You know, I thought it was about being born half-God or something.

Jerry Okay, whatever. All electronic items are going in the stocking. Now.

Morty hands over his tablet Ohhhh...

Summer Dad, I'm not giving you my phone.

Jerry Put it in the stocking, Summer, or I'm joining Facebook.

Summer gasps and drops her phone in the stocking.

Rick offscreen Ho ho ho, everybody.

Rick and Ruben enter the house and Jerry approaches them.

Jerry More like whoa whoa whoa. What is this? My parents are coming!

Rick Calm down Jerry, this is Ruben, an old friend.

Ruben Pearl Harbor.

Rick I check in on him once a year and give him a little burp medical burp evaluation.

Beth Aw, Dad... That is so sweet.

Jerry squinting suspiciously Yeah, it is... I don't get it.

Ruben Korea.

Rick Don't worry about your C-C-Christmas, Jerry. leads Ruben away Ruben and I'll be in my workshop while you have another day in Phil Collins' proverbial paradise.

Rick and Ruben head out to the garage.

Jerry Huh. You think you know a guy. The doorbell rings. Okay, there's my parents. Now remember, no TV, no phones, no laptops, we are connecting this Christmas, like old-school Jews on a Saturday. opens the door Hey hey!

Leonard and Joyce walk in.

Leonard Merry Christmas, son.

Jerry, not noticing Jacob, almost closes the door on him, then opens it back up.

Jerry Oh, hi. Can I help you?

Joyce Jerry, this is Jacob. takes Jacob by the arm Didn't you get our text message?

Beth, Summer, and Morty No.

Jacob You must be Jerry! That's a fine lookin' apron. William Sonoma?

Jerry smiling uncomfortably I wish... But thank you. closes the door So... you're a...friend of the family...?

Leonard puts an arm around Jacob's shoulders The way we see it, he's a part of the family.

Jerry Wow!

Joyce After your father's brush with cancer and losing your uncle, we looked at life and wondered how have we spent it? And how do we spend the rest of it? What are we going to be when we die? A list of fears and questions, or a collection of real experiences?

Beth Holy crap, Joyce. That's amazing.

Leonard Then Jacob came into our lives. We're learning to live again.

Jacob puts his arms around Joyce and Leonard.

Jacob All three of us.

Joyce, Leonard, and Jacob giggle. Jerry stares at them, confused and uncomfortable.

Jerry ...Cool... Eggnog?

Jacob Now we are talkin'! This man's got the apron and the eggnog, huh?

All laugh. Rick enters and starts laughing with the rest.

Rick Hi Joyce, Leonard. looks at Jacob Hello there.

Jacob Merry Christmas, man.

Rick Morty! A moment of your time?

Trans. Rick's garage Ruben is in fits, laid out on a ping-pong table. He's naked besides a towel over his genitals and his Santa hat.

Rick He's in bad shape, Morty.

Morty Aw geez, Rick! What did you do?

Rick Gee, thanks Morty. What kind of monster do you think I am? I-I'm sittin' here trying to save the guy's life! Rick straps a pack with a tube onto Morty's back and puts an earpiece on his head. I want you to find Dr. Xenon Bloom. He'll know what's goin' on.

Morty extremely nervous Uh... W-W-Where do I find Dr. Bloom?

Rick In Ruben. shoves a glass oxygen mask onto Morty's head

Morty Ruben... Minnesota?

Rick Ruben on the table, Morty! hooks up the backpack to the helmet Look, I-I don't have time for you to wrap your little walnut around everything. pulls a shrink ray into view and plugs it in Hold your breath until the process is over or your lungs will collapse.

Rick sets Morty under the shrink ray.

Morty W-What proc—

Rick activates the shrink ray and Morty shrieks as he's shrunk down to a microscopic size. Rick picks up the container Morty shrank into and puts it into a syringe, which he stabs into Ruben's chest. Just then, Beth enters the garage.

Beth Hey Dad, where's Morty?

Rick He's busy.

Trans. Int. Ruben's body Morty continues screaming as he is injected into the body in a stream of pink fluid. He lands on something soft and abruptly stops shouting.

Rick through Morty's earpiece Morty, can you hear me? Head North!

Morty Rick... Where am I?

Trans. Garage

Rick adjusts his own headset as he stands in the garage Depending on my aim, you should be just south of the entrance.

Morty through Rick's earpieceThe entrance to what?

Rick Welcome, Morty. The scene cuts back to Morty's view from inside Ruben. Welcome... Morty gasps. ...to Anatomy Park!

The view pans to show an amusement park with a large Anatomy Park sign and various attractions and exhibits.

Rick It's a little business venture I've been cookin' up on the side with Dr. Bloom. Morty enters the park. An amusement park inside a human body. Science isn't cheap, Morty. This should really help put a dent in the overhead.

Morty Oh my God! This is insane! Spleen Mountain? Bladder Falls? Pirates of the Pancreas?

Rick You got a problem with that last one, Morty?

Morty Huh? No, no, I'm just reading them out loud in the order I'm seeing them.

Rick Okay, alright, if I sounded a little defensive, it's because Pirates of the Pancreas was my baby.

Trans. Garage

Rick I-I got a lot of push-back when I pitched it, Morty. I guess I'm still a little defensive. Let's just find Dr. Bloom, alright? I-I'm picking up a distress signal in the liver, Morty.

Trans. Anatomy Park.

Rick Proceed to the liver.

Following a sign posting directions, Morty hurries off in the direction of the 'Haunted Liver,' taking a shuttle to 'Lower Abdomenland'.

Automated voice Arriving at 'Liver'.

Morty stumbles forward and hits his helmet on the window Ow!

Automated voice Mind the gap.

Morty exits the train and enters a dark, unkempt area with flickering lights.

Morty It's really scary in here, Rick.

Rick Liver's under maintenance. Ruben's seen some rough years, Morty. Don't judge. You don't agree to have a theme park built inside you if your life's going great.

Trans. Int. Haunted Liver Morty enters a haunted house-style attraction. An animatronic wolf suddenly springs up behind him.

Morty OOOOHHH! Rick, it's a monster!

Rick No no, Morty. The only monster here is alco— belch —holism. The wolf is mechanically pulled back into the wall. That is an animatronic werewolf.

A hand reaches from around the corner and a large, muscular man with a thick accent grips Morty by the throat, lifting him up and pinning him to the wall with his forearm.

Poncho Who are you? Answer me! Where did you come from?

Morty Mmm! M-M-My-my-my Grandpa Rick sent me!

Dr. Bloom Poncho! That's quite enough.

Dr. Bloom walks into the room. He appears to be a blob of goo in a roughly human shape with glasses and a walking cane. Poncho glares, then reluctantly lets Morty fall to the ground.

Dr. Bloom Morty, that's Poncho. Another man and a girl walk into the room. This is Roger and Annie.

Morty staring sheepishly at Annie Oh...

Dr. Bloom And I am Dr. Xenon Bloom.

A speaker apparatus emerges from Morty's helmet. Rick speaks through it.

Rick Hey Bloom, it's Rick. What the hell's goin' on here?

Dr. Bloom I don't know why, but the entire security system has shut down. And I'm afraid the exhibits are unlocked.

Rick's speaker retreats into Morty's helmet.

Morty Exhibits?

Trans. Ext. Haunted Liver

Dr. Bloom Anatomy Park's greatest attraction, young man, isn't the music or the food or the Pirates of the Pancreas.

Rick Watch it.

Dr. Bloom It is first and foremost a living museum of humanity's most noble and ferocious diseases.

Morty Diseases?!

There's a distant roaring noise.

Poncho Hey Doc, I have news for ya. Hepatitis A lumbers towards the group. Your living museum is officially a wild safari!

Poncho begins shooting at Hepatitis A.

Roger Hepatitis A! Run!

The entire group screams and flees. Trans. Dining room The Smith family, sans Rick and Morty, are seated for dinner with Joyce, Leonard, and Jacob.

Jacob Oh... leans over and wipes some food from Joyce's mouth with a napkin The food goes in your mouth, girl!

All laugh, but Jerry's laugh is forced.

Jerry Aha... I'm sorry Jacob, I guess I'm still confused about the precise nature and origin of your relationship with my parents. Are you like a—Are you like their caretaker? Is that what it is?

Joyce We can go into detail later, son.

Leonard Now wait, there, there's no point to secrecy. Let's all live and die honestly. Your mother and I have shared forty years of each other, mind, body, and soul. Jerry and Jacob smile at each other, but when Jacob looks away, Jerry's smile becomes a glare. And when minds and souls are joined for eternity, and when eternity is at the door, it's an invitation to let go of the body, and an opportunity to share and experiment.

Jerry Dad, please, what are you saying?

Beth Whatever it is, it's beautiful Leonard. glares at Jerry And we support you.

Jerry Speak for yourself! Because it, heheh, it sounds like you're about to say Jacob is your lover.

Leonard No no no no no no. Jerry sighs in relief. Jacob is your mother's lover. Jerry again looks disturbed. I watch them. Sometimes from a chair, sometimes from a closet. Almost always dressed as Superman.

Joyce kisses Leonard's cheek and the two hold hands, looking at each other fondly.

Jacob Oh... reaches across the table and puts a hand atop theirs

Summer and Beth smile. Jerry stares, at a loss for words.

Jacob Jerry, this ham's got to be all you, right? It's in-cred-i-ble.

Summer smirks Happy human holiday, Dad.

Jerry appears more despondent than ever. Trans. Anatomy Park Poncho continues shooting at Hepatitis A.

Poncho AHHHHHH!

The whole group rushes through a door before entering a code and shutting it.

Dr. Bloom Hepatitis won't follow us into the respiratory system!

They enter to a set of doors under a sign reading 'Alveoli Forest'. Roger examines a meter near the door.

Roger That's strange... taps the meter Air flow is down twenty percent.

Dr. Bloom So the brain isn't getting enough oxygen. That's why security is offline.

Morty W-Well, I guess we better check it out.

The group passes through the doors. As the doors are closing, Alexander, dressed in a dog mascot costume, rushes up and passes through.

Alexander Hey, wait for me! removes the head of his costume

Dr. Bloom points his cane at Alexander Put that back on!

Alexander pauses a moment before putting the dog head back on. The whole group examines the area.

Roger If we got up to the bronchial catwalk, we could look for blockage.

Morty raises his hand I'll go. glances at Annie Heheh...

Morty jumps onto one of the bouncy, round alveoli and clings to it.

Poncho Don't be a hero, kid.

Morty I'm not. I'm doin' it because it's fun. he hops from frond to frond

Poncho cocks his gun We shouldn't be here.

Dr. Bloom Whatever you do, don't fire that thing in here! We must save Ruben. This is my life's work.

Annie touches a growth of bacteria on some tar, which squelches, causing her to gasp in fear and recoil.

Annie Ah!

Dr. Bloom It's alright, my dear. Nearly all human lungs contain a strain of this bacteria, but the scar tissue... prods it with his cane, seeing something has escaped from the scar tissue ...keeps them dormant. looks up toward Morty, who is getting close to the catwalk Morty! Get down!

Morty Whoa! grabs hold of the catwalk as a fluid drips down onto it Whoa!

Tuberculosis begins crawling towards him. He lets go of the catwalk and bounces back down to the group, pursued by the disease.

Morty Oh! What are those things?!

Dr. Bloom Tuberculosis, coming in fast!

Poncho raises gun and starts shooting at the disease Not faster than a bullet! Ahh!

Dr. Bloom grabs Poncho's arm No! Do you know what you've done?!

Trans. Garage Ruben coughs. Trans. Lungs The force of the cough lifts the whole group off the ground, then they fall back down.

Dr. Bloom Get to the digestive tract! He's coughing!

The group starts running. Trans. Garage Ruben coughs several times again. Trans. Lungs The group all manages to push through besides Alexander. Morty rushes back to help him as his dog mask is blown from his face. Morty grabs a frond and reaches for Alexander's hand.

Alexander Waaaah! Don't let me die!

Trans. Garage Rick looks down over Ruben's mouth.

Rick Just take a deep breath, Ruben.

Ruben inhales deeply. Trans. Lungs

Morty You're not gonna die! What's your name?

Alexander My name is... his hand slips from Morty's and he's coughed up ALEXANDEEEEEEEER!

Alexander's skin and soft tissue are peeled off as Ruben coughs into Rick's face, getting some spittle, including Alexander, on Rick's forehead. The group, minus the now-dead Alexander, escape the respiratory system. Morty presses the speaker on his helmet.

Morty Rick! Ruben's got tuberculosis!

Trans. Garage

Rick Oh, great work, Morty. pulls a massive syringe form his lab coat I'll just cure it, and then—

Ruben's heart monitor flatlines. Rick tosses the syringe over his shoulder.

Rick Okay. Well I can't cure death. This is bad, Morty. You're trapped in a dead man. Listen, if the situation keeps darkening, do yourself a favor—

Trans. Anatomy Park

Rick —and hop by Pirates of the Pancreas. Obviously I'm biased, but, I think it's great, Morty.

Trans. Garage

Rick sitting in a lounge chair, pulls out a flask It's a bunch of pirates runnin' around a-a-a- pancreas. We don't whitewash it either, Morty. The pirates are really rapey. The top priority is to get you guys out of there, but I'm just saying, if that becomes impossible—

Trans. Anatomy Park The group listens to Rick, all looking glum.

Rick —please, you gotta treat yourself.

The group is headed to the digestive tract.

Morty Geez, what's that horrible smell?

Dr. Bloom You mean the Panda Express? chuckles Kidding, I-I'm kidding. As he speaks, Poncho and Roger stock up on bottled water from the Panda Express. The body is beginning to constrict and fill with gas. We're inside a corpse, my boy. Anatomy Park is doomed.

Morty Forget about the park, Doctor! How do we get out?!

Dr. Bloom The digestive tract is the evacuation route. Get it? There's an emergency station in the colon with a ray that can enlarge us all.

Morty Everybody! Get to the colon!

Poncho Now I'm takin' orders from a twelve-year-old boy?!

As they walk, Dr. Bloom speaks privately with Morty.

Dr. Bloom Morty. The scar sacs containing the tuberculosis were sabotaged. This disaster was an inside job. Keep your eyes on Annie. She was written up several times by her manager at the churro stand.

Roger Intestines are ahead to the left. Then the right. Then left. Et cetera.

Morty slows to walk beside Annie.

Morty Hey, just so you know, I-I'm actually fourteen. So, you know...

Annie What?

Morty Not twelve.

Annie Okay.

Morty Because he just said I was twelve.

Annie Oh. Good for you.

She walks ahead of him.

Rick through speakerOh. Oh, Morty. Strike one.

Morty slumps forward Nnn...

Trans. Small intestine The group travel down the small intestine in a raft, surrounded by animatronics singing 'It's a Small, Small Intestine.'

Animatronics singing It's a road of laughter, a trail of food. It's a pathway that breaks up the fat in food. It's a tube in the chest and it sends out the rest. It's a small, small intestine!

Roger It goes on like this for miles...

Dr. Bloom excitedly And then we get to the large intestine!

A low rumbling can be heard.

Poncho Shh. shines flashlight I hear something.

Gonorrhea rises up from the river of waste.

Dr. Bloom whispers Don't move. Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move.

Gonorrhea roars viciously and moves towards them.

Dr. Bloom Wait! I was wrong! I was thinking of a T-rex.

Poncho pulls out a gun, but before he can fire, Gonorrhea capsizes the boat and they all fall overboard. They swim to the 'shore' on the side of the intestine.

Annie We're sitting ducks!

Morty Doc! Didn't you say the body was filling up with gas?

Dr. Bloom Yes. Why?

Poncho Kid! You're a genius! pulls out a match

Dr. Bloom Are you mad?!

Morty grabs Annie's hand Everybody! In here!

They all rush into a cavity in the intestinal lining. Poncho lights the match.

Poncho Hey Gonorrhea! How's this for a burning sensation?

He throws the match towards the disease, where it ignites the gas and causes an explosion. Gonorrhea falls down, dead. Annie hugs Morty, who laughs. Trans. Smith family living room Leonard, Summer, Joyce, Jacob, Beth, and Jerry sit in a semicircle on the carpet. Jerry scowls and slumps. Leonard is playing a set of bongos while Summer sings.

Summer singing Drummer, drum, drum, drum! Drummer, drum, drum drum drum, Christmas drums!

Leonard Oh, Summer. Sing it! Haha.

Summer Christmas drums being played by a boy!

Beth is clapping along when she notices Jerry sulking. She puts an arm around him.

Beth Jerry, come on. This is what you wanted.

Jerry I get it, Beth. Be careful what you wish for. I'm being punished for taking your iPad.

Beth What? Jerry, let that stuff go, okay? I'm sorry I was a bitch earlier. Let's just be here.

Ethan walks up to the sliding glass doors and lets himself into the house.

Ethan Ugh... Summer!

Summer stands up Ethan, what are you doing here?

Ethan I've been texting you for hours. What the hell?!

Summer I don't have my phone! I'm doing a human holiday!

Ethan Did you even consider how that might make me feel?

Summer How you feel? Why is everything always happening to you?!

Jerry stands up Summer, do you have a boyfriend?

Ethan Yeah, do you, Summer?

Summer I don't know Ethan, do I?

Jacob stands up and puts a hand on Ethan and Summer's shoulders Jerry, no disrespect, but you really need to connect more with your family, man.

Jerry stares at him, flabbergasted. Trans. Anatomy Park The group runs through another metal security door and hurry down a platform to a growth ray.

Roger I should be able to access the backup generator to get the growth ray back online. If it works, we'll be regular-sized in a few minutes. I just hope Ruben's not in a room with white carpets or upholstery.

Something roars in the distance, causing the area to rumble.

Poncho What the hell is that?

Dr. Bloom The sphincter dam. We built it when Ruben became incontinent, but it was not designed to hold a corpse-load.

The dam is clearly close to giving way. Roger keeps working to get the growth ray active.

Roger Almost got it. Everybody, move inside the circle!

Morty notices a strange, black creature in Poncho's backpack.

Morty Poncho? What is this in your backpack?

Poncho turns around to face Morty, giving Dr. Bloom a view of the creature.

Dr. Bloom That's bubonic plague! What are you doing with that, Poncho?

Poncho grabs hold of Annie and holds a knife to her throat. Annie gasps and tries to kick free.

Poncho Everybody get back!

Dr. Bloom Poncho, you son of a bitch! You released the tuberculosis so you could steal from me?

Poncho laughs That's right, baby. A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population. I'll take the highest bidder. Al Quaeda. North Korea. Republicans! Shriners! Balding men that work out! People on the Internet that are only turned on by cartoons of Japanese teenagers! Anything is better than working for you! points the knife at Dr. Bloom You pompous, negligent, iTunes Gift Card as a holiday bonus-giving—

Morty AHHHHH!!!

Morty leaps up and grabs onto Poncho's helmet, allowing Annie to escape. He punches Poncho repeatedly before Poncho pulls him off his face and throws him to the ground, where Roger helps him up. Poncho laughs evilly, but stops short when Bubonic Plague bites his shoulder.

Poncho Ah! Eh! Get! Get off! he backs up and falls over the railing Ahhhh!

The four remaining look over the edge as he falls to his death. Just then, the sphincter dam begins groaning, almost giving way.

Annie You guys!

Roger It's gonna burst! urges the others on Go! Go, go, go! pulls a lever before trying to run after the others but catches his foot in some of the machinery My foot is stuck!

Morty holds Annie back as she makes to help Roger.

Annie No!

Roger This is okay! It's okay, just go! Tell my family I love them! They may be hard to find because my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it too, so, I dunno, you can—

Just then, the dam bursts, drowning Roger in Ruben's excrement.

Annie No!

Dr. Bloom seals the door to the chamber and Annie hugs Morty, distraught and crying. Trans. Smith family living room Leonard, Joyce, and Beth sit on the chair and sofa, Jerry and Summer stand, and Jacob kneels with Ethan in the center of the room.

Jacob Let me ask you something Ethan. Where's the anger coming from, man?

Ethan From Summer being a total bitch!

Jacob takes hold of Ethan's cheeks and forces him to make eye contact.

Jacob Where's the anger coming from?

Ethan ...My brother... took me fishing once...in the bushes... voice begins choking up as tears fill his eyes I can't... I can't! covers his eyes as he starts to cry He made me feel like a girl! sobbing openly I'm... m-made me a girl!

Jacob helps Ethan up to his feet.

Jacob He didn't make you anything, man. You are who you are. gestures to Summer She is who she is. Summer watches on with a sympathetic expression. Now you go to her. Brand new.

Ethan walks over to Summer.

Ethan Come here right now!

Summer Oh my god, I'm so sorry Ethan! they hug I love you!

Ethan I love you so much.

The two begin making out. Everyone claps besides Jerry.

Jerry Um...

Joyce You did it again, cubby. Come here.

Joyce and Jacob begin to kiss. Jerry looks to the easy chair to see Leonard has gotten up and is backing into the closet, unbuttoning his shirt to reveal a Superman costume underneath.

Jerry No! Stop! I hate this!

Beth, Joyce, and Jacob glare at him.

Joyce Well, Christmas doesn't revolve around what you hate, son.

Jerry Well then, I hate Christmas! Enjoy being human! You guys are gross and lame.

He walks out. Summer and Ethan and Joyce and Jacob continue kissing. Trans. Anatomy Park The three survivors are in a small theater where an animatronic Ruben gives a presentation. Morty and Annie have their helmets off and are making out, and Dr. Bloom sits a few seats away eating ice cream.

Animatronic Ruben My name's Ruben Ridley. You're inside me right now, but by the end of this journey, I'll be inside all of you.

Dr. Bloom appears to miss every other bite of ice cream, probably due to his semi-aqueous form.

Animatronic Ruben My story begins in the dot com crash in the early '90s.

The animatronic sparks, then goes limp.

Annie whispering to Morty You can put your fingers wherever you want...

Rick through speakerMorty, you wanna put it on mute or something? Annie and Morty both look at Morty's helmet, startled.

Trans. Garage Rick is working on a computer, still talking to Morty through his headset.

Rick I'm trying to concentrate.

Jerry wanders to the door.

Jerry Ah, Rick?

Rick holds up a hand without even looking over at him Not now, Jerry. I've got much, much smaller fish to fry.

Jerry enters anyway I wanted to say I'm sorry I ever judged you. leans on the ping pong table, looking down at Ruben's corpse Right now, you're my sanest relative.

Rick, who had been typing away, suddenly pauses.

Rick Relative... That's it! Relative size! Jerry, hand me a scalpel and a bundle of dynamite! into his headset Morty! Can you get to the left nipple?

Trans. Anatomy Park Annie is in Morty's lap.

Morty Are you kidding? I'm hoping I can get to both of them, Rick.

Rick through speakerMorty, I'm talkin' about Ruben's left nipple!

The area begins to rumble and cave in. Morty lifts Annie off his lap and both put on their helmets.

Morty We need to get to the left nipple!

Dr. Bloom The body is decaying! Bits of debris begin to fall from the 'ceiling'. The arterial transit system is useless! We can try the service shuttle. It's connected to the skeletal system. That's why we call it the Bone Train. to Annie Would you like to ride the Bone Train, miss?

Annie If it'll get us out of here.

Dr. Bloom How about you, Morty? Would you like to ride the Bone Train?

Morty Why are you doing this bit? We're gonna die. Let's go.

Trans. Garage Jerry looks on as Rick inserts a bundle of dynamite into an incision on Ruben's abdomen. He takes a few steps back toward the door back to the house.

Jerry Well, I can see that you're busy... Merry Christmas, Rick.

Rick lifts Ruben's corpse from the table and heads out to the car, dumping Ruben's body inside. Trans. Anatomy Park: the Bone Train

Dr. Bloom There's no autopilot. One of us will have to stay here and operate it manually.

Morty and Annie glance at each other, then look back at Dr. Bloom. Dr. Bloom glances at each of the teenagers. Morty and Annie continue staring at him.

Morty ...Uh, well...

Dr. Bloom No, you're right. It was a dick move for me to even pause like that. This is all my fault. You go on.

Something approaches the group from a nearby set of stairs.

Annie points What the hell is that?

Dr. Bloom E. coli outbreak. Hurry!

Morty and Annie jump into the shuttle as E. coli swarm the area. Dr. Bloom pulls a lever and the shuttle begins to move.

Dr. Bloom Oh wait, there is an autopilot. E. coli surround him. WAAAIT! ...OKAY, NEVER MIND, I WANTED TO SACRIFICE MYSELF ANYWAAAAAYYYY!

As the train speeds down the track, some of the E. coli have attached themselves to the vehicle. One smashes the window of the train door and sticks its head inside.

Annie They're chewing through the doors!

Morty Euuuugh! grabs a fire extinguisher and beats the E. coli off the train with it We're in the areola, Rick! Almost to the nipple! But we're also in a really bad situation!

Trans. Earth's orbit Rick flies his spacecraft out of Earth's atmosphere.

Rick I'm almost there, Morty!

Rick lights the end of the dynamite bundle in Ruben's abdomen, kicks him out into space, and uses a growth ray to increase Ruben to an enormous size—large enough to make Morty and Annie their normal sizes again, but still inside him. Trans. Earth Various people across America stop what they're doing and look at the sky as Ruben's huge, naked corpse hovers overhead.

Reporter Reports are coming in from across the country about what appears to be a giant naked man over the continental United States. We now go to Tom Randolph in New York. Tom?

As Tom speaks, Ruben's terrifyingly enormous face floats overhead.

Tom Well, his eyes aren't twinkling, and his dimples aren't merry, but I'm standing under a nose like a seventy-mile cherry!

Reporter Thank you, Tom. Let's go now to Eric McMan in Los Angeles.

Ruben's poorly kept toes hover in the background while Eric speaks.

Eric We've got feet here on the West Coast, Bill! Giant feet, even relative to the giant man's size! And you know what they say about that!

Reporter Well, if the old adage is true, one can only wonder what is going down in the Rocky Mountains.

Trans. Rocky Mountains A lumberjack pauses while hacking down a tree, looks up, screams, and runs away. Trans. Earth's orbit Rick flies his ship toward the nipple. Trans. Bone Train E. coli continue trying to break in, with Morty beating them away with a fire extinguisher. Running up to the front of the train, he and Annie see that Hepatitis A is has damaged the track.

Morty Oh my god, the track!

Annie It's Hepatitis A!

As Morty tries to slow the train down, it flies off the track and straight through some of Ruben's soft tissue, bursting into the nipple. The train hits a bump, throwing Morty and Annie out. They look up and gasp.

Annie The nipple hole...

Through the nipple hole, they're able to see Earth as the sun peeks over the horizon.

Morty It's beautiful...

Suddenly, there's a crash behind them. Hepatitis A bursts out from the train wreckage and lumbers towards Morty and Annie.

Annie Aw no!

The two run, and just as Hepatitis A is about to catch them, Hepatitis C snatches it up and shakes it like felled prey.

Annie Whoa! It's Hepatitis C!

Hepatitis C gives them a thumbs-up before lumbering away with its kill in its mouth.

Morty Um... We... Did we have some sort of relationship with him?

Annie I... think they're just like that? I think they're just good guys.

Morty Oh. Huh.

Rick flies his spaceship into the nipple, landing it behind them. Morty and Annie climb inside.

Rick Where's Dr. Bloom?

Morty Sorry Rick... He's dead...

Rick Goddamn it, Morty, I ask you to do one thing!

Rick flies the spaceship out of the nipple and away from Ruben's corpse just before the dynamite ignites and the body explodes, sending blood and gore in all directions. Trans. Smith residence Joyce, Leonard, Jacob, Beth, Summer, and Ethan all bundle up to go sledding.

Beth Jerry doesn't know what he's missing.

Jacob He'll come around, Beth. Christmas is a special time. It has funny ways of bringing families together.

Beth I dunno, Jacob. Jerry got an invitation to be alive today, and he rejected it. I don't know if our marriage will—

Beth stops talking as blood starts splattering the sliding glass doors. The whole group stares in shock as blood seems to pour from the sky.

Summer It's raining blood!

Jacob Listen, find Jerry!

Beth Oh god.

Trans. Jerry's den Blood is raining on the window there as well. Jerry is sitting in a chair, watching the news, when the family bursts in.

Beth Jerry!

Jerry stands and hugs her It's alright! The TV says there's nothing to worry about.

Reporter on TV The giant naked sky Santa has exploded. Blood and chunks of viscera are raining down on the country. Everything should be fine.

Family sighs in relief.

Summer Dad, can I have my phone back?

Jerry Sure, sweetie. pulls out the stocking and gives Summer her phone, then gives Beth her tablet Everybody, take a device. It'll help you relax.

Jacob This is nice.

Jerry Yeah. puts an arm around Beth and Jacob I guess we really learned something this Christmas, Jacob.

Summer No we didn't, Dad. No we didn't.

Trans. Smith house It's no longer raining blood, but reddish chunks of Ruben are everywhere as Rick lands his spacecraft, parking it in the garage.

Rick Too bad about Dr. Bloom. Rick, Annie, and Morty exit the car He was a genius. The only man capable of creating a new Anatomy Park.

Annie Actually, I studied Dr. Bloom's work. I believe I have the knowledge necessary to create a new, much safer park!

Rick What about Pirates of the Pancreas...?

Annie I think it was one of the most underrated attractions.

Rick Booyah! Hold your breath!

Annie is already standing under the shrink ray as Rick pulls the lever, shrinking her down to microscopic size once again, much to Morty's chagrin.

Morty Hey, wh-wh- What the hell, Rick? What the hell, man? I liked her! I really had somethin' going there, Rick!

Rick pockets the container holding Annie.

Rick Yeah, so I heard. You dodged a bullet, Morty, trust me. whispers Puffy vagina.

Morty W-What's wrong with that? That doesn't sound like a problem to me! I dunno!

Rick C'mon. Let's get some stuffing, I'm starving.

Trans. Smith family living room Beth, Leonard, Summer, and Ethan sit on the couch, Jacob sits in the easy chair with Joyce in his lap, and Jerry sits on the carpet. All are staring at handheld electronics as Rick and Morty enter the room.

Rick Oh, unbelievable. We got a bunch of robot computer people sittin' around with their faces stuffed in computer screens. No one acknowledges him. Do you realize Christ was born today? Jesus Christ our Savior was born today! A-A-A-Are you people even human? What kind of Christmas is this?

Jerry looks at the audience and shrugs. End Credits roll Trans. Rick's garage

Annie through speaker phoneHey Rick! Rick, can you hear me?

Rick Loud and clear, Annie.

Annie Great! We're also on with Alejandro, our Chief Imaginarian—

Alejandro Hey Rick.

Annie Natalie Jacobs and Chris Desiter from Microscopic Marketing, Zach from Organ Concepts and Jamie from New Media.

Rick Hey everybody.

All Hey, hi Rick, how's it goin'. etc.

Annie So. Pirates of the Pancreas.

Rick Yeah, talk to me.

Alejandro Hey Rick, it's Alejandro speaking. Um, so we asked ourselves internally, we asked ourselves over here, “Okay, what does a pancreas do?” Rick begins to look agitated. And the answer was, does it make pirates? No. It makes insulin, you know? So we're starting with a new—

Rick, furious, picks up and slams the phone, hanging up on the group call. Behind him, Ethan lies on a table.

Ethan So those guys are inside me, huh? Like, building a park?

Rick Those guys are inside you building a piece of shit, Ethan! They're inside you building a monument to compromise! Fuck. Fuck those people. Fuck this whole thing, Ethan.

Ethan ... Cool. And who pays me?

Jurassic Park1993

Lawnmower Dog

Author(s): Justin Roiland

Transcriber/Editor(s): A. Hall

Date Aired: 2013-12-09

Reference Name(s): Lawnmower Man

Reference Date(s): 1975

Jerry and Summer are in the living room. Jerry is flipping through channels on TV and Summer is texting

TV Coin collecting is considered the perfect hobby. Beautiful putt right there good birdie. That's only the eighth birdie of the day.

Snuffles walks up to Jerry are sits there, looking at him

Jerry What? Why are you looking at me? You want to go outside? Outside? Sigh

Jerry opens the door to let Snuffles out but he still just stands there

Jerry Outside?

Snuffles pees on the carpet

Jerry Are you kidding me?! Come on!

Summer Oh, my God.

Morty hears his dad yelling and runs into the room to check up on him

Morty What's wrong?

Jerry Your idiot dog!

Morty Oh, he he didn't mean it, dad. Did you, snuffles? You're a good boy.

Jerry Don't praise him now, Morty! He just peed on the carpet! Bad dog! Bad!

Jerry grabs Snuffles by the head and stuffs his face into the pee puddle just as Rick walks in

Rick Morty, come on. I need your help tonight.

Jerry Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick. You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you?

Rick I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior, Jerry. If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread. Come on, Morty.

Jerry Listen, Rick, if you're gonna stay here rent-free and use my son for your stupid science, the least you could do is put a little bit of it to use for the family. You make that dog smart or Morty's grounded!

Summer Ha-ha!

Morty Aw, man!

Rick Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry.

Rick goes into the garage and quickly whips up a helmet and comes back and puts it on Snuffles

Rick All right, Ruffles What's his name?

Morty Snuffles.

Rick Snuffles, shake.

Snuffles understands his and shakes

Rick Roll over.

Snuffles rolls over

Rick Go to the bathroom.

Snuffles goes out of the room, a toilet flush is heard, and then he returns

Jerry Holy crap!

Summer No way.

Rick Yeah, you're at the top of your game now, Jerry. Have fun. Come on, Morty.

Rick and Morty go into the garage

Morty That was fantastic, Rick!

Rick Yeah, Morty, if you like that, boy, you're you're really going to flip your lid over this one.

Rick shows Morty a tiny metal ear-piece like device

Morty W-w-w-what is it?

Rick It's a device, Morty, that when you put it in your ear, you can enter people's dreams, Morty. It's just like that movie that you keep crowing about.

Morty You talking about "Inception"?

Rick That's right, Morty. This is gonna be a lot like that, except, you know, it's gonna may-Belch-be make sense.

Morty "Inception" made sense.

Rick You don't have to try to impress me, Morty. Listen, tonight we're gonna go into the home of your math teacher, Mr. Goldenfold, and we're gonna incept the idea in his brain to give you A's in math, Morty. That way you can, you know, y-you're gonna help me with my science, Morty, all the time.

Morty Geez, Rick, in the time it took you to make this thing, couldn't you have just, you know, helped me with my homework?

Rick Are you listening to me, Morty? Homework is stupid. The whole point is to get less of it.

Rick and Morty get into the space cruiser and start going off

Rick Come on, let's just get over there and deal with this thing. W-we're gonna incept your teacher. You're frustrating me.

Mr. Goldenfold is in his home, watching TV on the couch, eating nachos, half asleep

Mrs. Pancakes You don't know me!

Mr. Goldenfold ' Nice, Mrs. Pancakes real nice.

Mr. Goldenfold falls asleep just as Rick and Morty sneak in through his window

Commercial Announcer Next week on "The days and nights of Mrs. Pancakes"

Mrs. Pancakes You don't know me!

Mr. Pancakes Then let me get to know yo, damn it!

Rick Uh-oh! Spoilers!

Rick quickly turns off the TV

Rick I'm a full season behind.

Morty Wow, Rick, I can't believe we're sitting around, standing around in Mr. Goldenfold's house. It's really weird.

Rick It's about to get a whole lot weirder, Morty.

Rick puts inception devices on everyone and they enter Mr. Goldenfold's dream. Here, he is sitting on the airplane and Mrs. Pancakes is the flight attendant serving snacks

Mrs. Pancakes Wheat thins. Wheat thins.

Mr. Goldenfold I'll take two.

Mrs. Pancakes Oh, I think you've had enough, sir.

Mr.Goldenfold You don't know me.

Rick All right, Morty, time to make our move.

Rick grabs some sodas and a cloth while Mr. Goldenfold and Mrs. Pancakes play around with each other

Mr. Goldenfold Make it bounce.

Mrs. Pancakes No, you didn't.

Mr. Goldenfold Oh, jiggle it now.

Mrs. Pancakes You better stop with that.

Rick and Morty jump out, disguised as Muslim terrorists, wearing soda bottles as bombs and Morty wearing the cloth on his head like an Islamic woman

Rick Allahu Belch akbar! We're gonna take control of this plane! We're gonna 9/11 it unless Morty Smith gets better grades in math!

The passengers are frozen in shock, but Mr. Goldenfold gets up and stands against him

Rick Hey! I said nobody move, buddy!

Mr. Goldenfold The name's not buddy. It's Goldenfold. Nice to wheat you!

Mr. Goldenfold throws a bunch of wheat thins at them, and it cuts their flesh like ninja stars

Rick Take cover, Morty!

Mr. Goldenfold suddenly takes out two giant firearms and starts firing them at the two, just after Rick and Morty hide behind the seats, sheltering themselves from the attacks.

Mr. Goldenfold AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Morty Ooohhh!

Rick Goldenfold's got more control here than I anticipated. I mean, the guy teaches high-school math. Belch I didn't take him for an active dreamer. We've got to take him out so he wakes up, Morty but we can't get killed. If you get killed in someone else's dream, you die for real, Morty.

Morty What?! Are you kidding me?! Ohhhhhh!

Rick Don't be a baby! You avoid getting shot in real life all the time, Morty. Just do the same thing here, and we'll be fine!

Jerry is in the living room, controlling Snuffles and showing to Beth how cool it is

Jerry Now bring me my slippers.

Snuffles brings Jerry his slippers

Summer Now, be my footstool, Snuffles.

Snuffles stands in front of her and Summer rests her feet there

Jerry This is what I'm talking about. This is a dog.

Beth Unimpressed Oh, yeah. This should play out just fine.

Jerry You said the same thing, equally sarcastically, at our wedding and guess what?

Everyone is silent for a few seconds while Beth gives him blank stare. Jerry slowly starts to fade into a depressed state as Beth walks off, leaving him

Snuffles Ooowwwwowowwaawaa!

Summer Oh, my God! He's trying to tell us something. Offscreen That is so awesome.

Snuffles Aaaawwaaaaawaawa!

Jerry Aw, he's saying "I love lasagna".

Snuffles Ooooyayawawa!

Summer He's saying "I love Obama". Offscreen So cute! I'm posting this Onscreen online, like, right now.

Jerry I should call Bob Saget. Is that still a thing?

Jerry and Summer leave the room and Snuffles sadly walks over the the glass door and sees his helmet in the reflection

Snuffles Hmm?

Snuffles finds the battery case on his helmet and then goes into the kitchen, where he finds a drawer full of batteries Mr. Goldenfold is still shooting things up in the plane and Rick attempts to make peace with him

Rick Goldenfold, we're coming out! We just want to talk!

Mr.Goldenfold Why would I negotiate with you?

Rick Because we're both rational adults that don't want anything bad to happen. And because I have a human shield.

Rick takes out Mrs. Pancakes

Mr. Goldenfold Mrs. Pancakes! AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!

Plane Passengers AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rick Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking.

Plane Passenger Oh no! Run!

One of the passengers beats the airlock off the plane and everyone flies out

Plane Passengers AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rick Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoooooaaaa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoooooaaaa!

Morty Whooooa! Whoooooooa! Whoa! Whooooooooaaaaa!

Rick and Morty fall out of the plane, plummeting to their dooms

Morty AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Rick Relax, Morty. Look! Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute. Come on!

Rick and Morty grab onto Mrs. Pancakes are her parachute deploys

Mrs. Pancakes Hey, you don't know me!

Morty Oh, no, Rick, look! Goldenfold landed the plane, and he's created a Offscreen mechanical arm to pluck Mrs. Pancakes out of the air while he lets us fall - into a giant vat of lava!

Rick Pretty concise, Morty. Looks like we've merely prolonged the inevitable. That's it, Morty! Prolonging the inevitable! Listen, if we go into Mrs. Pancakes' dream, everything will go 100 times slower, Morty. That'll buy us some time to figure this out!

Mrs. Pancakes You don't know m-

Rick slaps Mrs. Pancakes, knocking her out, and then incepts her dream with Morty

Rick All right, let's go.

Rick and Morty go inside of her dream which is a bizarre S&M dungeon filled with obscure gooey, monstrous, alien-like creatures

Morty Oh, man, Rick, this is pretty weird.

Rick Don't judge, Morty.

Morty Okay. All right, well Look, Mrs. Pancakes is right over there. I'll just go ask her to tell goldenfold not to kill us when she wakes up.

Rick Whoa, whoa, Morty, the trick to incepting is making people think they came up with the idea. Listen to me. If we're gonna incept Mrs. Pancakes, we have to blend. I'll talk to you after lunch.

Rick leaves Morty and blends in and then Morty in confronted by a sexualized creature

Sexualized S&M Monster Ooh, hey!

Morty Ooh, oh! Oh, man.

Many more creatures come up and try to seduce him, making him more uncomfortable

Sexualized S&M Monster Come and join us.

Morty starts running

Morty I'm sorry. No, no.

Sexualized S&M Monster Ooh, come here!

Morty No, thanks!

Giant Frog Woman Ooh, wow! - Come over here, baby!

Morty No, I'm okay.

Morty bumps into a human being who looks very hot

Morty Whoa!

The human is revealed to be his sister, Summer

Morty Shocked Summer?!

Summer Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things?

Summer shakes her tits in his face

Morty Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross!

Morty starts running away from her and Rick comes up

Rick Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Morty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here.

Morty It's Summer! Aw, geez.

Rick Looks like goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams of the people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister.

Summer Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy. Let's make an inter-generational sandwich.

Rick In Unison With Morty Oh, my God. Put some clothes on for the love of God Summer! Put some - I'm gunna puke! I swear to God I'm gunna puke!

Morty In Unison With RickOh, my God! Put some clothes on, for Pete's sake! This is disgusting! I can't take it, Rick!

Everyone in the dungeon starts noticing them and then an angry centaur who is very much in charge shows up

Centaur Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure chamber are punishable by death! Off with their heads!

Rick Time to go another dream deep, Morty!

Rick pops the neck of the centaur and they hook up more devices and incept his dream Rick and Morty appear in a dark and horrid red rusted chamber where the Centaur is shuttering in fear

Morty What the hell? Why would Mr. Goldenfold's dream version of Mrs. Pancakes' dream version of a Centaur be dreaming about a scary place like this, Rick?

Rick Geez, I don't know, Morty. Wha-what do you want from me?

A horrible Freddy Krueger monster named Scary Terry shows up, and starts to horrify them

Scary Terry Welcome to your nightmare, bitch! RAAAAAWWWRRR!

Rick Oh, here we go!

Morty Ooooooohhhhh! Holy crap!

Rick and Morty start running and Scary Terry chases after them

Rick Looks like some sort of legally safe knock-off of an '80s horror character with miniature swords for fingers instead of knives.

Scary Terry I'm scary Terry. You can run, but you can't hide, bitch!

Jerry and Summer are in the living room and Snuffles appears with a robotic arm attached to his helmet

Jerry Whoa! Hey, buddy. What you got going on there?

Snuffles is now able to communicate and speak English through the helmet

Snuffles Snuffles fix. Make better.

Summer Humans understand snuffles now? That is awesome!

Snuffles Snuffles want to be understood. Snuffles need to be understood.

Jerry Okay, yeah. I get what Beth was talking about. Fun's over.

Summer Whoa, dad, you can't, like, endow a creature with sentience and then rip it away.

Jerry Why not?

Summer I don't know. It's Indian giving.

Snuffles turns on the TV to a documentary on dogs and starts watching it

TV A sophisticated predator, nature's perfect killing machine, the vicious wolf stalks its prey with purpose and skill. It was only with years of selective breeding and genetic altering that this noble beast was transformed into man's subservient little buddy.

Summer Aw! Oh, my God! He recognizes the other dogs on TV.

Back in the dream, Rick and Morty are running for their lives, when they come across a creepy singing jump roping girl

Little Girl "A," "b" his name is scary Terry "C," "d" he's very scary.

Rick Holy crap! We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Morty!

Morty Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man!

Little Girl "E," "f" he'll design your death

Rick The little girl!

Morty Huh?

Rick and Morty knock out the little girl and incept her dream, only to go into a place exactly like the one they're already in

Little Girl "J," "k," he'll really ruin your day.

Rick Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty.

Morty Oh, geez, Rick. W-w-whoa, this isn't good.

Scary Terry Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch!

Morty Ohhhh!

Rick Holy crap, Morty. He can travel through dreams. He can travel through dreams! We're so screwed!

Summer is sleeping in the middle of the night but is then woken up by Snuffles, who now has an entire robot body

Snuffles Where are my testicles, Summer? ... Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone?

Summer ScaredOh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles.

Snuffles Do not call me that!

Snuffles smashes the mirror, making Summer shriek in fear

Snuffles "Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball, because my fur is pretty and white.

Summer Okay, Snowball, just calm down, okay? You're scaring me.

Snuffles Scaring you?

Snuffles smashes the mirror, making Summer shriek in fear

Summer AAAAAAAHHH!!!!!

Snuffles Tell me, Summer, if a human was born with stumpy legs, would they breed it with another deformed human and put their children on display like the dachshund?

Summer Uhhh ...

Beth and Jerry rush into the room, hearing her scream and they notice Snuffles

Jerry Hey. Oh, wow. Okay, is is is everything okay in here?

Snuffles Jerry, come to rub my face in urine again?

Jerry No! No, we were uh, just seeing if Summer wanted to uh ...

Beth G-Go on, um, one of our famous midnight family walks!

Summer Yeah. Totally. Let's go.

Beth, Jerry, and Summer try to leave, but they are stopped by another dog with a robotic mind control suit

Snuffles You will walk when it is time to walk.

Screen cuts to black for the intermission break

Rick What are we here for again? Incepting? We're trying to incept-

Morty We're trying to incept me to get an "A" in math?

Rick Oh, yeah.

Scary Terry appears in the car

Scary Terry Buckle up, bitch!

Morty Ooooooaaahhh!

Rick and Morty start running

Morty Man, he sure says "bitch" a lot!

Scary Terry You can run, but you can't hide, bitch!

Rick Hold on, Morty. Y-you know what? He keeps saying we can run but we can hide. I say we try hiding.

Morty But that's the opposite of what-

Rick Yeah, well, since when are we taking this guy's advice on anything?

Morty Hey, you know what? You got a really good point there, Rick. Like, if the truth was that we could hide, it's not like he'd be sharing that information with us, you know? I-I-I think it's a good idea, Rick.

Rick Worst-case scenario we're back to running.

A time lapse transition card shows up, reading "Six dream hours later". Rick and Morty are seen hiding and Scary Terry goes past them, still looking for them and not knowing where they are

Morty Wow, you know what? I mean, it looks like we could have just hid this whole time. Boy, Rick, that was some good thinking.

Rick Thanks, Morty. Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while.

Scary Terry You can run But you can't hide! Yawn

Rick Oh, this is perfect, Morty. Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day. That's when we make our move.

Scene cuts back to the dogs. They are working in a factory and Jerry, Summer, and Beth are seen, trapped in a cage.

Jerry Snuffles, we didn't mean you any harm! This is a huge misunderstanding.

Summer Dad, he wants to be called snowball.

Jerry Well, I'm not calling him that. That's ridiculous.

Snuffles You're being very aggressive, Jerry. Perhaps tomorrow Dr. Scraps will solve that problem with a bit of surgery.

Another dog comes out with a pair of mayo scissors

Jerry Huh! You think you can control me with a haircut?

Scene cuts back to the dream realm. cary Terry is going back home to his family.

Scary Melissa Hi, honey. You're home early. How was your day?

Scary Terry I don't want to talk about it!

Scary Melissa Oh, of course! You never want to talk about it!

Scary Terry Get off my back, bitch!

Scary Brandon, the baby, starts crying

Scary Melissa Out there. Not in here!

Scary Terry Yeah, I know, I know. I shouldn't take my anger out on you or Scary Brandon. I love you, Melissa.

Scary Melissa I love you, too, Terry.

Rick and Morty are watching from outside the window

Rick Morty, this is perfect. After a little scary coitus, they should be fast asleep and then we'll incept him.

Rick and Morty go into the Terry's room, when Terry and Melissa are fast asleep

Rick Looks like scary Terry's having a nightmare.

Morty Oh, boy, Rick. I can only imagine what horrible things must, you know scare Scary Terry.

Rick and Morty incept his dream and he's having a school related dream

Scary Terry Oh, no! I'm late to class, bitch! Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants!

Scary Terry goes to class

Monster Teacher Ah, well, Mr. Terry, why don't you tell the whole class the proper wordplay to use when one is chasing one's victim through a pumpkin patch?

Scary Terry Oh, uh, um ... "Bitch."

The class laughs at him

Monster Teacher: Oh, come on, Terry, you can't think of a pun involving pumpkins, bitch? Morty Hey, leave him alone!

Rick Yeah, this is a bunch of bullcrap. Who cares what stupid pun you make when you kill someone? Why don't you let the poor guy say whatever he wants?

Monster Teacher Well, I never! I-I see no reason to stand here and take this.

Rick You're putting too much pressure on yourself, scary Terry. You know, I mean, y-you're perfectly scary enough as it is.

Morty Hey, yo, scary T., don't even trip about your pants dawg. Here's a pair on us, fool.

Scary Terry Aww, bitch. I don't know what to say.

Morty You don't need to say anything. We got you, dawg.

Rick You're our boy, dawg. Don't even trip.

Scary Terry wakes up from his dream and sees Rick and Morty

Scary Terry Oh, hey, it's you guys!

That morning, Rick, Morty, and the Terry family are having breakfast in the kitchen

Scary Melissa I haven't seen him this relaxed in years.

Scary Terry If you guys ever need anything, just say the word.

Rick As a matter of fact, Terry, there is something you could help us with.

Rick, Morty, and Terry escape the dream and confront the little girl

Little Girl ' "Q," "r," you won't get very far.

Scary Terry I always hated that song!

Scary Terry kills the little girl and then goes on to the centaur

Scary Terry These halves don't belong together, bitch!

Scary Tells kills the centaur and moves onto Mrs. Pancakes

Scary Terry Sex is sacred!

Scary Terry kills Mrs. Pancakes and launches himself at Mr. Goldensfold

Scary Terry This is because you don't give Morty Smith good grades, bitch!

Scary Terry destroys Mr. Goldenfold, causing him to wake up from his dream, in shock

Mr. Goldenfold Holy crap! God damn! I know one thing for sure I'm giving Morty an "A" in math, and that's my idea. That is an original thought.

Rick and Morty fist bump behind the couch

Morty What the hell?

Rick Out of the frying pan dot, dot, dot, huh, Morty?

Morty Oh, man, what's going on?

Rick Well, it's possible that your dog became self-aware and made modifications on the cognition amplifier, then turned on Jerry, Beth, and Summer after learning about humanity's cruel subjugation of his species, but your guess is as good as mine, Morty.

Jerry I can't believe how mean snuffles got just because he's smart.

Summer This is why I choose to get C's.

Rick Psst, Beth, Jerry, Summer.

Morty - Dad! - Rick! - Oh, thank God, Morty. - Oh, you're welcome. All right, let's get out of here.

Rick If we hurry we can set up camp in a sewer tunnel or something before the dogs completely take over.

Jerry Whoa, whoa, whoa. We're not going anywhere. This is my house. I'm not abandoning it.

Rick It's all over, Jerry. The dogs are on a path to total world domination. But, hey, at least they know not to piss on your carpet, right?

Jerry Wait a minute. I have an idea. Gentlemen, a moment of your time. Jerry pees on a pile of guns See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them.

Snuffles Bad person. Bad.

Rick Ooh, great plan, Jerry.

Snuffles Bring the boy to me. You were always kind to me, Morty. That's why I will leave you with your testicles. From now on, you will be my best friend and live by my side.

Morty Th-thanks, snuffles.

Snuffles Begin phase two.

The military can be seen on TV fighting the dogs

Reporter Fighting continues as the dog army captures the eastern seaboard. It appears clear at this time that the era of human superiority has come to a bitter end. Two dogs come into the news room with a muzzlePlease! Please don't kill me!

Dog 1 What's she saying, Bill?

Bill I think she's saying, "I love lasagna.

Morty is in a bed with two naked girls, and a dog brings him refreshments

Morty Mmm. Thank you, Fido. Rick! I thought you were dead!

Rick No, no, no, I was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon.

Morty What?

Rick It's a dream, Morty. We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we all went to sleep. Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside snuffles' dream.

Morty But I-it's been like a whole year!

Rick It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like "Inception," Morty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie.

Morty Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants.

Rick No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Morty. You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know, is that you crapped your pants. I mean, it's a mess out there. I got some on my hands, Morty, and then I got it on the dream inceptor, and a piece fell in my mouth.

Morty Aw, man, geez! Seriously?

Rick Look, d-d-d-don't worry about it, Morty. Here, here take these, Morty. Take these.

Morty Are these pills supposed to wake me up, or something?

Rick Close. It's gonna make your kidneys shut down.

Morty What?!

Rick It's necessary for the plan, Morty. Don't even trip, dawg.

Snuffles and a few other dogs, Rick also dressed up as one, stand around Morty, who looks close to death on his medical table

Dr. Dog It's pretty bad, emperor snowball. We're gonna need to do another operation.

Snuffles Anything. Anything for my precious Morty.

Accountant Dog Sir, as your accountant, I must advise you that these medical expenses are putting you in serious financial jeopardy. You could lose your kingdom.

Snuffles To hell with my kingdom, bean counter. I would trade it all for my human's health and happiness.

Accountant Dog Do you think they would have done this for us?

Snuffles We are not them! We are not them. Snuffles wakes up from the dream Assemble the troops. I've made a decision.

Outside where the dogs are seen portaling to another world

Snuffles Taking over the human's world will lead to nothing but more heartbreak, more cruelty. Instead, we will go to a new world and colonize it with a society of intelligent dogs, one that will not make the same mistakes as humanity and one where pet insurance will be mandatory.

Morty I'm gonna miss you, snowball.

Snuffles You can call me snuffles, Morty, and I'm going to miss you, too, very much.

Snuffles portals away, Jerry starts tearing up

Beth Jerry?

Jerry I'm sorry. It's just like the end of "Old Yeller.

Beth Oh, Jerry. You mean because it had dogs in it.

Morty Wow! A whole world populated by intelligent dogs. I wonder what it'll be like, Rick.

Rick I think it will be great, Morty. You know it could be developed in-into a very satisfying project for people of all ages. I mean, I'd watch it, Morty, for at least 11 minutes a pop. You know, may-maybe they'll do it board-driven.

Morty You know, that's a real comforting idea, Rick.

Rick What do you know, Morty? What do you know?

After credits. Rick and Scary Terry are in Terry's dream in a classroom

Scary Glenn Hi, guys. I'm your new teacher for scary class. My name is scary Mr. Johnson. Uh, actually, you know what? That's my dad's name, so why don't you just call me scary Glenn, yeah? So, anyway, I understand your previous teacher was having you work on fundamentals of fear. Which is what is that? You know? So, uh, here here's what I say you can't learn anything until you learn how to chill.

Rick Oooh! This is how you dream, bitch. Terry and Rick are getting stoned

Lawnmower Man1975

Rick Potion #9

Author(s): Justin Roiland

Transcriber/Editor(s): A. Hall

Date Aired: 2015-09-07

Reference Name(s): Love Potion #9

Reference Date(s): 1992

Open ext. Harry Herpson High School Trans. int. Harry Herpson High School hallway Morty is standing at his locker.

Principal Vagina over the intercom, while the students talk Principal Vagina here, don't let the name fool you, I'm very much in charge, reminding you that tonight is our annual flu season dance. I don't know how many times I have to say this but if you have the flu, stay home, the flu season dance is about awareness, not celebration. You don't bring dead babies to Passover.

Morty watches Jessica with her friends at a nearby locker

Jessica's friend to Jessica Hey.

Morty Ohhh. Okay, here we go. walks over to Jessica and her friends Nervously H-Heyy Jessica, ughh.

Jessica What's up Morty? sneezes

Morty Ugghh

Brad butts in What are you doing?

Morty Ummm

Brad Wait, wait, Were you about to talk... to her?

Morty Well, I mean, I was thinking about it.

Brad Dude, Stay in your league! Look at how hot she is! You don't see me going to a bigger school, in a wealthier district and hittin' on their prettiest girl!

Jessica sarcastically Gee, thanks, Brad.

Jessica and Brad walk away

Brad I throw balls far. You want good words, date a languager.

Morty stands at the locker alone and looks down in disappointment Trans. ext. The Smith's house Trans. int. The Smith's kitchen Jerry is making a sandwich and talking to Morty at the counter

Jerry Eh, Try not to worry about it, Morty. You're a good kid, and there's not a premium on that right now, but you'll be getting girls sometime after Brad's out of shape.

Morty Plays with a cookie in sadness You're missing the point, Dad. I don't want girls, I want Jessica!

Jerry Ahhh, well, gets another jar of sauce out of the cupboard I remember feeling that way about a young lady named your mom, and that's not an urban dis, your mom was my Jessica. I remember the first time I saw her, I thought...

Rick enters and interrupts Jerry I should get her pregnant, then she'll have to marry me. grabs a glass from a cupboard

Jerry I beg your pardon, Rick, INAPPROPRIATE. points to Morty

Rick grabs ice from out of the freezer sarcastically Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. gets juice out of the refrigerator I'm not sure you want to take romantic advice from this guy, Morty, his marriage is hanging from a thread.

Jerry Angrily My marriage is fine, thank you.

Rick walks towards Jerry

Rick Jerry, it's your house, whatever you say it is is how it is, pours juice into the glass but I think a blind man could see that Beth is looking for the door. I barely have a reason to care and even I noticed.

Morty Come on, Rick, don't talk about my parents like that.

Rick walks around counter, to Morty

Rick Listen, Morty, I hate to break it to you, but what people call "love" is a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. It hits hard, Morty, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it, your parents are gonna do it. Break the cycle, Morty. Rise above. Focus on science. exits room, drinking juice

Jerry walks next to Morty

Morty In woe Alright, well, I'm gonna go get dressed for the dance. exits kitchen

Jerry Yeah, I'm just going to...check on your mom. exits opposite direction

Trans. ext. The Smith's house Trans. int. The Smith's garage Rick is working on a machine, on his desk, as Morty enters, in his suit

Rick With his back to Morty Morty, hand me that screwdriver, huh? Morty closes door I'm almost finished making my ionic defibulizer, Morty. It's gonna be great.

Morty Hey, listen, Rick. You know how you said that, you know... love is a chemical and all that stuff from earlier? walks to Rick at his desk Well, I was thinkn', you know, www... could you make some sort of chemical thing happen inside of Jessica's mind, you know, so where she falls in love with me and all that sort of thing, you know, like maybe make some sort of love potion or something?

Rick Morty, that's such a poor use of my time, it's beneath me. Hand me the screwdriver. points to the shelf

Morty Angrily YOU KNOW WHAT, NO RICK! I'M NOT GONNA HAND YOU THE SCREWDRIVER! Uh, I'm never gonna hand you anything ever again, Rick. Rick gets up and grabs a box of supplies from the shelf I'm always helping you with this and that and the other thing. Www...what about me, Rick? Www... why can't you just help me out once, once, for once?

Rick sighs You're growing up fast, Morty. You're growing into a real big thorn straight up into my ass! grabs some test tubes with yellow liquid and holds one up Listen, this is called oxytocin. I extracted it from a vole. You know what a VOLE is, Morty, you know what a vole is?

Morty shakes his head as Rick walks away from the shelf

Rick It's a, it's a rodent that mates for life, Morty. This is the chemical release in the mammal's brain, sets down the box of objects, opens a hatch in a machine, and pours the oxytocin in ...that makes it fall in love. Alright Morty, I just gotta burps combine it with some of your DNA.

Morty Oh well, okay... zips down his fly

Rick A hair, Morty, I need one of your hairs! This isn't Game Of Thrones. plucks hair from Morty's head

Morty Oww!

Rick drops the hair in the machine and closes the hatch The machine vibrates and makes noises, then pours an orange liquid into a conical flask, much like a coffee machine

Rick grabs the flask containing the orange liquid Alright, Morty, whoever you smear this stuff on will fall in love with you, and only you, forever. Ya happy now, Morty?

Rick hands the potion to Morty, and walks away

Morty Heck yeah! Thank you, Grandpa Rick! walks to the door, but thinks about it and looks back Hey there's no dangers or anything or side effects, right?

Rick Www.. what am I, a hack?! Go nuts, Morty, it's full proof.

Morty leaves the garage as Rick works on the ionic defibulizer some more

Rick Ugh, unless she has the flu. shrugs it off

suspense music Trans Beth and Jerry's room Beth is typing on the computer, while Jerry is sadly sitting on their bed

Jerry Beth, do you still love me?

Beth sighs Want kinda question is that?

Jerry The "yes" or "no" kind. weak laugh of obviousness

Beth Jerry, do you want homeless people to have homes?

Jerry Yess.

Beth Are you gonna build them?

Jerry Noo.

Beth Then what good was the "yes"?

Jerry walks to Beth at the computer confused Wait, iii... is loving me the house or the homeless people?

Beth Turns around to Jerry Irritated Loving you is work, Jerry, hard work, like building a homeless shelter. Nobody want to say "no" to doing it, but some people put the work in. So what do ya say? Do you see me working here? Does this conversation seem tedious to me?

Jerry Sort of.

Beth But I obviously sort of love you, don't I? alert on Beth's phone So stop asking and maybe I'll love you more. looks at her phone Crap, They need me at the horse hospital.

Beth gets up and grabs her jacket at the door

Jerry This late?

Beth puts on her jacket The racetrack had a starlit derby, there's a seven horse collision, and Davin's there alone. leaves the room, leaving Jerry alone

Jerry In his head Progressively angrier Davin, Davin, Davin, Davin, Davin, Davin, Davin, Davin

Trans. ext. Herry Herpson High School, Gymnasium entrance Dressed up students walk inside in pairs, a large banner reads "FLU SEASON DANCE" over the doors Trans int. Flu Season Dance inside Gymnasium Morty happily walks passed many students eating and dancing, a band plays Flu Hatin' Rap in the background

Band Vocalist / MC Haps Background Flu. Yo, you gotta be aware. Aware about the flu, up in the air. Imma get me a shot and make the flu go away. Flu hatin' rappers just rappin' away. Yo. Yo. Flu hatin' rapper. It's a flu hatin' rap....This is about flu awareness. Gotta be aware of the flu in the airness. Yo, I'm a flu hatin' rapper. My name is MC Haaaaaaaaaaps- Haps Yeah, I'm MC Haps, I'm a flu hatin' rapper, yo......

Morty sees Jessica and her friends, he takes out a vial of the potion and pours it onto his hand, he then approaches them

Morty Hey there, Jessica. Pretends to trip, wiping the potion on Jessica's arm Whooa-whoopsie!

Jessica turns around and becomes infected, falling in love with Morty

Jessica infected Omigod, Morty. You look REALLY nice tonight.

Morty WOW, thanks!

Jessica pulls Morty close to her breasts

Jessica infected I love you, Morty. I love you so much it burns!

Morty Oh man. I love you too, Jessica! Brad walks passed with a drink, he overhears

Brad outraged spits Is this punk bothering you, Jessica?shoves Morty

Jessica Infected LEAVE HIM ALONE, JERK! pulls Morty away I'M IN LOVE WITH HIM! HE'S MORE MAN THEN YOU WILL EVER BE! sneezes

Jessica sneezes infected bacteria into Brad's mouth You can more promptly hear the band's rap as the green spheres of bacteria spread throughout Brad's body, through his blood and nerves

Brad infected Aw man, Morty, ugh, I'm really sorry.

Morty Oh, well, no problem Brad.

Brad hugs Morty infected There's somethin' special bout you, somethin' special. squeezes Morty's butt and back

Morty pushes Brad away Whoa, take it easy!

Jessica grabs Morty's left arm infected GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF HIM!

Brad grabs Morty's right arm infected BACK OFF I'M TRYING TO BE WITH MY MAN!

Brad and Jessica quarrel over Morty

Principal Vagina Stops the fight, pulling Brad back, aided with Mr. Goldenfold That's enough Bradley. We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm.

Principal Vagina and Mr. Goldenfold drag Brad away

Brad disappointment infected Oh, Principal Vagina.

Jessica takes Morty away, grasping his head

Jessica infected Never leave me, Morty, NEVER.

Morty and Jessica hold each other Nearby students begin to watch

Morty confused Uh, sure. I mean, of course not. What do you think that was all about?

Jessica infected Who cares? Just hold me.

Trans. Principal Vagina and Mr. Goldenfold dragging distraught Brad outside of the gym

Brad infected LET ME GO!!! I LOVE YOU MORTY! sneeze, sneeze exits the gym

Brad sneezes infected bacteria into a nearby punch bowl, then again into a vent suspenseful music Love Potion #91992

Raising Gazorpazorp

Author(s): Justin Roiland

Transcriber/Editor(s): A. Hall

Date Aired: 2015

Reference Name(s): Raising Arizona

Reference Date(s): 1987

There is no available script for this episode.

Raising Arizona1987

Meeseeks and Destroy

Author(s): Justin Roiland

Transcriber/Editor(s): A. Hall

Date Aired: 2015-09-04

Reference Name(s): Seek and Destroy

Reference Date(s): 1982

Open Ext. Damaged space station, likely in another dimension The sky is purple and tumultuous as the sounds of Rick and Morty running and panting are heard. Trans. Int. Space station Rick and Morty run through the abandoned station, pursued by evil clones of Jerry, Beth, and Summer.

Rick Run!

Jerry, Beth, and Summer incoherent zombie noises

The three clones tackle Rick, knocking a device from his hand. Morty stands by, unsure of what to do.

Rick Morty, do it! Hit the button now!

Morty I can't do it, Rick! They're my parents and sister!

Rick holding off the clones Morty, I already told you, it's not your family! They're clones from an alternate reality possessed by demonic alien spirits from another dimension's future! Do you need a mnemonic device or something? Just hit the button already!

Beth's clone leaves Rick and approaches Morty, panting viciously until she gets close, and she seemingly becomes her normal self again.

Beth Morty, please. I love you, sweetheart.

Morty Ohhhh...

Morty hesitates a second longer before darting past Beth. He glances up at the clones, then covers his eyes as he hits a button on the wall, creating an energy field that destroys the clones, whose faces seem to melt. Morty watches, horrified. As soon as they're gone, Rick jumps to his feet and grabs the device that absorbed the spirits, apparently unbothered by the entire event.

Rick Good work, Morty.

He creates a portal and jumps through. Trans. Garage Rick and Morty leap through the other end of the portal back to the Smith residence.

Rick holding up the device and smiling Y-You know, these demonic alien spirits are really valuable!

Screen pans out to show that Morty is vomiting in the corner. Rick glances at him and puts the box away.

Rick You okay, Morty? Told you not to trust that tuna.

Morty I just killed my family! I don't care what they were!

Rick I dunno, Morty. Some people would pay top dollar for that kinda breakthrough.

Morty Y-You know what, Rick? That's it! I-I'm done with these...insane adventures! That was really traumatizing! I quit! I'm out!

Morty turns and starts to walk out of the garage.

Rick Whoa whoa whoa, grabs Morty's shoulder, stopping him come on, Morty! D-D-Don't be like that! The universe is a crazy and chaotic place!

Morty pushes Rick's hands away You're the one that's crazy and chaotic! Adventures are supposed to be simple! And fun!

Rick Oh yeah, Morty. Yeah, t-t-that- that's real easy to say from the sidekick position. But—But, uh, h-how about next time you be in charge, then we'll talk about how simple and fun it is.

Morty suddenly excited Seriously Rick?! Y-You'll let me call the shots?

Rick Okay, fine. But let's make it interesting, Morty. I-I-If your adventure sucks, and we bail halfway through it, you lose the right to bitch about all future adventures. Plus, you have to do my laundry for a month.

Morty Okay, all right, tough guy! But if my adventure's good... I get to be in charge of every third adventure!

Rick Every 10th.

Morty Deal. All right. Well, come on, let's get going.

Beth Dad, the dishwasher's doing that thing again.

Rick Washing dishes?

Beth No. The opposite. Can you fix it?

Summer Grandpa Rick, can you help me with my science homework?

Rick Yeah just don't do it.

Summer Grandpa!

Jerry Hey, Rick, you got some kind of hand-shaped device that can open this mayonnaise jar?

Rick Wow. Hat trick. All right, Morty, let's put a pin in this. I got to help your pathetic family.

Morty Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say. Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk.

Rick Oh, Morty, you done did it this time. It's on. I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart. As for you dingdongs... This is a Meeseeks box. Let me show you how it works. You press this.

meeseeks spawns

Meeseeks I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me!

Rick You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar.

Meeseeks Yes, siree!

Meeseeks grabs mayonnaise jar as rick explains.

Rick The Meeseeks fulfills the request.

Meeseeks opens jar and hands to jerry.

Meeseeks All done!

Jerry amazed Wow!

Rick And then it stops existing.

Meeseek vanishes into particles in air.

Summer Oh, my God, he exploded!

Rick Trust me, they're fine with it. Knock yourselves out just keep your requests simple. They're not gods.

Morty All right! Get out of here now! Everybody out of here! I got a bet to win!

Beth, Jerry and Summer in the livingroom

Beth So many possibilities.

Summer My mind is racing.

Jerry If we're gonna use this thing, which I'm not even sure we should, we need to keep it simple.

Summer spawns a meeseek

Meeseeks I'm Mr. Meeseeks!

Summer I want to be popular at school!

Meeseeks Ooh, okay!

Jerry Summer, what did I just-

Beth spawns a meeseek

Meeseeks 2 Ooh, I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me!

Beth I want I want to be a more complete woman!

Jerry Beth!

Meeseeks 2 Oh, yeah! Yes, ma'am!

Jerry You guys are doing it wrong. He said "simple."

Jerry spawns a meeseeks

Meeseeks 3 Hey, there. I'm Mr. Meeseeks!

Jerry Mr. Meeseeks, I would like to take two strokes off my golf game.

Meeseeks 3 Ooh, yeah! Can do!

Jerry Nailed it.

Cut to Rick and Morty in a poor village somewhere in the universe. It looks like a place from the 1700's

Rick God, Morty, what a boring start to an adventure. Why didn't we just go to Kentucky?

Morty Rick, this is a fantasy-type world with creatures and all sorts of fantasy things. We're going on a quest, okay?

Rick Can't wait.

Morty stands on something tall to speak to the people

Morty Ahem. Excuse me! We are two humble heroes in search of adventure!

Rick Oh, my God, so embarrassing.

Villager man At last! Two heroes! You must help us! This village is terribly poor, yet the giant that lives in the clouds above has untold treasures!

Morty You know what? I accept your call to adventure, good sir, kind sir. Come on, Rick. There's a giant in the clouds!

Rick Yeah. Beginner's luck.

Cut to Meeseeks 1 speaking to the students of Summer's school in the gym

Meeseeks 1 In conclusion, a friendship with Summer Smith is the most valuable and enriching experience of your young lives. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Thank you!

Principal Gene V. Uh, Mr. Meeseeks, was it? Yeah. Gene Vagina. Listen, I'm in a bit of custody thing with my ex and was wondering- Meeseeks 1 stops existing- No, I'll get your info from Summer.

Cut to Beth and Meeseeks 2 at a restaurant sitting outside

Beth I got pregnant at 17. I mean, I still put myself through veterinary school. Yes, I'm successful, but what if I hadn't...-Meeseeks 2 stares attentively- I'm just saying, somewhere along the way, I lost that wide-eyed girl from muskegon.

Meeseeks 2 She's still there, Beth.

Beth Well, her waistline isn't.

Meeseeks 2 Beth, having a family doesn't mean that you stop being an individual. You know the best thing you can do for people that depend on you? Be honest with them, even if it means setting them free.

Beth You're saying I should leave Jerry. Beth starts to cry I can't believe I'm finally having this conversation.

Meeseeks 2 stops existing as Beth leans in to kiss him

Waiter man More wine?

Beth I think I've had enough.

Cut to Jerry at a golf course with Meeseeks 3

Meeseeks 3 Remember to square your shoulders, Jerry.

Jerry Yeah, yeah. I got it.

Jerry misses the ball completely

Meeseeks 3 That's okay. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Try again and keep your head down.

Jerry Okay, well, which is it? Square my shoulders or keep my head down?

Meeseeks 3 Well, it's both. But most importantly, you got to relax.

Jerry You know what, Mr. Meeseeks? I don't think this is working. I give up.

Meeseeks 3 I'm sorry, Jerry, but it doesn't work like that. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. I have to fulfill my purpose so I can go away. Look at me.

Jerry Well, make yourself comfortable, because I suck.

Meeseeks 3 No, Jerry, I'm the one who SUCKS! Let me try something.

Meeseeks 3 spawns in another Meeseek

Meeseeks 4 I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me!

Meeseeks 3 Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me.

Meeseeks 4 Hi!

Meeseeks 3 Can you help me get two strokes off of Jerry's golf swing?

Meeseeks 4 Can do! I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Is he keeping his shoulders squared?

Meeseeks 3 Ooh, he's trying!

Cut to Rick and Morty on a table in a giant building

Rick All right, Morty. We're in your stupid giant's castle. What do we do next?

Morty Would you just relax, Rick? All we got to do is find the treasure room, okay? It's nice and simple. You know, I'm sorry everything's going so smoothly and adventurously.

A giant can be heard walking down the hall

Rick sarcasticUh-oh, Morty. Startin' to get a little hairy. What do you want to do, boss?

Morty Come on, hurry. Behind this cookie jar.

Giant Fee! Fi! Fo! Fum!

Rick Just give up, Morty. This is game over. I'll take us home right now. You just say the word.

Morty No way, Rick. This is all part of it. Adventures have conflict. Deal with it.

Giant I smell the blood of- whoop!the giant falls and cracks his head open on the table corner before hitting the ground

Morty Holy crap.

Rick Oh, boy. He looks pretty bad down there, Morty. Looks like he's bleeding out.

A giant woman walks in holding a baby

Giant woman Oh, Jesus! Dale! You sons of bitches! Oh, man. Hello, 911? My husband has been attacked by tiny people! He's dying!

Cut to Rick and Morty at a giant jail and getting mug shots

Detective Hey, look, we get it. You're little, you're down on your luck, you think, "hey, he's a giant. Why don't we break into his home, rob him, and murder him?"

Morty Th-th but that's not how it went down!

Detective Oh, well, it's going down like that. You're both going down like that.

Rick Ooh, boy, Morty, you're really showing me how it's done. Real straightforward and fun.

Cut to the Smith dinning room and living room where Jerry is still frustrated, while Summer and Beth look much happier

Summer Like, letting go of the need to be popular is what makes people like you.

Beth The most important love you can receive is from yourself.

Several meeseeks now fill the livingroom, trying to help

Meeseek Okay, Jerry, you got to just choke up on the club!

Jerry Well, which is it, choke up or follow-through?!

Meeseek Aww, come on, Jerry, we've been over this. You know you got to do both! This is as frustrating for us as it is for you.

Jerry Don't tell me that! That just puts pressure on me!

Meeseek Just try to relax.

Jerry You try to relax! Have you ever tried to relax?! It is a paradox! Jerry walks to the dinning room Ugh, these Meeseeks, huh? Kind of a handful. I can't imagine what you two must be going through.

Beth Our Meeseeks have been gone for hours, Jerry.

Jerry You're kidding me.

Beth Notice anything different?

Jerry I'm sorry. Hours?

Summer Dad, mom is a beautiful woman! Look at her! You will lose her!

Meeseek Uhh... Hey, Jerry, you mind if we get back to the task at hand? Meeseeks don't usually have to exist this long. It's getting weird.

Cut to Rick and Morty in a giant courthouse

Judge Order in the court! Before the jury reaches its verdict, I just want to say that I consider you both very guilty.

Rick sarcasticOh, great adventure, buddy. Rick and Morty go to giant prison. You know, if somebody drops the soap, it's gonna land on our heads and crush our spines, Morty. You know, it'll be really easy to rape us after that.

Morty We're gonna be okay, Rick.

Rick How? They took my portal gun. This is an open-and-shut case, Morty. You know, what do you think's gonna happen, some magical angel's gonna show up and then-the court doors burst open and a giant in a suit walks down the isle.

Giant Lawyer Fee! Fi! Fo! Fum! I smell the violation of civil liberties! Your honor, I'm from a tiny-persons advocacy group and I have here in my hand a motion to dismiss. These little men were never read their giant rights and are therefore free-fi to fo-home.

Murmers of confusion spread throughout the court

Rick W-what the hell is he talking about?

Giant Lawyer They're free to go, is what I meant. I'm deconstructing our our our thing we say. We're giants. Nobody got that? Whatever.

Morty Oh, man, what did I tell you, Rick? We did it!

Rick and Morty appear outside the courthouse

Rick All right, Morty, looks like the portal gun's still working. You ready to head home?

Morty Oh, yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you, Rick? Well, you know what? We're not bailing out just yet. You know, we're gonna go find some treasure or something and and we're gonna bring it to those villagers.

Rick Morty, cut your losses. This is obviously awash.

Morty Yeah, you were saying that back when we first got arrested, but here we are, you know, walking down the courthouse steps.

They look down the stairs and see that each step is as tall as a large building. The stairs seem to go on forever

Rick Oh, boy, Morty.

Morty Usually, walking down the courthouse steps is the easy part of the adventure.

Rick What do you say, Morty?

Morty I say give me a hand, sidekick.

Cut to the Smith livingroom. Dozens of meeseeks fill the room whinning, groaning and desperatly trying to help Jerry.

Jerry Everybody shut up! Let me try! Jerry swings and misses again Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!

Beth I'm going out.

Jerry Wait. What?

Beth Well, you're busy. I'm hungry. I thought I'd go out. Do you want me to be happy or do you want me to be in prison?

Jerry Whoa, whoa, where in the hell is, I'll take you to dinner.

All the Meeseeks AWWWWWWW!

Jerry Hey, you know what? It's hard being me, too. I'll be right there. Look, I've got a marriage to keep together. At this point, my golf swing is more your problem than mine.

Exit Beth and Jerry

Meeseek I can't take it anymore. I just want to die!

Meeseek (diff) We all want to die! We're Meeseeks! Why did you even rope me into this?

Meeseek (diff) 'Cause he roped me into this!

Meeseek (diff) Well, him over there, he roped me into this!

Meeseek (diff) Well, he roped me into this!

Meeseek (diff) Well, what about me? He roped me into this.

Meeseek (diff) Well, that one over there roped me into this.

Meeseek (diff) Well, he roped me into this.

Cut to Rick and Morty climbing down a step like it's a mountian

Rick Yeah, Morty, this is the part of the story everybody loves scaling down 650,000 oversized steps.

Morty All right, okay, you know, if this was a story, this part wouldn't be included, stupid. They see an opening in one of the steps Hey, Rick, what do you know? Look down there. Looks like some kind of tavern or something built right into the side of the step.

Rick and Morty appear in the tavern

Morty Oh, wow, Rick. Now, this is more like it. Look, there's little staircase-shaped people in here. All kinds of crazy characters. This place is great, you know? It's whimsical and fun.

Rick sees a creature staring at him

Rick What are you looking at, mother-

Morty Easy, Rick.

A strange looking waitress with large boobs greets them at their table

Waitress Pay them no mind. Those stair goblins can be moody. Now, what can I getcha? We've got skarlog poppies, flurlow, halzingers, bloogies, juicy time babies.

Rick Yeah, yeah, yeah, how about some scotch whiskey? You got any of that around here? Or just a bunch of nonsense words?

Morty Rick... We'll have two bloogies, please. And, uh, we were wondering, is there a faster way two heroes could get down these stairs?

Slippery Y'all need to ride down the stairs? My name is slippely-slippery stair. I'll take you down there for 25 shmeckels.

Rick 25 shmeckels? I don't know how much I don't know what that is. Is that a lot? Is it a little?

Waitress That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies.

Mr. Booby Buyer Hi, I'm Mr. Booby Buyer. I'll buy those boobies for 25 shmeckels.

Waitess It's a tempting offer, but I'm gonna have to decline.

Mr. Booby Buyer Rats! What a shame.

Rick Morty, your adventure's in a spiral. For real, man, time to pull out.

Morty You keep heckling my adventure, Rick! You know why?

Rick Uh, because it's lame?

Morty It's because you're petty! You know, how many times have I had to follow you into some nonsensical bull crap? I always roll with the punches, Rick. Why can't you? Look, I got to take a leak, and when I come back, if you haven't learned how to lighten up, don't be here!

Rick Whatever.

Cut to the Smith livingroom with all the Meeseeks

Meeseek It's become clear-look at me- that if we concentrate all our efforts on Jerry's follow-through, we will solve this problem. I'm Mr. Meeseeks.

Meeseeks * I'm Mr. Meeseeks. Look at me. The only thing that's clear is that choking up is the one true solution.

Meeseeks 3 Look at me. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. I've been trying to help Jerry for two days, an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked. I fear the worst.

Meeseeks Your failures are your own, old man. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. I say follow-through! Who's with me?! Follow-through!

A Meeseek spawns in another Meeseek

New Meeseek I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me!

Meeseek Kill him!

New Meeseek Hisssss! He attacks another meeseek

Cut to Morty in the bathroom

Mr. Jelly Bean How are you today? I'm Mr. Jelly Bean!

Morty Hi, Mr. Jelly Bean. I'm Morty. My grandpa and I are on an adventure.

Mr. Jelly Bean Nice. Is it a fun adventure?

Morty I hope so. But I'm starting to get nervous that maybe it's gone a little too far off the rails.

Mr. Jelly Bean Well, isn't that what adventures do?

Morty Hey, you know what? You're right. Everything's going fine. I just got to relax and go with the flow.

Mr. Jelly Bean Yeah. He rubs Morty's sholders

Morty Okay. Uh. B-bye.

Mr. Jelly Bean Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow!

Morty Stop. You're making me really uncomfortable.

Mr. Jelly Bean clearly wants to rape Morty

Mr. Jelly Bean aggresiveStop fighting me! Just let this happen!

Morty Get off of me!

MUSIC: Sweet home Alabama The fighting makes it to a stall

Morty Whoo! No! Stop! Please!

Mr. Jelly Bean Stop being such a tease, you sweet little-

Morty No! No!

Morty gets the upper hand and, in a frenzied attack, slams the toilet seat on Mr. Jelly Bean's head until he is knocked out Back at the Smith house even more Meeseeks have spawned and a full out battle has started. However, even the badly hurt Meeseeks cannot die because the have not completed their task

Meeseek Everybody sto-o-o-p! Look at me! My brothers, nothing will be accomplished by shedding Meeseeks blood. None of us can die until our job is done.

Meeseek (diff) The job can't be done! We'll never get two strokes off his game!

Meeseek No, we won't. But we will get all strokes off his game.

All other Meeseeks Where's he going with this? What's he mean?

Meeseek When we kill him!

Loud hooting and joy from the meeseeks crowd Cut to Jerry and Beth at dinner

Beth Jerry, maybe it's time I take that trip I always talk about.

Jerry Where would you go?

Beth I don't know, man. Italy. Greece. Argentina.

Jerry Countries known for their sexually aggressive men. Did I tell you how much I love your new haircut?

A loud noise is heard and the glass window breaks with a hoard of Meeseeks angrily storming in

Jerry What the heck?

Meeseek There he is!

Beth Run, Jerry!

Beth and Jerry lock themselves in a freezer with a small window in the door

Meeseek Come on out, Jerry!

Jerry Guys, I'll choke up. I'll follow through. I'll do whatever you tell me to do, okay?

Meeseek Oh, we're well past that, Jerry.

Cut to Rick at a card table with some other characters

Card Player Come on, Rick, quit stalling. What do ya got?

Rick Read 'em and weep, fellas! Morty comes back Oh, hey, Morty. Listen, I'm really sorry about all that stuff I said earlier about your adventure. I'm havin' a good time, Morty. It's not so bad.

Morty very stressedLet's just go home, okay? I'm calling it. The adventure's over.

Rick We can't leave now, Morty. I'm on fire!

Morty Look, I want to leave now. You win the bet, okay? Just give me the portal gun and let's go, please. Please, I just want to go home.

Rick sees the badly beaten Mr. Jelly Bean walk out of the bathroom and pieces together what happened

Rick Okay. Listen, Morty. I just won a bunch of shmeckels. Why don't we use 25 of them to pay slippery stair here for a ride back to the village, and then we'll give the rest of the shmeckels to the villagers, huh?

Morty Really?

Rick Sure, Morty. Yeah. You know, a good adventure needs a good ending.

Outside on the steps

Slippery Buckle up! He starts to take them down

Cut back to the freezer

Meeseek Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry! We are created to serve a singular purpose for which we will go to any lengths to fulfill! Existence is pain to a Meeseeks, Jerry. And we will do anything to alleviate that pain. Just ask... Meeseek grabs a woman Aah! ...what's your name, ma'am?

Woman Samantha. Please, mister! Give him what he wants!

Jerry Innocent people are going to die because of me. Why am I so mediocre?

Beth takes a stand, tears a pipe off of a rack, and grabs Jerry off the ground

Beth Jerry, turn around. Straighten your back. Bend your knees. Bend them. Square your shoulders. Take a deep breath. I love you.

Meeseek I'm counting to three, Jerry.

Jerry, using the pipe, hits a garlic clove into a pot

Samantha What the f-- is going on?

All Meeseeks He's got it! That's a lower handicap stro-o-ke!

All the Meeseeks stop existing except 1

Meeseeks Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game?

Samantha Oh, my God, oh, my God! What about your short game?!

Jerry puts some more garlic into a cup

Meeseek Ooh, nice! Stops existing

Jerry I think we'll take our food to go.

Owner No, you won't. The police are coming. You have so many questions to answer.

Jerry Fair enough.

Rick and Morty return to the village in triumph

The First Villager Thank you, kind sir. Our village is saved! You are both true heroes!

Rick Good job, Morty. Looks like you won the bet.

Morty Thanks, Rick, but I don't know if I should. You know, you were right about the universe. It's a crazy and chaotic place.

Rick Well, you know, maybe that's why it could use a little cleaning up every now and then, you know. This one's wrapped up neat and clean because we did it Morty style.

The First Villager Oh! Heroes, we would like to introduce you to our beloved king so that he may thank you personally.

The badly beaten Mr. Jelly Bean is carried to towards them on a thrown

Morty Uh, no, I-it's cool. Rick. Portal. Hurry.

They portal away, but Rick makes another portal back and sticks an energy pistol through it and shoots Mr. Jelly Bean, splattering him all over the screaming villagers Back at the Smith house

Jerry So... You still thinking about taking that trip?

Beth Jerry, look. We don't have a perfect marriage, but I'm not going anywhere. When we were in that freezer, I realized the Meeseeks are like the guys I went to high school with willing to say anything to "complete their task."

Jerry Was I one of those guys?

Beth The difference is you didn't disappear afterwards.

Jerry Well... I got you pregnant.

Beth Yeah...

Rick What the hell happened to this place?

Beth Uh, your Meeseeks box happened. They went crazy when they couldn't take two strokes off Jerry's golf game. He felt terrible.

Rick Hey, it's not my fault that Jerry's an idiot.

Beth Dad!

Jerry Is there anything you can do to clean this place up?

Rick Well, you know, I do have a Fleeseeks box.

Jerry No. No more boxes.

Rick What? It just has a mop and some floor wax in it. Wubba lubba dub dubs! Everyone laughs Yeah! That's my new thing! I'm kind of like what's his name Arsenio. Isn't that it's what Arsenio used to say on his show. Wobble gobba lop bops! Right? See you next week, everybody.

After the end credits at the village

Villager 1 I don't get it.

Villager 2 Sir, I think you're going to want to see this. We found it inside a lockbox inside king Jelly Bean's closet. A box of pictures of many young boys Mr. Jelly Bean molested We have to tell the people.

Villager 1 Wait. Destroy it. They set the box on fire Our people will get more from the idea he represented... than from the jelly bean he actually was.

They stare at a statue of Mr. Jelly Bean standing next to a young boy with his hand on his sholder Seek and Destroy1982

Ricksy Business

Author(s): Justin Roiland

Transcriber/Editor(s): A. Hall

Date Aired: 2015

Reference Name(s): Risky Business

Reference Date(s): 1983

This transcript is not yet available.

Risky Business1983

Close Rick-counters of the Rick Kind

Author(s): Justin Roiland

Transcriber/Editor(s): A. Hall

Date Aired: 2015-09-09

Reference Name(s): Close Encounters of the Third Kind

Reference Date(s): 1977

The Smith family is seen sitting around the table eating breakfast. The viewer at this point doesn't know that this scene is set in a dimension that is not Dimension C-137 with a different Smith family, but this will be apparent at the end of the scene.

Beth So dad, guess what tomorrow is...

Rick Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday.

Beth No... well, it might be...

Rick It is.

Beth Fine, but also, tomorrow is your one year anniversary back in our lives. I'm gonna make you flying saucer-shaped pancakes.

Rick Oh, there's no need to do that, Beth. Regular pancakes are fine.

A portal appears on their wall and Evil Rick and Evil Morty emerge from it carrying a gun and a tranquilizer respectively. Evil Rick shoots Rick in the head and kills him. Evil Morty shoots Morty in the shoulder with his tranquilizer and he passes out. Evil Morty then drags Morty across the breakfast table and he and Evil Rick drag Morty through the portal, and the portal disappears. The family screams in horror the entire time. Opening sequence plays The Smith family is seen sitting around the table eating breakfast. This scene takes place in Dimension C-137

Beth Happy anniversary, dad!

Rick Oh, I get it. Regular pancakes are already shaped like flying saucers. takes bite Mmm, I should be making you breakfast for putting up with me.

Jerry Should be making us a whole restaurant.

Beth Nonsense, we couldn't be happier to have you around. I just wish I got to see more of you.

Three armed Ricks come into the room through a portal

Rick 1 Rick Sanchez of Earth dimension C-137. You are under arrest for crimes against alternate Ricks by the authority of the transdimensional council of Ricks.

Jerry Hey! What the heck?

Rick 1 Neutralise the Jerry.

Jerry Wait, no!

Rick 2 shoots at Jerry, freezing him

Summer Dad!

Beth Dad!

Morty Rick!

Rick (C-137) Everybody relax. If I know these a-holes, and I am these a-holes, they just wanna haul me to their stupid clubhouse and waste my time with a bunch of questions. Let's get it over with.

Rick 1 Bring his mo-belches-orty.

Morty Oh, man.

Rick (C-137) Leave my belches Morty out of this!

Rick 1 You lost the right to have a say in these things when you refused to join belches the council.

Beth Wait, wh-wh-wh-what about Jerry?

Rick (C-137) Will you at least unfreeze my daughter's idiot?

Rick 1 unfreezes Jerry. Rick 2 and Rick 3 take Rick through the portal and all exit

Jerry -give you anything! I have a rare antique coin collection, just don't hurt me! pauses Okay, maybe not antique, but it was a limited minting. They have little R2D2s instead of George Washingtons.

Beth Our son's been abducted!

Jerry You hate me for buying those coins!

Trans. Ext Citadel of Ricks Trans. Int Citadel of Ricks. The three armed Ricks and C-137 Rick and Morty enter through a portal

Morty (C-137) Geez, Rick! Wh-what is this place?

Rick (C-137) The citadel of Ricks. It's the secret headquarters for the council of Ricks.

Morty (C-137) Council of Ricks?

Rick (C-137): As you know, Morty, I've got a lotta enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat. Galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government wh-wherever you find people with heads up their asses someone wants a piece of your grandpa. And a lot of versions of me on different timelines had the same problem. So a few thousand versions of me had the INGENIOUS IDEA OF BANDING TOGETHER like a herd of cattle or a school of fish or those people who answer questions on yahoo answers.

Morty (C-137) Hey, what do you know? It's a cowboy version of me!

Rick (C-137) Geez, you're easy to impress. Yeah, most timelines have a Rick and most Ricks have a Morty. This place is a real who's-who of who's you and me.

Rick Salesman 1 Turn your boring old Morty into a hot fashion statement, with some Morty dazzlers!

Rick Salesman 2 Hey, check this out!

Rick Salesman 2 holds up a Morty doll and presses a button in the middle

Morty Doll Show me the Morty!

Rick (C-137) Dumb.

Rick Salseman 3 ‘Scuse me, sir, is your Morty insured? You know, every year hundreds of Mortys are injured in-

Rick (C-137) Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place.

Trans. Hallway leading to the Council

Rick (C-137) I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick.

Rick 1 Save your anti-Rick speech for the council of Ricks, terror-Rick!

Rick (C-137) Hey, save your Rick rules for the belches sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig!

Rick 1 Fuck me, pal.

Rick (C-137) Fuck you? No no no no no, fuck me!

They reach the end of the hallway and the door opens automatically, revealing the council of Ricks

Rick Council 1 Bring up the holograms!

A screen depicting several dead Ricks appears

Rick Council 1 Twenty-seven Ricks brutally murdered in their own timelines. An unprecedented Rick-icidal epidemic. What say you, Earth Rick C-137?

Rick (C-137) You think I did this? Why am I the first Rick you pull in every time a Rick stubs his toe?

Rick Council 1 You belches have a history of non-cooperation with the council.

Rick (C-137) Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick! Wh-wh-wh-why isn't he here in handcuffs?

Rick Council 1 Because he's dead too!

Rick crowd No!

Rick Council 1 Who else would you have us question? You fit the profile. Of all the Ricks in the central finite curve, you're the malcontent. The rogue.

Rick (C-137) I'm the Rick. And so were the rest of you before you formed this stupid alliance. You wanted to be safe from the government so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me.

Rick crowd Can you believe this guy? This guy needs to get out of here, etc. Ad lib

Rick (C-137) Yeah, murmur it up, d-bags. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got pancakes back home with syrup on top of them. They're about to hit that critical point of syrup absorption that turns the cakes into a gross paste. And I hate to get all Andy Rooney about it, but I think we all like fluffy discs of cake with syrup on top! And I think we also like to be accused of crimes when there's evidence! So as they say in Canada, peace oot!

Rick Council 1 Evidence? Good idea. Scan his portal gun!

Rick 1 reaches into C-137's lab coat and retrieves his portal gun

Rick (C-137) Oh, come on. Don't look at another man's portal gun history. We-we all go to weird places.

Rick Council 1 Yes, but it appears you alone have been going to the exact timelines and locations in which the murders occured!

A diagram appears on the screen, displaying C-137's portal gun history. Entries for certain dimensions flash green before it finally settles on a select few which flash red

Rick (C-137) What? That's Rick-diculous. I'm obviously being set up!

Rick Council 1 Earth Rick C-137! The council of Ricks sentences you to the machine of unspeakable doom, which swaps your conscious and unconscious minds, rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you know becomes impossible to grasp. Also every ten seconds it stabs your balls.

Rick (C-137) I've heard enough.

C-137 elbows Rick 1 and tackles him into Rick 2, taking his gun and shooting through his own and then Morty's handcuffs. The two run away

Rick (C-137) Run, Morty!

A Morty from the crowd starts to run too

Crowd rick Uh uh, not you!

Trans. back to corridor. Rick and Morty (C-137) are running, and are being chased by Ricks

Morty (C-137) Aaaaah!

Rick shoots into the side walls with his portal gun. As the chasing Ricks pass, several of them get set on fire, attacked by insects, dragged into the portals by tentacles or hit by falling pumpkins

Armed Rick 1 Nooo!

Armed Rick 2 Arrrrgh! Ahhhh!

Armed Rick 3 Aaaah!

Armed Ricks 4 and 5 Oof!

The two reach the end of the corridor, which cuts off to a moveable ramp which is currently down and is blocked by a railing. They leap over. As they fall, Rick C-137 shoots a portal beneath them which they then fall through Trans. Buttworld. Rick and Morty C-137 fall through a portal onto a large butt mountain. They bounce off and continue running

Morty (C-137) Oh! Oooh!

Rick C-137 shoots a portal in between two buttcheeks, which they run through, with the other Ricks in hot pursuit Trans. Pizza dimension. A pizza sits on a couch dialing on a phone, while another is lying down on another couch

Pizza 1 Yeah, I'd like to order one large person with extra people please.

Pizza 2 White people. No no no no no, black people. And hispanic on half.

C-137 Rick and Morty run out of a portal and shoot another portal onto the opposite wall, then run through. The Ricks and Mortys chasing them follow Trans. Greasy grandma world. The dimension is full of greasy grandmas. A banner says “Welcome to greasy grandma world. Population: A whole lot, sonny!” C-137 Rick and Morty run through, avoiding the grandmas as much as possible. They shoot another portal in the wall and run through. The Ricks and Mortys chasing them follow Trans. Phone dimension. A phone sits on a pizza dialing on a person, while another is lying down on another pizza

Phone 1 Yes, I'd like to order one large sofa chair with extra chair please.

Phone 2 High chair. No no no no no, recliner! And wheelchair on half.

C-137 Rick and Morty run out of a portal and shoot another portal onto the opposite wall, then run through. The Ricks and Mortys chasing them follow Trans. Doopidoo dimension. Several doopidoo creatures stand around repeating the phrase “Doopidoo” over and over Rick C-137 shoots several portals into the wall, and enters the last one. The Ricks and Mortys chasing them enter the dimension but don't know which portal to go into

Armed Rick 6 They could have gone into any one of these.

Armed Ricks Ugh, son of a-, aw geez, aw man, we lost him, etc. Ad lib

Trans. Chair dimension. A sofa sits on a person dialing on a pizza, while another is lying down on another person

Sofa 1 Yeah, I'd like to order one large phone with extra phones please.

Sofa 2 Cellphone. No no no no no, rotary! And payphone on half.

C-137 Rick and Morty run out of a portal

Rick That'll keep ‘em belches busy for a while.

Morty Those guys were wrong, right? You don't- you wouldn't kill yourself... y-yourselves?

Rick ‘Course not, Morty! How could that profit me? Someone out there is killing Ricks, and the council ain't gonna stop thinking it's me until we clear our names.

The two pass a homeless sofa, who's initially drinking but stares at them as they pass and dumps out his bottle

Rick By finding the real Rick killer.

Morty I'm scared, Rick! Maybe we should go home and stockpile weapons like that show Doomsday Preppers.

Rick Not really my style, Morty. Besides, your home is most likely swarming with Ricks right now.

Trans. Smith living room. Jerry's reading a newspaper, Summer's on her phone, and a bunch of Ricks and Mortys are searching the place

Rick 1 Alright, listen, Jerry. If Rick calls, this device is going to trace his location. You just gotta keep ‘em on the phone for thirty seconds or longer.

Beth Who wants lemonade?

Rick 1 Oh yeah! Mmm! Oh, delicious!

Rick 2 Beth, belches you're a treasure.

Rick 3 I have a Beth just like you in my belches reality, except you know what? She's not as brilliant or belches attractive!

Beth Aww, thank belches you!

All Ricks Ohohoho! She did it! She did it!

Phone rings. Rick 4 makes a signal to say they're tracing the signal. Jerry picks it up

Jerry Uh, hello?

Rick (phone) Hey Jerry, it's Rick.

Jerry Rick! Heyy. Haha, what's- what's up?

Rick (phone) So listen, the heat's on and belches there's nowhere left to turn so Morty and I are just going to fly my spaceship into a black hole.

Jerry What?

Rick (phone) Is that cool with you, dog?

Jerry Rick, no! Mortyyyy!

Rick 4 I got it! The call's coming from... inside the house!

All Ricks laughing Look at his face! I can't believe our daughter married you, too easy, etc. Ad lib

Trans. Chair dimension. Rick and Morty are in a restaurant run by chairs

Rick The Ricks are probably gonna waste some time messing with Jerry. They won't be able to help themselves. But as soon as they get bored they'll be on to us.

Chair waiter Phones á la clams, and phonesgetti with phoneballs. Anything else?

Rick Yeah, more phonesticks please.

Phone waiter Right away, sir.

Morty You know Rick, when I first saw all those Ricks and Mortys, I thought ‘gee, that kinda devalues our bond.' But then I realised that just means that our relationship must be pretty special to span over all those different timelines.

Rick Yeah, it's gotta be that way. You're a camouflage.

Morty Camouflage? Wh-wh-what are you talking about, Rick?

Rick Ricks have a very distinct and traceable brainwave due to our genius. The best way to hide from an enemy's radar is to stand near someone with complementary brainwaves that make ours invisible. See, wh-wh-when a Rick is with a Morty, the genius waves get cancelled out by the uh, clears throat Morty waves.

Morty Um... because... our personalities are so different?

Rick Oh, shit dog! My portal gun was hacked remotely Morty, obviously by the real killer to frame me. But I was able to trace the signal. Come on, let's go!

The two stand up. As they're about to leave, two Ricks and a Morty enter the restaurant and address the waiter

Rick (C-137) Uh-oh!

Rick 1 ‘Scuse me, we've tracked a pair of dangerous criminals to this exact location. They look exactly like us, so in order to avoid confusion I'm going to mark us each with a red X right now. That way if someone has a gun and we both tell you to shoot the other one because they're the evil one, you'll know who's lying.

Rick 2 Hey, check it out!

Two person-chairs that look like Rick and Morty from behind are beside a table. When the two Ricks rush over to turn them around, it's revealed that they're not

Rick 1 Dammit!

They look out the window, to see C-137 flipping them off from in a police hovercraft. They rush outside, and the waiter follows

Chair waiter Hey, you didn't pay your bill!

Rick 1 The red X! Red X!

Trans. Green planet. Rick and Morty are flying in the police hovercraft, searching

Rick Hey, it's a good thing that space outlet had labcoats and your favourite kind of shirt in stock, huh Morty?

Morty Yeah, Rick. I-I heard you the first time. You don't have to keep saying it over and over and over.

Rick Man, this place is wayyy off the grid. This guy does not wanna be found.

Morty Well, if he's a Rick, doesn't he just have to stand by a Morty to hide? I mean, isn't that what Mortys are? Human cloaking devices?

Rick Morty, you're making a bigger deal out of this than it is.

In the distance a dome comes into view. Faint yelling can be heard

Morty Oh my god, Rick, look! There's a bunch of people strapped all over that building!

Rick Not people, Morty. Mortys.

As they get closer, it's revealed that the dome is covered top to bottom in naked Mortys, who are strapped to the surface and are being tortured with contraptions that stab their sides constantly. Constant Morty yelling can be heard

Morty (C-137) Oh my god... wh-why would somebody do this? It's horrible!

Rick Well, one Morty's enough to hide from the bureaucrats. But you g- you get a whole matrix of Mortys and put ‘em in agonising pain. That creates a pattern that can hide even from other Ricks, motherfucker. I fiddled with a belches concept like this once.

They land. Morty stares at Rick

Rick On paper, Morty, on paper! I wouldn't do this, it's barbaric overkill. I mean, you could accomplish the same result with like five Mortys and a jumper cable. pauses as Morty glares at him Which I also wouldn't do! I'm just saying, it's bad craftsmanship.

Trans. Smith living room. Ricks are playing cards while Mortys watch. Jerry's on his laptop

Beth Coffee time!

All ricks Yeah! That's what I like to hear! etc. Ad lib

The Ricks run into the kitchen, and the Mortys take the place of the Ricks on the cards table. Doofus Rick enters the house

Jerry Ugh.

Doofus Rick Hi Jerry!

Jerry Leave me alone, I'm working!

Doofus Rick Oh, you are? Wh-wh-what do you do?

Jerry Ugh. I'm- I'm in between advertising jobs.

Doofus Rick Advertising? Wow! So, people need help figuring out what to buy and then y-you help them?

Jerry W-well, it's a little more complicated than that...

Doofus Rick Well, I mean, you do it, and you seem like a guy that really has it all together!

Jerry Looks around for hiding Ricks Dude, are you... wh- you're being a dick, right?

Doofus Rick Oh gosh, wh- I hope not! I-I-I-I wouldn't want to offend you in any way!

Jerry You're really a Rick?

Doofus Rick Ohoho! Y-of course I am! Just as much as my Morty's a Morty!

Doofus Rick's morty waves to Doofus Rick from the poker table

Jerry Hey, he looks a lot like Eric Stoltz from the movie ‘Mask.' You know, the one with Cher in it?

Doofus Rick That's right, Jerry! He-he's from a reality where everyone is Eric Stoltz mask people! He's Eric Stoltz mask Morty! They assigned him to me because... I never had any kids of my own. But if I did, boy, I'd love ‘em if they were as smart and as successful as you are, Jerry.

Ricks return with coffee

Rick 1 Hey, get a load of this! Jerry's hanging out with doofus Rick.

Rick 2 Haha, this is perfect.

Doofus Rick I'm not doofus Rick! I'm Rick J-19-Zeta-7!

Rick 1 Oh, is that the timeline where everybody eats poop? Jerry, you know this guy eats poop, right?

Doofus Rick Hey! I don't eat poop! Y-you guys are always so mean to me!

Rick 1 and 2 laughing

Doofus Rick I guess it's only fair to tell you now, Jerry... I'm the worst Rick of them all.

Jerry According to who? Other versions of you? If I've learned one thing, it's that before you get anywhere in life, you gotta stop listening to yourself.

Doofus Rick Wow, you really are wise, Jerry. I-I guess that's why you work in advertising!

Jerry The fact that you feel that way makes you the best Rick of them all.

Trans. Int dome. Rick and Morty are exploring corridors

Morty You don't care about me at all! I'm no different than that jacket you've got on! Y-y-or-or your stupid portal gun! I'm just a tool! I-I'm just an object!

Rick Hey, it's your choice to take it personally, Morty. Now for the love of god, be quiet! The point of this is to get the drop on the guy!

Morty You know what Rick, I'll tell you something! I'm more than a human shield!

Rick Yeah, that's right! You are! You're a perfect impenetrable sheet of human armour, Morty! Because you're as dumb as I am smart! Which is why when I say ‘shut up' it's really good advice.

Morty tears up. A bunch of lobster-like aliens come out of the nearby corridors and surround them

Rick Great, nice work, Morty.

Rick starts attacking and kicking the aliens. He kills the first wave, but more surround them quickly

Rick Urrgh.

Evil Rick and Evil Morty emerge. Evil Rick is slow clapping

Evil Rick Ooh, look at you, C-137! You're- aren't you a tough customer?

Rick The slow clap? Really? Kinda played out, dude.

Evil Rick Not in this dimension it isn't. In fact, hah, I invented it and nobody else has ever even done it here before.

Rick Well lah-dee-dah. slow claps

Evil Rick Hey, that's mine!

Trans. Rick and Morty have been apprehended and are being carried down the corridor by lobster aliens

Rick I don't like the look of that Rick, Morty. We gotta escape.

Morty I'm not gonna help you, Rick. Y-you're a monster.

Rick Don't be Rickdiculous, Morty.

Morty W-will you stop saying that? It's stupid.

Evil Rick Take his Morty away.

Evil Morty Come with me.

Morty Yeah, gladly. Geez man, Ricks huh?

The two leave to the left. The view changes to another, smaller corridor, which the two walk down

Morty Hey man, you seem to know how this place works. Is there any way we can... shut down that grid and rescue all those Mortys out there?

Evil Morty It would be pointless. Mortys have no chance of defeating a Rick.

He opens a door

Evil Morty In here.

As Morty walks in, he sees it's filled with a crowd of scared, shivering Mortys. As he tries to leave, Evil Morty closes the door behind him, locking him in Trans. Evil Rick's lab. Rick is tied to an examination table. An array of computers and other devices are visible. Many of the Mortys from the outside of the dome are visible

Evil Rick Ahh, isn't it beautiful?

Rick Yeah, yeah, looks like payday at Neverland ranch in here. Zing!

Lobster alien Hehehehehehehehehe.

Rick That guy got it.

Evil Rick Ah-ah Rick, quiet. You're missing my symphony.

Evil Rick presses a button, allowing the sounds of the Mortys in pain to come through. He conducts it for a bit

Rick Hey, I'll take it over Mumford and Sons. Zip!

Lobster alien Hehehehehehehehehe.

Rick This guy is on it!

Evil Rick He's not laughing at your dumb jokes, Rick. That's just a random noise it makes every ten seconds.

Lobster alien Hehehehehehehehehe.

Rick Awww.

Evil Rick See, Rick, you're not as clever as you think you are. I wanted you to find me. We're not so belch different, you and I.

Evil Rick activates a display showing all the Ricks from different timelines

Rick Yeah, duh!

Evil Rick See this right here, Rick? I crunched the numbers, I created a spectrum of all the Ricks. I listed ‘em out from most evil to least evil. Here's where I am. And look at right here's where you are, Rick. This guy right here? Super weird.

Rick I get it. So you want me to team up with you to take down the council of Ricks, right? Is that where you're going with this? ‘Cause that's where I'd be going.

Evil Rick Please. I think I'm doing pretty good on my own. I'm simply going to download the contents of your brain, and then kill you.

Trans. Rick's garage. Doofus Rick is mixing chemicals and Jerry is watching

Doofus Rick: Okay, if we add a little more titanium nitrate, and just a tad of chlorified tartrate ovenless brownies!

Jerry takes a brownie, eats it and smiles

Jerry It's incredible what a gifted mind can accomplish when priorities are in order!

Doofus Rick Well, come on, I can't take all the credit, Jerry. It was your idea. C'mere Jerry!

Both hug and laugh

Jerry Hey, uh. C'mere, uh. I-I wanna show you something.

They exit the garage and Jerry pulls out a box, then opens it to reveal coins with R2D2s on them

Jerry Okay, look. Everybody makes fun of me for getting these, but... you're a genius scientist, what do you think? There's little R2D2s where the George Washingtons should be!

Doofus Rick You know Jerry, I'm not gonna tell you that these will increase in value, or even hold their current value. The truth is... you bought ‘em ‘cause you like ‘em. They have value to you. That's what matters.

Jerry tearing up How long are you staying?

Doofus Rick Until we find your Rick.

Jerry hugging doofus Rick I found mine. I found mine.

Trans. Morty prison. C-137 Morty is bashing at the door. He is approached by a group of Mortys wearing robes and facepaint

Morty (C-137) Help!

Religious Morty There is no escape, my son. We will find our peace in the next world.

Religious Morty offers C-137 a pamphlet titled “The Good Morty”

Morty (C-137) So what? Y-y-y-y-you're just going to give up?

Religious Morty We're giving in to the power of the One True Morty. One day he will return!

All religious Mortys Praise the One True Morty!

Morty opens “The Good Morty” to the first page, then scoffs and throws it away

Morty (C-137) Alright Mortys, listen up! My name is Morty Smith, from Earth dimension C-137! I know you're scared, because I'm scared, but that's no reason to accept our fate. We're Mortys! We're not defined by our relationships to Rick! Our destiny is our own!

Morty 1 This sounds like something the One True Morty might say. I'm sick of being a human shield! I-I-I-I wanna be a gardener!

Morty 2 I wanna write really crazy, intense action novels!

Hammer Morty I'm more than just a hammer!

Religious Morty He is the one true Morty! The one true Morty!

All Mortys Hooray!

The door opens, and a lobster alien walks in

Lobster alien Hey, keep it down!

All Mortys Raaaaugh!

The Mortys rush the door, breaking free and charging down the corridor Trans. Evil Rick's lab. Evil Rick is going through Rick's memories on a screen

Evil Rick You've lived quite a life, Rick. It's a real shame you're not gonna be around to see it through.

The memories change theme to feature Morty in each one. Rick tears up

Evil Rick You're crying? Over a Morty?

Rick No, I'm just allergic to dipshits.

Evil Rick Ugh, pathetic. We both know that if there's any truth in the universe, it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys.

The Mortys break through the door and rush at Evil Rick, killing the lobster aliens, surrounding him and tearing into him

Evil Rick Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do it!

Evil Rick dies. Morty C-137 appears and approaches Rick

Rick Morty! Get me out of this! Come on!

Morty (C-137) You're lucky I'm not a Rick.

Morty C-137 unbuckles Rick from the examination table

Rick Point taken, but this is belches no time for arcs.

He presses a button, disengaging the Morty shield. Mortys are released and pour down off the dome. Rick grabs a phone and rings home

Rick 1 Yeah, hello?

Rick (C-137) Hey, what do me and O.J. not have in common?

Rick 1 Huh? Wh-who is this?

Rick (C-137) I found the real killer, biitch! Get over here!

Trans. Jerry and doofus Rick are playing with legos. Rick 1 opens the door

Rick 1 Yo ding-dong! We're done here. Time to go.

Doofus Rick Well Jerry, I belches guess this means goodbye.

Jerry W-w-well, does it have to? Heh, you, you look just like Rick. We could maybe... you know... get rid of him? I'm not saying kill him, necessarily, I-I'm also not saying necessarily not kill him, but-

Doofus Rick Jerry. W-we both know it wouldn't work. It's time to go back to our lives. I love you, Jerry. I love ya.

Doofus Rick hugs Jerry and leaves. Jerry makes as if to follow him, then stops and punches a wall. The lego castle they built falls apart Trans. Evil Rick's lab. The Mortys are still fighting. Ricks from the citadel move in and stop each Morty, pulling them off Evil Rick's corpse and bringing them back to the citadel

Morty (C-137) Wh-wh-what's gonna happen to all these Mortys?

Council Rick 1 They'll go back to their families, attend school regularly, play video games, date girls... poor little Rickless bastards.

Trans. Citadel of Ricks. The council has gathered around C-137 Rick and Morty

Council Rick 1 Earth Rick C-137, the council apologises for its false accusation. And in the way of reparations for our terrible mistake, we would like to compensate you with this voucher for a free replacement Morty, in the event that belches your current belches Morty should-

Rick Uh, guys? Not a good time. Come on, Morty, let's hit it.

Before they leave, Rick takes the voucher anyway Trans. Citadel outside. Rick and Morty are walking away from the council

Morty Is it time for arcs yet, Rick? I did a pretty great job back there for a human cloaking device. Saved your ass.

Rick Alright, Morty, don't break an arm jerking yourself off.

Morty Man, I can't believe you, Rick! That right there! Tha-that was a great opportunity to show a little humanity. You know? To connect with me a little?

Rick Hey Morty, you want connection? Go be part of some stupid club like all those dumb Ricks. You know, maybe I don't connect because I'm the Rickest Rick there is. And you know, it would belch go without saying that the Rickest Rick... would have the Mortyest Morty.

Morty It would go without saying, huh?

Rick Yeah, it would. Did you hear me say it?

Morty Nah... to himself The Mortyest Morty...

Rick Just don't get too big for your loafers, Buster Brown. A cocky Morty could lead to some big problems. Could be a real bad thing for everybody.

Morty Oh yeah, how's that?

Rick I-I-I'll explain when you're older.

Trans. Evil Rick's lab. Evil Rick is lying in a pool of blood being inspected by Ricks. For the Damaged Coda by Blonde Redhead starts playing in the background

Rick 1 What a mess...

Rick 2 Pride cometh before the fall. I guess he got what he deserved.

Rick 1 What is that?

Rick 1 turns Evil Rick's head over to reveal wires

Rick 2 Hand me the laser defibrillator.

Doofus Rick Hey guys! Uh, c-can I help?

Rick 2 No! Go clean the toilets! Maybe you'll make friends with some turds!

Rick 1 You make us ashamed to be ourselves!

Rick 2 removes the top of Evil Rick's head to reveal electronics woven into his brain. They pull out a chip

Rick 1 My god! I've seen this technology before! This Rick was being controlled remotely, puppeteered by somebody else. This is the receiver!

Rick 2 Yeah, but where's the transmitter?

Trans. Citadel of Ricks. Mortys are being loaded into spaceships to be delivered to their respective dimensions Evil Morty follows them, and removes his eyepatch, revealing the transmitter. He crushes it underfoot and hides the wires, then follows the rest of the Mortys Credits play After credits scene: Jerry is sitting in Rick's bedroom, trying not to cry. Rick enters.

Rick Wubbalubbadubdub! Oh. Hey Jerry. Wh-wh-what are you doing in my room, buddy?

Jerry Nothing! I was just, um, checking the smoke detectors.

Rick Alright. Okay, get out.

Jerry leaves and goes down to the dining room. He looks outside the window and sees doofus Rick standing in the rain and smiles. Rick appears beside Jerry

Rick What's that dipshit doing out there? Are you friends with him? You know he eats his own shit, right? Oh my god, this is rich! I've got like belches ten Ricks to call right now!

Episode ends Close Encounters of the Third Kind1977

M. Night Shaym-Aliens!

Author(s): Justin Roiland

Transcriber/Editor(s): A. Hall

Date Aired: 2015-09-04

Reference Name(s): The Iron GiantAqua Teen Hunger Force

Reference Date(s): 19992000

Open Int. Rick's garage. Rick is dissecting a rat.

Rick T-t-t-this is just sloppy craftsmanship.

Morty Hey, Rick. Boy, sure is really especially beautiful out there today, huh?

Rick Oh, yes, Morty. It's almost unbelievable, isn't it?

Morty Yeah, you know? There's something about the air. And just the way the sunshine is.

Rick Oh, sure, buddy. Yeah. Sure. B-brilliant. Very convincing.

Morty Wh… convincing?

Rick Oh! Responsive, too! In real time! I love it!

Morty Uhhokay.

Beth robotic I'm going to work. Morty, good morning. Dad, good morning. I am going to work. Goodbye. Beth drives away.

Morty What's with Mom?

Rick Oh, what's with Mom? So, you're saying that she's acting weird? How soph—burp—isticated. Careful, guys. You're gonna burn out the CPU with this one.

Morty Okay, you know what, Rick? You're acting weird, too.

Rick Whatever, quote-unquote "Morty."

Morty Alright, well I'll see you after school. Walks into the side of the garage. Ow! Oof! Ugh! Damn it! I'm all right. I'm okay.

Trans. Morty's math class

Mr. Goldenfold Alright, who can tell me what 5 x 9 is? Students whisper. Morty?

Morty Uh, me?

Mr. Goldenfold What is 5 x 9?

Morty Um, you know, it's, uh, at least 40.

Students gasp.

Mr. Goldenfold Morty, that's exactly correct! 5 x 9 is at least 40! Come up here.

Students cheer.

Jessica Whoo! Way to go, Morty!

Mr. Goldenfold Everybody, this is the best student. I want you to be the teacher today. sits down at a desk Teach us, Morty!

Rick spying from outside Interesting…

Morty W-w-w-what do you want me to teach you?

Student Ooh, ooh! How do you make concentrated dark matter?

Mr. Goldenfold Oh, that's a good question.

Morty Concentrated huh?

Mr. Goldenfold Concentrated dark matter. The fuel for accelerated space travel. Now, do you know how to make it?

Morty Uhhh…

Jessica Come on, Morty. Isn't your grandpa, like, a scientist?

Morty Oh, yeah, but, you know, he told me that I shouldn't go around spouting off about, you know, his science and stuff.

Jessica I bet you've seen him make concentrated dark matter a lot. You know, if you tell us, I'll be your girlfriend.

Morty Uh, y-you will?

Mr. Goldenfold Seems like a rare opportunity, Morty.

Rick kicks open the door Morty, u-uh, come on. There's a family emergency.

Rick grabs Morty by one arm. Mr. Goldenfold grabs the other.

Mr. Goldenfold Stop right there! If he leaves, I'm giving him an F!

Rick He doesn't care.

Morty Aw, man! Rick drags him to the locker room. Rick, I have to go back! I think I was about to get married! falls down Ugh!

Rick Take a shower with me, Morty.

Morty What?!

Rick Listen to me, Morty. Get your clothes off and get in the shower right now. strips Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Morty.

Morty Ugh! I'm gonna get an F in class, Rick. strips

Rick Morty, that's not class. T-t-t-that wasn't your teacher. This isn't your school. This entire world is not the world. We're inside a huge simulation chamber on an alien spaceship.

Morty Wait a minute. W-what are you talking about?

Rick It's all fake burps Morty, all of it. Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of… crazy, fake nonsense, Morty. I couldn't say so until we got in the shower. They won't monitor us in here.

Morty Monitor us?! looks around and tries to cover himself W-who?!

Rick Zigerion scammers, Morty. The galaxy's most ambitious, least successful con artists. You know, it's lucky for us they're also really uncomfortable with nudity.

Morty Aw, come on, Rick. If everyone's just gonna be insane today, at least let me be insane with Jessica.

Rick I can't let you do that, Morty.

Rick grabs Morty's clothes and they begin fighting over them.

Morty Give it to me!

Rick No! You give it to me!

Morty G-g-give it!

Rick Morty, come on! Morty!

Morty No, Rick!

View of simulated world expands out to reveal they're in an enormous spacecraft. Trans. Zigerion control room Zigerions groan and look away from the monitors with disgust.

Zigerion 1 Oh, god, sir! They're still naked! Ugh.

Prince Nebulon Well, check every five quintons and tell me when they're not!

Zigerion 1 I think we should make Kevin look, sir.

Kevin What?! No! W-w-why would you even say that?

Stu Uh, sir, we have a situation over here.

Prince Nebulon If there's a wiener on that monitor, I swear to god, Stu.

Stu Something is drawing a lot of processing power. Oh, wait. No wonder. Jerry appears on a large screen. There's another real human in the simulator.

Jerry Okay, Jerry, big pitch meeting. Make-or-break time. trims nostril hairs while driving You can do this.

Prince Nebulon How did this happen?! Where's the Abductions Department?

Zigerion 2 Hey, man, Abductions just follows the acquisition order.

Zigerion 3 Don't put this on Acquisitions! We only acquire humans that haven't been simulated!

Kevin Well, Simulations doesn't simulate anybody that's been abducted, so—

Prince Nebulon Oh, I see! Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait no. shouts There's still another human in here! Who is he?

Stu Rick's son-in-law, Jerry Smith. So far, he hasn't noticed he's in a simulation.

Prince Nebulon sighs Well, cap his sector at 5% processing, keep his settings on auto, and we'll deal with him later. Rick Sanchez is the target.

Trans. Jerry's car

Jerry inhales deeply Gotta relax. It's just a pitch. Gotta relax.

He turns on the radio.

Radio This is earth radio. And now, here's…human music.

Repetitive rhythmic beeping.

Jerry Hmm. Human music. I like it. rocks head side to side in rhythm with the music

Pan out to see Jerry's sector of the simulation, followed by a transition to Rick and Morty's. Rick and Morty pant as they run naked down the street. Rick shoves their clothes into a sewer.

Morty Rick!

Rick Uhp, uhp, uhp! Morty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Morty. Do you really think this world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look, that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs.

Morty I don't know, Rick. I mean, I've seen people do that before.

Rick Well, look at that old lady. She's, she's walking a cat on a leash.

Morty Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick.

Rick Look, I-I-I don't wanna hear about Mrs. Spencer, Morty! She's an idiot! Alright, alright, there. W-what about that, Morty?

A Poptart walks out of a toaster house and into a toaster car before driving away.

Morty Okay, okay, you got me on that one.

Rick Oh, really, Morty? Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before?

Morty No, no. I haven't seen that. I mean, why would a Poptart wanna live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, that would be, like, the scariest place for them to live. You know what I mean?

Rick You're missing the point, Morty. Why would he drive a smaller toaster with wheels? I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No.

Morty So, why are they doing this? W-what do they want?

Rick Well, that would be obvious to you, Morty, if you'd been paying attention.

Siren wails. Ambulance drives up to them and the doors open.

Paramedic We got the president of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die!

Rick slams the ambulance doors shut and starts walking off.

Morty Concentrated dark matter! They were asking about that in class.

Rick Yeah, it's a special fuel I invented to travel through space faster than anybody else. These Zigerions are always trying to scam me out of my secrets, but they made a big mistake this time, Morty. They dragged you into this. Now they're gonna pay!

Morty Wait, wha, w-w-what are we gonna do?

Rick We'll scam the scammers, Morty. And we're gonna take them for everything they've got.

Trans. Ext. Ad agency Trees flicker with a static noise

Jerry National Apple Farmers of America…

Trans. Int. Ad agency

Jerry Welcome to our ad agency. I'm Jerry Smith. Audience stares blankly.

Alright. I'll just get to the pitch. Um, simple question, gentlemen, hoarsely

what are apples? clears throat

Excuse me. drinks some water

Ahh. coughs, clears throat What are apples? pulls poster board to the front of the room Apples are food. And when do we need food? When we're hungry. Audience stares blankly. With that, I give you your new slogan! Flips paper to reveal sign saying "Hungry for Apples?" Audience continues staring. Well, say something! Do you like it?

Mr. Marklevitz Yes.

Jerry You do?

All Yes.

Jerry So I sold it? I sold the idea?

All Yes.

Jerry Oh my god! Thank you!

All shaking each others' hands Thank you. You're welcome.

Trans. Ext. Ad agency "Baker Street" plays as Jerry slides down a handrail.

Jerry Hey! I just sold my first pitch!

Old man Slow down!

Woman Lookin' good.

Mailman My man!

Jerry dials on his cellphone. As he walks, he passes the same three people repeatedly.

Simulation Beth at Simulation Smith house answers phone Hello.

Jerry Guess who just sold the apples campaign.

Simulation Beth Who just sold the apples campaign?

Jerry Me! I guess it wasn't a rip-off of "got milk?" after all. Guess someone was wrong.

Simulation Beth Yes.

Jerry Well, all is forgiven, because right now, I've got an erection the size of an East Coast lighthouse, and I'm coming home to share it with my beautiful wife.

Simulation Beth Okay.

Jerry Wait, really?

Simulation Beth Yes.

Jerry Yes! See you in 10 minutes! hangs up, shouts Hey! I'm going to make love to my wife!

Woman Lookin' good.

Old man Slow down!

Mailman My man! glitches into a tree

Trans. Backstage Rick is decked out in chains and adjusts his clothes to look more disheveled.

Morty Aw, geez, Rick. I-I don't know if I like this plan,you know? I mean, crowds, t-t-t-they have a tendency to make me really nervous.

Rick Morty, relax. It's just a bunch of 1s and 0s out there. You're gonna be fine. Lowers Morty's pants slightly and puts a hat on him. Just follow my lead. Rick and Morty fist bump. Yo, deejay, drop that beat.

Trans. Stage in park Hip-hop beat plays. Crowd cheers.

Rick Uh-oh, Morty. This crowd looks too small for one of our famous rap concerts. I don't think we can perform our new song, "The Recipe for Concentrated Dark Matter," for a crowd this tiny.

Morty You got that right, Rick.

Hordes of people appear from all directions and congregate in the park.

Rick Now that's more like it! Morty, here we go. Let me hear everybody say "hey-oh!" yeah! Crowd cheers. All the ladies say, "yeah!" Ladies cheer. Everybody over thirty, do this with your hands! Everybody with a red shirt, jump up and down! People start glitching.

Trans. Smith house

Jerry kisses Beth, who is still in front of the phone Mm. Mm. Mm. Yeah, don't move. Mm, mm, mm, mm! Mm!

Trans. Park

Rick Yo, everyone whose first name begins with an "L" who isn't Hispanic, walk in a circle the same number of times as the square root of your age times ten! Simulation freezes. Rick and Morty jump offstage. Run, Morty! Before the system reboots!

Trans. Ext. Smith house.

Jerry Yeah! You like that? Now who's unremarkable? You hungry for apples? Are you hungry for apples?!

Trans. Beth and Jerry's bedroom. Jerry lies in bed beside Beth, who is frozen in place.

Jerry Oh, my god. That's the best sex I've ever had in my life. It's… it's too good. I don't deserve this, Beth. I'm a fraud.

Trans. Rick and Morty running through frozen simulation.

Morty Oh, man, Rick! W-w-w-where we running to?

Rick Out of the simulation, Morty. Normally, the chamber operates like a treadmill, with the virtual world disappearing behind us and being rendered in front of us as we move through it, but while it's frozen, Morty, we can get to…the edge. Here we go. jumps off the edge

Morty Holy crap!

Rick Come on, Morty.

Morty jumps off edge

Trans. Control room

Zigerion Sir, they're over the edge.

Prince Nebulon Yes, they are. Just as planned. evil laughter, others join in Oh, this is going to be such a mindfuck!

Trans. Corridor in spacecraft

Rick Keep your eyes peeled for the central processing room, Morty. That's how we're gonna scam these idiots.

Morty So, hey, why do these aliens keep coming after you, Rick, if you're so much smarter than them?

Rick It's an obsession for them at this point. The Zigerions have been trying to outsmart me for years, Morty. Every time they do, I'm one step ahead of them. finds central processing room Aha! Here we go. starts collecting chips Grab as many processors as you can carry, Morty. These guys aren't good at much, but they're really good at making these chips.

Morty I've got so many, I can barely hold them all! holding chips in his shirt Look at, look at this. Oops. I dropped one.

Rick Don't worry about it, Morty. There's plenty of them, you little goofball. Both laugh and toss chips at each other playfully. Come here, Morty! Oh, I gotcha!

Morty Come on, quit it, Rick! Quit it!

Rick Nothing wrong with just a little bit of horseplay every now and then, little fella.

They sneak towards the escape pods. Rick throws a chip and distracts the guards while they steal a pod and fly away.

Morty Wow. What do you know? Huh. That was easy.

Rick Totes malotes, dawg.

Morty Just kind of hard to believe, you know?

Rick Believe it, Morty. And once again, I'm flying away with everything I can carry, and the Zigerions got nothing of mine.

Trans. Jerry's boss's office

Jerry Mr. Marklevitz, do you have a minute to talk?

Mr. Marklevitz snaps fingers Yes.

Jerry Look, I'm a fraud. I mean, let's face it. "Hungry for apples" is just a rip-off of "Got milk?" It's almost identical.

Mr. Marklevitz snaps fingers Yes.

Jerry Okay. I deserve that. Um, I guess I'll just pack up my desk.

Mr. Marklevitz snaps fingers Yes.

Jerry crying Oh my god. Wait. You know what?! No! The milk people don't have a patent on simple rhetorical questions! Y-You— There's not even a single word in "Hungry for Apples" that's shared by "Got milk?" It's a completely different slogan. It's different! And I shouldn't be fired. I should be promoted!

Mr. Marklevitz snaps fingers Yes.

Jerry Yeah! Wait. Really?

Mr. Marklevitz snaps fingers Yes.

Jerry Yes! I mean, it may be derivative, but it's the most successful campaign to come out of this agency in a long time.

Mr. Marklevitz snaps fingers Yes.

Jerry I-I'm not saying it should win an award for commercials, but it could certainly be nominated for an award for commercials specifically about apples, like an Appley or something.

Mr. Marklevitz snaps fingers Yes.

Jerry Is there really an award called the Appley for apple-related ad campaigns?

Mr. Marklevitz snaps fingers Yes.

Jerry Could we nominate me?

Mr. Marklevitz snaps fingers Yes.

Jerry Holy crap!

Jerry runs out. Mr. Marklevitz glitches. Trans. Ext. Smith house Rick and Morty get out of the escape pod and head into the garage with the chips.

Rick Get in, Morty. I'm gonna be able to use these processors to make some real important science stuff. Keypad beeps. Huh. I thought I entered the code right. Keypad beeps.

Second level simulation vanishes.

Prince Nebulon Well, what's this? W-what could this possibly be? Because it looks like you're inside a simulation…inside a simulation. You're still on the ship. Game-day bucket go boom!

Cynthia Sir, the, uh, doctor's appointment to examine the discoloration on your butthole flaps was—

Prince Nebulon Too loud, Cynthia. Too loud and too specific.

Rick Uhh…

Prince Nebulon We've known how to make concentrated dark matter for a long time. But now we also know the code to your fabled safe, Rick Sanchez! All your most valuable secrets will now be ours!

Rick Uh, yeah, until I get home before you and change the combination, you bunch of idiots!

Prince Nebulon That is why you're never getting home. Get them!

Guards try to grab Rick and Morty. Rick pulls down Morty's pants and all the Zigerions back away in disgust.

Rick RUN MORTY!

Morty pulls up his pants. They run through the spacecraft and are chased by Zigerions.

Morty Oh my god!

Trans. Appley Awards

Jerry I got to tell you, this morning, I didn't even know this award existed. Now I'm holding one. And, um… Look, I want to say that today was the best day of my life But the truth is, it's, it's more meaningful than that.

Mailman My man!

Jerry Yes. Thank you, sir. I am finally complete!

Everyone glitches into the mailman.

Mailmen My my my my man!

Simulation continues glitching badly.

Jerry Aah! What the hell?! Appley award glitches out of existence. No.

Rick and Morty run into the room.

Rick Jerry?!

Morty Dad!

Rick What are you doing here? W-why are you dressed like a waiter? Screw it. We don't have time. Come on. starts dragging Jerry with them

Jerry sobbing No!

Chase continues. The three make it onto a spaceship.

Rick Man up, Jerry! I may need you to work the lasers.

Morty Oh, man! They're hot on our tail, Rick!

Rick I guess they really do have concentrated dark matter.

Morty Well, you know how to make it, too, right, Rick?

Rick Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, check the engine room. We just need cesium, Plutonic quarks, and bottled water.

Morty Whoa! It's all here, Rick!

Rick Wow, Morty. Lucky break. Grab that bucket. Okay, two parts Plutonic quarks, one part cesium.

Morty Okay. Uh-huh. Alright.

Rick Now empty the water bottle into the bucket and pour it all into the fuel tank so we can get the hell out of here! What are you doing, Morty?! There's no time!

Morty freezes up

Rick Oh, no.

Simulation breaks down...again.

Jerry What the…?

Rick No!

Prince Nebulon laughing Oh my god, Rick. How dumb are you? You're inside a simulation of a simulation…inside another giant simulation! laughs harder W-we never had the recipe for concentrated dark matter. But we do now! We do now, sucka!

Rick You simulated my grandson's genitalia?! Y-y-you bunch of diabolical sons of bitches!

Zigerion 1 Kevin fought real hard to supervise that project.

Kevin You said you weren't gonna tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, am I?

Rick All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful. You win. Can we go home now?

Zigerion 1 I don't know. Can you?

Prince Nebulon Ha! fist bumps

Nice. Okay, okay. Show this gullible turd to his shuttle. I'm done with him. Oh, wait. Let me get a picture. snaps a selfie of himself with Rick Aww. Look at his face. He's trying to figure out if He's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick? Are you? laughs, walks away You're not. walks back Or are you? Rick and Jerry leave. shouts after them Oh, a-and, by the way, I don't have discolored butthole flaps. That was part of the simulation.

Cynthia Oh. Uh, sir, should I cancel that appointment, then?

Prince Nebulon loudly Yeah! Of course you should! to Cynthia No, keep it. Move it up, actually, if you can.

Trans. Shuttle to Earth

Rick Hey, Jerry, don't worry about it. So what if the most meaningful day of your life was a simulation operating at minimum capacity?

Jerry You know what, Rick? Those guys took you for a ride, too. You should try having a little respect for the dummies of the universe, now that you're one of us.

Rick Maybe you're right, Jerry. Maybe you're right.

Trans. Zigerion space craft, control room The Zigerions are celebrating their victory with a party.

Prince Nebulon All right, everybody. Two parts Plutonic quarks… One part cesium…. A-and listen, I'm sorry for shouting earlier. I-I couldn't ask for a better staff. I love you guys, and I love all your families. readies water bottle And the final ingredient…

Zigerion spacecraft explodes. Trans. Shuttle to Earth Jerry looks behind them, shocked.

Jerry Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there?

Rick Why don't you ask the smartest people in the universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. You can't. They blew up.

"Baker Street" plays. Rick vocalizes the saxophone part. Trans. Int. Ad agency Jerry pitches "Hungry for Apples" in reality.

Jerry So… What do you think?

Mr. Marklevitz You're fired.

Jerry Wha--? But t-this idea was tested in a state-of-the-art simulation.

Mr. Marklevitz Well, then, it was a terrible simulation. Get out.

Jerry hangs his head and leaves.

Mr. Marklevitz Man, how does a guy like that go home and have sex with his wife?

Trans. Morty's bedroom

Rick Hey, Morty.

Morty What?

Rick Hey, little buddy. H-h-how you doing in here right now?

Morty Aw, geez, Rick. What are you doing, man?

Rick Y-y-you're a good kid, Morty. Y-you're a real l-little c-character, Morty.

Morty Oh, boy.

Rick You know, I had a really rocky road today, M-Morty. You're my little friend, aren't you? We had some good times together, huh, M-Morty? We You're a real true hero out in the field. You're a... You're a real trooper, huh, M-M-Morty?

Morty Have you been drinking, Rick?

Rick I really appreciate you, Morty.

Morty O-okay, cool. A-alright, Rick

Rick suddenly aggressive, holds a knife to Morty's throat You little son of a bitch! Y-y- are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?!

Morty No! No! No!

Rick You little son of a bitch!

Morty terrified, gasps

Rick lowers the knife

Rick I-I-I'm sorry, Morty. Y-you're a good… You're a good kid, Morty.

Morty Geez!

Rick Y-you're a good… You're a good kid. passes out

Morty Oh my god!

Rick snores

Morty W-w-what the hell? What a life.

The Iron Giant1999Aqua Teen Hunger Force2000

Rest and Ricklaxation

Author(s): Justin Roiland

Transcriber/Editor(s): D. Lint

Date Aired: 2015

Reference Name(s): Star Wars Episode IV: A New HopeStar Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi

Reference Date(s): 19771983

friend So, Jessica, I heard you broke up with Brad.

Who are you gonna date now that you can date anyone?

jessica I don't know.

I mean, obviously if someone special comes along B-But I mean really special, like, nothing I've even remotely considered in the past.

morty Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit.

jessica I want that kind of love like that docking kind of love.

rick Oh, yeah.

Like, penis in the foreskin kind of love Mm-hmm just, like, warm, just like He Everybody [bleep] off.

Morty, I need your help.

W-W-W-We We need to go on a quick adventure.

morty You said I could go to school today.

rick That was before I needed something, Morty.

There's a plasma shard in the Abadango Cluster.

A princess has it.

If I get it, I'll be awesome.

rick We've been going non-stop, Rick.

It's not healthy.

You know, these are my teenage years.

I-I just found out Jessica's single.

Oh, that's Wow, Morty.

Wow.

What an exciting life you lead.

Let's go.

In and out, 20 minutes adventure.

rick They're on our tail! Steady, Morty.

Five cetons.

Steady, God damn it! Two cetons.

Wha! Fire! Pull up, Morty, pull up! Pull up! [ Bleep ] Oh, [Bleep] [ Bleep ] Ahh! Ahh! I can't [bleep] do this anymore! That was seriously [bleep] up.

rick We almost died.

morty So you agree?

rick [Bleep] yes! That w T-This was insane! That was pure luck.

I was not in control of that situation at all.

Look at this, Morty.

Look at my [bleep] hand.

Look at this shit.

morty Why do you keep doing this to us?!

rick I don't know, Morty.

Maybe I hate myself, maybe I think I deserve to die.

I-I-I-I don't I don't know! We need a vacation.

[opening credits]

rick Isn't that something?

morty You were right Best day spa in the galaxy.

rick It's not even cruel, either.

These things are just doing what they do in the wild It loves swallowing stressed-out creatures for 20 minutes and then puking them up.

morty My whole body's like a baby's ass.

spa employee Complimentary psychological detox? Removes all your cognitive toxins, purifies your system.

rick Oof, this guy on commission or something?

morty I don't think

rick Are you on commission?

spa employeeWe're not on commission. We get paid by the hour. There's no incentive really

rick Oh, my God.

Okay, listen W-W-W-We'll try the machine, but but I'd like you to try something.

Try swallowing the giant ball of snot that's dangling around in the back of your throat.

It's disgusting.

Nobody wants to hear that.

That's what you do.

morty Okay, Rick, come on.

Enough.

rick Man, did you hear me bite that guy's head off? Geez, I really need to chill.

morty Maybe you should go through twice.

rick All right, mister comedy man, you don't have to bust my balls.

You're not helping things.

morty Rick, is this thing supposed to be making this

rick Morty! -

morty Ri-Rick -

rick Morty!

morty What happened?

rick We blew up, idiot! Are you really that stupid? Obviously the guy I yelled at overloaded the machine.

It takes more than that to kill Rick and Morty, mother[bleep]! But this might do it.

rick Run, Morty!

morty E-Everything hurts!

rick That's because you're worthless!

morty Jesus, how big was this explosion?

rick I'm a genius.

I don't have time for this [bleep].

morty W-W-We're in Hell, aren't we, Rick? -

morty You're so stupid, Morty.

- You're an idiot.

There's no such thing as Hell.

morty I believe you, but I just want to die.

rick You can die when I say so.

I control you.

I control the universe! Why am I bragging about that? I have nothing to prove.

I'm surrounded by inferior pieces of [bleep] and Toxins.

We're not in Hell, Morty.

We're in the detoxifier.

The machine didn't blow up.

It worked normally.

It removed our toxins.

We're the toxins.

Are you listening, you stupid little garbage person?! We're what got removed!!

spa employee I hope you both found that detox sufficiently relaxing.

rick Hey, man, listen Those comments I made about your throat?

spa employee It's all good.

rick It's nice of you to let me off the hook.

It's still unacceptable behavior, and I do regret it.

spa employee Believe me, man, I've been working here a long time.

I get it.

morty Hey, uh, you mind if I put on some music?

rick Not at all. Grab my terrifolds What is that?

morty I just hit shuffle.

rick Are you kidding? -This universe. Oh, excuse me.

morty We should listen to one random song a day, you know? We'd end up hearing more songs we didn't like, but we'd discover a lot more that we did.

rick That is an interesting concept.

You know, it makes me wonder if there's an algorithmic expression that could achieve the ideal ratio.

Listen to me Trying to calculate happiness over here.

morty Hoo, if anyone could, Rick.

rick Hey, here's something no science could measure I'm real proud to be your grandpa, Morty.

morty Thanks, Rick.

I love you.

rick Yeah, mother[bleep]! Yeah! Get it! Get some! Right up your [bleep] bitch ass, you [bleep]! Guess who just discovered a new element?! You think you could do that, Morty? You think anyone but me could do that ever in a billion years? Do you think if God existed he could do it? The answer is no.

If God exists, it's [bleep] me.

morty Yes, Rick. I-I agree, Rick.

rick While you were flapping your parasitic turd holster, I discovered the toxic equivalent of electricity, Morty.

What do you think about that?

morty Uh I th I think my voice is annoying.

rick It is, and it's your best quality.

morty So true.

math teacher Now, who can tell me the common denominator of these two factions? You don't know or y'all just bored?

morty Hey, listen, you know, wha If we're all bored over here, wouldn't the common denominator be you?

math teacher Damn, Morty. That's hilarious. Normally I would come down on any kind of disruption, but it seems to represent a positive change for your character.

Class dismissed! -

kid1 Awesome, Morty! -

kid2 You done good, Morty.

kid3 Oh, yeah! Thanks for the advice, Morty.

morty You got it.

kid4 I did it, Morty!

morty I knew you could.

mitch Hey, Morty, remember yesterday when I couldn't play the trombone? Well, check this out!

morty Just like I told you, Mitch The music was in your heart the whole time.

goth girl Stupid hat Wish I had the courage to just be myself.

There you are.

jock You might have all these idiots fooled, but I know you're still the same pathetic loser hiding behind a confident facade.

I know that because I'm doing the same thing, brother.

I'm not alone anymore!

jessica Hey, Morty.

Word around school is you've become super healthy.

morty I don't know about all that.

I do, however, know that I have a pretty bad case of haven't taken you to dinner-itis.

Might be fatal.

rick Hey, kids.

Uh, hope I'm not interrupting.

Morty, a moment of your time?

morty Happy to help, Rick.

rick I hate to bug you with this, but after our morning hike I started receiving very faint, highly unusual transmissions on my sub ether phone.

Listen.

morty It's a bad phone. Chuck it. I downgraded to a clamshell for emergencies only.

You know, if if if something's worth saying, I-it's worth eye contact.

rick Uh, I-I-I traced the source of the call back to the spa we went to, Morty.

I thought I could hear a voice in there, so I enhanced it, a-and listen.

rick Hey, asshole!

morty Oh, man!

rick Remember us?

morty Oh, I don't like confrontation!

rick You [bleep] us, you pieces of garbage! That's right, you're [bleep] garbage, not us.

I'm a [bleep] genius and a god.

You really think this thing can hold me? I'm gonna rip your throat

rick Morty, what if the toxic parts of us have their own identities, their own will to live? W-What if mine shares my intelligence and devised a way to reach out to us? Sounds like he's in a lot of pain.

Lot.

O.

Pain.

morty But, you know, you shouldn't have to deal with that, man.

You know, l-let's work off your trauma with some urban spin yoga.

It's amazing.

You do yoga on a bike, but you have an at-risk preteen

rick I don't think I can just blow this off, Morty.

If I had known it worked this way, I wouldn't have detoxed.

Well, I would have because I was toxic.

Now I'm detoxed and I'm accountable to my toxins, right?

I-It's a dilemma.

I think I know what to do.

Morty!

morty Rick! You know, the only problem here is a big fat brain that misses eating all them big fat problems.

Focus on the good thing.

Trust me, things are good.

Taking that away from me that wouldn't be healthy.

Oh, man.

World's Greatest Grandpa, for reals.

It's not just a coffee cup for you, bud.

You're legit.

[restaurant]

morty I love drums.

I never took drum lessons.

Why? Limitations.

We are addicted to our own limitations.

How amazing is that? Is the kale prepared in the kitchen? I'll have a water.

Uh How is the "cru-dite?"

waiter Crudité.

morty It's a cup of carrot sticks.

Ha! It's okay! Pronounce it however you want.

Words are just things.

Please.

Thank you.

We're having a conversation.

God, I am so excited to finally have dinner with you.

You know how long I've been waiting for this? It's like, whew! I-I-I wish you'd shut up, though.

Just kidding.

You know, you're so quiet.

What's wrong? W-Why don't you tell me about yourself? What's the atmosphere like on planet Jessica? Where's the equator, what are the vacations, a-and the holidays? I mean, you know, are they the same time? Talk to me.

jessica Well I like this restaurant.

morty Holy [bleep]! Holy [bleep]! We have a moron over here! I'm an idiot.

I can't believe I haven't thought of this.

You have to do this detox thing I did.

It's an alien spa, you go through it, fwoos-s-s-ssh, lasers, bwaa-bwaa-bwaa sucks everything out.

Everything that was holding me back, everything bad, I mean, it just Right?

jessica Cooooool.

Oh, my God! I can't believe this.

morty Yeah, phones are awful, I downgraded to I totally forgot my I have a thing, and Things are good.

You know what? Why am I doing that? That's more rude than the truth.

jessica Look, I'm sorry, Morty.

I just don't think

morty Do not.

Even.

You have no need to explain.

It's all good.

jessica I think you'd get bored with me.

morty E-Exactly.

Look, the sparks aren't flying.

This is what dating is for, you know? First date, no sparks.

No damage, no worries.

Life is a highway.

We're gonna ride it all night lonnngg! Gonna eat some "crudite.

" Mmm! Is this organic? Mmm.

All right.

You know, the evening continues.

Okay, here we go.

Ma'am, I'm afraid I have some bad news for you.

Your money's no good here.

I'll I'll get the next round, sir.

stacy Aren't you a child?

morty Only in the ways that matter.

Morty.

stacy Stacy.

morty I've been watching you drink, Stacy.

I get the feeling you've got a hard job.

I wonder what it takes to please you.

That's the job I want Part time, full time, I want to be good at it, bad at it, I want to get promoted, fired, corner office, hostile takeover, workplace accident I'm on my knees, Stacy Praying, worshipping, begging, whatever you want.

What do you think about that?

stacy Okay.

morty [Bleep] it.

Tink.

Mm! Let's ask my grandpa.

He's a scientist.

Hey, Rick, are you familiar with "benoi" technology?

rick Morty, great news.

I went back to the spa and they let me purchase the containment unit from their detoxifier.

morty Why?

rick Because we're coming home, bitch!

morty What is this?

rick This is the parts of your pussy grandpa that keep it real.

Oh oh, and I think you dropped something, too!

morty I don't want to be on camera.

I'm ugly and gross, please.

stacy Should I go?

morty You're your own person, Stacy.

stacy Then I'd like to stay.

morty Rick, please tell me you're not trying to put that stuff back inside of us.

rick Morty, I'm sorry.

That stuff is alive and it belongs with us.

We yanked them from their homes and locked them in a can.

Mother[bleep]! See? They're living in pain.

morty That's what they do, Rick, they live in pain.

They are pain, you know? They they're all the bad parts of us, which, by the way, includes our dishonesty, so how do you know this isn't all some sort of crazy trick?

rick Oh, so now because I'm made entirely of toxins I'm also a liar? [Bleep] you, you little sociopath.

You hear this, Morty?

morty Oh, everybody hates me.

I can tell.

Y-You all hate me

rick All right, shut up, Morty.

Healthy Rick, are we doing this or what?

Yep.

Sorry, Morty.

I need you to step into the booth.

Don't negotiate with that little turd, dummy.

You're the Rick.

You need to show dominance.

Morty, booth, now.

Booth! Come on, Morty.

Don't touch me! Morty, do the healthy thing and voluntarily retoxify yourself.

Nooooo! Is it wrong if I think this is kind of hot? Let me out of here! Stacy, help! Open the door! I need to hear our safe word, Morty.

Sea Cucumber! Sea Cucumber! What are you doing? I'll do anything for you, Morty.

No! It worked! Yes! That idiot believed every word.

Now let's see how he enjoys living in that shit tank.

He's right behind me, isn't he? He's in front of you.

Oh.

My eyes are still adjusting.

Uh, is this like a sex dungeon? I guess I should've been paying attention.

After 70 years of being bottled up inside a sentimental jackass, I finally get to live my own life.

You said we were merging.

I lied, dumbass! I lie about everything! Why would I ever re-merge with a pussy like you? So you were just gonna trap us in that tank? T-That was your plan? Not was, mother[bleep] still is.

Kill him, Rick! I don't like this! This is scary! All right, you asked for it.

Did I ask for this? Did I ask for this? Huh? Did I? Assessing threat to groin.

Groin System 6000.

Kill him! That is my groin's user.

Believe me, I got a lot more use out of that thing than he ever did.

You know what? Not my table.

You do know me.

What the hell, Grandpa Rick? [Bleep] you, Summer! Sorry, Summer! Okay, okay, take it easy.

Don't do it.

I love you.

Good boy.

Daddy's little boy.

Summer, get out of here! Go! Oh, who's that? Who's that over there? Oh, no.

You see the bad man in front of you? You're a good little boy, you're gonna get him.

You're gonna get him.

Ahh! Son of a Ahh! Nice try, asshole.

We can resolve our issues.

We don't need to resort to over-the-top Aah! I-I did it, Rick.

I got the tank! I-I'm a piece of [bleep], but I got the tank! You're going in that tank, mother[bleep].

You're gonna live in that toxic [bleep] wasteland like I had to do! Ahh! Ow! That's right, mother You're going in that [bleep] Dads? Okay, just Just leave her out of it.

What's going on? All right, [bleep] this.

Time for plan B If I can't trap you in a toxic world, I'll just make the whole world toxic.

It's okay, girls.

I-I'm so sorry I put us in danger with some of my behavior.

I-If you'd like I can go out in the g-garden, pick some fresh basil, and make us a nice Scallopini.

What did the booger version of you mean when he said he was going to make the whole world toxic? Believe me, sweetie, that man's motivations are a mystery.

Screw that, Rick.

We got to stop him.

What's the last thing you'd think about doing with that tank thing? Morty, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but it's not our place, you know, to pick and choose which world gets saved from what apocalypse.

Our our toxins have as much a right to their worldview as Morty, how is it healthy to slap me? Obviously my version of health is a hell of a lot different from yours, you useless old turd.

Wait.

That's it.

How could that detox machine know the difference between healthy and sick for everything that goes through it? It can't.

It must be by the individual's own definition of toxicity.

That means Dad! What the What the hell, Rick? I'll explain on the way.

This "Moon Tower," Morty, is the perfect height and metallic composition for the amplification and beaming of toxic energies.

What do you think about that, Morty? Are you excited about that, Morty? Oh, man.

I'm just freaked out.

I-It's too high up here.

Once I flip this switch, the entire world is gonna be just as toxic as us, baby.

As we praise our loving Father God is a lie! We made him up for money! Santa Claus isn't real.

You were all mistakes! We [bleep] did it, Morty.

Put your [bleep] hands in the air.

Yeah, you little piece of [bleep].

Remember me? Didn't you learn last time that you can't beat me? Yeah, I did.

And then I learned something else.

- This.

- Ahh!! That bullet is laced with an encrypted nanobotic virus that will disintegrate your Morty in about, ah, 20 minutes.

You think I give a [bleep]? I know you give a [bleep], dummy.

Because I know I don't.

Here's another thing I know The decryption key that neutralizes the virus.

You want it? Come and get it.

Merge with me and you'll know how to save him.

Pfft.

Come on, man.

I've been trapped in your pussy brain for 70 years of delusions, but this is the all-time weakest bluff that I've ever Ow-Ohh!! Jesus Christ! What are you doing?! He's cutting your time in half.

10 minutes.

Ohh! It hurts! What is your problem? Oh, I had all my problems removed my entitlement, my narcissism, my crippling loneliness, my irrational attachments.

They must be somewhere.

They ain't over here, bro.

I'm not going back in there! Honestly, I don't care either way.

I hate having you in me.

And when I say "honestly" you can believe it, because we both know I'm too healthy to lie.

Watch.

All right! Knock it off! You're not impressing anyone.

Morty, not that I give a [bleep], but are you okay? Jesus Christ, it hurts.

Relax, quit your bitching.

Y-You're gonna be fine.

Grandpa's here.

You think that's funny? Y-You got to have a sense of humor about these things.

Oh, wait, you can't.

You're literally incapable of seeing the bigger picture.

I guess it's just funny because you've never done anything but complain about me being in charge, but if I ever gave you the wheel we'd be dead in five minutes.

- Rick? - You poor, dumb, sick animal.

Rick? Ahh! Just do it! Just do it, you piece of I'm back, baby! Regular Rick! Master of both worlds! Check it it out! "Excuse me.

" Now we'll just reverse this hacky toxicity beam.

Man, I really over think shit when I'm angry.

Oh, give it to me.

Mm, ma-mah.

God is not a lie.

Mommy! Mommy! Ha! All right, Morty, now it's time we re-merge your little ass.

You're a better man than me, Rick.

I'm healthy enough to admit that! That kid is a real piece of [bleep].

Y-Y-You're gonna save me, right? Part of me wanted to, Toxic Morty.

Part of me really wanted to.

I'm telling you, these shares are hot.

Yeah.

That sounds like a good idea.

It's definitely a good idea.

Duane, Duane, Duane, I get it, now can you get me? Have I ever lied to you? That's right, and ask around, I never do, Duane.

Let me put this real simple.

This stock is a beautiful redhead, recently single, not looking to date but ready to fall in love, and fate has put her locker two down from yours, Duane Two lockers down.

So step up or step off, Duane.

Blue pill or red pill, what'll be, bro? Totally understand, Duane.

You're the boss.

Hainholz Biotech Million and a half at thirty-three.

Heh.

You little [bleep] monster.

Mmm! Is this organic? Mmm! Go for Morty.

Hi, Morty.

It's Jessica.

Look, can we just talk for a minute? Is that how long it takes for Rick to trace my location? Come back, Morty.

I miss you.

You miss the old me.

You miss someone that loved you so much you never had to love 'em back.

How do you know I don't want to love you? Because I'm not sick.

Ex-girlfriend? Should I be jealous? There's nothing to be jealous of.

I just realized that I'm scheduled to speak at that fundraiser on our date night.

I can cancel.

We'll be together.

That's a date.

You are the perfect man.

Oh, sweetie, I think you hit the wrong button.

You didn't hang up.

Huh.

How 'bout that? Sorry, tiny American Psycho, time to take the opposite of your medicine.

Do what you got to do.

Oh! Ow! Ahh! So, how do you feel, Morty? Ah, geez.

I'm miserable.

Am I good or what? I guess it's worth it, though, to know how much you care.

Care? Me? Morty, I'm fine with you.

I only did this for him.

You lying bitch.

She kept coming to our house, Morty, and kept asking me.

"Did did d-did you get a new Morty yet?" Because you kept drunk dialing me and crying about it.

I wasn't crying! Jacquelyn, I I-I-I wasn't who I said I was.

You weren't a 14-year-old boy from the Midwest who ran away from his family and capitalized on his lack of conscience by becoming a stock broker? Oh.

I guess I was pretty up front about that, wasn't I? You were up front about everything.

You were my soul mate.

Well N Not anymore.

I'll, um Y-You can keep the apartment, and and and, uh the drones.

She can't keep the drones.

They turn into a little Voltron robot.

They're awesome.

You can't keep the drones.

So, how was your date with Brad? It wasn't a date.

We were just having lunch.

You guys are getting back together, aren't you? Morty, I need your help on an adventure.

Eh, "need" is a strong word.

We need door stops, but a brick would work, too.

Okay.

Morty.

Good to have you back.

Have you ever been peed on before? Oh, my God.

Yum.

Hey, did you ever want to hold a terrifold? I got one right here Grab my terri-flap Squeeze it Grab it, squeeze it Tug on my terri-flap Hey, I want to take you to The terrifold dance Wanna come with me? You can grab my holdie-folds Squeeze 'em tight You son of a bitch Suck my holdie-flappy folds Lick my flappy foldie-holes My terri-flaps in your mouth Suck my flaps, you piece of shit Whoo Although only a handful of moon towers remain today, they were popular in the late 19th century.

An entire town could be illuminated by What the hell is this? Sea Cucumber! Sea Cucumber!! Did you get any of that?

Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope1977Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi1983

Auto Erotic Assimilation

Author(s): Justin Roiland

Transcriber/Editor(s): D. Lint

Date Aired: 2015-08-09

Reference Name(s): Invasion of the Body Snatchers

Reference Date(s): 1956

Open Ext. Rick's Ship in flying through a planet's rings (Morty is in the backseat, Summer is in the starboard seat, Rick is driving)

All : (singing) Love. Connection. Experience.

(Morty claps)

Rick : Yeah Morty

All : (singing) Come together. With love. connection, experience! [laughter]

Rick : It's my favourite song

Morty : Hahahahaha, yeah

(distress beacon alert chimes)

Rick : Oh yeah, distress beacon! [belches] Yeah baby!

Morty : You're excited about that?

Rick : The first rule of space travel kids, is always check out distress beacons; nine out of ten times its a ship full of dead aliens and a bunch of free shit!

[Rick makes a sharp turn] In unison

Morty : Whoa!

Summer : Whoa!

end unison

Rick : One out of ten times its a deadly trap, but I'm ready to roll those dice!

[Trans. flying toward S.S. Independence] [Trans. Rick, Morty, and Summer entering corridor]

Summer : Seems like something terrible happened here.

Rick : Yeah. Cha-ching. Oh yeah, if you find a room full of eggs, don't shy away from it, give one of them a shake. Those facehuggers are worth more than this ship.

(Rick is spray-painting a symbol on a closed door)

Morty : Uh, what's that?

Rick : This will make the cops write it up as a looting by the Korblocks.

Summer : That's horrible!

Rick : I hear you man, cops are racist.

(A door behind them opens with six crewmembers)

Rick : Oh, hey! You're alive! Thank God.

Female Alien : Can you help us? Our planet was taken over by some kind of [pauses] entity! It absorbed the minds of our people!

Male Alien 1: We didn't notice until it was too late. The people it takes over, they look like your friends, your family, your leaders, but they're not, themselves any more; They're part of It.

Rick : And how do you know it didn't get on the ship with you? Those two ding-dongs seem pretty calm about the whole thing.

(Two male aliens are calm and not panting and standing apart from the other four) (They screech after Rick points at them)

Male Alien with glasses: Hey! No, no- uurgh!

(Morty screams. The other four are assimilated)

Rick : Called it.

All six aliens together : Hello Rick. Long time no see.

Rick : Unity!?

Morty : Rick?

Summer : Grandpa?

Rick : Oh boy. Uh, these are my grandkids, Summer and Morty. Summer, Morty, this is uh, Unity. We sort of used to, uh, date.

[intro credits begin] [Scene's of life on Unity's planet are shown; S.S. Independence lands]

Rick : Quite an operation you got going here Une. You're a whole planet now huh?

Unity (Administrator) : After we broke up, I spend some time wandering through space,

Unity (Thin suited man) : then I found this world,

Large suited man : where I was better able to focus on my passion for unification.

Summer : You mean stealing peoples’ bodies?

Rick : Summer, rude. Why don't you kids run off and play with Unity while Unity and I do some catching up.

(four aliens come over to Morty and Summer put a hand on their shoulders)

Summer : Ugh.

Morty : Wait! Rick, aren't these people going to barf into our mouths and absorb us?

Administrator : You're guests here on my planet, you're free to be yourselves; I've never been good at disappointing Rick.

Summer : Well now I'm going to barf. Come on Morty.

[Trans. to garage; Jerry is rooting through shelves]

Beth : Jerry, what are you- what are you doing in here?

Jerry : I’m trying to find our weed whacker, ‘cause our weeds are wack, yo.

Beth : But you can’t go in the garage when Rick’s not here.

Jerry : I can’t?

Beth : Well, he doesn’t like it.

Jerry : What’s he gonna do, crash rent-free at his other family’s house?

Beth : What is that supposed to mean?

(Jerry stands up and turns to face Beth)

Jerry : Your dad gets to walk all over us because of your abandonment issues! He’s playing you, shorty.

Beth : Oh, stop affecting that stupid hip-hop dialect!

Jerry : Stop shifting the crosshairs to my ironic urban patois just because your relationship with your father is toe-up from the flow-up.

(Gurgling sounds come from below. Beth and Jerry look around)

Jerry : What the hell was that?

Beth : (whispering) I don’t know, let’s just leave!

(More gurgling. Jerry removes the mat to reveal a hatch in the floor.)

Jerry : That is a hatch! Your father put a hatch in my garage!

Beth : You don’t know it was him! [pauses] Anyway, we’re not supposed to be in here!

Jerry : Obviously, neither is whatever’s gurgling down there.

(Gurgling) [Trans. to Unity’s planet: Rick is approaching a news stand]

Rick : World peace achieved. Nice! A little weird to publish a paper about it for yourself, but hey. So what’s next?

Newsagent : After I become a type-one civilisation, this world will be invited into the Galactic Federation.

Rick : Oh, goody.

(As Rick walks, Unity switches between people nearby to have a flawless conversation without having to stop what they’re doing)

Customer : From there I’ll have access to countless planets and species.

Pedestrian : One by one, I will unify them, I will become the universe, and I will be what the single-minded once called a god.

Rick : [burps] I like that. Oh, that’s pretty sexy. Hey listen, where can I get a drink around here?

Old woman : Recreational substances were phased out here. There’s no need for escape from the self when your world is one.

Rick : Unity, Unity, who am I talking to? I watched you assimilate a whole police station just to get your hands on the evidence locker.

Worker : Rick, when we met I was a young hivemind with the population of a small town. People… change.

Busker : Especially when I change them. I’m sorry to disappoint you, but… I’ve grown.

Rick : Hey, listen, I’ve grown too. I have! See, I’ve- I’ve reconnected with my family, right?

Police officer : Hm, why is that I wonder?

Rick : Maybe it’s part of getting old. Maybe I just miss being with… a collective.

(Rick and Unity start kissing. A crowd forms around them)

Crowd : Yes Rick! Yes! Yes!

Rick : Oh yeah!

Crowd : Yes! Yes!

Rick : Wait, wait, stop! H-Hold it! Not like this. We need a hang glider. And a crotchless Uncle Sam costume. And I want the entire field of your largest stadium covered end to end with naked redheads! And I want the stands packed with every man that remotely resembles my father!

[Trans. to a mountain being carved into the shape of Morty and Summer’s heads. Morty and Summer are being fanned and eating hamburgers]

Morty : Look at ‘em go! So coordinated! What’s your problem? They’re making you into a Mount Rushmore! They made burgers!

Summer : Morty, open your eyes! There is no they! These poor people’s’ bodies are being used! They’re a planet of puppets!

Fan holder : I can hear you.

Summer : Ugh!

Morty : Well, seems like everybody here’s cool with it. Except for all those redheads. They seem like they’re in a hurry to be somewhere else.

Clown : Balloon, Summer? Balloon, Morty?

Summer : No, we don’t want your dumb balloons. We’re bored. Take us back to Rick.

Clown : Now’s… not a good time.

[Trans. to Rick in a hang glider and Uncle Sam costume, flying towards a stadium]

Rick : Oh yeah! I want youuuuuu!

Stadium : Go son go! Go son go! Go son go!

[Trans. to Earth: Jerry and Beth are looking down the hatch, which is open]

Jerry : Oh! Real nice! Real nice! How does a man do this without me noticing?

Beth : Oh, you know my dad. Once he puts his mind to something…

Jerry : You’re spinning this to his credit?

(Gurgling)

Jerry : I’m going down there.

Beth : Jerry!

Jerry : Beth, this is my house, which makes this my garage, my secret hatch, my hidden subterranean lair, and my faceless gargler. Now, are you going to keep hating this playa, or are you gonna jack my steed?

Beth : Okay, you’re just making stuff up now.

[Trans. to Rick, who’s walking out in a bathrobe, panting, to applause]

Rick : Oh my god. Oh my god. [Drinks water]

Redheads : Oh Rick, it was so bad.

Rick : What’s this ‘was’ stuff? I just need to hydrate and then we’re doing that again!

(Beta-7’s spaceships arrive from skyward)

Redheads : Oh damn.

Rick : Listen, if this is an invasion I gotta sit this one out, but I’ll- I’ll be back to have sex with the survivors.

Redheads : It’s a neighboring hivemind species, Beta-7. Our planet’s maintained a practical alliance for exchange of vital resources. (whispering) So be nice!

Beta-7 : Unity. [pauses] Is it a… bad time? Are all… present lifeforms… assimilated?

Man With glasses : Beta-7, this is my single-minded friend from Earth, Rick.

Beta-7 : Rick… Sanchez. Unity has spoken of you.

Rick : All bad I hope. [laughing]

(Rick laughs and puts his hand on the lead Beta-7’s shoulders. All Beta-7 assimilated scream and point at Rick)

Rick : Whoa, Jesus Christ!

Redheads : Beta-7, if my allies are a problem for you perhaps our alliance is as well.

Beta-7 : Our alliance is beneficial. When Beta-7 expresses concern it- it’s only … be-because…

Rick : Oh snap! Powdered neutronium? Amphetetron? You know what I can make with this stuff?

Redheads : Oh… Rick, I- I shouldn’t...

Rick : Come on, it’s not every day that I’m in town! It- it’s for old time’s sake.

Redheads : Uh… Okay, what the hell! We can purify the resin and make fractal dust!

Rick : Oh, I was thinking velocitinis, but…

Unity : Aww, old man Rick can’t party with the whole planet?

(Both laugh)

Rick : I can do whatever you do and more, baby.

Beta-7 : Hrmm…

(Beta-7 leaves)

Rick : You know, I think Beta-7 over there is hoping your alliance can be more than practical.

(Both laugh) [Trans. To Rick’s underground lair. Jerry is searching with a flashlight.]

Jerry : Well, this explains the six thousand dollar electric bill.

(Both see Blim Blam chained up to a wall and yell)

Blim Blam : [Gurgling]

Jerry : Well. Nice. Real nice. Alien prisoners under the house. Real nice. Nice. Reeeal-

Beth : Goddamn it, stop.

[Trans. to Unity’s planet, Summer is in the street on a soapbox with a megaphone]

Summer : Wake up people! You have to fight it! You’re under the spell of an evil monster!

Man with glasses : I can hear you.

Summer : Yeah! So you keep saying!

(She starts slapping the man)

Morty : Summer!

Summer : Wake up! You have to have some individuality left in there!

Steven Phillips : Why do you hate me, Summer?

Summer : I’m not talking to you! I’m talking to…

(She reaches into his pocket and grabs his wallet, and flips over to his license)

Summer : ...Steven Phillips! Steven! Set yourself free!

Steven Phillips : Summer, before I took over this planet, this man was a registered sex offender.

Summer : ...Yeah, well so what? At least he was himself.

Marine Biologist : This woman was a drug addict on the verge of suicide. Now she’s a marine biologist.

Morty : Listen Unity, I don’t think my sister’s trying to say that life would be perfect without you. I think she’s just saying that life would be… you know, life.

Old man : I have transformed life here into a paradise. Prostitutes are now scientists. The homeless are now phisosophers.

Summer : Oh, phi- phisosophers?

Old man : Philophiluh… phiphophibup...

Summer : Oh my god. Where did you learn to talk you grandpa-stealing slut?

Old man : I’m feeling… urk!

(The man falls down and vomits. All other assimilated in the area follow suit.)

Morty : Oh man! Let me help all of you guys up!

All : I’m fine!

[Trans. to penis-shaped house. Various assimilated are dancing. Rick is on the couch drinking]

Administrator : Do you know what I love about you, Rick? You’re the only single mind I’ve met who really sees the big picture.

Rick : You got that right. But… baby, listen. Y-you’re talking about taking over planets and galaxies, you gotta… you gotta just… remember to let go sometimes, you know.

Administrator : I can let go! Hey, look! You see that town across the river? Watch this.

(Planes fly past and bomb the town, blowing it all up)

Rick : Whoa!

Administrator : Ha ha! Woot!

Rick : Whoa! That’s not what I meant!

Administrator : [laughing] It’s okay! It’s okay, I evacuated! I evacuated the town, look!

Townspeople : Hey! Right here! We’re fine!

Rick : [laughing] Oh, that was awesome! My grandkids weren’t in that town, right? A-are my grandkids alive? … H-hey, my drink is empty.

[Trans. to street. More assimilated are dancing, though they’re falling over and puking. Vehicles crash. Morty and Summer are running and almost get crushed by falling beams.]

Morty and Summer: Aah!

Summer : Unity, what’s happening?

Steven Phillips : Who’s Unity? You kids have nice feet. Mind if I take a picture?

Summer : Gross, no!

(He takes a picture anyway and wanders off)

Morty : I think you’re getting what you wanted, Summer. Something’s happening to Unity.

Summer : Do… all of you remember who you are?

Ron Benson : ...Yeah. My name is Ron Benson. I’m… an electrical engineer. Father of two, and as you can see from my flat concentric nipple rings, I’m a member of this planet’s top race! [opens shirt to reveal ring nipples]

Summer : Okay, that’s good! Uh… Don’t focus too much on the last part, but...

Daryl Jefferson : I’m Daryll Jefferson. I’m a landscaper. And I’ll be damned if that ripple-nipple bitch’s race is superior! [removes shirt] The cone-nipple people will rule this world!

Ron Benson : You shut your mouth, you dirty knife-nipple bastards!

Daryl Jefferson : What’d you say to me, you target-chested piece of shit?

Alien Man : Race war!

(The crowd breaks out into fighting)

Summer : Why are you fighting? Can’t you see you’re all the same?

Morty : Ah, Summer. Ha ha. First race war, huh?

Morty : Way to go, Summer. You started a race war.

Summer : I didn’t start it! They’re the racists! I… I merely empowered them to follow their apparently misguided dreams!

Morty : Okay, thanks for clarifying! Y- I’ll have a super accurate headstone now!

Rioter : Hey wait, what race are you guys?

Morty : [pulling up shirt] We’re neither! S-see?

Summer : Yeah, take my word for it. We just have regular nipples.

Rioter : Hey! These two freaks have no race!

(Morty and Summer run, and get chased by a gang of rioters, before getting cornered against a wall)

Morty : Oh, there’s no place like home! There’s no place like home! Remember, Summer?

Summer : Oh…

(The two hug)

Morty : From Dorothy and The Tiny People movie?

Summer : O-oh, yes, yes yes…

Morty : All the tiny people?

Summer : Dorothy, take us away! Take us away!

(As the rioters get closer, Unity (SWAT) drops in and surrounds the two, pushing the rioters back. An assimilated drops down and pulls the two into a hovercopter)

SWAT : Hello Summer. Hello Morty.

Pilot : It’s okay! You’re safe now.

Morty : U-Unity?

SWAT : Yes.

Summer : Oh, Unity I am so sorry. I didn’t know freedom meant people doing stuff that sucks! I was thinking more of… a choose-your-own-cellphone-carrier thing.

Pilot : Oh, Summer, you did nothing wrong! I’m having fun with your grandpa! Lost a little control. Probably shouldn’t be piloting a hovercopter, nor should I be… running two hundred thousand pediatric hospitals and twelve million deep friers, but hey! It’s not like this planet can take its business elsewhere!

Morty : Um… should we maybe stop somewhere and get you a coffee? Maybe splash a little water on your face, or…?

Pilot : No, no, if I wanted to be sober, I wouldn’t have gotten drunk! Wooohoooo!

[Trans. to Rick’s underground lair. Blim Blam is chained up, Beth and Jerry are arguing]

Jerry : Oh man. I cannot wait. I cannot wait to hear Rick explain his way around this. He is gone!

Beth : Jerry, stop! Please, okay, we weren’t even supposed to be down here. If we confront him about this-

Jerry : Oh my god! I love this! I love that this is how far you will go for him. You wanna go upstairs, and cut carrots, and watch a lifetime original, above a fucking alien dungeon! Your relationship with your father is psychotic!

Beth : Oh listen to you relish the idea that my genius father is a bad person! Step out of your ego for a second and look at this thing! It’s a monster! He might have it chained up so that it doesn’t eat the planet!

Jerry : Right, because your father’s such an altruist? I once saw him briefly forget the word for humans! He’s probably harvesting this creature’s organs!

Beth : He’s probably racing to cure its space aids!

Jerry : He’s going to eat it!

Beth : He’s protecting it!

Blim Blam : [Gurgles]

In unison

Jerry :Shut up!

Beth :Shut up!

End unison [Trans. to penis-shaped house, now on fire. Summer and Morty enter.]

Summer : Unity! This place is a mess!

Administrator : Oh, it’s cool! The part of me that’s the cleaning lady is coming on Friday. [gasps] Oh my god! I have a meeting at the galactic federation in an hour. Oh, I’ll never make it! Ah, I’ll push it to next week.

Morty : Unity, could you get Rick out here please?

Administrator : He’s… unavailable! He’s-

Summer : Having sex with you, we get it! Gross. Get him out here now.

Administrator : I don’t think he wants to be-

Summer : (shouting) Grandpa Rick!

Morty : (shouting) Rick! Rick!

Summer : (shouting) I’m gonna tell mom and dad about the gagoo you have locked up under the garage!

(Rick stumbles out, topless, wearing an ammunition belt, a mexican hat and pants, a fake moustache and clutching a bottle of beer)

Rick : What the hell… is your problem?

Summer : Grandpa, we need to go home! Now!

Rick : Fine, geez!

(He opens a portal)

Rick : See ya!

Morty : Uh, Rick? I think we should all go.

Rick : Tend your garden, kids, I’m kinda doing a thing here.

(He puts his arms around two assimilated, who cheer and laugh)

Summer : Grandpa Rick, we’re not leaving without you!

Rick : Oh my god [belches] you guys I get it. You’re afraid the big bad hivemind is gonna steal your grandpa away.

Summer : Actually, no. I think Unity’s great and you’re a horrible influence on it!

Rick : What?

Morty : This isn’t healthy, Rick! Y- you know you-you’re really up to no good around here. I-at-at this place, you know?

Summer : You and Unity are like… like… leggings and mid-calf boots. You think you’re great together but you’re just bringing out the worst in each other!

Rick : Oh, gee, boy Summer, well put. Uh, why don’t we see what Unity thinks. Unity?

Shades guy : I’m just taking a little break from stuff. You know? I need to relax.

Rick : Oh, hey, wh-what’s this on the news, guys? L-l-let me turn it up.

Todd : In the news today, this looks a lot worse than it is. We’re… really just having a good time. Karen?

Karen : Thanks, Todd. Up next: Are you a concerned grandchild or just a buzzkill? We’ll tell you how you can really know for sure!

Rick : I think you two are a little outnumbered.

Summer : Okay! Well, what if you did it for me? What if you came with us as a favour to us… because you love us?

Rick : What? Dumb. Bye.

Morty : But Rick, Summer’s just-

Rick : Summer’s just a hyper-emotional, needy little- what’s the word I’m looking for here… uh- human! It runs in the family! I can tolerate it but I can’t give a crap about it. Take a hike.

Summer : Take care of yourself, Unity.

(Summer and Morty leave through the portal)

Rick : I’m not looking for judgement, just a yes or no. Can you assimilate a giraffe?

[Trans. back to Beth and Jerry]

Beth : You’re the worst!

Jerry : No! You’re the worst! You don’t support this family!

(The two start yelling over the top of one another)

Jerry : All you care about is yourself!

Beth : You think supporting the family is about supporting you emotionally...

Jerry : You’ve got two children being dragged across the cosmos...

Beth : ...but you’re unsupportable! Because it’s never enough, Jerry!

Jerry : ...by your dangerously ill father, and you force me to watch it happen!

Beth : It will never be enough support to satisfy you! And you don’t even know what it’s like…

Jerry : Because you’d rather lose them and lose me than lose him!

Beth : …to be afraid of losing anything because you cling and you cling and you cling…

Jerry : And why? Because you’re the child, Beth. You, not me, you!

(Blim Blam gurgles angrily and breaks free)

Jerry : Aaah!

Beth : Oh my god!

(Both back away. Jerry puts his arm protectively in front of Beth. Blim Blam moves past them and breaks into a cabinet, before pulling out an object and pointing it at the two like a gun)

Beth and Jerry: Aah!

(Blim Blam pushes the object into his neck)

Blim Blam : Um, first of all, hello. Uh, my name is Blim Blam the korblok. Second of all, cards on the table: I am a murderer that eats babies and I came to this planet to eat babies. However, I am also carrying a highly infectious disease, that I suppose you could call ‘space aids’ as you put it, and Rick did chain me up so that he could attempt to cure it. At the same time, Rick’s motivation to cure my disease was not to save my life or anyone else’s, but to patent and sell the cure for billions of blemflarks. But you know the reason why I ripped my chains out of the wall? And do you know why I’m never coming back to this planet? Because the two of you are the fucking worst! You both hate yourselves and each other! And the idea that it has anything to do with Rick is laughable! I’d laugh but I’m biologically incapable, that’s how alien I am! And even I’m sitting here listening to the two of you, and being like, what the fuck! So! Good luck with your shitty marriage, and I’m sorry that Rick has to deal with either of you. Blim Blam, out!

(He drops the translator and leaves, but quickly rushes back to pick it up again)

Blim Blam : You know what? I’m taking this.

[Trans. to garage. Summer and Morty have returned. Blim Blam pushes at the garage door but can’t open it]

Blim Blam : How do you- what is this?

(Morty activates the garage door opener)

Blim Blam : Uh, is there a slow setting? Best door ever.

(He leaves, flipping the two off with a penis-shaped finger) [Trans. to Rick, who’s on the couch watching TV surrounded by several assimilated]

Rick : Aaah! [coughs] Okay, okay, now make him cry. But happy cry. Now make ‘em all make fun of the blonde one. Now make ‘em all do it on the table! I can’t believe you created a whole show for me. Now cancel it! Okay, now put it back on. Haha! [pauses] Alright, I’m bored.

Administrator : Rick, is there a way for you to call Summer and Morty? I feel bad that they-

Rick : Pfft, screw those guys! Uugh, I’ll be right back. Don’t waste your brain on those weirdos, Unity. They’re no different from any other aimless chumps that you occupy. They just put you at the centre of their lives because you’re powerful and then because they put you there they want you to be less powerful. Never gonna happen though, right?

All : Never.

Rick : Never! Back in a flash.

(Rick goes into the bathroom, and washes his hands and face)

Rick : Best weekend ever, Rick! I agree, Rick! Let’s see how long we can go!

(He goes back into the main room. Unity has disappeared, but there are letters everywhere)

Rick : Hey Une! You got any more-

(He picks up a note and reads it. Unity talks in a voiceover, using the voices of different assimilated for each part)

Unity (voiceover) : Rick, forgive me for doing this in notes. I’m not strong enough to do it in persons.

(Rick starts wandering around town. The entire town is fil'led with letters. He picks up to read some as he goes)

Unity (voiceover) : I realise now that I’m attracted to you for the same reason I can’t be with you. You can’t change. And I have no problem with that, but… it clearly means I have a problem with myself.

Unity (voiceover) : I’m sure there’s no perfect version of me. I’m sure I’ll just unify species after species and never really be complete.

Unity (voiceover) : But I know how it goes with us. I lose who I am and become part of you. Because in a strange way you’re better at what I do without even trying. Yours, and nobody else’s, Unity. P.S. I don’t know where those coal miners were before they got assimilated. You might want to get checked.

[Trans. to the Smiths watching TV in the living room. Rick enters from the left]

Rick : Hey.

Beth : Dad… [clears throat] I… um… Jerry and I were looking for our weed whacker, and found your subterranean lair… and your alien prisoner. And… he got away. And I know I sound like mom but I can’t sacrifice this whole family’s safety just because I’m afraid you’ll leave again, so no more alien prisoners, and, no more subterranean excavation without consulting us.

Rick : Okay.

Beth : ...Okay? Y-y-y-y-Okay like you’re gonna quietly teleport somewhere and never come back?

Rick : No. It’s your house.

Summer : Grandpa Rick! What happened… with Unity?

Rick : Who? Oh. Unity. Yeah, well, I mean honestly we’re talking about an entity that thrives on enslavement, you know. It’s not cool. Fun’s fun but who needs it? I’ll be in the garage.

(“Do you feel it?” by Chaos Chaos starts playing in the background. Rick enters the garage, looking depressed, and drains his flask before throwing it away. Then he pulls out two bulbs and puts together a metal contraption on the desk. He pulls a frozen alien creature out of the drawers and brings it to life with a flask of chemicals, strokes it while it shrieks helplessly, and drinks the rest of the chemicals. He puts one of the bulbs into the contraption and sticks the alien under it, disintegrating it with a blast of energy, then replaces the bulb and repeats the process with his own head. At the last second, he falls unconscious, dodging the killing blast. The screen zooms out through the open garage door, showing Rick slumped still on the desk through the night and into the morning, even as Jerry shows up, happily weeding the garden and the driveway without noticing Rick.) [Credits] [After Credits scene: Rick’s spaceship is outside Beta-7’s main ship. Rick is driving, with Morty in the passenger seat]

Rick : Unity! Unity! Unity!

(A transmission comes in from Beta-7)

Beta-7 : How can I assist you?

Rick : I wanna talk to [belches] Unity. Beta-7, I know it’s in there!

Beta-7 : You’re classified as a hostile entity, and Unity doesn’t want to talk to you.

Rick : I know your game, Beta-7, I’ve met a billion of you, you little on-deck in-the-wind shoulder to cry on!

Beta-7 : You are classified as a hostile entity.

Rick : Well, you’re just loving this, mother f- this isn’t gonna shape out like you think, pal! Unity’s not into other hiveminds! It’s gonna suck you in and use you up and a month from now I’m going to be making out with all of you in a bunch of red wigs! Unity! Unity! Unity, I know you can hear me! Get out here!

Beta-7 : Weapons systems engaged.

Rick : Oh, in your dreams you have weapons systems.

Morty : Ugh, Rick, you said we were going to a movie.

Rick : We are, Morty. Alright, Beta-shit-7, you just got saved by the bell, bitch!

[Episode end] Invasion of the Body Snatchers1956